No. And that’s the part I can’t get past. She comes from an extremely religious background, is a genuinely sweet and humble person, and lying and cheating just don’t suit her at all. I have always held my trust because she is fully invested in her faith and this would go against everything she’s ever stood for. But if she has truly fallen out of love with me, and in love with someone else, would she throw away 20+ years of our R and everything it’s stood for just to protect an A with OM?
This was my W to a "t". Very religious upbringing, very devout, heavy on the Catholic guilt and very worried about being the "good girl" and about what others would think. Sandi2 was a bit like this too. Thing is, this can ironically feed the rebellion dynamic in women that leads to waywardism. I had front row seat to this with my W... Alot of it came out and got explored in detail in MC. Bottom line, in MY wife's case it remained a beacon, however faint, and was eventually a significant contributor to her "coming back" to the marriage. But don't for a second think that your religious "good girl" W can't become a WW and have an affair... Sometimes that background, in combo with the right factors, can be a significant factor in them falling int waywardism and affairs.
Whether or not that's something you can live with and ultimately forgive is for you to decide...but you need to make room in your reality for that possibility, despite your W's good girl background
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
This was my W to a "t". Very religious upbringing, very devout, heavy on the Catholic guilt and very worried about being the "good girl" and about what others would think. Sandi2 was a bit like this too. Thing is, this can ironically feed the rebellion dynamic in women that leads to waywardism. I had front row seat to this with my W... Alot of it came out and got explored in detail in MC. Bottom line, in MY wife's case it remained a beacon, however faint, and was eventually a significant contributor to her "coming back" to the marriage. But don't for a second think that your religious "good girl" W can't become a WW and have an affair... Sometimes that background, in combo with the right factors, can be a significant factor in them falling int waywardism and affairs.
Whether or not that's something you can live with and ultimately forgive is for you to decide...but you need to make room in your reality for that possibility, despite your W's good girl background
This is the struggle. There is no gray area here. She is either 100% innocent of all the ill charges I’ve brought up, or she’s not only cheated on me, but lied to me as well. If the latter, all trust is gone and without trust, there is no foundation. No foundation? Let’s go find somewhere else to build.
Sometimes I hate how logic applies. However, I can’t imagine life without it. I truly feel sorry for those that lack it because their reality is generally so far off base.
JR - I'm a logical thinker as well and used to see things as black or white. I've learned though that life has a whole bunch of grey. Humans are complicated.
Here is my thought: if your W is plain and simply a cheater and a liar then I agree to move on and find someone to build a long lasting relationship with (no guarantees though is there). But what if she's been struggling and was a bit lost, couldn't explain why, but does want to R down the road and be the person she was? What about empathy for her in this scenario?
This is also for me as I'm trying to be empathic to my W's situation (I think mental illness). If it comes out that she's just this person then I'm better off without her but if depression is a factor then it changes things. And to this point I have zero actual proof of an affair but I suspect there is/was one.
I find that logical thinkers often struggle with empathy.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
W asked me again this morning if I’m doing ok. She said she feels like she hasn’t seen me the past couple days and I’ve been distant. I said I’m fine and just working through some things. She asked if we could talk tonight and I said yes. Damnit. I was trying to make plans in an attempt to avoid the convo but my buddy has to work late tonight so that fell through. She going to ask what’s going on and I’m going to fill her in on my doctors appt and the options I’m weighing. I’m hoping that will suffice as an answer to why I’ve been distant but she’s pretty good at seeing through me and knowing there’s more. Is it ok to let her know that I’m a little frustrated that she hasn’t made any effort to see an IC and that until she’s in a better place (her words), we’re not in a position to discuss some things? I just do t know where to cut communication. If she wants to discuss our MR and it seems to be coming from a good place, should I engage or just shut my mouth for now?
This was my W to a "t". Very religious upbringing, very devout, heavy on the Catholic guilt and very worried about being the "good girl" and about what others would think. Sandi2 was a bit like this too. Thing is, this can ironically feed the rebellion dynamic in women that leads to waywardism. I had front row seat to this with my W... Alot of it came out and got explored in detail in MC. Bottom line, in MY wife's case it remained a beacon, however faint, and was eventually a significant contributor to her "coming back" to the marriage. But don't for a second think that your religious "good girl" W can't become a WW and have an affair... Sometimes that background, in combo with the right factors, can be a significant factor in them falling int waywardism and affairs.
Whether or not that's something you can live with and ultimately forgive is for you to decide...but you need to make room in your reality for that possibility, despite your W's good girl background
This is the struggle. There is no gray area here. She is either 100% innocent of all the ill charges I’ve brought up, or she’s not only cheated on me, but lied to me as well. If the latter, all trust is gone and without trust, there is no foundation. No foundation? Let’s go find somewhere else to build.
Originally Posted by JR425
Sometimes I hate how logic applies. However, I can’t imagine life without it. I truly feel sorry for those that lack it because their reality is generally so far off base.
I am as logical as anyone. Computer Science/Math degree. I think very linearly, very evidence-based. Etc.
Here is the thing, logical doesn't always apply to matter of the heart. I always thought much like you discuss above. I am very untrusting by nature. People have to earn my trust. And most people, if they break that trust, never get another chance at me trusting them. But I love my W. And just as my Father above loves me and forgives me, I too extend that to those I love. There have been lots of spouses that say "if my spouse ever cheated then that would be it" and have ended up taking their spouse back after an A.
But here is the thing. By nature a cheater is also a liar. It is almost IMPOSSIBLE to cheat on your spouse without lying. "Where were you?" "Oh we had a meeting with upper-management run late, and I couldn't just leave or make a call."
SO is it any surprise that when you confront them they lie? Of course not! The lie is the smallest part of all. Someone that would violate the sacred vows of marriage to sleep with someone else isn't going to blink twice about lying about that!
Remember, lying isn't just about telling an untruth, it is also about not telling the whole truth. Or withholding the truth. Dishonesty in general. So once she cheats, she is already a liar (because she promised before God and witnesses she never would do that). Lying about it after the fact, or not lying about it after the fact, doesn't change that!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
