But in response yes I'm looking for a reaction by floating the idea I would move out of town and leave her with the kids.
I love my kids , want to wake up to them every morning but also need her to know I'm not back up child care when she wants to pursue her new single life.
Last edited by job; 11/01/1910:41 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
But in response yes I'm looking for a reaction by floating the idea
I love my kids , want to wake up to them every morning
I wouldn't do it, then. Make choices for you and the kids. Drop the pressure.
Originally Posted by "Jdevast"
but also need her to know I'm not back up child care when she wants to pursue her new single life.
If you want to stop being backup child care, say "No" when she asks you to be backup childcare. You're both 50/50 responsible for the kids, so let her know the half of the time you are available so she can make her GAL plans. Say no if she breaks the schedule. If you move away, at least in the US, you'd be ordered to pay child support--giving her enough money so she can GAL about as often as you can GAL.
Personally, I accept almost any extra time with my kids my ex offers, because I love seeing them. The exception would be if the ask is too last minute and I have plans.
Well J your kind of contradicting yourself. One minute you say you want to wake up to your kids every day and the next minute you say you’re not her babysitter.
Question for J...would you rather she get a babysitter or some stranger to take care of your children when she wants to go out? Most people would jump at the chance to have their children w/them more than the 50/50 arrangement. Are you wanting to say no to "punish or be spiteful" w/your wife because she wants to go out?
If you truly do not have plans for the evening that she asks, there is no harm in taking the children. However, I would stipulate to her that she needs to schedule the extra time w/you in advance because you may have plans.
You need to sit down and think about what you really want...do you want that additional time w/them or just go w/what has been agreed upon? Be sure to document all of the additional time that you have them. You just never know if you will need to provide proof of how much they are w/you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
JDevast, I get you're on an emotional roller coaster. These last few days you posted everything from who she is now is who you fell in love with, to you're angry and resentful about her behavior.
Originally Posted by "JDevast"
she has completely closed to me saying that she no longer feels safe around someone so manipulative and demanded I leave the family home.
Floating the idea of moving, in an attempt to get a reaction, would be manipulative (influencing or attempting to influence the behavior or emotions of others for one's own purposes).
When I walked away from my ex-wife, I'd have been happy if she moved. That would've removed most of the consequences--I'd see my kids anytime I wanted, I'd get my income plus hers, and I could free up my schedule to meet new people on any schedule I wanted. Another single dad I know got to live this dream. I definitely had fantasies about my ex moving far, far away when I was the walkaway spouse.
Originally Posted by "JDevast"
Fact remains she would never have made all these new friends or tasted this new freedom if I hadn't been at home watching the kids.
My partner leveraged friends and family for childcare. If you wouldn't take responsibility for the kids 50%, in most places you'd end up paying enough child support to cover a nanny/sitter.
There are many consequences to walking away from a marriage. "No free time" is rarely one of them.
Anyway, using the a.m. while my partner sleeps to wish you well. GAL this weekend. Peace!
Thanks again people, really appreciate the support. Yes that's all emotional rollercoaster stuff, at my weakest moments I want to lash out , effect some change in the situation. So yes I may rant on here, I don't tend to act on it. Truth is I'm hurting, I love her deeply and selfishly just really miss her.
My brain does backflips wanting to know she still has some hope for us, love, affection etc etc
Just finding this really hard.
Went out last night and had a really good time, met some good fun people.
Sat in new flat today, weather is terrible, feeling really alone and down.
Resisting the temptation to make contact with her to fill the hole.
Went out last night, met some new friends, trying hard to Gal and realising just how shut off and isolated I had become.
So, having a nice time but at same time my wives new friends were all there, the group who have all been supporting each other, confiding and going out together with their new single lives.
Everyone was civil and friendly on the face of it but definitely some awkwardness, know there's a shared narrative about me.
Anyway made the most of it , tried to show I was happy and smiling etc.
So obviously this would all of got back to my wife.
I texted her this morning to check in on preagreed plans for me to see the kids so she could spend the day with same friends.
Texts back were really cold, terse and impersonal I ran by wether kids would like to go out to lunch.
She responded I could do whatever I liked them
I let her know that I'd decided to go into work rather than attend my class in the morning but would see the kids at same pre arranged time.
This set off a chain of messages saying how unfair the situation was to her. That she wanted a plan in place immediately for me to have the kids 50% of term time.
I replied querying that we had previously agreed that kids would remain in family home and I would see them regularly and alternate weekend's until we sold house and could both buy somewhere.
(My flat is 1 bed so with a son and daughter we initially thought it would be too much upheaval for the kids with logistics of getting to school and sleeping arrangements etc.
She goes off, stating that that is my problem to sort out, that there is no family home, home is where the heart is
I asked if she wanted to sit down to discuss this and the seperation plan, let her know I could be as flexible as possible and was open to working something out.
I then got a stream of links to co parenting plans. That she wanted me to agree to one week on, one week off immediately and then she would be happy to talk things through
I responded I was open to finding a solution and that we would need to discuss logistics and the child benefits she is claiming as kids living with her ( Im renting at basically unmanageable expense to be able to feed and clothe the kids as well) I asked her if she had made plans for bonfire night this Tuesday.
She replied that she no longer wants to do anything together. That she wants stronger boundaries That she does not want me in her personal space or at the family home.
I validated
She continues accusing me of not doing enough ( again every time she has called short notice when there has been an issue I have jumped)
She seems 100% only concerned with ensuring she has this new single social life.
She drops the kids off, and again on seeing her my heart melts ,I kept things friendly but she seems really irked. I'm guessing by my going out.
I fully understand , i feel great jealousy whenever I think of her out having fun.
Rough day, part of me feels she is conflicted or she is just feeling a lot of hate and anger towards me.
Know I can't tell what she is thinking, feel sure she's going to spend the day with new friends consolidating how this seperation is the right thing to do.
Her friends let her know that you were out having a good time. She's mad at the world, herself and everything else. She is having a tantrum like a 2 year old. I wouldn't worry about her being irked. She'll get over it. They do not like to see and/or hear that we are living our lives and are moving on. They want us to remain right where they left us.
J, continue as you have been...listen and validate. Live your life to the fullest and you know what you can or can't do on your schedule w/your children.
Leave her be for now. Give her time and space and when she gets over her little snit, she'll be back to being somewhat friendly.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
