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Just my opinion but no they are not good parents, and in fact they are lousy role models for their children. Another argument is the children are strong and will be fine,


I'm 100% no contact (3 months now), have 2 kids full time, 1 still isn't speaking to him and the other is angry. I read on here that a MLC is akin to a mental illness, that something happens to their brains where just aren't right anymore. I don't think they have much control over it. My WAH has backed himself into a corner and part of me can respect that. My kids are struggling but I'm doing the best I can.

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Wow! I got an email to update some information on a financial forum I use to belong to a long time ago and as I was doing that I came across a post I created from the first time my XW cheated on me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I find it funny that she didn't value me back then because I was a stay at home dad and now she left again but this time I had a full time job and worked a lot. The part that really stuck out to me was she didn't feel guilty for what she did. I remember typing this because it was a result of going to a counseling session with her that day and during the session she just hammered me with every weakness or insecurity I had. She used her knowledge of me as a weapon to destroy me in that counseling session and it nearly resulted in me killing myself.

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Betrayed and Seeking Advice
01-31-2009, 07:03 PM
Well the economy is in the dumps and so is my life. As with everyone else my portfolio is way down, my house is worth less than what I owe and I am a stay at home dad so I don't have a job. I of course wasn't concerned because retirement is 30+ years away and my "wife" was a nurse manager who made good money and had a stable job.

Little after Christmas I found out my wife doesn't love me, respect me, consider the job I did at home valuable and that she has been having an affair with her married "dream guy" for about a year. We have been doing the counseling but she is not interested in fixing the marriage because she says she is broken and needs to work on herself and it would be years before she could even consider working on the marriage. She does not feel guilty for what she did and is only staying with me because she feels bad that I am financially dependent on her. My daughter is almost 3 and I have taken care of her since she was born and am afraid of losing her.

Here is my situation if I leave and we split up assets then the retirement account would be hit with massive fees, have to be sold at the bottom of the market, and I have no way of paying for any part of the house. With no income and no place to live I would have to move in with my parents who don't really have money either and would have no way of supporting my child. The plan was for me to finish my masters degree when my daughter started preschool which would be next fall.

If I stay here I am in eternal hell because of the complete lack of caring by my exwife about what she did. I can't sleep well and my poor daughter has started getting moody, wetting the bed, and other things she has never had a problem with before. So the question is do I risk destroying myself financially and leave and hope I can still be the main person in my daughters life? Or do I stick it out here until I get my masters degree and get a job and hope the market recovers somewhat?

Never again will I let myself be financially dependent on another person NEVER.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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I take back what I said then. That stinks.

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D13 and I were out driving and saw XW jogging on the side of the road. Poor D13 had a hard time because XW had told her she was working during those times and now she finds out that her mom is not working but using the time to workout. If you have read my sitch you will understand she has an addiction to working out because she has severe weight and body image issues. She should weigh around 115lbs but now D13 says she is down to 90lbs and still constantly dieting and exercising. Her workouts aren't a big deal to me anymore but every additional lie she tells D13 is another stab in her heart. D13 has a hard time because for the past 13 years her mom continuously chose working out or her workout friends over spending time with her. She also just discussed this at the last therapy session. I tried to let D13 know that she can't control what her mom does which unfortunately includes lying. I told D13 she can only let her mom know what would help her and then either her mom will listen and choose to do those actions or she will choose not to.

XW also did not even acknowledge D13 when we passed.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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D13 has a longer visitation this weekend and she would like everyone to wish her luck. She is very nervous after having that intense therapy session with her mom.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Joined: Jul 2019
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Originally Posted by rooskers
D13 has a longer visitation this weekend and she would like everyone to wish her luck. She is very nervous after having that intense therapy session with her mom.


Hey Roo so sorry man I missed this! I hope D13 went ok over the weekedn and would like to wish her luck belatedly. How did she go??

Man, that post from 2009 is a real gut wrencher. I'm sorry you've gone through this twice now mate.

Keep up the strength! Cheers DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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D13 had an ok visit, her mom did all the things she asked her to do at the therapy session.

My heart hurts so bad. Every time I think I can get past all of this, the pain hits me so hard. I went alone on a 24 mile back country hike this weekend and was crossing a icy/snowy slope with about a 2,000 foot vertical drop off. I love my daughter too much but I can't say it wasn't tempting. She feels I am the only family she has left and I promised her I would be there for her as long as she needed.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Joined: Jul 2019
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Oh geez Roo I feel for you brother. Have you got close friends where you are that you can pick up the phone and speak to them about these feelings?

Your daughter needs you and deserves you and you need to stay as strong as you can in even the most difficult times. You stick to that promise to your D buddy, ok.

If I ever make it to the US (always wanted to visit the best country in the world!), we'll go on that back country hike together mate.

Sending you a big man/bro hug and letting you know this time that someone across the other side of the world is with you and thinking of you bud.

Keep DBing and keep being the Lighthouse.

DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 239
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I am trying hard today but......

  • My biological dad was an alcoholic and sexually abusive.
  • My mother has visited my house 4 times in the last 22 years and lives pretty close.
  • My mother has called me maybe 3 times in the last year and that was only to return my calls.
  • My step dad has never called me once in his life.
  • Neither of my parents have called or come to visit me since BD.
  • Couple years ago I paid off over $20,000 in my parents credit card debt with barely a thank you.
  • Sister ran away when she was 16 with her boyfriend and went on a spree of breaking and entering, stolen jewelry, stolen cars, and ended up in jail in California which I helped pay for mom to fly down and bail her out.
  • My sister borrowed $2,000 from me to pay for one of her child's surgery but I found out she used it for something else (drugs). She has never talked to me since
  • Moved out of my parents house during my senior year in high school and my parents didn't even notice I had left and still to this day do not realize. Confirmed with my best friends mom that I did this since mom doesn't believe me.
  • XW cheated on me 2009 and went through living hell with her attacking/blaming me on every level.
  • Ridiculed for being a stay at home dad for D13's first 5 years of her life by wife, friends, and most moms in the groups I signed up for.
  • 10 years of rebuilding trust and wife BD me again with only I am negative and I didn't build D13 crib when she was a baby
  • Been accused of violence, mental abuse, not taking care of D13, doing to much for D13 so she favors me, lazy, work to much, weak, controlling, to passionate, not passionate enough, not masculine enough, too masculine
  • Marriage counseling therapist turned to me in the one and only session after second BD and said I can give you a list of other therapists because apparently he only wanted to work with XW. (He was our MC therapist after the first affair and my IC). When I asked if I could see him again he said "sure" but when I texted him he never returned my text.
  • Many of my friends no longer invite me over or include me in stuff (XW is not invited either so it isn't like they took sides)
  • Last week not a single person called or texted me except D13


To summarize how I feel ~

Abandoned by biological dad
Abandoned by mom
Abandoned by step dad
Abandoned by sister
Abandoned by wife
Abandoned by some friends
Abandoned by therapist

It is extremely difficult to look at myself and wonder what the *&^% is wrong with me. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, work hard, got good grades, went to college, take good care of D13, before affairs XW said I was amazing husband and dad, take care of my parents, always their for my friends, never cheated, primary income part of relationship, primary caretaker for another part. I am tired just so very tired.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Joined: Jul 2019
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Roo, I dont know what to say to this but thank you for telling us about these tragic aspects of your life. That you've weathered all these tragedies and still are here for your daughter and still going forward is testament to your character and strength.

There is nothing wrong with you - nothing, nothing, nothing! Bad people take advantage of good people.

Do you trust getting in touch with another C to help out? Or maybe get in touch with one of the counsellors from Divorce Busting itself?

We're here for you buddy. Keep us posted frequently with your thoughts and feelings ok.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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