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Steve85, I have had thoughts of me not deserving my wife. She is a wonderful woman and always put me and the kids first. She called me self-centered in one of our arguments and I agree with her now. But you're 100% right man. I can't beat myself up over the past mistakes that I have made- that does nothing and is not productive unless I learn from them and apply what I have learned. Thank you

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kb, many of us have discussed keystone moments in our sitch. Usually it is related to the WAS/WS waking up from their fog, or starting to. But we LBSs have keystone moments too. That may have been it for you. However, you already knew it before she said it, didn't you? I mean that is why you started to discuss the M and R with her because you could tell she was pulling away and no longer "into" you. Another mistake that LBSs make is hanging onto every word that comes out of WAS/WS's mouth. It is a fool's game. BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS. Either positive or negative. Likely she doesn't even know her own truth right now, there is no way you could.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Hi kbuenob,

what a strange name! I'm sure it means something to you. My name is "Overtherainbow" but was abbreviated when I signed up. I believe that saving my marriage was possible only somewhere over the rainbow. I was sad and weak and and am still recovering from that and figuring just who and what I am. It's a long haul, and there's many obstacles ahead. Continue to focus on your journey. Detach so that you don't get wound up over everything she says, or hang on her every word. Detached men and women are attractive, thoughtful, and you can't pull their strings.

Many here have been in a similar situation, so do what you can to learn from their situations and how to best apply it to yours. Learn to validate other people's feelings before injecting your own thoughts. For example, your EA (emotional affair) is a great opportunity to validate her feelings. I had an EA of sorts when my W and I were dating. My W had an affair. We have both hurt each other in similar ways and the pain and confusion takes years to get through. Try to understand her on this. Keep your pain to yourself for now.

I see you wrote how passionate y'all used to be, that's great! A major positive IMO. So with the way she is acting now with staying out late, acting single, telling you she doesn't want you, and major attachment to the phone, I think you need to re-assess your plan of action. MWD has a saying "Do what works. If you don't know what works, don't do what doesn't work". I'd list out the things here that haven't worked and add those to your list of things not to do at this time (for example, asking about her whereabouts, asking her about divorce). Keep working on the PMA, do the GAL when you can but no peacocking! Let her see authentic changes and don't flaunt it. Pull your shoulders back, head up, and be the best you at all times.

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I told her that I'm in limbo and can't live like this.

Apparently this is not true as you have not taken any action on this. So choose your words wisely and be concise.

Also, Steve is a great poster to have in your thread, but I think that if she is questioning the relationship, considering herself a single woman, and not wearing her ring that you should quietly take yours off and GAL. Show her that you hear her, that you aren't plan B. If you think it adds pressure, that is yet another reason not to continue wearing it.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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kbuenob Offline OP
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Steve, I most certainly did know. I guess I just needed to hear it from her mouth (which was me being needy lol). So, is there ever a point where you DO start believing what she says? Consistent positive or negative conversations/actions over time? Apologies if this has already been discussed throughout the forum

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Originally Posted by kbuenob
Steve, I most certainly did know. I guess I just needed to hear it from her mouth (which was me being needy lol). So, is there ever a point where you DO start believing what she says? Consistent positive or negative conversations/actions over time? Apologies if this has already been discussed throughout the forum


No need to apologize. It has been discussed and guess what....you nailed it! Consistent behavior over a long period of time is how you will know you can trust her again.

We have a saying around here: When she wants to R you will know....we she doesn't you will be confused.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Work on being more attractive. Remember that woman are more attracted to the behavior of a man and not so much how he looks. Change your behaviors to be more attractive.

Read this thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=47467&Number=2057224#Post2057224


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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kbuenob Offline OP
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Hi ovr, Thank you for commenting. haha yes it does mean something! Perhaps it's a little too close to my actual name but I don't think I can change it now lol.

On the topic of detachment, over the past 3 days I've been able to detach and feel empowered by it. I'm much more relaxed and confident. Just a week before the keystone moment that I had (where I was REALLY able to detach), I couldn't eat or sleep. A deep depression set in, I lost 5 pounds, was running on fumes and I was really scared that I was spiraling into a hole that I couldn't get out of. Then the awakening happened. I'm able to take my W out of my focus. I don't think about what she's doing every moment. Been doing my own thing while at home after we put our son to sleep. I haven't been following my W around like a puppy waiting for affection. I don't expect anything from her, no hugs or kisses and I don't give them either. I've been A LOT more cheerful, cracking jokes and laughing like my old self. During the day, I don't text or call her. If we do text, it's mostly about our son and I just give clear, concise replies.

And then...

This morning before my wife left for work I was in the kitchen getting ready to leave as well. I was grabbing a dish and I felt her waiting behind me. Then she asked,"Hey, do you mind giving me a hug?" I said, "Yeah, come here, I'll give you a hug." Then we embraced for a good while and said our pleasantries as she left. I KNOW that doesn't sound like much, but after weeks of her not wanting to touch me, that was definitely a milestone for me.

I'm not getting my hopes up or anything, but I am seeing the power of my new found strength and confidence. I'm just going to keep doing what im doing. Focus on me and my son instead of my W.

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Thats great Steve thanks again!

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Hi Ready2Change, thank you for sharing that!

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Originally Posted by kbuenob
This morning before my wife left for work I was in the kitchen getting ready to leave as well. I was grabbing a dish and I felt her waiting behind me. Then she asked,"Hey, do you mind giving me a hug?" I said, "Yeah, come here, I'll give you a hug." Then we embraced for a good while and said our pleasantries as she left. I KNOW that doesn't sound like much, but after weeks of her not wanting to touch me, that was definitely a milestone for me.

I'm not getting my hopes up or anything, but I am seeing the power of my new found strength and confidence. I'm just going to keep doing what im doing. Focus on me and my son instead of my W.


Wow, that's inspirational!!!

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