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whatever you decide to do, base your decision on how you will feel about yourself in the long term, when this is a distant memory. you've been through so much, I don't want you to do something that you may regret down the road. You're a woman of compassion, love and light. Don't lose sight of that. xoxoxoxo I like OwnIt's suggestion a lot, but it's your situation and you know best.

xoxoxo no matter what you decide xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi own, Andrew and brtrfly,
Thanks for the comments and sentiments. Own- I do like the term 3rd party medical expenses. You are right, it’s not that much money. Also, I forgot to mention that he was also giving her petty cash out of his business account.

This is going to sound terrible but for a second, I thought-ok this is it... after so many years of his bullying, this is my chance to reciprocate. I’ve been solid this whole time, been completely drug through the mud, and now here’s the time where (hopefully) justice will be served. No, it 10000% is not in my nature to “blast” anyone.... I just thought, here we are 4+ years out and now he has to face the music and face what he’s done.

And when I say that, please understand that there’s no vindictiveness in there. It sounds like there is, but there’s isn’t. It’s more like- I’m not covering for him anymore and sacrificing myself as a result.

At the end of the day, I’m not going to put the abortion in there. I’m ready to move on and get this over with. It’s been so crazy to try and recover everything that he’s taken from me. Like when he wrote checks in my name to my sister in law totalling over 30k and how he withdrew over 100k from our account just a few days before we separated. I’m reliving all of this again and again. And I’m pissed. I’m leaving a couple things on the table, but I just can’t fight it all.

Ughhh. I hope karma is kind to him.

Just a few more months and I will be free of him! I can’t wait. Can. Not. Wait.

In other news, I’m very ready to move. I wish my lease was up now. Even though I would prefer to buy something, i would be ok with breaking my lease and finding somewhere else to live.
This place served me very well during my separation and I have no complaints at all except for the fact that it’s not home. It was my temporary landing place and now I’m ready to move on. This girl is ready to soar! No more holding me back.


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Pax, time passes faster than we think it will in the moment. Use the time you have left in your lease to decide what you want to do for you and where you want to be. I've changed my mind a few times, but have really settled into the idea of where I want to be long-term, which parts of town I will look at in my preferred location, and exactly the kind of house I want to have. I am so excited for you that you are envisioning this new life. I see you standing there trying out those nascent wings and getting ready to take flight.

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Hi there....
Kind of funny and rediculously stupid story to share. But I have to dump it here because I’m like wth????

So I ran into a little snag with a meeting that I had a couple hours north of home. Long story short, there were a lot of things to coordinate and I wasn’t going to be able to pick up my dog from ex today at the exact time that we normally swap. (We swap at 530 on the dot and not a second sooner (rolls eyes) )

Anyway, to manage my time in traffic and the unpredictability of a ton of fires in the area... I decided to train it home but I would get in 15 minutes later than usual. So I asked ex if he could accommodate and let me get the dog a few mins late. .

Of course he couldn’t. (Rolls eyes again)- he has tickets and dinner plans and he can’t help, but I could get the dog in the morning.

I say forget it because a friend of mine volunteered to get him at 530. Stupid me thought I could ask the favor in my moment of struggle. Lesson learned. I should have known. Take care of it myself NO MATTER WHAT.

Anyway.... so my friend goes and gets the dog. She’s never been to my old house and never met ex. I give her the low down on how the swap occurs. So I tell her how ex opens the door and let’s the dog run out and then shuts the door.

So she gets there at 522 and then at 530 he comes out and introduces himself to her! She was shocked because he was acting all familiar and super friendly. My dog was happy to see her and her dog because they are friends so he was extra happy and surprised to see them. So my ex tells her, “ wow- you get a better reception than you-know-who!”

Ummmm what!?!? So my friend is shocked that he would make that statement in front of her- he’s never even met her! Then he says to her “thank you, this works out so much better for me.” Again he’s extra familiar and courteous.

So..... I’m still scratching my head over it. My friend (who dabbles in criminal psych) was like- I think he’s a sociopath. “That was the weirdest thing I’ve experienced. Im still stunned. Just shocked!”


I don’t know about sociopath per se, but mlc for sure. What an odd and very bold interaction from him.


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Yes, he is very disturbed. So he makes a stranger wait 8 minutes (when he has tickets and dinner plans) so he can come out precisely at 5:30. Then he insults you to your friend, puts on faux charm, and makes it about him. I have thought he was at least NPD and possibly something worse like sociopath. I guess what really matters is that you will shortly not be involved with him any longer except as concerns the dog. I cannot even imagine how you prepare yourself for these exchanges.

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Ownit,
Yeah... it doesn’t much make sense. Admittedly I did try to decipher it a bit. A pointless exercise, but it’s my effort to find compassion for the guy and maybe justify my sanity.... not so sure.

I made up that he was being overly exaggerated and familiar with my friend because he was faking the fact that he had plans and was just being a stubborn donkey.
Who knows.

Quite frankly, I think he thinks that I play games with him... because he plays games with me. After all these years, I don’t think he’s differentiated himself from me at all. I’m a totally different person than him. I made this up after his recent comment about me being passive aggressive in which I wanted to respond.... nope... just don’t care.

Not sure if that makes sense at all... it’s all just mind reading and hypotheses.

Anyway, I’m about 6 weeks out from our mandatory settlement. I am through the roof excited. I really can see the light now. It’s almost over! After every set back over the last few years, I imagined myself physically climbing out of a huge valley onto the top of a mountain peak. I could sense when I made it to the peak and then would try to enjoy it as much as possible because I knew a deep valley would be next, but each time I fell into that valley I used new tools to get out of it. Soon, the pain of the dips became less and less.

And now here I am.... I almost see flat horizon ahead. I’m very much looking forward to it.

I really want to do something big for New Years this year to celebrate. Whenever I closed my eyes and pictured the light at the end of the tunnel, I imagined a million twinkly lights like that of the Eiffel Tower. I’ve been trying to make a Paris trip happen, but I’m not sure I could swing it.

The other option (and this is a major bucket list that I’ve always wanted to do) is ring in the new year in Times Square. I’ve heard it is a huge pain in the butt, but I’ve just always wanted to see it myself. There are still a few hotel rooms available and it’s cheaper than Paris. (I still have a budget after all... I haven’t completely recovered from this financially yet.. still have to be a little sensible!)

I don’t know, but I feel like I need to do something to recognize this completely fresh start. New year, new decade. I can put the last decade behind me- my ex and I got married in 2010.

I’ve also always wanted to stay in an ice hotel and there’s one that opens Jan 2. So that might be an option too.

Either way, I’m excited to release the weight of this divorce that I’ve been carrying for too long. I actually caught myself saying today “I’m so happy. Genuinely happy. A little scared out of fear that something bad is going to creep up. But today I’m genuinely happy.” (Haha and these are my internal conversations that I just have with myself. Caught myself being all positive 3 times today!)

I’ve mentioned this before but it always catches me off guard when I’m feeling super good. I guess I’m used to walking around with stress, anxiety, etc so it surprises me when it’s not there. Not that everything is all rainbows and butterflies at all. It certainly is NOT! But I’ve landed on my feet and I feel good.


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Pax, if you go to Times Square, reach out.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Completely natural Pax. Those of us who have been treated poorly tend to be anxious when things feel good. I bet after a while that will go away. Times Square is interesting and very lit up on a normal night (can't imagine NYE). I find NY to be very, very cold because of the winds whipping down those avenues. If you go, bring warm clothing (scarf, gloves and hat are a must), good shoes for walking (you will do lots of it) and eat at the Black Tap. Great burgers and insane milkshakes. You'll also be right where all the shows are, so if you go, catch a musical or a drama or something (go to the TKTS booth for discounted tickets). I always spend lots of time around Lincoln Center and there are some good restaurants and shopping there. The pizza by the 72nd street subway entrance (there is a Parisian bakery next door) is the best. Something about the crust. Chelsea Market is really awesome, probably too cold for the Highline then, but a walk around Greenwich Village is good too. I think you will have a great time. Take a friend if you can.

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OwnIt, I see I was right about your daughter! Will you tell me next time you go?

Last edited by Gerda; 11/06/19 03:44 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
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Just a non update journal entry-
A couple of things have happened in the last two weeks that have put me in a different headspace. Not in a bad way at all and I’m still feeling good- just a couple things happened that had me reflecting over ex a bit.

I still have some of my own ego to deal with in terms of accepting the fact that I’m the bad guy in his narrative. This feeling has creeped up a couple times over the years and while I’ve gotten better at it, I still get this sense of how “unfair” it is for me to be his villain. Former friends and in laws completely and utterly dismissed me without even questioning the reality of the situation. I try to be a good human and no, it doesn’t sit well with me knowing that someone out there has fabricated my integrity. Again... that’s my ego and something I have to deal with. It comes up from time to time and I try to accept it but it’s hard.

I think this was all triggered by his interaction with my friend where he put me down in front of her. I wish I could go to him and say, “ don’t you have anything better to do than minimize my existence?” But I don’t.... and then bite my tongue as I have for the last few years.

I think this reflection caused me to have a dream about him. For some reason I had to take a shower in his new house—in his master bathroom. When I got out, I was snooping through the women’s jewelry on the night stand to get a better feel for the woman he replaced me with. I was trying to get a sense for why and how she is so much better than me. Then, in the dream, ex caught me snooping and I commented, “nice jewelry” and he replied, “this is what you wanted. Come on pax..... what did you expect me to do?” He was all sad about it.

The, I woke myself up. I distinctly remember the feeling of saying No to myself. “I’m not doing this,” and I woke myself up. I was pretty much crying out of frustration because it’s hopeless.. I feel like I’m always going to have this mindf*ck. Where I’m always the bad guy, where I’m always going to be fighting him, where I’m always going to be wrong In every situation. I mean.... all we have now is the dog and that is a struggle.

And to be honest... I don’t know how to relax and be completely myself in certain situations because of this conditioning. For example, I went to Costco the other day with a friend. I hate Costco... it’s just chaos. Now..... I can deal with crowds that are more orderly like concerts, massive marathons, etc, but the free-for-all of Costco is too much for me. I’m the conservative one who lets people pass in front of me with their carts, and reach over me while I’m looking at something. I’m not the one cutting people off and being overly assertive. My ex is that person... he would basically shove carts out of the way with his cart and it made me very uncomfortable. He would get frustrated and get snippy with me because I was not that way.

So, last week, while we were at Costco, I kind of got into my catatonic self, where i just look like a deer caught in the headlights and I kept waiting for my friend to get mad at me like my ex would. I was expecting it! Long story short, she didn’t, and was even supportive of me!! But I was on edge because I have a learned response in that environment and I got triggered.

Ugh. Same goes for a guy that’s in my life right now. It’s not really a defined thing, but I keep waiting for him to get pissy at me for being myself. I am myself and I’m not trying to be someone I’m not, but I’m still waiting to be judged and ridiculed for it.

I guess I just need to trust and believe that I’m good enough as I am. I spent a decade in a relationship where it wasn’t safe to be me and nothing i did was ever good enough. And even though I’m 5 years out of that relationship, I still have those triggers. Maybe it’s because ex is still lurking in the background.

Ahhhhh. Ok that was cathartic.


Me- 30's H- 40's
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D filed by H: September 16
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