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A Message from Michele
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My Story 3 #2869247
10/23/19 12:53 AM
10/23/19 12:53 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 279
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phnix Offline OP
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phnix  Offline OP
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Thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2865252&page=11
Well it was a big day for her and what is going on with her job. They called everyone in a meeting and announced the AP would not be returning and that someone else is taking his spot.
My W is pissed because she was in the meeting and feels she was blind sided. The Head boss said that if anyone had any information they could come talk to her. Head boss claimed the job morale was bad and a change needed to take place.
I’ve communicated some with my wife because I feel bad for her. I know I shouldn’t but I do have a heart.

She is worried her position may be next. I just need to stay out of the way and let this unfold. I’ve started back coaching so my hours are early to getting home late. Thanks god I will be super busy from now until the end of May. I pretty much work Drs hours as a coach so I will be busy.

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2869382
10/24/19 02:15 PM
10/24/19 02:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 279
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phnix Offline OP
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phnix  Offline OP
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Posts: 279
Can you guys give me some advice for protecting my child in all of this crap that is going on? He is currently at the school and knows what is going on. He is now asking questions and demanding to know if his mom is involved with the Principal. He asked her point blank last night with me standing near by while in the kitchen.

They sent home a letter with every child and he read the letter. It stated that due to the circumstances that can't be discussed there was being a job change.

I'm now concerned about protecting my child in all of this. She has told him that I was never around and I never did anything with the family etc... Almost to make him feel sorry for her. I need advice on protecting my child and doing what is best for him. I haven't told him anything about the truth and I told him that his mom is going through a tough situation right now.

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2869384
10/24/19 02:28 PM
10/24/19 02:28 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,151
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LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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B,

Wow your W is sure is a peace of work. I would suggest you speak with a therapist on the best way to handle the discussion. Until then be there for your son and validate has feelings.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2869389
10/24/19 02:55 PM
10/24/19 02:55 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 124
F
fade Offline
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fade  Offline
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Posts: 124
You are right to be concerned about your son. Based on your actions, you seem to be still most concerned about your WW. I think you should work on redirecting that concern to your son because this situation is really, really bad for him and he has no recourse or protection right now.

One thing you do have is some leverage over the school district. Your son is basically in a hostile environment due to the actions of their employees. You should be able to get them to accommodate requests to change schools or whatever else because they know you/your son could legitimately sue them if they refuse to address this hostile environment. Are you at the same school too? You could both move schools, but my concern is that news like this will follow him/you around to nearby schools, especially with you guys involved in sports which helps spread rumors between schools. I would suggest you seriously look at moving to a different school district ASAP.



And here is something I personally believe very, very strongly is the absolute most important thing you can do for your son - you should tell your son the unvarnished truth about what is actually happening. Knowledge is power and right now he has no power over his own life. Most likely he is in the dark and putting together things from rumors. And like the stereotype BH who is the last to know, all of his peers and teachers talking about this behind his back only further isolates and humiliates him.

Lots of people say that its the lying more than the infidelity that kills a marriage. Well, I'm not a child psychologist in any way but from my experience it is also lying parents that is most damaging to kids. And you purposely withholding this information from him is not protecting him, it is lying by omission and commission. You are taking away any bit of control and self-protection he could have, and instead you are inexplicably providing that protection and control to WW and OM. I believe that kids, especially older kids and teens need at least one parent/authority figure they know they can trust because kids have limited control over their own lives, they need the security of knowing that someone with this control is looking out for them. He knows he cant trust his mom right now - that's something lots of kids can deal with and get over just fine because they still have another parent they can trust. But if you are trying to snow him over too, then there is no one he can trust and the world is a much scarier place.

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2869390
10/24/19 02:56 PM
10/24/19 02:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,079
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline
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BB,

You can't stop your WW from lying to y'all son. She's going to be looking for sympathy where ever she can get it. Even if it's your son.

But you have to not lie to him, because that would really hurt him. He's not dumb and now he knows what's going on. Do you think his current school is a healthy place for him at the moment?

I would get him line to start speaking with a certified person. He has feelings in all this as well and will need to get them out.

Don't lie to him or try to push aside his feelings and be there for him. He will most likely start attaching himself too you. Make as much time for him as possible. And listen and validate his feelings.

Joejoe


M:36 W:35
T:9 M:8
S15, S11, S8, S3
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2869391
10/24/19 02:59 PM
10/24/19 02:59 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,997
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neffer Offline
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Completely agree with LH. Get some pro advice about how to have that talk. You need to protect your S and you need to speak with some truths...

Stay strong there BB.


WW H(me): 49
W: 45
T: 25 M: 20
S: 15
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2869394
10/24/19 03:19 PM
10/24/19 03:19 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,215
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Missouruh
I would avoid the therapist, but I am not hating on LH or Neffer here. I'm leery of therapists.

But I agree with the others, that it has reached the point where you just tell him. Don't badmouth your W like she did you. Kids pick up on this. My dad badmouthed my mom several times during and after their divorce, my mom never did. Now her hands weren't perfectly clean but she did this part right.

99% of the sitches we see have an OM/OW. I'm sure my parents' divorce involved one. So I'd say to your boy that it's nothing out of the ordinary as far as divorce goes, but it hurts like hell. Give him a big ole hug and tell him how y'all are getting through this as a family (that doesn't seem to include your W currently) and are going to focus on doing the right thing every day.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2869397
10/24/19 03:36 PM
10/24/19 03:36 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 1,061
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hoosjim Offline
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Add my name to the chorus of "He needs to know the unvarnished truth." This is not always the case in these situation, IMO, and sometimes discretion is called for, but here, he pretty much knows or strongly suspects the worst of it. You don't want him to end up resenting you, too, because you kept things from him or failed to take steps to protect him from any kind of taunting or bullying at school because of the situation. The way you go about handling it is delicate, though. Don't necessarily want it to come out as a vindictive you "diming your wife out" and trashing her to him. Still, HE has asked. He needs to know truth, particularly if he asks YOU. You CANT lie to him. Not saying he needs to know all the grim and dirty details (when, where, specific acts, etc), but he needs to know the situation.

ALSO, VERY IMPORTANT-- since he knows and will likely know more, you need to show him what a strong, confident man and father looks like, here. Don't be bullied by your wife, and don't take any of her crap. Doesnt mean you have to be a jerk, just... strong. This is an opportunity, even as your son is suffering, for you to provide a great example for him that will help him down the line in his own life and relationships, and could very well protect your relationship with him from succumbing to a rift that might be hard to bridge down the road. Best to address the situation NOW, and do so decisively and confidently. Not sure i know the exact words to use, here, although i think Sandi2 has addressed it from time to time, and there is some discussion of it on my threads which i don't have time to go dig out right now. My sitch was somewhat similar to yours in that sports teams were involved-- my sons played HS football with OM's son, and both of us were part-time volunteer coaches for team. So I myself had to contemplate this prospect myself, in some depth, but, thankfully, it never came to me having to tell anything to my sons as the matter never became public and my wife broke off the affair before it became as involved as the one your W is in. And, obviously, i ended up reconciling so "all is good" I am pretty sure that one of my boys suspected what was up, but W ended affair and we turned it around before boys had a chance to find out. I confronted OM and called him out on it and warned him off, in semi-public but not publicly, and told my boys at some point later, after OM had spoken to one of them, that he was "no longer a friend of this family" and when asked why: "Details don't concern you" (And at that point, they didnt) "Sometimes people you think are your friends aren't really your friends... trust is important to me and he turned out to be someone i couldn't trust. In that regard, I felt i had protected myself and my relationship with the boys, and set a good example if somehow later it did come out. As to the prospect of telling them about the actual affair, i was repeatedly cautioned by others not to do so "as a weapon" or for the sole purpose of "getting back at" my wife, which i thought was good advice, but, at the same time, received alot of advice not to lie to them. It never came about so can't say for certain what i would have done and said, but i did tell W on more than one occasion: "I am not going to lie to our sons", and i was serious about that.

Good luck, God bless... This is a bad situation with no painless path forward-- sending up prayers that it turns out for the best for you.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2869432
10/24/19 05:39 PM
10/24/19 05:39 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,812
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AnotherStander Offline
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BB, I am with Fade and Jim on this, be honest and truthful with your son. I am not saying throw your W under the bus, but I am saying to have a heart-to-heart with him and explain what happened. When I was a kid my parents were having trouble and I didn't know it until my dad pulled me aside and told me. He did not blame my mom for anything, he simply told me the facts. He said he didn't understand what was happening with her but that she was being very cold and distant. She had started coming home and going into the bedroom and closing the door and not interacting with any of us. He said he got a call from an apartment complex wanting to confirm the lease, he said he could only assume she was planning on moving out but he didn't know when or why. That had to be one of the hardest conversations he's ever had with me, maybe the hardest. He didn't get emotional, he didn't blame, he didn't accept guilt, he simply shared what he knew with me and treated me like I was mature enough to understand.

Do the same for your son, he will appreciate you more than ever.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2869433
10/24/19 05:43 PM
10/24/19 05:43 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,812
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AnotherStander Offline
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Also I have a question:

Originally Posted by bballer1
They called everyone in a meeting and announced the AP would not be returning and that someone else is taking his spot.


Assistant principal? I think OM is the principal, correct? So this person that isn't "returning" was someone else? Is there some correlation to that person being dismissed and your W's affair? Trying to understand how everything ties together.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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