Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
#2870184 10/31/19 05:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
Hey everyone. Link to my OG thread.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2867699&page=1

To Recap:

Me (32) WW (31) separated almost a year. No kiddos, 4 awesome dogs. She developed a friendship that made me uncomfortable. I pushed her away by doing all of the wrong things (begging, trying to be perfect, acting like a crazy woman). She and friend fell for one another. She's been back and forth between the two of us for a year and can't make a decision. I'm focusing on making my own path and living my life with or without her. She lives on her own, as do I.


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
AS,

My biggest fear has been that she will call and say that everything between them is over and she just wants "us",etc. She has done this more than once and always returns to OW. Soooo, I am building those walls and keeping my distance because I don't trust her. I am just going to live my life and if she wants back into it, she's going to have to earn it. I mean really "woo" the heck out of me. If no actions and no pursuit, no sweat! I guess reading everyone's situations and looking at life, I am just thankful to have the life that I do and to be finally feeling like I'm worth something.


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,412
Likes: 25
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,412
Likes: 25
Originally Posted by KristinG
My biggest fear has been that she will call and say that everything between them is over and she just wants "us",etc. She has done this more than once and always returns to OW.


So you prepare now and face your biggest fear.



Lets say she calls to tell you this. You just let it go to VM. You listen to VM:

Her"Please call me"


How SHOULD you respond? Her words mean nothing right now.

I would wait. Wait for her to call again. Let her leave VM again. You listen to it. You wait.

Might have to repeat this several times.


At some point you can text her: "Just saw you called. Can't talk now, but text me if it is important"

Read the text. Wait. Give yourself enough time to respond to her logically (what you SHOULD DO), not emotionally (What you FEEL like).





"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Hey Kristin, you're doing great! Re-read your thread and see how far you've come in just a few weeks in terms of how much more self-love and self-respect you're cultivating compared to before-- you are sounding so much stronger, more confident, less worried about her and focusing on what you need. You're not taking scraps anymore! You're amazing and I'm filled with admiration for you and how you're handling this. Does it make sense to take the next step when you're ready and slow down on the texting/calling? Probably... and I have every confidence you'll get there when it feels right.

Even if you don't end up doing anything social tonight-- maybe indulge in your favorite Halloween candy with a long bath or a silly scary movie! Treat yourself!


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
Ok. Time for the weekend update.

Friday night spent at home relaxing and enjoying a crisp, cold night with some hot chocolate. Saturday ww left for a weekend getaway trip with one of her friends. They were going back to a Halloween pumpkin show, the same place where my nightmare began 1 year ago. Determined not to mope and continuing to GAL and live my best life, I put on my Halloween costume and went out with friends. WW and I were texting all day and night and I think it was killing her to not spend our festivities together. I'm happy to report that none of my decisions as of lately have been anything to do with her. If I want to go out with friends, I go. Not thinking "ohhh, I'll go and she will think or do xyz". So yeah, I'm caring much less about what she will think about anything I'm doing or not doing. WW called to say ILY and tell me good night. She expressed feeling sad that we weren't together and I just validated her feelings and said goodnight.

Sunday, ww calls me in the morning before the drive home. She invites me over for a football game and some food. I told her I didn't know yet whether I was going to get out. Instantly, she became short and hurt that I didn't readily accept. She promptly ended the phone call and remained distant the rest of the morning. I got up, made coffee, enjoyed my morning, and thought about whether to go. After much deliberation, I decided I would really enjoy myself. I went to her house, we cooked together (something we have always enjoyed), and watched our team play a horrible game - but loved it none the less. She wrapped me up in several hugs throughout the day and we almost kissed a couple of times.

I know some 2*4s are coming - and I'm completely OK with those. I'm still 100% focused on me, and truth be told, I have given up any drive or desire to fix this. Because here's the deal folks - WE CAN'T FIX ANY OF IT. It has taken me a long, long time to reach the point of surrender. But thank God, I'm finally here. Where I know without a shadow of a doubt I'm going to be ok either way. Heck, I might be better off without her. I don't know for sure, but I think things have ended with AP. Not to say that she won't be going back in 3 weeks time. Which is why I have walls up and am not getting attached to any notions. She hasn't talked about any of it, and I really don't care to ask. I'm done playing games and trying to win. I'm going to live my life.

I hope you all had a great weekend. Thanks for listening!


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,412
Likes: 25
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,412
Likes: 25
Have you come up with a list of non-negotiable's?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
R2C,

No. Truthfully, I can't even begin to think about them. Basically, I'm mentally to a point in which IF she decides to commit and we have some type of R talk, there are no more chances. If she commits, and then begins to contact AP - I'm out. I have finally accepted that our marriage, as it was, is over. If we are to R, it means a complete rebuild from the ground up. At this point, I'm unsure as to whether we can even salvage it, certainly not without a TON of work from both of us. I've given up and am just being friendly, moving on with my life, and waiting to see where her intentions lie. Her actions are certainly showing more commitment as she has been in almost constant communication since BD #2. I don't reach out to her, but I respond in a friendly manner. She texts as soon as she gets up and right before bed, calls on work breaks, etc. This is why I don't think (and don't worry I am believing nothing until actions offer proof) that she is still seeing AP. Thoughts and suggestions are welcome.


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Hi Kristin,
I'll leave it up to others who are far more versed than I on the DBing techniques... but wanted to just say you sound great, really centered and strong. Keep it up!!


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,560
Likes: 1
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,560
Likes: 1
Kristin -

The quote below, which I read on the forum 6 months ago, helped me a lot. In particular it helped me kickstart me thinking about my non-negotiable's in very specific ways. And to understand how R would require a wholesale rebuild (as you mentioned above).

Having that list (and it's only 3 items) helps me feel strong and secure in my resolve to DB and not backslide into old relationship patterns. It also helps me recognize things like "Oh she's being friendly today, but I should not read anything into it."

Originally Posted by LH19
If you engage in a relationship with her again it should only be under the conditions that:

1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value
2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone
3) She's willing to work to win you

Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.

Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
Hey May! Hope you're doing well - glad you are navigating communication with your H a little better. It's good to see you leaning back while at the same time communicating your strength and worth to him.

Unchien,

I need to read your entire sitch as I have read some really great advice from you on other threads.

Originally Posted by unchien


Having that list (and it's only 3 items) helps me feel strong and secure in my resolve to DB and not backslide into old relationship patterns. It also helps me recognize things like "Oh she's being friendly today, but I should not read anything into it."

Originally Posted by LH19
If you engage in a relationship with her again it should only be under the conditions that:

1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value
2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone
3) She's willing to work to win you

Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.


I love this list! It conveys precisely what we should all be striving to accept for ourselves. Nothing less than this.

We hung out again last night as she asked me to join her at a friend's house. She was very thoughtful and sweet all night. She was very affectionate, and it was weird (but in a good way?). She even asked if it would be ok if she kissed me.

Throughout the night she made a few little comments about how she has really big plans to date me. That she has it "all planned out", she "has so much making up to do to me for everything she has put me through", that I have "been such an amazing wife and she never wants to lose me". I validated her desires and told her flirtatiously that yes, she will have a lot of work to do wink.

I have been reminding myself all day to believe none of what she says and only 50% of what she does. We will see where this road goes but I'm trying not to set any expectations on any outcome. The reason it felt weird in a good way is that she has tried to R and failed several times. BUT, none of those times were approached with seeing me with high value, a desire to only be in a R with me, and a willingness to work. They all felt like a "this is what I'm supposed to do" kind of reconciliation. Transversely, last night it felt like all 3 of the things you mentioned. Still no R talk and I am definitely not initiating that discussion. Still not wearing my wedding ring and I'm really focused on myself. She has to give a commitment before I will be willing to give one in return.

Last edited by KristinG; 11/05/19 09:06 PM.

LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard