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rooskers #2869489 10/24/19 11:32 PM
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Sending hugs. That is tough.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
rooskers #2869591 10/26/19 02:30 AM
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I have seen this in a lot of sitch on this board that the WW/WAW accuses the spouse of being dangerous or they fear for their safety. Why is that? I had never cussed at my XW, threatened her physically, or threatened her verbally in my entire 22 years with her. When she left she said she couldn't talk to me without a mediator for her safety. I went to drop off D13 one time for a visitation and got out of the car to let XW know something about D13 and she started screaming at the top of her lungs "don't touch me, stop hurting me, leave me alone," which even shocked D13 because I wasn't even near her. After her first affair I never cussed or showed any aggressive action against her then either. So why do I see these accusations come up time and again?


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
rooskers #2869595 10/26/19 10:50 AM
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Originally Posted by rooskers
I have seen this in a lot of sitch on this board that the WW/WAW accuses the spouse of being dangerous or they fear for their safety. Why is that? I had never cussed at my XW, threatened her physically, or threatened her verbally in my entire 22 years with her. When she left she said she couldn't talk to me without a mediator for her safety. I went to drop off D13 one time for a visitation and got out of the car to let XW know something about D13 and she started screaming at the top of her lungs "don't touch me, stop hurting me, leave me alone," which even shocked D13 because I wasn't even near her. After her first affair I never cussed or showed any aggressive action against her then either. So why do I see these accusations come up time and again?


My take on this, is that they have convinced themselves they are the victim, or at least want to make out they are...

From most things i've read, its rare for the WAW to admit the extent of what they are doing.. The affair may be the start of it ( and most deny its an affair or blame the LBS anyway as they want to avoid the truth) , but they made a choice and there are consequences.. The child issues, house sale issues, assett issues etc all stem from the choice they made to leave the marrige, but in most cases i read they are always the victim / try to justify it.. My take on this is, is that this victim mentality is just another part of the whole selfish WAW midset.

My WAW was the same.

She physically attacked me one night yet tells everybody i have verbally and mentally abused her. I had her mum threatening to get me "sorted out" and when i questioned the WAW on why her mum would think i abused her, she said it was her mums fault for making things up - NEVER her fault.

I woke up this AM to a stroppy txt from the WAW

Letter went out from my solicitor to her yesterday and her reply to the letter this morning was a txt saying she will not let me bully or dictate our child care arrengements. The reason for the letter wasnt to asking for anything different to what we agreed at seperation.. It was to tell her to stop choipping and changing when i can see my children ( ie stick to the schedule ) - But i am the bully ?

In my personal sitch i have tried the protect myself in every way against all of this.

Since OM2 popped up i have recorded every single conversation we have ever had on an old iphone in my pocket. However, you need to be careful with this as different countries have different laws. I was advised that the police would allow it as evidance, but it wouldnt be admissable in a child custody case and a judge would not like the fact conversations were recorded for child custody purposes.

However, before i found this site it was a mentality saver as my WAW would gas light me daily and i started to think i was going crazy. Once i realised that every other recording contradicted the previous one, i realised i wasnt a nut job and it was her not me. I can also prove now if i ever need to i never once raised my voice to her.

I have rules in place with my WAW where we txt, dont speak and i try and avoid any conversation with her. I still carry the old iphone with me though and record child exchanges, as i know that she will accuse me of anything.

Your sitch seems worse than mine and if i were you, i would definetly carry something to record conversations when you meet the WAW. You are fortunate that your Daughter is in your corner, but the last thing you want is the nutty WAW getting you put inside for saying you attacked her etc ( and this stuff does happen ! )

Protect yourself as much as you are protecting your daughter ! - She may have been your wife for years, but she would bury you alive given half the chance.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
rooskers #2869610 10/26/19 05:49 PM
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MrBrside thanks for the reply. I don't worry about it anymore this was more toward the beginning stages of XW leaving. I have taken as many precautions as I can. It was because of this behavior I ceased all contact, except through email, and have never been in her presence again. She is required by the divorce decree to pick up D13 on her visitations and drop her off so I never have to go to XW's place again. Through email I let her know she can pick up D13 at school where there are security camera's and lots of witnesses. During drop off D13 has requested it be at the mailboxes which means she does not come near the house. The day she screamed "stop hurting me" and all that other garbage was the day I ceased all interaction with her except as it relates to D13 and only through email or lawyer. Once I did this all the accusations stopped but the new ones started.

The second attack was saying how she didn't understand any of the legal papers for the divorce. She didn't realize what any of it meant and wouldn't have signed it it she had known. Didn't work because I have an email from her talking about all the details of what she didn't agree with and what she did and thanking me for being willing to make the changes she requested. My lawyer also made her sign a document declaring he was not her lawyer and he had recommended she get her own representation. He also would not let her sign the papers in his office until three weeks had passed and she had time to think it over with her own representation. She wanted the divorce so bad she went to have them signed at someplace else the next week.

XW third method of attack was accusing me of not providing the proper medical/mental care for D13. She started telling the neighbor that she was worried for D13's safety. That didn't work either because D13 has a therapist and I have all records of medical, dental, orthodontics, dermatologist, and therapy appointments I have taken D13 too. XW finally stopped these attacks as well.

Her current attack method is accusing me of manipulating D13 and causing extreme distancing between them. This isn't working either because D13's work at her therapy sessions has only revealed XW interactions with D13 is what is causing the distancing and harm. Her continued interactions with D13 during her visitations continues to deteriorate any hope of a mother/daughter relationship which is devastating to me. I have tried my best by relaying through email what D13 discusses during her therapy and never insert myself in the email. Example "D13 after her therapy session said she believes that XXXXX would help her to rebuild trust with you." XXXX might be crafting or being asked before inviting guys over. This seemed to worsen things so I have stopped all communication in that regards as well. The therapist had a similar phone conversation with XW and XW agrees to these things but then does the complete opposite when D13 visits.

Any ideas what attack I should prepare myself for next?

She said she wanted a divorce so I gave it to her.
She said she wanted me to raise D13 so I am.
She said she wanted me to stay away from her so I did.
She said she wanted a clean slate, she has one.
She said she wants to help D13 but keeps harming her.
She said she wanted to be single she is.

So why in the heck does she keep doing this? Honestly she has what she asked for now GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
rooskers #2869622 10/26/19 10:30 PM
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My narcissistic father came at me in ways no one could have ever predicted but his bark was worse than his bite. Try not to worry.

rooskers #2869639 10/27/19 05:40 AM
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Originally Posted by rooskers
I have seen this in a lot of sitch on this board that the WW/WAW accuses the spouse of being dangerous or they fear for their safety. Why is that? I had never cussed at my XW, threatened her physically, or threatened her verbally in my entire 22 years with her. When she left she said she couldn't talk to me without a mediator for her safety. I went to drop off D13 one time for a visitation and got out of the car to let XW know something about D13 and she started screaming at the top of her lungs "don't touch me, stop hurting me, leave me alone," which even shocked D13 because I wasn't even near her. After her first affair I never cussed or showed any aggressive action against her then either. So why do I see these accusations come up time and again?

I’m in the same boat and I have no clue why this is common. I recall an early text exchange post-separation where my W said “Stop threatening me” when I said I’d like to nail down our parenting schedule before I moved out. (Literally, I texted “Can we please nail down our parenting schedule before I move out?”)

I like to think of my W as a rocket trying to exit the atmosphere to enter orbit. She needs fuel. Abuse allegations are fuel. But the reason for launching the rocket is resentment. Which one is easier to admit to? Resentment, or victim?

rooskers #2869673 10/28/19 05:14 AM
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Hey Roo

Sorry to hear about all these allegations. It must be tough. I haven't copped this myself, but I suspect it's something to do with their distorted minds, and I think Unchien gave a good metaphor as well. Perhaps they get some perverse pleasure from causing discomfort.

Continue letting it wash over you and taking the high road mate. You go this - always have, always will mate.

Cheers, DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
rooskers #2869677 10/28/19 09:29 AM
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Rooskers,

I saw an advert for a you tube video yesterday on the concept of DARVO.

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, Offender.

It fits into my sitch perfectly, but i also thought of you when i watched it.

I think this concept fits in well with a lot of WAW and what the LBS go through..

What i find most interesting is the play on victim vs the supposed attacker / offender.

I know links are not allowed on the forum, but assume i can advise on what to search for on youtube ?

DARVO: Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender

its 22.53 long.

There is a lot of insight into the WAW lies etc.

About 2/3 way though she discusses how the WAW as the victim will still continually try to contact and make accusations against the supposed offender. Yet if they were the victim of these supposed horrible incidents, they would be running for the hills, not still trying to make contact.

In your case, my case and many others, the WAW has made a string of accusations, yet still wants a piece of our life, yet we are the ones who want to move on / be left alone..

After i watched this vid, i had a quick scroll though my phone. 100% of the contact to myself is started by my ex.. 100% ! - a lot of it pointless, a lot of it random attacks or statments which i just ignore.

I think this very much applies to your sitch as well..

IMO, it shows who the true VICTIMS are in these sitchs...

Unfortunetly, they are good at telling anybody and everybody a different story.

I don't think there is a lot you can do other than protect yourself, carry on being an amazing father to your daughter and enjoy life...


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
rooskers #2869679 10/28/19 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by rooskers
I have seen this in a lot of sitch on this board that the WW/WAW accuses the spouse of being dangerous or they fear for their safety. Why is that? I had never cussed at my XW, threatened her physically, or threatened her verbally in my entire 22 years with her. When she left she said she couldn't talk to me without a mediator for her safety. I went to drop off D13 one time for a visitation and got out of the car to let XW know something about D13 and she started screaming at the top of her lungs "don't touch me, stop hurting me, leave me alone," which even shocked D13 because I wasn't even near her. After her first affair I never cussed or showed any aggressive action against her then either. So why do I see these accusations come up time and again?


Well clearly it's not due to any actions on your part. I think MrBrside hit on some good points as to what may be motivating her, it's mainly attention and control. She shows a lot of narcissistic tendencies and a narcissist wants attention- it doesn't matter whether it's positive or negative as long as it's focused on them. You've detached and moved on but she still wants and needs the attention so this is her twisted way of getting it. So what do you do, you go "grey rock":

Quote
The grey rock method is a technique that removes the fascination and entertainment from a narcissist's life. The grey rock method is a practice where an individual becomes emotionally non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock


Google "grey rock method" and you'll see a lot of info on it. It is the best way to respond to narcissistic attacks. If you take her fuel away she will get bored and look elsewhere for someone to focus attention on.

I'm very sorry you're going through this, it's bad enough going through a breakup without all the personal attacks! You're doing great though, especially with your D.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
DS9 #2869750 10/28/19 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted by DS9
Hey Roo
Perhaps they get some perverse pleasure from causing discomfort.

In some cases perverse pleasure.

In some (like mine), I think it is a method of control. Why does she need to control? That's her issue, not mine. But I don't think she takes much pleasure in it.

I agree with AS that grey rock sounds appropriate.

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