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AndrewP Offline OP
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What a fabulous day. Pretty girl in a shiny new car. Walking along under a bright blue sky with the fall colours all around. Good conversation about things great and small.

S lost her phone at one point and it was nice to see the calm and matter of fact way she dealt with it and after some backtracking it was found.

She did at one point make it clear that she wasn't propositioning me when she was suggesting a movie night here. I on my part talked about how much fun I have with her and how it felt pretty pressure free.

We talked about our flaws and I did mention that in my opinion that I did drink a bit more on the weekends than I should. She mentioned later that her alcohol allergy was severe enough that even smooches could set her off if I didn't make sure that I had cleansed my palette. Much easier to just not drink in those cases I would think. Win win really. No hangover and smooches. I do have no doubt on the honesty of her comment. She'd mentioned severe reactions in the past when she accidentally had a sauce that had an alcohol base.

I was a bit internally conflicted because the restaurant we went to was one that B and I had been to. I only mentioned that I had been there before and knew they had a lot of gluten free options.. Amusingly she ordered the same lunch B had and very much relished it. One nice thing about no alcoholic drinks was that the bill was substantially lower and regardless we both really enjoyed ourselves.

We ran into one of her friends and I was introduced. S is good with going to the charity dinner in a few weeks. It will be good to be out with a charming companion.

She seems surprised that I am making an effort to ensure that her various issues are taken into account including my asking if the seat in the car was causing her bad back issues. It just seems decent that if you invite someone out that you are considerate.

Well. Time to finish the dishes. I just felt like doing an update after a fabulous day.


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Hello Andrew

Congrats on the new car.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
Win win really. No hangover and smooches.

That sounds like a perfect solution. smile

Your post has a certain spring in its step. An affect from such a fabulous day.

DnJ


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Happy Wednesday!

It was bright and sunny a short while ago but has clouded over. Should still be a nice working from home day. A fairly quiet work day but there's some things I want to get taken care of around the house. The halloween candy needs to be bagged, I'd like to get the old car out on the side of the road with a for sale sign on her and I have a left-over butternut squash that needs to be turned in to soup. That is if I can find time. That and still put in 8 or 9 hours in of actual work.

I may be getting together with S later in the day for a bit. We don't know just yet. She has an audition for a community theatre role early this evening and we might go out after that for a visit and snack.

I've been dealing with a lot of internal stress lately that seems persistent. It's related to personal and work issues that I can't do too much about and it will undoubtedly fade in time. It's costs me some sleep as well which is very precious time to lose. It's not that I'm re-hashing things, just not sleeping through the night.

I was out for wings and beer with one of my best friends last night and as usual he was pushing me that I should be dating around and seeing what's out there instead of waiting to see where if it goes anywhere with S. His wife had had some recent severe health problems which along with a new grand-baby and closing down his cottage has prevented us from being able to get together for a while. He was joking that now that things are calmed down enough he may finally have time to work again. He's retired but drives a school bus part time which he really enjoys.

I find him a bit pushy - which he has always been - but I know he means well. I find it amusing sometimes how many people around me, especially women seem to have the attitude that I'm not someone who should be allowed out unsupervised.

Personally I don't think I have the "bandwidth" to handle dating more than one person at the same time and I like to think that one of the things that my personality has is the ability to give a person my complete and undivided focus.

When I got home last night I got a message from S asking about my day and saying that she had had a crappy one. It seems that she is having conflicts with her landlord who she feels wants her and her crew to move out so that the place can be re-rented for double and ex-H#2 who is wanting to take her to court to have child support modified.

My first reaction was "oh no - it's started".

There was something I read, I think here quite, some time ago that was more or less "If a woman wants you to fix something she will ask you. Otherwise she just wants you to listen." I tried to find it, but couldn't.

So - I listened. Validated. Assured her that I felt that she was capable of dealing with whatever was in front of her. When she asked about lawyers, I suggested that her ex-H was mistaken when he said that legal aid wasn't available to her and gave her the name of my ex-wife's lawyer who is quite competent and tough. I did laugh because her landlord is threatening her that she "knows people" and if I did counter (which I didn't) my own connections are the bosses of her's.

It's no joke though. What she's going through is tough and will be tough for some time. I am capable of being a rescuing hero but I don't want that to be the basis of our friendship / relationship. This is tough stuff to go through for me. Even simple stuff like storing out of season things for her, I'm not offering even though that's something that I would do (and have done) for other friends. And on her part she's not asked for "anything". Nor even hinted other than that she covets my old cast iron bath-tub.

S and I are getting more attached to each other. The conversations are also becoming more flirty. The only future talk / conversations are all short term and about different local places or events it might be fun to explore or things to do together. When we were out we had a conversation about why she's not divorced. She brought it up because I'd mentioned it was a red flag / issue with 2 other women that I'd dated. She's mainly not divorced to be able to keep her two youngest on her STBX's health plan. She'd been planning on filing in a few months regardless. Or so she says but I have no reason to doubt her. She was "very" interested when I said that it had come up during my own divorce that I couldn't take my ex off my benefits if there were existing conditions that she was using the benefits for. She has as good of a relationship with this guy as could be considered reasonable. He still pesters her and is quite needy and clingy and I've seen social media posts where he laments his stupidity in letting her get away. And this is essentially 4 or 5 years out so I imagine that he'd continue to be cooperative.

Well - seizing the day. What things I'll see ....


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Oh my, you are such the rescuer.
Good job for not jumping in and offering to take her and her brood in. You DO know that would be a disaster, right? Living with other people's children is hard, and I don't get the feeling you are wired for it. She may very well be looking for someone to do that, and if so, you are not the droid she is looking for.

AS for this:
Quote
He still pesters her and is quite needy and clingy and I've seen social media posts where he laments his stupidity in letting her get away. And this is essentially 4 or 5 years out so I imagine that he'd continue to be cooperative.
No, it's not 4-5 years out, they were attempting a reconciliation very recently.

And this: she's broke but auditioning for amateur theater? Sounds like a great hobby but if she doesn't have time to work a part-time job to bring her income up, how does she have time to do amateur theater? Shouldn't she be working instead, especially since she may have to move and that costs money?

I know you are enjoying your time with her but she sounds like a damsel in distress (who has been one her entire life) looking for another white knight to rescue her. Taking on a serious relationship with her would mean taking on her problems, her kids, and she doesn't sound like a woman who is just looking for some casual relationship while she's busy with her own life. She sounds like someone looking for a rescuer, not someone working on standing on her own two feet.

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AndrewP Offline OP
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Thanks kml. You are right on the ball as to what I'm trying to figure out.

I do know as a certainty that she can't currently manufacture the time for a regular job and hasn't been able to for some time mainly due to kid issues and related appointments which can take her away unexpectedly and at short notice. Melt-downs at school are now uncommon but were a real problem for a while I know. She's done a variety of entrepreneur things but then been blind-sided by either health or kid issues or both.

The local theatre isn't a huge commitment. Generally in the evenings for a couple of hours I would imagine as they work up the play and then a run of a few weeks with one or two performances per week seems to be normal for this company.

My cynical side thinks that she could be looking for a rescuer. History doesn't support that she has looked for that in the past. She has a huge amount of legitimate pride in how she's managed for most of her life as a single mom. The reality? Who knows? Perhaps not even her.

She does talk with some trepidation on how her life will change in a year or so when her second oldest ages out of support and presumably moves out on his own which just leaves S12.

Personally, I don't actually have an issue with someone who only does a part time gig or even is a stay at home. There are multiple ways that people can be a contributing partner that have nothing to do with cash. I have a comfortable life and if I can ever persuade S25 to move out, have the cash flow and then some. I live modestly and have no plans to change that.

I do know that she is a hard worker and takes a lot of pride in being able to do things on her own. She's had all 5 of her kids in a 2 bedroom apartment before and managed so if she does lose her place - which is highly unlikely and can't happen quickly - she'll figure things out especially since she's really down to just the 2 boys. For money and such, there are good social supports that I contribute to through my taxes. She is very much a pragmatist I have learned.

Even though I'm doing a very poor job of it, I "am" trying to use both my head and my heart here. My concerns are honesty and sustainability. While it's a necessary part of the whole dating and putting yourself out there thing, I don't want to be hurt again. But I'm not so afraid of that that I'm not willing to take a risk. Yes - I could "do better" no doubt but I'm a big believer in being grateful for what is placed in front of me and not looking enviously at greener grass. That is perhaps one of the reasons why I was generally content for all those years I was married.

And there is also the fact that even though we've know each other for years through common social circles, we don't really "know" each other. Seeing past a possible "best foot forward" mask that people wear when dating isn't easy either.

-----------

On an unrelated note, I popped in at lunch to the hardware store where B works / worked to pick up a gizmo for my new car which I'll need for tomorrow's commute. A certain amount of relief that she wasn't there even though it would have been her usual schedule to be there. I had been planning on getting in and out and while I would have in many ways been happy to see her and know that she's doing ok - it's best that I didn't.

Oh and as an aside, B had suggested that she move in on date #3 - so we're way past that now laugh

Butternut squash soup was prepped and is bubbling away. I may have used an excess of garlic.


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The local theatre isn't a huge commitment. Generally in the evenings for a couple of hours I would imagine as they work up the play and then a run of a few weeks with one or two performances per week seems to be normal for this company.


Oh my - you haven't ever done theater have you? It's generally several hours several nights a week in the run up to a play. Hence my point, that she could be earning money with that time. A 15 hour a week evening retail job would be doable if the play is doable.

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Andrew,

I have to agree w/kml. Theater work takes alot of time and energy several, if not more, nights a week and then there's the weekend activities involved w/theater too. I know she probably looks at this as a nice getaway, but if they are "hurting" for funds, she may need to consider some additional time in the retail arena.

Maybe I'm crazy, but it appears that B and S both have come up with having some issues w/funds, as well as living arrangements, not long after you've gotten involved w/them. I hope that S isn't looking to you as her white knight coming to her rescue in the near future.

Take things slowly, enjoy each other's company and go from there.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Do her kids go to school?

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So, I really had to sit with your recent post a bit before I answered because I didn’t want to come across as negative. I think you’re a decent guy, a good catch, so I don’t want to seem as though I’m trying to be rude.

You are clearly a rescuer. That’s not a bad thing. I think men who are rescuers do tend to ignore or miss some red flags but it is what it is. You say you don’t think S is looking for a rescuer and history doesn’t support that but I can assure you she is looking to be rescued. Her words may portray her as a strong, take care of herself kind of woman but her actions don’t support that. You mention her being a hard worker and say she has a huge amount of pride in how she’s been a single mom and raised her kids. The flip side of that is that she’s still married because she can’t afford divorce and she lives off support payments from, presumably, more than one source. And then you mentioned something about her staying married so H can keep kids on his insurance, but unless Canada is very different than here, divorce shouldn’t affect whether he can carry the kids on insurance. Now, lest anyone think I’m judging S, I want to say that I don’t know her whole situation anymore than anyone else here does and I’m not judging but drawing inferences based on what you post. I’m sure she’s a lovely woman or she wouldn’t have attracted your attention to begin with.

You referenced something you’d read about if a woman wants you to fix something, she’ll ask and if she doesn’t ask, she just wants you to listen. I agree with that to an extent, but I also think that women who lead damsel in distress type lifestyles (which S clearly does whether you see it or not) are very good at asking for help without actually asking for help. I think you even recognize it because you said when she mentioned trouble with the landlord, you thought “here we go”. She’s also already mentioned her concerns about her financial situation when the older kid ages out of the support window. Maybe I’m cynical but all of those things, to me, are huge red flags waving because it seems like she’s testing the waters. She starts small and then starts pressing a little more (falling behind on bills or having some large expense come up that she can’t quite swing) and that’s how she gets you. I’ve seen it happen time and time again to very intelligent and otherwise world-savvy guys. Just watch out and be careful.

Oh and I agree with everyone who chimed in before me about the theater thing. My XH was very active in community theater and he spent countless hours at the theater each week and even weekends, so I’m not sure how accurate a few hours a week really is. We lived in a very small town so it wasn’t like it was some big theater, but he easily spent 4 or 5 hours a night there.

Keep your eyes wide open and go slow.


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Dawn - re: the kids and insurance, I don’t believe those kids were her ex’s kids, but from a previous relationship(s)?

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