I'll second LH19 with way too much talking and actions over words, time and space etc.
I noticed you mentioned drinking. 180 on that and stop the drinking.
To the cat analogy, I'd recommend the picnic analogy. I dont know where it is on the forum, but I think someone quoted it recently (maybe Another Stander??).
I noticed you mentioned working on negativity. I had that big time, and am working on it in IC. Look to your childhood. It's probably an emotional defence mechanism subconsciously imparted when you were a child. Look into internal family systems. It's all about childhood.
Good luck mate!
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I hear you both (LH19 and DS9) regarding the talking too much. I think I just now realized that it’s one of the things she wanted...but it’s too late. It’s just hard because when she engages in convo I’m 100% ready and engaged. Full eye contact, listening, repeating, validating. I can’t say nothing though because I see her looking for a response (body language) and it’s a chance for us to work on the R. I’m having a hard time drawing the line between “what I should be doing now” vs. what I know I used to do, should have been doing all along, and want to do again. Where is the line of “too much talking”? How do I show I can be the man I used to be and confide in her as a *friend* by doing the same old and not sharing with her (*She brought up the “we were doing well at becoming friends again” during the bed retake convo insinuating I set us back.) This is the daily struggle and while I feel like I’m finally off eggshells around her, I still don’t know how to properly engage with her.
I noticed you mentioned drinking. 180 on that and stop the drinking.
Copy that. I know and have known. I have a few crutches I’m working on ditching and that’s the first to go. I hadn’t had a beer on a weekday in months prior to BD. Time to get that s back on track. Getting back in my own bed was the first step.
*completely random (edited to re-emphasize) For anyone reading that has an appreciation for 90’s music; namely Goo Goo Dolls, or anyone who currently enjoys Imagine Dragons; Check out the Goo Goo Dolls new album ‘Miracle Pill’. The first 3-4 songs will become your new gym songs. The entire album feels like Johnny Reziznick has been reading all of these posts for years and summed it all up in an hour. It’s amazing to hear the same songs over and over and feeling different emotions each time. Summary: The underlying theme is “starting all over” (Miracle Pill). The loss of SO is clearly present but the focus is the understanding of past mistakes and new beginning. Overall, if you’re going to have a song stuck in your head on any given day, play song 1-3 (I’m now hooked on 4) on repeat and stay positive. *edit: I used to be really into music and finding new off-radio music. I lost that over time and am re-discovering this simple joy. I’ve listened to this entire album at least 15 times over the past 2 weeks including 2 times tonight. I keep drawing from it. There’s a lot of positivity to be found in places you may have forgot to look! Keep your head up and eyes forward!
Holding eye contact, listening, validating are all great things so keep it up. Slow down on the talking about improving yourself. Words don't mean jack $hit only actions do.
One of the challenges for newbies is they have no idea how long the time lines for their sitches to play out. Five years I left for a few days after a fight to stay with a friend. I thought everything would be fixed by the end of the week. Two and a half years later my ex filed for divorce.
You absolutely have a chance here if you can stay out of your own way. Slow and steady wins the race.
I explained that I’ve been working to identify the major generators of negativity in my life, determining which ones I can change and taking steps toward that positive change. I have identified sleeping in the basement as a major generator of negativity in my life that is detrimental to both my mental and physical health (I’ve been drinking more so I can get out of my head and fall asleep and even then I’m lucky to get 5 hours a night). I also identified this as something I can control and so I took action. I mentioned that I had played out 100 different scenarios on how to approach it and no single one jumped out as a winner. I decided that I needed to put my new found confidence and self respect to the test and just do it. I explained that I can see how this comes across as selfish but that’s not where I was coming from. I need to work on me and sometimes that will appear selfish.
WHAT THE HELLLLLL brother we just all commended you for responding to her with a "yes" and nothing more and not wasting your time with long wordy explanations, and then you turn around the very next day and lay a long wordy explanation on her. FAIL! Be the alpha male of the house. You sleep in the master bed period. She doesn't like it you listen and validate- "I understand why you feel that way." "So you'll go back to the basement?" "No." "But blah blah blah!" "Yes I can tell this is a struggle for you." "So you'll sleep in the basement?" "No." Listen and validate, don't explain or reason or negotiate.
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She misconstrued a situation from Monday night so badly that I was able to prove her wrong with our texts. (Perhaps a bad idea?) She’s been dealing with a cold and I’ve offered to pick up dinner every night this week. She said it would have helped for me to pick up dinner Monday night but I did actually offer and sat in the grocery store parking lot for 10 minutes waiting on a response before heading home only to receive the response as I was pulling into the neighborhood. From there, I went into homeowner mode racing against the sun to mark my sprinklers so the lawn could be aerated the next day. She took it as selfish because she had to make dinner when she wasn’t feeling well. (I didn’t eat dinner that night). The topic of me spending so much time with her (family time) has been stressing her out and it’s selfish of me for not backing off. I still listened and validated while not letting myself be a push over. I have a habit of over apologizing so I was sure to do it only once. At the end of the conversation I apologized for causing her anxiety.
An alpha male wouldn't sit in the parking lot waiting for a reply. You said you would get dinner, then get dinner. She doesn't say what she wants, then get whatever YOU want and take it home. She doesn't like it? Then she should have replied.
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* She’s decided to stay in the guest room for now
Your attitude should be you don't care where she sleeps. On you, next to you, in the bathtub, wherever. Not your problem.
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* She acknowledged that I’m moving at a much more rapid pace for self improvement than her and I explained that my changes aren’t all gradual. I have some immediate 180’s I need to pull and I can’t wait to stay on the same page.
* I mentioned that her words “I need to work on myself before we can work on us” is the approach I’ve decided to take until she’s ready to work on us.
* She mentioned that we have been making progress on us indirectly. She doesn’t want to sweep the past under the rug and I whole heartedly agreed.
Man, thats great that she's acknowledging progress. Sounds like you guys are able to talk about your R. Last time I did that with my wife she said it made her nauseous lol
