Learn about addiction read about it Alanon is the best source available on the topic
then you will understand- you cant control the addict some addictions:include
sex, gambling, alcohol, drugs even prescriptions-, spending, working there are many more people use these behaviors to dull the pain that they cant face
we also get addicted to them and the chaos work on yourself save yourself- save your kids or they will also repeat the behavior-
let him go-
there are many and once someone becomes addicted only they will have the power to look at themselves
You asked? What do you mean IF he is with a lot of women? You think he could be lying? I did see a text from an unknown woman come over
I was only referring to your comment that he said he cant count hpw many people he is sleeping with
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Lost, this is so new for you, but it looks like you are going to have a mean one that is going to take you on a wild ride, if you don't let go. You will get to a point where your self-esteem improves and you will wonder why you ever tolerated any of this. If DB is right, the sooner you get there, the better for both of you. Read through your thread again. Pretend you are reading something your best friend wrote that she was too embarrassed to tell you. What would you advise her to do?
Thanks everyone. Boy a lot has happened. After I found out about all the women while he was living with me and his kids (on the anniversary of my mom's birthday mind you) he went out that night and did it again. I told him that if he couldn't even respect me as a human being with feelings, then he had to leave. He started sleeping in his sleeper bed of his tractor trailer.
He started sleeping at a place the next state over, then went off the grid for an entire weekend, even though he was supposed to come over to visit his kids. I thought maybe he attempted suicide again and was a mess. Monday he finally texted me "I think you're right, I need help. I'm going to seek counseling. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm so sorry for everything" I thought maybe this was the start of a turn around. Then his buddy's wife didn't like him staying at their place, so it was back to his truck. Now he's trying to withhold child support, telling me that he cheated because he has needs and I have none" He even chuckled at me. I told him he is in his truck due to his own actions, primarily due to his disrespect of his family. He has been shutting off all the bills that are in his name and blaming me for all of HIS actions!
He is taking out everything on me, because his life is horrid and won't take any accountability even though I let him move back in 3 times!!! I told him, get help and quit screwing around while you live under my roof and you can return. He said "I don't want anything to do with you!" I legitimately have done nothing but try to support this man. We have 20 years together and I mean NOTHING to him! He is now trying to hurt me. He is acting extremely narcissistic and I don't know what to do. My 40th birthday is this Saturday, the first birthday without him since I was 19. He's coming by to see our son. I don't even want this birthday, let alone to see him. I'm so lost.
The only upside is I have been growing as a person. After 16 years as a mom, I got a job at my daughter's school as a behavioral paraprofessional. It doesn't pay great, but it's a start to my future goal to be a BCBA (Autism therapy). he better I do, the more he seems to want to destroy me. I have stood for the past 4 months. I don't think I have anything left.
Yes they do tend to blame the LBS for all their problems. Remember this is all about him, and he cannot blame himself, so someone else becomes the target.
Have you talked to a lawyer?
Protecting you and your kids, as well as ensuring your financial security are very important. Speak with a L, get information, learn what you’re entitled too. This doesn’t mean you have to go through with anything, however him withholding bill payments is probably just the beginning. You best get ahead of this.
See if separation agreements are legal where you live, or is it straight to divorce. How long of a waiting period till divorce. What kind of emergency garnishing of wages can be enacted. What is the likely financial split of assets, and custody. And so on. It boils down to two things - money and kids. Find out your rights, and keep them to yourself. Do not tell H anything about this, he will use it against you.
I am sorry. This financial business is a part of this journey. And it is a needed part.
Originally Posted by lost7
The only upside is I have been growing as a person. After 16 years as a mom, I got a job at my daughter's school as a behavioral paraprofessional. It doesn't pay great, but it's a start to my future goal to be a BCBA (Autism therapy). he better I do, the more he seems to want to destroy me. I have stood for the past 4 months. I don't think I have anything left.
Congratulations on your job! And your goal of BCBA.
Growing as a person is an upside to what you’re living through. It is “the only” upside - so far! There are many more positives that will come from all this. Seriously.
“I don't think I have anything left.” - Thoughts and feelings change, and flit back and forth. Lost, you have much strength within you. Dig deep. Focus on you.
You will find another upside in all this, is realizing just how resilient and strong you really are.
You have a milestone birthday in five days. 40 years old, Happy Birthday. Enjoy it as best you can.
I turned 50, six weeks after XW left. She taunted me, about it, saying how I probably had other ideas of how was going to turn 50. At the time, my 50th was horrible. Looking back I now see it for what it was - my parents and my kids had a party for me. All around me and supporting me. Yes, it was a terrible time, and I survived it. I wear that birthday like a badge of honour. Have faith, the fog will clear and you will be better.
Breathe and be gentle with yourself.
You’ve made four months. I believe you’ve got more in you.
Focus on you.
Be strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Yes see an attorney immediately if he’s shutting off utilities. You have to protect yourself financially and file an order for temporary support.
He’s showing typical Addict behavior, a moment of clarity followed by retreat back into his addiction and shifting the blame back onto you. Don’t get sucked in.
Be kind but firm. You love him but his behavior is unacceptable , and if he won’t get treatment you can’t help him.
Then focus on securing your financial rights and going forward with your career.
So I hit my limit. I filed for divorce this past Friday. Let me back up...last Saturday was my 40th Birthday. He showed up to take our kids (I told him he needed to take both, not just one) out.The plan was to take our daughter costume shopping and our son fishing after. They pulled into the driveway and our son ran up the stairs sobbing. I asked him what was wrong. He pushed past and ran into his room. My STBX ran after him and I implored him to give him a break. He refused and I heard him say "Ok buddy we'll go fishing tomorrow." He came out and said that he was texting a female colleague and our son misinterpreted the conversation. He denied being in any relationship and left. I went to check on our son who had apparently punched his bunkbed and was crying in pain. I looked and his knuckles were turning purple. I called my ex to come back and either watch our daughter or take our son to ER for possible broken hand. He said, "I'm 10 minutes away already, sorry" I took my son to the ER alone for something my husband created. Sure enough he pushed the bone inward on the metacarpal in his hand. I then texted my STBX and he ignored me. I then called and he hit the "FU button" This is his son!!! I was so angry. Fast forward to the next day. I went to church and my son stayed at home with his older brother, As I walked out of church my 11 year old called me crying "Dad lied, he told me they're in a relationship and I'm meeting her next Saturday" I hit the roof and called him. He told me had other priorities then to take our son fishing and that he's moved on. He told me it was "only a broken finger" and not a big deal. I got very upset about his neglect of our children and this crazy woman started screaming through the phone what a horrid person I was and how much my STBX does for US!!! I lost it, this woman knows nothing and it's none of her business. I'm ashamed to admit I started to yell and he disconnected me. He later started to text what a horrible mother I am (I do everything alone and I love my kids, everyone tells me I'm a great mom!) and I'm a lousy wife. He also said I'm draining him dry by asking for child support and that I'm greedy and selfish. It's also my fault he's homeless, because you know I should let him have sex with other people while he lives under my roof when he's married to me and I love him...He said that I mentally and emotionally abused HIM by needing to know where he was after HE cheated on me and that HIS behavior is a result of MY choices. I told him that he could have no more unsupervised contact with our kids as his selfish actions were harming our kids emotionally. He said fine "No more child support until court ordered. He wanted to be Amicable? IS HE KIDDING? He has cheated, lied, broken me to the point of not wanting to live, and emotionally abused me and our children but he's being amicable? I stopped texting then and there and cried for 2 days straight. I was so hurt and humiliated that the person I loved with all my heart allowed his affair partner to treat me like this. He also had no business hiding it from me and trying to introduce our kids. I filed for divorce on Friday and I'm waiting for the paperwork so he can be served. He showed up yesterday with a police officer (Seriously?!?!) to grab his belongings from my hallway (I told him I would not be home) Apparently he was so irritated I wasn't home he went to our son's work to ask where I was. I just can't do this. What the heck happened to him? He's treating ME like a monster...
Oh and the last child support check bounced as he pulled the funds, so I'd get nothing. Apparently he's done "saving me" I work, it's for his kids!" I hope he's in trouble once we get to court! My kids and I are struggling because of him, while he wines and dines his new AP. I feel sick.
I totally understand you hitting your limit. It’s ok, you are among friends who’ve been there.
A person in crisis, who is in an affair, usually becomes a terrible parent and blames the loving spouse for everything. Well you got that here!
I don’t like divorce anymore than anyone else here. However, one does need to protect themselves and their children. You, dear lost, did the right thing.
With H pulling out funds from the child support and all the other threats and blaming - document everything.
H is deep in limerence, and is caught and just admitting it, so he may negotiate for a quick settlement. In those cases the MLCer sometimes make offers that lean in the LBS’s favour; maybe out of guilt, shame, or some still old lingering feelings of responsibility. If that happens take the offer and do not feel bad about it.
My W gave away the kids, pension, house, everything - I felt terrible about it. Just over two years later nothing has changed with her. She is a nonexistent parent who is withholding the kids trust accounts from them. I no longer feel bad about our divorce agreement.
Get as much custody as you can. Many MLCers use the children for more quick cash in the settlement. Again, take that deal.
I am sorry you are here. Protect and get financial security for you and the kids. This is a business deal, keep emotions out of your decisions, and make well thought out and reasoned choices.
Stay strong girl. You will get to the other side of this.
(((lost7)))
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Lost, I’m so sorry to read this. It is devastating. Not only are you mourning the loss of a marriage which is tragic enough, now you have to deal with his shenanigans. It’s maddening.
You know what you need to do and are taking the right steps. Protect yourself and your kids. Leave him be.
It’s going to be a struggle for a bit.... just know you can come here and vent all you need.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. It truly is awful.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
