I've taken a bit of a break for a bit but I feel enough time has past to consider my sich as piecing if not busted. It's been almost two months now and I have to say things have been consistent. There have been tempered emotions all around, consistent behavior on both our parts, time part to GAL, time together, and finally regular, satisfying sex. We've even discussed having another child, something which requires a solid foundation. We've had open conversation about how we are going to handle it, and unlike the previous two times, there is open communication and discussion on expectations.
Looking back on my year-long journey, I have to say DB was the ONLY technique that worked. Period. I tried different things, suggestions from online, suggestions from psychologists, and really, DB is what worked. I can picture the moment in my head when I forced to go against my NGS and acted on Steve85's advice. It was impactful. And when I continued to do it, it certainly changed the tone of things. The turn around was when W wanted her cake and made ridiculous suggestions about how we can live and function separated. When I kept disagreeing and making comments like "You fired me as a husband, it doesn't work like that" be began to realize that life separated wasn't going to work out as planned. She eventually APPROACHED me and offered my old job back
I continue to GAL. I've taken up learning to play the guitar and that hasn't stopped. My GAL nights out are now shared as something we both look forward too. And I continue to validate my ass off, which has bought me so much goodwill.
Some things that I've learnt along the way:
Get your s*@ together. You think you do, but until you resolve all your baggage, it's just going to get in the way. A good psychologist is a must.
Get real, professional, certified support. And by that, I mean a properly trained psychologist, or for couples, a properly trained couples psychologist. Counsellors, helplines, and faith-based services just get in the way and can even make things worse. I can't tell you how many years we wasted following the cheap route. If we only went to a psychologist sepcfically trained in couples, I suspect things would have resolved a lot sooner. Make whatever sacrifice you need to to pay for it, but it's worth it. You'll thank yourself.
NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome) is real and can be the consequence of a number of childhood issues. In my case, it was emotional neglect and the inability to deal with emotions. Learn from the board on how getting past this can help with your GAL and form part of your DB strategy.
DB works. Get the book. Listen to the experts here (Steve85, Sandi2). It's scary, and it seems counter-intuitive. But it does work. And the best thing is, you feel good no matter the outcome. I was literally prepared to be the one to move out and initiate a proper divorce. I recall thinking how awesome my life would be to move out, to GAL, to have so much time to be myself. I had a literal spring in my step as I was internally planning. It was literally at that point in time when I was going to pull the trigger, my W said we should get back together.
Validate your a** off. You probably aren't doing it, but it makes a world of difference for your partner, for you to understand your partner, and to start building a closer relationship. I never did this due to a whole range of reasons, but this is something that continually helps my partner feel valued and close. I don't have to spend energy on offering advice. It's easy and worth it.
GAL, GAL, GAL. You've probably neglected yourself, mentally and physically. Fix yourself first and the rest will follow
That's about all for now. Thank you, forum members, for truly making a difference in my life, and thank you MWD for publishing such an awesome life-changing book.
How about posting this over on Newcomers'? It would help others to read your posting.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
