Could use some help coping with impending D. I do not want D, but W does. My W and I have started negotiating finances and have already agreed to custody (50/50). I am spinning with anger, fear, uncertainty and an occasional glimpse of hope for a brighter future. I am mostly struggling with forgiving W for what this will do to my S11 and S18. This trauma on them is unnecessary. I do not believe there any issues that we can not work out in our M.
I've been there. My sons were 11 and 13 at the time. You're right, the trauma that the children go through is a terrible thing. I was so angry with my wife that I couldn't even consider forgiving her; I couldn't believe that she'd put our sons through all of that pain just so she could have her "best friend."
As much as I hate to say it, the best thing you can probably do right now is to get a lawyer. They're expensive, but having someone to guide you through the process helps reduce your fear and anxiety as well as helping you to avoid common pitfalls along the way. My lawyer took care of all of the correspondence with my wife's attorney so I was never served papers and I didn't have to keep track of anything. That made the process a lot easier for me.
Regardless, it's very difficult, but you will survive and hopefully you can contain the negative impact on your sons as much as possible.
I'm with Doodler on this one. You should have a lawyer to make sure your interests are represented and you aren't being taken advantage of. My XH was the one who initiated everything so I let him do the bulk of the work. I met with my lawyer twice... once to review what my XH proposed and to counter offer. The second counter offer we did via email because there were only a couple of things. After that, we met one other time to review the final agreement and sign things. The entire process cost me about $1,500. I'm sure my XH's bill was much, much higher. If both parties are reasonable and mostly in agreement with terms, it doesn't have to be outrageously expensive.
I hear you on the struggles with forgiving your W. For the most part, I have forgiven my XH for wanting out of the marriage (we both neglected our R) but I still go back and forth on forgiving him for HOW he did it. Lying and cheating are incredibly disrespectful behaviours and ones that he chose over and over again in lieu of being honest and trying to either work things out (we didn't fight...these were just unspoken resentments that he let build) or to at least part ways in a respectful manner. However, he is being as good of a dad as he can be which has bought him some cred with me.
TBH...mostly I miss the person he used to be and the R that we had before he started all of his crazy behaviour. I miss my friend and my partner... but that guy disappeared long ago. The person who replaced him is a virtual stranger to me and that is sad given our history and our kids but it is what it is and it is a sadness that I have learned to live with.
Time helps. I saw XH yesterday and it was fine. We share kids...they deserve for things to be as good between us as possible. I really believe that if my kids see that I am okay, than they are okay. I am like you...I did not want this...not for me... and definitely not for them. But there are some things in life we just don't get to choose and this is one of those things. We don't have to like it but we do have to accept it and make the best of it which is what I have chosen to do. And now that a year has passed since BD, I am really glad that I did. I am okay. My kids are okay. That's all that matters.
Thank you for your responses. Defintely some sage advice right there. W is in MLC and she needs to see and feel the results of her actions. I can not rescue her from herself. It is unfortunate that there will be collateral damage along the way (.kids, finances), but that seems unavoidable at this point. It is what it is.
I read your story and I think you will find you get more support in the newcomers thread. You are not Divorced yet and I don't think your W is having a MLC. Every spouse is going to check boxes for MLC and I don't think a new car and tatto necessarily means MLC. Now I'm not saying she's not its just that full blown MLCers typically don't seek counseling, because they don't think anything is wrong with them. Regardless the advice is mostly the same.
I am impressed by your strength. Most newbies are a mess in the beginning. You absolutely have a chance at recon but it's most likely not going to be for a really long time.
Thanks for the response, that’s an interesting take. Whether it’s MLC or not, she’s not in a good place right now. How do you feel about me working through the D? We will be stuck in limbo land forever if I leave it up to her to do the heavy lifting for the D. That would impact kids negatively, too. She needs to see what her new reality will look like, as opposed to the fantasy land she thinks it will be. I need to protect myself and carve out the best financial deal possible while things are still quite amicable.
Well that’s where you have a tough decision to make. This is a divorce busting site and it is highly recommended that since you don’t want D then you should let them do the heavy lifting. Take the time in between to work on yourself while obviously negotiating the best deal for you.
If you are doing it to try to show her reality then I can tell you it won’t work right away. If you’re doing it to secure your finances and move on with your life that is understandable too.
There is absolutely no quick way through this but it makes you strong as fuch.
I’d say I’m doing it for both reasons. Staying in limbo land while she’s cake eating and has more time to plot against me just doesn’t seem smart, even though a D is not what I want.
She has clearly lost sight of what she has, warts and all. I am ok moving forward without her, I will not die, and should something happen down the road, we will cross that bridge when (if) we get to it.
I can see it in your writing that you know your value. You will take this time and improve yourself and become a man only a fool would leave. In the beginning your W will enjoy the newness of being single or the new relationship that she has recently entered. She's been eating steak dinner since she's been 18 years old. Right now she's sick of steak and is settling for TV dinners because it's something different. Eventually she will realize that although there are many choices of TV dinners, none of them can compare to a steak dinner.
It will then be your choice if you are willing to serve her steak again.
I agree. Do what’s best for you financially. I don’t know why it’s recommended to let them do the heavy lifting. It is healthier for you to move on and out of limbo. Limbo was horrible. Divorce busting advice isn’t always great in newcomers or MLC. A lot of emotional people that are ok with being abused and Cheated on and sometimes justify it with religion.
