Persistant Endurance (Part 7)

[curtis7]

Curtis, as per the past comments, this ( and previous comment to Blu ) is you looking for that magic bullet to make your wife come running back. You didn't update your situation for over a week ( and ignored a lot of advice, comments and questions etc ) then bobbed back up to reply to Blus comment about a letter that you interperated as making a partner "turn around".. Like i have stated on previous posts and when you first started referencing this "letter" and analysing previous "success stories" months ago, you are cherry picking the situations which you feel show show a positive impact on the WAW and looking for "that" success story as you want to believe "it could be you" as well.. These are so few and far between: You would be more succesful chasing rainbows, hoping to find a pot of gold at the end..... But you dont seem to grasp this.

MrB, I came here to try and save my MR. I think that’s why most LBS come here. Somewhere along the line it usually turns into saving ourselves as the MR is gone. One way I find it helpful to discover what works is to read other people’s sitches that have been through this before. Yes, it’s true, there are VERY few success stories. All I can do is give it the best I can for as long as I can. I’m not saying that I’m going to copy the success stories and attempt to recreate those scenarios in the exact same manner; however, I am going to learn and apply what I feel is appropriate for my sitch.

I didn’t update my sitch for over a week because there wasn’t much to share. I’ve gone quite dim with my WW. I’m staying busy with some activities almost everyday, S8’s baseball, D5’s soccer, my basketball and volleyball, church, etc. I’m following the advice of giving her time and space.

The contents of my letter are similar. Mine was not intended to be a threat. I mean it that I’m finished with the crap and BS. I’m not tolerating it any longer. Not sure if you’ve kept up with my sitch, but I take it you wouldn’t recommend I deliver such a letter as my WW has not really shown any chinks in her armor or movement away from the OM except during Retrouvaille weekend.

You have been making this statement since May.. We are now in October and nothing has changed.

The horse is still there, you tried RV to no avail, wife is still with the OM and you are still not even close to detaching. You have wasted months of your life where you could have been working on "you".. Even your kids are still in limbo as you insist in "existing" in this lifestyle you have allowed to WAW to impose on you.. I say allowed, as although you had no choice on the breakup, you could have set boundaries, started to rebuild your life, lost the horse, made a firm schedule for the children, taking her out of the equation except for handover of the children etc. Instead, she comes and goes and uses you.. But the only person to blame is yourself, because you allow it to happen:

And you are still banging on about letters and words..

Its been said more times than i can count, that actions make the difference, not letters.. Yet you still choose to ignore all the advice off all the experienced vets..

I can see this thread hitting part 10 and the content not changing much from the past 6.

I can’t argue with you here. Yes, I’ve started to go back and read my posts since March. I’ve said many times that I’m letting her go, I’m done, etc, then I back slide. Over the past 2 weeks, aside from the horse, I am out of the equation. As I’ve stated I'm concerned about the legal ramifications of relocating the horse. I have been following a plan that I laid out a couple threads ago. Yes, my timeline has prolonged much longer than I anticipated. However, most of us know there is no quick fix.

[curtis7]

I think the key here is giving your W a glimpse of life without you in it. That's why detaching is so important.

Yes you will feel guilty for doing it - it feels like you're saying "Fine. If that's the way you want it, then I don't care..." But then after a week or so you'll be doing your own stuff and setting your own goals.

One post on the quotes page is "You're never more attractive than when you're walking away." (ish - can't remember it exactly). You must let her realise what losing you means. But the most important thing here is...*you're ok with what happens either way*. That is very hard, but that's why the board is here for support.

DaB, that’s my goal right now. She’s losing access to me. Kids only. She’s betrayed me too many times to deserve anything more. Forgiveness is possible and trust can be restored, but she will need to do some very heavy lifting to make that happen. I will DB with time, space, and staying dim for a period of time. Then, we’ll see who takes action first. I am ok with whatever outcome at this point.

[LH19]

C,

Boy you sure are good at manipulating words and using them to allow you to pursue. You take MWDs words of "do what works" to indicate that you need to do what best for your situation. I wish I knew what you perceive as working in your situation?

Absolutely stick to your plan of no pursuit, NC and removing yourself completely out of the equation. I have a feeling you will know soon enough know where she stands.

[IHCLACS]

Curtis try looking at it this way. As much as it breaks your heart to bear witness to all this, and the person you once knew. Do you really want to aide and abetting to someone who is immorraly incorrect? That is what you should be standing for and for yourself and your kids

[MrBrside]

I came here to try and save my MR. I think that’s why most LBS come here. Somewhere along the line it usually turns into saving ourselves as the MR is gone. One way I find it helpful to discover what works is to read other people’s sitches that have been through this before. Yes, it’s true, there are VERY few success stories. All I can do is give it the best I can for as long as I can. I’m not saying that I’m going to copy the success stories and attempt to recreate those scenarios in the exact same manner; however, I am going to learn and apply what I feel is appropriate for my sitch.

I 100% agree with the first statement.. I used the word "magic bullet" in my previous post, as i think thats what most LBS want to find when they come here ( i read that term on here ).. We come here looking for a way to save our MR. And as per above, once we begin to read other posts, realise what we are going through is common, and listen to the vets who have seen this 100 times before, we realise its no longer about the MR, but us, and the kids.
So your first few lines are spot on.. Sorry to say, but the next line shows where your head is still at. When you say giving it the best that you can, for as long as you can.... Well you are doing a great job and have been for a long time... But at PERSUING... NOT detaching. You are still checking her messages and until 2 weeks ago were still applying pressure. So for 9 months you have been doing what you feel appropriate - against the advice on 100% of the people on here.

We get it. We were all there once and some people can detach quicker than others.

Over the past 2 weeks, aside from the horse, I am out of the equation. As I’ve stated I'm concerned about the legal ramifications of relocating the horse. I have been following a plan that I laid out a couple threads ago. Yes, my timeline has prolonged much longer than I anticipated. However, most of us know there is no quick fix.

Fair play on this, and i get that things are never straight forward. I ( we on the forum ) don't know your personal / legal logistics. But what i will say is i think you need to remove your rose tinted glasses and take a long hard look at this time line and the horse etc and be honest with yourself.. Is this whole thing prolonged because you are allowing it to take longer, in an effort to hopefully sway her back.. You have been discussing this since May from memory.. That seems very very prolongued.

Forgiveness is possible and trust can be restored, but she will need to do some very heavy lifting to make that happen. I will DB with time, space, and staying dim for a period of time. Then, we’ll see who takes action first. I am ok with whatever outcome at this point

Sorry Curtis, but i dont buy this for a second. My take on heavy lifting and based on your desporation to win her back is a kiss, kuddle and "i love you" - You would let her move back in tomorrow IMO.

We all come here to save our MR, but you really need to look at the statistics on this. The majority of WAWs that go on to have a MR 2.0 actually do the same thing again anyway. I have found a handfull of examples online where people made MR 2.0 work long term and the WAW stayed loyal. From the examples i have found where MR2.0 worked, the WAW usually realises very soon what they are about to lose. In your sitch, and the majority (all i found actually ) where the WAW has gone / left the marital house, its very rare they come back giving it 100%.. They may want to when they they realise the grass isnt greener, but once back, they are still not happy - Even if she does return in 2 years time, the chances are very slim that she wouldnt do the same thing again once she gets back into the same routine. Without trying to offend, your WAW has issues. It is obvious from the posts you have written and the way she acts. She needs to fix herself ( if possible ) before even considering a healthy relationship. I suspect that a lot of these issues were present long before BD as well, but i susepct you chose to ignore the flags ( i'm totally guilty of this myself )... You cant help her or control her.. The same way i cant control you... But what i will say is that once you let her go ( really let her go ) you will begin to look back on what you had differently and realise that
1) - she wasnt all that
2 ) - you ignored lots of red flags
3 ) - There is a better life out there

Once in that place and you are in a better place, ( give it 12 months min ) you will realise there are other women out there, and life moves on.. Learn from this forum, stop with the NGS and dont ignore them red flags that you ignored first time round..Learn from the mistakes the WAW is making with the kids and most importantly, dont make them same mistakes when you meet a new lady and your head goes pop and the butterflys kick in.

Always put you and the children first !

[curtis7]

Boy you sure are good at manipulating words and using them to allow you to pursue. You take MWDs words of "do what works" to indicate that you need to do what best for your situation. I wish I knew what you perceive as working in your situation?

Absolutely stick to your plan of no pursuit, NC and removing yourself completely out of the equation. I have a feeling you will know soon enough know where she stands.

LH, why do I get the feeling that you’re just waiting for my W to file so that you can say “I told you so.” It’s like you can’t wait to say “if you had only listened to our advice, maybe your sitch would have turned out differently.” On several occasions, you have told me that I’m going to regret not doing this or that. Sure, in hindsight I wish I would have kicked her out in December after discovering the first PA. I was not strong enough nor knew how these sitches typically play out back then. It [censored], I joined the board in March and my chances were extremely slim, yet I still couldn’t bring myself to let her go.

The fact is many LBS come here and are completely unprepared to handle what their life has become. Often times, we don’t have the courage or the confidence to do what is counter-intuitive. I know the vets give advice based on what they’ve seen work in the past in success stories and the LBS saving themselves. I do appreciate the advice.

Not all vets agree on the proper course of action. As such, I need to decipher and pick and choose what to implement and when. Ultimately, it’s my life and I have to live with my choices. I can’t change the past or control my WW. I do my best to move forward while standing for my MR.

[ovrrnbw]

Curtis,

you've been in a lot of pain and confusion for the last year. I've been there. You really love this woman, it shows, I can sense it. That makes it hard to let go and hard to see things clearly.

Also, I think there are plenty of success stories too, but that's just me. I won't keep a log of them as I always browse this site incognito and save nothing on the computer. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst!

I do think that you should reconsider the daily communication that you say are necessary for the children. I believe you can set a schedule and then communication only needs to be in emergency situation (AKA never). I think No Contact will be the best thing for you and your sitch. But you have to decide to set that parenting schedule and move the horse, until then, it won't matter. I think your W would freak out if you set this plan and stopped talking to her. She's not ready to lose you, but if you wait until she is ready, then it may be too late for you. NC was the best thing for my sitch, and I see similarities in ours. What do you think about this?

I know you said you'll do your best to move forward while standing - that is great. I just want you to think about concrete goals, what does this look like to you?

One thing discussed in Blu's thread is the resentment and length of time a WAS has been contemplating leaving. Your W isn't just obsessed with OM, she's also just tired of the way things were at home. It's not like her affairs aren't in the open. There's something stopping her. I know you mentioned she's stubborn and you fear she'll divorce rather than admit a mistake, but don't let this fear overtake your mind. What are you doing to become a better person? To heal? To grow? Sometimes this seems like Mrs. Curtis's thread, and I think if you're going to make a strong stand, you should switch it up!

I believe the issue with the mail where you asked for advice from the vets is a small issue. Return to sender, forward it to her address, hand it to the kids and say give this to Mom...whatever you'd like.

[LH19]

C,

The advice I’ve been giving you is about respect and your own well being. If it saves your marriage even better. I know it’s hard to implement many of these suggestions but we still need to give advice based on what we feel works best for you and your children based on past experiences and research. I guess it is just confusing to us why you come here and reject just about 90% of the advice giving to you.

You are correct that you need to live with the choices you make so you should choose the choices you make moving forward.

[Traveler]

Not all vets agree on the proper course of action. As such, I need to decipher and pick and choose what to implement and when.

Curtis, it feels like the advice you've been given has been extremely consistent on key points. Please count how many have said, "Talk to her daily" or "Send her a long message" or "Keep the horse."

Often times, we don’t have the courage or the confidence to do what is counter-intuitive.

Absolutely! What would help you be more courageous? Would that be a happier and more attractive Curtis?

[Jac12]

Curtis, it sounds as though you want to twist things around to suit your actions...just as LH said. Then you call out LH as if he wants your W to divorce you. I don't get that sense at all, he's trying to help you change your course of actions because what you've been doing has NOT been working. Not only is your W still acting the same but you are delaying your own healing, which prevents your from moving forward with your life and becoming a stronger Curtis.

Just my 2 cents.