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BenB Offline OP
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Thanks AS, but I don´t agree about the rescuing. That´s not my intention with what I wrote. In my opinion, that would have been me trying to help her find a permanent residency or something like that. I think what I asked for is a bit more complicated than her having to suffer a little. But never mind, it was an imaginary scenario that most likely won´t happen in the dramatic way I pictured it. She´s no fool so I´m sure she´ll have a better plan than waiting until the last minute to contact me for help.

Yeah of course. No way would I want her in this apartment for that reason. Without even thinking of it probably, she revealed her intentions. When she wrote "maybe just 15 minutes" it was obvious this was just to sooth her anxiety. She didn´t ask to come over to talk for example. She just wanted to see the pug and play family for a moment to help quiet her mind. Maybe even a temp check to see if I was willing to have her over when she needs it and feels down-

The last week or so I´ve felt great being home alone again. I´m so happy I don´t have kids with her. Not seeing her makes it MUCH easier to move on.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 102
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I agree with Jac. Ben, you've got to quit rescuing her. She's 34 years old!!! She fired you as husband, she has relieved you of your responsibilities to her. Just leave her to figure out her issues. If she has to suffer a little because of her choices then so be it.

Also I think you did the right thing in refusing to let her come by for a cake-eating visit.


Originally Posted by BenB
Journal -

There has been no communication since the last message from W. As we are getting close to the end of the year, I realize that the apartment I´ve sorted for her is not for that much longer. So I have a question to the vets here -

Just to remind everyone of my sitch - I have a prenup which means W gets nothing once we are divorced. However, I can´t protect the apartment with a prenup due to local laws. They will give it to whoever needs it the most. Since I make a lot more money than her, they would say that I can afford to buy a new one instead of keeping this. So I wrote a separate agreement before we got married stating that if she doesn´t claim this apartment, I will give her approx 15.000 USD cash.

The day she moved out I told her I would wire her the money in a few days to which she said she doesn´t want them yet, she is worried she might spend them(wise decision, I believe she would have spent them too). So I only wired her a small amount so she can buy basic things for the new apartment. As for the apartment itself, it costs me about the same, around 15.000 USD which wasn´t in the agreement that I would pay but I did it anyway just to get rid of her. She has it until February 29. Last week she messaged me and asked if she could get another small amount from the divorce money I owe her to which I said yes, but I need her to legally change her address with the tax office. Once she has done that, she can no longer claim the apartment I live in now. She questioned it at first, asking if she shouldn´t wait until end of February but I told her I can´t wire any more money until she has done that. A day later I got confirmation that she has changed her address.

This means she can no longer claim the apartment or demand to move back in. However, I know it´s IMPOSSIBLE to find a rental apartment in our city. She doesn´t have the money to buy one either. So I have a feeling she will be reaching out when it´s getting closer. What would the recommendation be? I don´t know what she will do. She has two friends she knows well enough but they live with their boyfriends so she can´t move in there. Her only option is to find a guy to move in with and that is not something she would want. Not in such short time.

Obviously I can´t have her move back in here but if it comes to the point where she has absolutely nowhere else to go, I´m not sure I can be cold enough to let her end up on the street. What would you do?


It sounds like you deliberately tricked her to get her to change her address. I doubt you informed her of all the consequences of changing her address.

(spare me the 2X4s folks, I know you will say it's not his responsibility to inform her of the consequences)

Congrats. You get what you want. But I don't know if your courts would see it differently.

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BenB Offline OP
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What a strange comment. This is how our exchange was after I told her I need her to change address -

Sent October 16, 2020

W: why do I have to change address now?

Me: Because that is why I´m paying you this money. In the agreement I wrote that you will get that money if you don´t claim the apartment. By changing your address with the tax office you are giving up your right to do so.

W: Is that allowed? Should we not wait until after these 5 months are up?

Me: It´s actually not allowed what you are doing now. You are required by law to change your address with the tax office if you don´t live here anymore.

W: Ah okey, I´ll do that now then


Thank you, yes I got what I wanted. And I have absolutely no regrets. My courts will most certainly not have any issues with how I handled this. Even if she wasn´t informed of the consequences there wouldn´t have been any problems for me. Things work different here. It is her responsibility to find out what her rights are here. But that said, as you can see, she was well informed before agreeing to change her address.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 102
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Originally Posted by BenB
What a strange comment. This is how our exchange was after I told her I need her to change address -

Sent October 16, 2020

W: why do I have to change address now?

Me: Because that is why I´m paying you this money. In the agreement I wrote that you will get that money if you don´t claim the apartment. By changing your address with the tax office you are giving up your right to do so.

W: Is that allowed? Should we not wait until after these 5 months are up?

Me: It´s actually not allowed what you are doing now. You are required by law to change your address with the tax office if you don´t live here anymore.

W: Ah okey, I´ll do that now then


Thank you, yes I got what I wanted. And I have absolutely no regrets. My courts will most certainly not have any issues with how I handled this. Even if she wasn´t informed of the consequences there wouldn´t have been any problems for me. Things work different here. It is her responsibility to find out what her rights are here. But that said, as you can see, she was well informed before agreeing to change her address.



if you say so.

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BenB Offline OP
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If you are seriously questioning my honesty here, don´t bother posting on my thread again. What reason would I have to not tell the truth? Do you just read posts here assuming the worst in people? If you have been reading my threads from the beginning I have been clear about this. We drafted an agreement stating that she gets that amount provided that she doesn´t claim the apartment. She has asked for money several times, not just these two times. It´s gotten to the point where I had to say something.

Since I don´t have time writing every single detail, I wrote a shorter version. What I wrote in the previous post is copy paste from my messenger conversation with her.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 102
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My apologies if it came off that way.

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BenB Offline OP
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Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you meant that but sorry for jumping to that conclusion.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 102
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Originally Posted by BenB
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you meant that but sorry for jumping to that conclusion.


No I was a bit harsh in my response. I didn't mean it like that, but it came out bad. I just wanted to make sure you were protected from all angles. again, my apologies.

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Originally Posted by BenB
Thanks AS, but I don´t agree about the rescuing. That´s not my intention with what I wrote.


I may have misunderstood then, were you asking about the timing on giving her the rest of the 15k? I thought you were thinking about trying to find a place for her, or extend the arrangement on where she's staying now.

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She´s no fool so I´m sure she´ll have a better plan than waiting until the last minute to contact me for help.


Well hopefully she is smarter than that but that's the exact scenario that landed my girlfriend in my house for a few months! Waited until the last possible second to renew her lease only to discover she couldn't, and then couldn't find another place right away. This was a few years ago, she's a bit wiser now!

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When she wrote "maybe just 15 minutes" it was obvious this was just to sooth her anxiety. She didn´t ask to come over to talk for example. She just wanted to see the pug and play family for a moment to help quiet her mind.


Hard to say, I mean she could genuinely miss you, that's usually what happens when you minimize contact like you've done. I wouldn't be surprised if she starts pinging you more. But it's still going to take a good, long while before she really hits bottom.

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Not seeing her makes it MUCH easier to move on.


I don't wish separation on anyone, but I know that it helped me a lot as well. It was very painful at first but once I started getting used to being alone and found things to do to fill the time I actually started enjoying it.

Did you have your photo shoot yet?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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BenB Offline OP
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Thanks AS,

In hindsight, it was silly of me to ask that question. I´ve sometimes been in situations where I need to answer something fast and I´ve thought to myself I wish I could discuss with you guys first. So I was trying to think of scenarios like that. And I thought of the worst possible scenario which would be I get a call from her, crying and saying she has nowhere to go on that day and what I would do in that case. Since she has no friends or family living here who can help, I don´t know if I could have just hung up the phone on her and tell her to deal with it, even if she fired me as husband.

But a scenario like that won´t happen. She wouldn´t wait until Feb 29 to tell me that, she knows of the chances that I would say no and wouldn´t risk being homeless. So most likely, if she´ll ask, she would ask in December or beginning of January and then I don´t have a problem telling her that this is her problem since she still has time to ask someone else for help. So I´m sure she´ll find some solution.

I would never extend the rental period for this one, it´s terribly expensive to rent this apartment for her and the only reason I did that in the first place was to get rid of her. After she brought another man to our home, I didn´t want her here anymore and her staying with me wasn´t helping either of us.

I have been 100% dark so yeah, I think she must miss me a little bit at least. And the pug. And for a long time after she moved out, she would text me about random things constantly. Seems like she was trying to make up reasons to be in touch. At one point when she asked for a restaurant recommendation I told her to stop writing to me unless it´s important. Interesting to think about what makes a person in her state of mind hit rock bottom. She has nothing from her old life left.

Yes, I did have the photo shoot on Monday but I messed it up in the preparations a bit. I was drinking 2-3 gallons of water and then on Sunday, the day before the shoot I could only drink 5dl(2 cups) of water the entire day. I do that to get the lean look for the photos. So after almost zero carbs the entire week I was supposed to carb load on Sunday but I misunderstood the instructions. I thought they meant that you were supposed to eat 800 grams of carbs that day but when I looked closer, he meant you should eat carbs and see how you look throughout the day, if you start looking bloated you stop immediately. He just meant he eats 800 grams but the guy is twice my size. So the next day I was bloated for the photo shoot.

However, it still looked great compared to how I used to look and the photographer was much more pro than I thought. He knew all these tricks to make me look good. Asking me to blow air out the side of my mouth and sniff in. Had no idea why but when I saw the pictures they looked so cool! I went and bought almost a whole new wardrobe for the shoot and tried on different clothes. But he knew exactly what I was after. He took pictures as I was getting dressed and my muscles looked like they were popping out because of how I hold my arms when I put on a shirt for example. As I was there, I noticed he had pictures of several famous Scandinavian actors so I realized he is the real deal. Taking pics of action stars certainly had given him the experience to make mine look as cool as possible

Not sure what to do with the photos though. I have still only seen a few, he is editing many of them and will send them to me within a week.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
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