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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
WHAT THE HELLLLLL brother we just all commended you for responding to her with a "yes" and nothing more and not wasting your time with long wordy explanations, and then you turn around the very next day and lay a long wordy explanation on her. FAIL! Be the alpha male of the house. You sleep in the master bed period. She doesn't like it you listen and validate- "I understand why you feel that way." "So you'll go back to the basement?" "No." "But blah blah blah!" "Yes I can tell this is a struggle for you." "So you'll sleep in the basement?" "No." Listen and validate, don't explain or reason or negotiate.


I think I’m starting to get it. Like I said though, she said we needed to “talk about last night” and I complied. I’ve been seizing any opportunity she presents in regards to opening a conversation. Should I have dismissed this conversation before it started?


Originally Posted by AnotherStander
An alpha male wouldn't sit in the parking lot waiting for a reply. You said you would get dinner, then get dinner. She doesn't say what she wants, then get whatever YOU want and take it home. She doesn't like it? Then she should have replied.


Just to provide some context here: she works from home and I knew she wasn’t feeling well and that she was still on a work call at the time so I waited to give her a chance to reply.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Your attitude should be you don't care where she sleeps. On you, next to you, in the bathtub, wherever. Not your problem.


That’s exactly how I handled it. She said she was going to sleep in the first room and I smiled and said ok.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Quit explaining everything!! ACTIONS not WORDS.


Copy that


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JR45 #2870160 10/31/19 04:05 PM
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Remember this: Less words are always more powerful.

Originally Posted by JR425
* She’s decided to stay in the guest room for now


Time to make the room yours.
Google this "Masculine Comforter Set"

Do this on the way home tonight:
Buy new sheets, Masculine Comforter, New "Manly" picture for the wall. They all should be cohesive.

When you get home, go into the room, put some music on and move the bed to a new location. Put the new sheets and comforter on. Hange the picture. Start sleeping on "her" side of the bed from this point forward.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
JR45 #2870168 10/31/19 04:30 PM
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Originally Posted by JR425
I think I’m starting to get it. Like I said though, she said we needed to “talk about last night” and I complied. I’ve been seizing any opportunity she presents in regards to opening a conversation. Should I have dismissed this conversation before it started?


If she wants to have a talk then you let her talk. But don't say anything back to her other than simple validating comments. Here's an example: "We need to talk, we need to get this divorce going ASAP, I can't take this anymore." "You sound frustrated, is that how you feel?" "Yes I'm very frustrated that you are not helping me with this divorce!" "I can tell you are frustrated, I am sorry you are struggling with this." "Good, so you will help me with the divorce?" "No, I do not want a divorce, but if you wish to pursue that I will not stand in your way." "How dare you blah blah blah!" "I know this is difficult for you." The point is don't argue/ beg/ plead/ negotiate/ reason just remain neutral no matter how emotional she gets.

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That’s exactly how I handled it. She said she was going to sleep in the first room and I smiled and said ok.


Good!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Remember this: Less words are always more powerful.
Time to make the room yours.
Google this "Masculine Comforter Set"

Do this on the way home tonight:
Buy new sheets, Masculine Comforter, New "Manly" picture for the wall. They all should be cohesive.

When you get home, go into the room, put some music on and move the bed to a new location. Put the new sheets and comforter on. Hange the picture. Start sleeping on "her" side of the bed from this point forward.


I see what you’re getting at. I have some ideas that I can implement to make the room more “mine” but it’ll have to wait until next week. Between trick-or-treating tonight and my hunting trip with my son this weekend I’ll have plenty of time to think about what I really want to do with it and can start Monday after work. She’s going to be so pissed. Is that the reaction I’m really looking for at this point?


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Better even than sleeping on "her" side: STARFISH.


Me: 46
W: 44
Married: 17
Together 21
D13; S10
BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you)
Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage
Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
JR45 #2870208 10/31/19 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by JR425
She’s going to be so pissed. Is that the reaction I’m really looking for at this point?
You are not doing to get a reaction. You are doing it because you decided it was time to change it up. It is your room. She moved out.

If she gets pissed, validate her feelings.

If she questions you, simple answer:

"I like this better"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by JRuss
Better even than sleeping on "her" side: STARFISH.
I am confused. Can you elaborate?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by JRuss
Better even than sleeping on "her" side: STARFISH.
I am confused. Can you elaborate?


I think he means spread out all over the bed. It's what I started doing, and after a while I realized I LIKED IT grin


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I think he means spread out all over the bed. It's what I started doing, and after a while I realized I LIKED IT grin
Ahhh yes. Thanks for clarifying.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
JR45 #2870256 11/01/19 02:50 AM
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Good family night trick-or-treating with the kids. My brother came over for it and that always helps make her feel more comfortable. He’s Great with the kids and just a funny guy in general so he can always get us both laughing.

Day to day is great and it’s still like everything is completely normal. It’s still always that awkward evening and morning routine where we pass each other in the hallway as we switch kids rooms to tuck them in. There was always a grab of the hand, slap on the butt, hip check, whatever. Sometimes we’d both just stop for a hug and a quick kiss. Now it’s just figuring out who’s going which way so we can take the path that maintains the most distance between us. Sometimes a “goodbye” or “have a good day” before I leave for work but I think I’m the only one that says that anymore. I usually try to leave when she’s out of the kitchen so I can just sneak out and avoid the awkwardness.
It’ll be difficult to “take over the room” because she hasn’t moved out technically. She just sleeps in the next room. We still use the same bathroom and all her clothes are still in there (same as when I was in the basement). I could be wrong but I think she feels like I pushed her out of the bedroom and she has some resentment. The truth is, I don’t want it to be my room. She’s welcome back in the bed anytime so I don’t want to make her build more resentment and feel like her decision to leave is justified and have no desire to come back.


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