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kas99 Offline OP
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I probably just did the D work for him by completing the financial disclosure form (I handle the finances) since alimony is all there is to negotiate.

I have to make decisions as if he’s filed correct? The longer I survive on child support alone the more he can prove I don’t need it.

FWIW I’m not asking for much more. I am the reason he left so guilt alone would stop me from “taking him to the cleaners”. WAH accused me of this until he saw my very reasonable but highly frugal post divorce budget.

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Journal entry

Life isn't being very kind to WAH. None of his friends are helping him move, still working 80 hours a week to pay for S, , he doesn't have appliances, is drinking, neighbors are loud, eats out a lot, he's got a lot of stuff and no where to put it, his house smells like wet dog and smoke. He wonders how I moved out so fast but unlike him I had help, lots of it. He took this week off to get moved but it's slow going and he still has to clean too.

These things used to give me hope but now I realize he's high on adrenaline which is heady stuff. I spent 12-18 months in that place when my career took off. It was a rush, the constant phone calls, everyone needing me, wanting me, the raises, the accolades, the power, etc. Loved it.

Back to work...I want to think about why this ended for me.

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kas99 Offline OP
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WAH has plans for all this to end. He's going to quit (eventually) his 2nd job once he pays everything off. I'm thinking this will take at least 4 months which pushes us to a year separated by then.

I've read that likely WAH thrives on this, that he loves it much like I did at work. I, the LBS, held him back from being all that he could be (true). That feeling of success and accomplishment feels wonderful. He hasn't had this in oh forever.

When I was in that place I got sick of it when the high of the new job wore off. What was once fun and exciting became drudgery. Working 12 hours a day made me feel important but later I just wanted to go home and watch tv.

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K,

Way too much focus on your WAH. Waste of time speculating.

Last edited by LH19; 10/22/19 08:51 PM.
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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
K,

Way too much focus on your WAH. Waste of time speculating.


I moved 2 weeks ago, it’s a setback. At 5pm today I felt this weird, can’t even describe it acceptance. I’ve felt this way before I just can’t get it to stick. In that moment I stop trying to control everything and I accept. I then make decisions based on reality not wishful thinking. I can’t afford therapy so I canceled today’s session. This one little thing signifies I’m accepting my reality. Baby steps.

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kas99 Offline OP
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I have a very understandable boss (grateful) so I took the morning off to just sit in quiet. No kids, no technology, no work, just total quiet. Stayed in my room the whole time. I napped, did some soul searching and worked on getting my head back on straight. 6 hours of nothing.

I get these divorce recovery emails and the one I got today asked the question "which part of the breakup hurts the most?" I knew the answer in 2 minutes. I no longer have anyone to take responsibility for my happiness. Ouch.

I'm getting better though because I'm no longer tempted to find another man to rescue me. I never thought I'd feel this way....ever.

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Kas, you can do this!
Originally Posted by kas99
I'm getting better though because I'm no longer tempted to find another man to rescue me. I never thought I'd feel this way....ever.

That is great-- sit in that feeling-- YOU are strong and are 100% capable of bringing happiness into your own life, for you and your kids.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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I can’t afford therapy so I canceled today’s session. This one little thing signifies I’m accepting my reality. Baby steps.


Therapy is expensive and poorly covered by insurance and if you can't afford it... you can't afford it. I've been in that boat myself and can sympathize.

That said, i wouldn't necessarily be in a hurry to abandon that type of safety blanket, particularly if you have found it helpful in the past and if you can still find some way to get that support, perhaps elsewhere(?) Do you have a friend, preferably another woman, whom you trust and with whom you are close that you could confide in and discuss some of these things? It made a huge, huge, HUGE difference in my mindset and my ability to cope and get through the rough periods (and they were very rough) and to start focusing on myself and moving forward when i reconnected with an old friend who was also going through a painful breakup very similar in genesis to my own. Just to have a friendly ear to talk to...

Don't know if you are a person of faith (or even if not if you would consider that approach-- attend a service or two, try to find a warm and inviting community and maybe a friendly face) but most churches offer some level of counseling services and they are often free or very inexpensive. This was also an avenue that was very, very helpful for me as i went about picking up the pieces, rediscovering myself, and moving forward. I had a pretty good faith-based foundation to begin with, so it was somewhat easy for me to go in that direction when the SHTF, but, even if you are not so grounded, there are a lot of congregations out there, particularly non-denominational ones, that are extremely warm, non-judgmental, and eager and welcoming to have you there even if you are not a believer. Believe it or not there are quite a few churches out there that are truly primarily interested in helping people, even if you are not interested in "joining" or "believing" (though they would obviously not mind if you did that too). I found such a place-- evangelical, well outside of my comfort zone (I have been Catholic for most of my adult life and staid protestant before that) but very open and inviting and with no pressure to join or even "be" a certain way-- during my own ordeal, and it was one of the cornerstone's of me turning things around personally. Anyway, just a thought.

As always, we're all always "here" for you on this board! Hang in there! Praying for the best for you!

Last edited by hoosjim; 10/23/19 08:12 PM.

H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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kas99 Offline OP
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That is great-- sit in that feeling-- YOU are strong and are 100% capable of bringing happiness into your own life, for you and your kids.


Haven't made it to the part where I think I can make myself happy but I can cross "men" off my list of options. lol

I get that one else can make me happy, that no one is coming to rescue me, that I am responsible for my own life, I get all this what I don't get is what exactly do I do now? I know the answer of course I just don't like it.

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Are there little tiny things you can do for yourself that you know you will enjoy? Like a favorite food, trashy novel or escapist movie? Do something silly and fun with your kids like play a board game (maybe teenagers won't think that is too cool, LOL) or make cookies or something together? You could have mini-goals of just being able to relax and get your mind off things for an hour or two-- you don't need to figure out the meaning of life today! Baby steps towards learning how to care for yourself.

And I agree with hoosjim-- being able to talk to someone is important.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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