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#2870371 11/01/19 05:58 PM
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22 Years Gone Part 1

Prologue:

My XW and I had been together since we met in college back in 1997. We got married in 2002 and had our daughter in 2006. From 1997-2002 I was the primary bread-winner and put XW through college and after she then worked and put me through college. We then decided to have a child and since she could make a lot more money than my profession I became the stay at home dad. In 2008 she had an affair on me with the husband of a couple we were really good friends with. She was the one who pursued him and he broke it off to save his marriage with his wife. I was in hell for 4 months until she agreed to work on the relationship, which I thought had been going great for the next 10 years. A year ago D13 and myself had noticed she was pulling away but thought it was because of how busy we all were. May 23 XW decided to BD me right before my birthday and a big Hawaii trip we had been planning for 4 years. She said it was not because of a guy but D13 told me she had been seeing her hold hands and spending a lot of time with her best friends dad. She denied it but other people confirmed they have been together a lot and she even invited OM daughter to go to Hawaii since I couldn't go anymore. XW moved out one day after BD and has never been back or talked about the R or seen me other than at D13 drop off since then. XW had an appointment with a divorce attorney within a week of leaving, so to protect myself financially and to protect my time with D13 I contacted my own lawyer. XW called me before Hawaii and told me exactly what she wanted in the divorce (D13 every other weekend, split everything financially in half, and I get the house.) I had my lawyer draw up the paperwork and when XW got back from the Hawaii trip she was given the papers and she signed them and within a couple weeks it was over. XW then became very hostile towards me and became extremely distant from D13. Visitation visits have been extremely difficult between D13 and XW. D13 is in therapy and I have been adapting to my new life as a single dad raising a teenage daughter.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Joined: Aug 2019
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D13 is going to have a therapy session with her mom so D13 can set her boundaries and expectations during her visitations. I am really hoping XW truly listens to what D13 is asking but am not too hopeful.

D13 has been having a hard time lately and said she believes her mom is lost and wants to come back home but doesn't know how. I asked her what actions made her believe this to be true and D13 said whenever D13 brings me up in a conversation she gets really sad for a moment then immediately gets angry. She also said whenever they pull up to the house her mom gets teary eyed but then changes back to anger again. I asked D13 how these thoughts made her feel and then validated those feelings. I have really been working a lot on trying to just listen and validate D13 but I struggle because one of my 180's was not always trying to "fix" things.

I am working on being an amazing dad and trying to get the courage to go back to college to finish a master's degree. My half of the retirement has been distributed to me and for some reason it triggered me badly. I think this is because it was a part of my dreams/goals from the past and those dreams/goals are no more. Now I can refinance the house in my name only so now I can get the title in my name only.

I am still living week to week and cannot yet envision life beyond that time frame but my heart no longer hurts all the time. It is difficult to GAL due to the fact I am a full time parent, most of my friends are married, and I have to work a lot. Most of my spare time is working on housework, running errands, and doing projects around the house.

It is hard not to echo the words of D13 "I miss my family." Both D13 and I realize that the family we loved so much was only our reality and not XW reality. XW for her own reasons didn't see things the same way we did and we both understand that now. D13 and I both know that the holiday season is going to be a giant emotional roller coaster.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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You’re an amazing dad and man roo- archetypal amoafwl

Does D13 have a close group of friends she can confide in? How are you and her doing today mate?

Do your masters next year when the dust settles

Stay strong buddy- Danny champion of the world


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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My plan is to stay out of stores (use curbside pickup), watch Netflix (no commercials) and continue to keep the radio off (I listen to soothing instrumental music). I will decorate, bake cookies but only in the safe cocoon of my home with my babies. I can handle the holidays but only in small controlled doses. No extended family so it’s just us.

Last edited by kas99; 11/03/19 02:37 AM.
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archetypal amoafwl

DS9 what is amoafwl?

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Does D13 have a close group of friends she can confide in?

D13 does have some friends she has been having fun with and I keep encouraging that part of her life. I have pushed her to get out and GAL. She went to her first 8th grade dance of the year. We spent two days at the mall to find her dress and she looked beautiful in it.

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continue to keep the radio off (I listen to soothing instrumental music).

Classical or instrumental music is literally the only thing I can listen to. Almost all music with words just triggers me badly. TV is nonexistent anymore because I can't handle it.

Tomorrow is D13's therapy appointment with her mom to set boundaries on what happens during visitations. D13 is very nervous but I keep giving her words of encouragement. For me personally it will be a struggle because it will be the first time I have seen XW since she walked out the door (except the brief exchanges of D13). During the exchanges I don't even come within 50 feet of XW and now will likely have to sit in the small waiting room with XW. I will suck it up because D13 wants me to be there for support. Part of me is very curious as to how my emotions will play out.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
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Tomorrow is D13's therapy appointment with her mom to set boundaries on what happens during visitations. D13 is very nervous but I keep giving her words of encouragement. For me personally it will be a struggle because it will be the first time I have seen XW since she walked out the door (except the brief exchanges of D13). During the exchanges I don't even come within 50 feet of XW and now will likely have to sit in the small waiting room with XW. I will suck it up because D13 wants me to be there for support. Part of me is very curious as to how my emotions will play out.


Grateful to be passed having to see WAH but the few times I have it wasn't terrible mostly because he looks so miserable. lol

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D13 had the therapy session with her mom and came out feeling "powerful." She said she called her mom on some of the stuff she has been doing to her in the past couple years. D13 said her mom would get defensive and then D13 would call her on it. Then her mom would say "I am such a screw up" but would not admit to what she did to screw things up. D13 would just tell her "yes you are a screw up and a liar." Her mom would just cry and when she got no sympathy from D13 or the therapist she would stop crying. D13 said it mostly just felt fake with bits of truth sprinkled in. During the meeting D13 said at this time I don't feel like you are my "mother" and although I am thinking about a relationship it will depend on your actions. All in all D13 was able to clearly articulate that she is leaving a toe in the relationship but her mom's words mean nothing to her and her actions overtime will be the only thing D13 looks at. I was proud of my daughter. The thing that shocked me was when her mom left the meeting she didn't appear shocked or sad at all? If I had left a meeting where my daughter told me she didn't think I was her father anymore I would be so devastated I wouldn't be safe to drive. XW just came out of the session like she just finished work and had to go get groceries at the store before heading home.

XW avoided all contact with me completely. Didn't hurt like I thought it would but still surprises me that someone after 22 years can just emotionally disconnect that easy. In her mind I no longer exist.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
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The thing that shocked me was when her mom left the meeting she didn't appear shocked or sad at all?

Didn't hurt like I thought it would but still surprises me that someone after 22 years can just emotionally disconnect that easy. In her mind I no longer exist.


It's taken me a while to grasp this concept but it is true believe nothing they say and half of what they do. That said I think she is sad and I don't think she's emotionally disconnected. If this were all true then why all the dramatics, the emails and the anger?

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Hey Roo

Geez I feel for D13. Sounds like she is growing up way too fast.

Do you think its good for XW to be involved in the counselling sessions? Probably is hey. If she keeps going of course.

She's not emotionally disconnected mate. The cracks show when she rages, dramatics etc. Read the MLC sticky 'why are they so distant'. Reading on compartmentalisation has really opened my eyes as well.

Stay strong brother.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Aug 2019
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Geez I feel for D13. Sounds like she is growing up way too fast.


She is growing up way to fast and that is one of the tragedies of MLC, WAS, WS actions when there are children involved. I know not all peoples sitch are the same here, but I have become pretty biased in my current beliefs on how good of parents many (not all) of those people are. I see a lot of spouses treating the LBS horribly, behaving erratic, out of control, lying, manipulating, gas lighting, vindictive, accusing, drugs, alcohol, mentally unstable and many other cruel things. The children see this and understand a lot, especially the older they are. Then I hear "but they are a good parent." Just my opinion but no they are not good parents, and in fact they are lousy role models for their children. Another argument is the children are strong and will be fine, but the evidence I read in book after book says the children are at higher risk for drugs, abuse, suicide, relationship problems, pregnancy, academic problems, behavior issues and many others. If they ever come out of the "fog" or whatever it is they are going through then yes they could become amazing parents but while they continue current behavior I think they are abusive not only to the LBS but also emotionally abusive to their children. Ok my rant is over smile

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Do you think its good for XW to be involved in the counselling sessions?


No, I think it was a waste of time. D13 was able to talk about all of her anger but each thing D13 brought up her mom would deny, tell D13 her memory was wrong, make D13 feel guilty, or blame D13. D13 would then call her on the stuff and even offer up proof which made her mom silent for a moment and then her mom would take a new tactic. The new tactic was to try and get sympathy by saying "I know I am such a horrible person, I am such a screw-up, nobody likes me" and in response D13 would just say "yes, yes you are." Then her mom would get angry and the therapist would have to step in. Finally, her mom would start crying which D13 and therapist said could be turned on and off like clockwork when needed. The cycle of deny, lie, blame, looking for sympathy, anger, fake cry continued on and on for an hour. This is exactly what happened 10 years ago to me when XW and I went to counseling sessions but the difference is when she looked for sympathy and started crying I melted and gave her everything she wanted. D13 is a whole different ballgame and it won't work on her "Hell hath no fury like a scorned teen girl!"

D13 told her mom "the emails dad sends about what I want and need at visitations are what I am trying to tell you not dad and quit blaming him for everything." She tried to tell D13 she was just being brainwashed but D13 and therapist put a quick stop to that. Her mom agreed to listen to what she wants for visitation for this upcoming weekend and agreed to stop blaming me for everything.

I was truly hoping XW would see the damage she has caused in the relationship with D13 and look at her own actions instead of blaming me. Unfortunately later that evening I received an email from her that contradicted everything she agreed to in the therapy session and once again blames me. An example, this therapist is suppose to be for D13 individually not for family counseling and D13 wants it that way as does the therapist. The one session with D13 and her mom was for D13 to set her boundaries on visitations. So XW emails me to tell me "I am 100% supportive of D13's ongoing private sessions with therapist," but in the next sentence says "I will be wanting to meet with D13 and therapist once a month to start with and more often later on." Apparently she appears to support the private sessions as long as she is part of it thereby not making them private any longer.

In my opinion XW will make lots of promises and do a couple things requested to start rebuilding trust and then when things appear ok stab D13 right in the heart. XW has done that to her mom, dad, brother, best friend at college, coworkers, and me.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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