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#2869197 10/22/19 07:39 PM
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Hello, this is my first time posting here.

At the beginning of September my husband of eight years blindsided me by asking for a divorce. He said he’s been unhappy for a long time, and he’s wanted a divorce for a while. He said he tried communicating the issues to me, but I honestly had no clue that the marriage was bothering him. To further complicate things, my husband suffers from combat-related PTSD, and I think I mistook his communication with me as PTSD symptoms—he was very depressed before BD. So instead of taking time for myself, I was trying to give him space from the kids, etc..

As far as I can tell, the major issue is my pregnancy weight gain. We have three kids between the ages of three and six, and I gained about 100 pounds through the three pregnancies. I’ve lost about 45lbs since my youngest was born, but it’s taken three years to get there, and half of that is since BD. I always knew my weight bothered H, but he never really said anything, and I never prioritized myself. The last I heard about my weight was right after the youngest was born, and I thought I was making progress. I was also overweight when we first started dating, which makes things more confusing.

I did not take the divorce news well, and initially did the wrong things, but have completely backed off since about two weeks ago. It seems to me like H has rewritten our entire marriage in his head, and has gone as far as to say he doesn’t like how I do stuff, thinks I’m controlling, etc. He says he likes me, but doesn’t love me, and is not attracted to me.

I actually knew he wasn’t physically attracted to me—he said he was attracted to who I was as a person. But the stuff about me being controlling is baffling. He would never give me any input on anything, just said, “whatever you want,” whenever I tried to talk to him about something. In hindsight, I think he was just agreeing to agree, but perhaps resenting me for agreeing.

We did discuss marriage counseling, and he said he would go, but I got the impression he’s just agreeing like he’s done in the past, so I backed off on that. I kind of think it would be better to go if/when he’s a little more emotionally invested. (He said he would go to give me closure and thought it was a waste of time.)

H does have a (male) best fried that I felt like he was having an emotional affair with—basically reaching out to the friend to discuss marriage issues instead of talking to me, and ultimately doing a lot of stuff with the friend instead of with me. Anytime H needed to run to the store, he’d take his friend (he lives next door), movie nights, bonfires, board games, etc. I wasn’t invited, but the friend was. I would always watch the kids and they’d go next door. This only started two years ago, and got worse as time went on. I told H it felt like his friendship was affecting our marriage, but he’d always laugh at me.

As far as other women go, at this point I don’t have any reason to suspect an affair, but I do think H might be infatuated with someone, based off of a few clues I’ve picked up on. I don’t have solid evidence, but a lot of things line up. His friend had also told me that H felt guilty about being attracted to someone, but didn’t elaborate.

So anyways, about a week after BD, I moved out. H has been the stay home parent since the oldest was a baby, and I did not want to disrupt the kids lives. He was going to move if I didn’t. Since then, I’ve bought my own house about ten minutes from him. I actually got keys yesterday and am working to get stuff for it.

Because of the kids, H and I are still seeing each other all the time, and to be honest, our communication has improved immensely. It’s mostly about kid stuff, but he does occasionally open up about what he’s got going on at the house.

H is also being very kind. He even took the kids to get me a birthday cake and presents. Right now he’s helping me get moved out and is still talking about paperwork, etc. He agreed to file legal separation instead of divorce, but I’m not sure if he’s just agreeing, or if I should take that as sign he’s not 100% out the door. He still wants a divorce, as far as I can tell. He already went to get laser treatment to remove his wedding ring tattoo.

I’d like to think this is fixable, but I’m not finding many success stories related to walkaway spouses. My situation seems slightly better than others I’ve read about, with open communication and such, but I don’t think that means much. He did make a few statements to suggest MLC, but so far none of his actions seem to back that up.

Obviously I need to GAL and work on myself and not care about him... But I’d love advice or insights, if anyone has any. I have more stuff to add, but this is enough for now.


BD: 9/8/19
Seperated: 9/13/19
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Quote
It seems to me like H has rewritten our entire marriage in his head, and has gone as far as to say he doesn’t like how I do stuff, thinks I’m controlling, etc. He says he likes me, but doesn’t love me


LostRose I think all of us get this in some form or another and I am sorry you have to experience the rewriting of your marriage. One thing I have realized is that whether it is true or not, in their mind this is exactly what the marriage was to them at the time they tell you this. It hurts because while it might be their reality, it is not ours.

Quote
he wasn’t physically attracted to me—he said he was attracted to who I was as a person. at this point I don’t have any reason to suspect an affair, but I do think H might be infatuated with someone, based off of a few clues I’ve picked up on. His friend had also told me that H felt guilty about being attracted to someone, but didn’t elaborate.


I hope I am wrong but this sends up huge red flags for me and you have to be prepared. You just listed plenty of reasons to suspect there is another person. Not in all cases but in a majority here it is because another person is involved.

Quote
So anyways, about a week after BD, I moved out.


Is this something you wanted to do or was it just to please him and show him how much you want things to work out?

Quote
H has been the stay home parent since the oldest was a baby, and I did not want to disrupt the kids lives.

He doesn't want to be married, he is rewriting history, likely there is someone else involved, he talked to his friend and not you about relationship problems. Now tell me who is disrupting the kids lives. I would have suggested you didn't move from the house but since you did make sure the children know you will always be there for them. I am not sure how old they are, but the most important thing you can do is make sure they are physically, emotionally, and mentally taken care of.

Read everything you can here and listen to people who are far more experienced than I am. Just know that there are people her that want you to succeed.

Last edited by rooskers; 10/22/19 09:39 PM.

1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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Originally Posted by rooskers

Quote
So anyways, about a week after BD, I moved out.

Is this something you wanted to do or was it just to please him and show him how much you want things to work out?


H was looking to move out the day after BD, but he has little income. He was going to rent a place an hour away (the closest he could somewhat afford) that cost more than his entire monthly income—he was going to do work for the landlord to make up the difference, and planned to commute to watch the kids every day. He’s on VA disability for his PTSD and gets less than $1000/month.

Since I need him to still watch the kids, I told him I would move out rather than have him living so far away. I know he would have moved even if it made no financial sense for him to do so. I have looked into daycare options, but finding a place with openings has been impossible.


BD: 9/8/19
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Welcome.

Sorry to hear your so familiar story.

Originally Posted by LostRose
I’d like to think this is fixable
You have found a great place for support. Many here can give you insights on things you can do to improve the odds, but ultimately your H will need to have a change of heart.

Focus on things you have control of. Take a hard look at yourself. What would you like to change? Start making positive changes each day. If you find it hard making personal changes, think how hard it is to change someone else behavior. Don't try to change H. The best thing to do is change the way you interact with him. It will force him to interact with you different.

Embrace this process. It is the best worst thing that happened to me.


Let us know how we can help.


HUGS


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Originally Posted by LostRose
As far as I can tell, the major issue is my pregnancy weight gain. We have three kids between the ages of three and six, and I gained about 100 pounds through the three pregnancies. I’ve lost about 45lbs since my youngest was born, but it’s taken three years to get there, and half of that is since BD. I always knew my weight bothered H, but he never really said anything, and I never prioritized myself. The last I heard about my weight was right after the youngest was born, and I thought I was making progress. I was also overweight when we first started dating, which makes things more confusing. He wasn’t physically attracted to me—he said he was attracted to who I was as a person.

Hi Lost Rose, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're obviously not alone in facing BD nor being overweight. We're here to help. Post often to get things off your chest or ask advice.

So, you were attractive enough he married you and had three children. wink

Losing weight is great--it facilitates being active, reduces health risks, and makes dating easier. I wonder what else made "who you were as a person" when you met. Were you prioritizing yourself? Were there aspects of your life that you loved then but not now, that you wish that you could have back?

Last edited by CWarrior; 10/23/19 12:59 AM.
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by LostRose
As far as I can tell, the major issue is my pregnancy weight gain. We have three kids between the ages of three and six, and I gained about 100 pounds through the three pregnancies. I’ve lost about 45lbs since my youngest was born, but it’s taken three years to get there, and half of that is since BD. I always knew my weight bothered H, but he never really said anything, and I never prioritized myself. The last I heard about my weight was right after the youngest was born, and I thought I was making progress. I was also overweight when we first started dating, which makes things more confusing. He wasn’t physically attracted to me—he said he was attracted to who I was as a person.

Hi Lost Rose, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're obviously not alone in facing BD nor being overweight. We're here to help. Post often to get things off your chest or ask advice.

So, you were attractive enough he married you and had three children. wink

Losing weight is great--it facilitates being active, reduces health risks, and makes dating easier. I wonder what else made "who you were as a person" when you met. Were you prioritizing yourself? Were there aspects of your life that you loved then but not now, that you wish that you could have back?


I've always wanted to lose weight, but haven't prioritized it until now. I wasn't in shape at all when H and I first met. I did start going to the gym on a regular basis before we had kids, but it was never a structured workout. I'm following a plan this time, so we'll see how that goes.

Before we started dating, we were pretty much best friends and had a really strong emotional connection. After having kids, we kind of got caught up in everyday life and never took time for ourselves or our relationship. We never really had a babysitter, and the few times we did get to go out, it was very unplanned.

Since separating, I've started to see a bit of our old connection return. H was actually being playful with me when I was at the house last night, however it was so unexpected that I didn't know how to react.


BD: 9/8/19
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Originally Posted by LostRose
Originally Posted by rooskers

Quote
So anyways, about a week after BD, I moved out.

Is this something you wanted to do or was it just to please him and show him how much you want things to work out?


H was looking to move out the day after BD, but he has little income. He was going to rent a place an hour away (the closest he could somewhat afford) that cost more than his entire monthly income—he was going to do work for the landlord to make up the difference, and planned to commute to watch the kids every day. He’s on VA disability for his PTSD and gets less than $1000/month.

Since I need him to still watch the kids, I told him I would move out rather than have him living so far away. I know he would have moved even if it made no financial sense for him to do so. I have looked into daycare options, but finding a place with openings has been impossible.


I wanted to add that the main reason H was initially so eager to move out is because he believed that we were going to have a really ugly split. Per our discussion during BD, he wasn't expecting me to cooperate with this at all--I think this goes back to his belief that I am controlling. Since BD, we've written up a pretty reasonable separation agreement, and he's signed off on everything.

As a result, his resentment seems to have faded, and he is letting his guard down a bit. It's really weird. During the week following BD, he behaved so indifferently towards me that I was certain he really did not love me and that there was nothing left of our relationship to salvage. However, based on our interactions as the weeks have passed, I've grown pretty confident that he actually does have feelings for me. I still don't think he's in love with me, but he's definitely expressing fondness towards me.


BD: 9/8/19
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Hi LR,

If you have time read through this thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2820806#Post2820806


Sitch is different, but there may be some good advise that you can apply to your sitch.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Hi LR

Sorry to hear about your sitch. R2C shared a great thread - definitely worth a read.

It sounds like you are already doing a lot of the right moves. One item I like to bring up is that he has a narrative in his mind about the marriage and you and words won't change that narrative, only actions will. That you are going along with his divorce process is disrupting that narrative - his belief that you are controlling is incongruent with your action that you're not trying to stop him. So, kudos to you for making that switch!

Having said that, don't help him to leave, let him leave. He wants to get an apartment, start buying furniture? Ok. But he wants you to find the lawyer or review his mover options? That's his responsibility. He wants out, let him out, but don't help him out. I don't think that you are doing this but keep it in mind - I struggled a bit with the grey area.

Other thought: for your GAL and 180s, do things that you want to do for you - this isn't about convincing him of anything. If you love karaoke and haven't done it in forever, go out with your friends and do it. But if you are only doing it to show how much fun you can be attract him back, it will come across as manipulative and will build resentment.

Good luck! I'll keep an eye on your thread.


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
House sold Sept 25
Papers signed Nov 15
Divorce finalized Dec 12
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