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previous link pt 2

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Last edited by CanBird; 10/14/19 05:38 PM.

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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Short recap. H is in MLC. He BD in March. Slept on the sofa for a month, then shipped off to sea/work. We have a d3 togther. He's season job ends soon.

I'm standing for my marriage. What comes next? I haven't a clue. I haven't the slightest idea what his plans are. In the meantime act as if all is 'normal'? GAL?

I've been watching our finances; I take care of the bills anyway. Nothing recently strange. There's an entire month, approximately, that he didn't work. I'm guessing he went on vacation, based on purchases he made online. And whatever. He's doing whatever he needs to do.

So to those standing, or those that have, do you literally do nothing? I get the 'act as if & GAL' part that I play. But when I think about seeing him, after he's been gone since April, honestly, all bombs put adide, my pysical self control might/will be wanting physical contact in the worst way. We're talking six months apart. That's a long time. What tips can you share on being strong when facing your spouse?

Getting my hair done this week for me.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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When I would see my XH after BD and when he moved out

I would try to support/listen to him
no fights, no questions, no grilling
NO expectations
nothing physical
he brought water to the house frequently to drink
it was heavy
so I always thanked him
'that was his contribution for 2 years post bomb

MLC takes 2-7 years
If you H is in MLC..How old is he?

You can expect nothing

I would not push for a hug or any physical contact as they would see that as pursuit
If he pursues you, you can choose but many will share disappointment after as the MLCer continues his path anyway
and there may be safety issues being with a spouse in MLC, who has been overseas-many are unfaithful
std can be a concern
I would think twice
Now im not sure that is what you were asking?

Now in your life is best to dive into self reflection
healing
spiritual things
nature

making new friends
activites
hobbies ect


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Thanks PT. Good advice. I am busy, so no worries with the GAL part of this. That's easy, on a good day of course. More good days then bad thankfully.

I believe H is depressed/ MLC. I understood they go hand in hand. Adulting is stressful too, if you've never really done it.

Here's more info.

H is 42. Unhappy for 2 years. Our d is 3+. We struggled to conceive via IVF; with success on try six.
He changed companies (returned to former employee) before our D was born. His schedule went from 1 month on 1 month off, to 6 month on 6 months off. He's also had many promotions with both companies, taking on more responsible, being "the boss". We're both first time home owners (6 yrs now), and are landlords to a small rental on our property. He's only lived on his own once in his life, for a year, for school. Other than that, he's lived under the roof of family. When we met, he moved in with me within 2 months & I had been on my own for over 14 years at that point, with no family close by.

I really think having to be an adult scares him. But whatever his reasons, I don't question them. I will and do respect his feelings. During 1st bd, I said all the wrong things, reacted with hurt, anger, but quickly flipped to just listen. I have to do that again.

When we come together, I will act as if he's a roommate. It will be hard, but if that's what I need to do to give him space, then that's it. He is my best friend, and I will go along with his journey BUT will definitely say if I'm not ready for something or if I need time...not sure..etc.

I'm rereading parts of DB. and watching videos. I CAN DO THIS. Whatever may be may be. We are all on our own journeys.

Be good to yourself, everyday.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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Can

42 is a prime age for MLC, so he probably is

Remember MLC is usually caused by unresolved issues from his childhood
You had nothing to do with it

If you relationship was a really good one-that is hopeful

If you had many conflicts and issues dealing with him in the past, it is also wise to be aware
usually in MLC they get worse, more addicted, bad choices, more unavailable ect..


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Originally Posted by peacetoday
Can

42 is a prime age for MLC, so he probably is

Remember MLC is usually caused by unresolved issues from his childhood
You had nothing to do with it

If you relationship was a really good one-that is hopeful

If you had many conflicts and issues dealing with him in the past, it is also wise to be aware
usually in MLC they get worse, more addicted, bad choices, more unavailable ect..




H and I never had any conflicts. Granted, our communication over the past two years, prior to bd, regarding our relationship wasn't perfect. I'd call him out on things, (being really crabby mostly) he'd say sorry & try to be nicer, and he was. I shrugged it off as stress from work and we did major renos on our rental. But this grumpiness, 'male PMS', I'm not the only one who noticed his personality changed from nice guy to grump. And he was drinking more than usual. Probably coping, escaping the feelings of unhappiness. Alcohol is a depressant, so that never helps. He stopped being active. Lost his lust for fun. Again, I chalked it up as stress. *For work he's tested for drugs & has annual physicals. He's always been clear*. Normally, he's an occasional drinker, can go without.

H comes from a divorced family. Parents never married, had him & his sister young. They split. Mom gets together with her exs brother & they have 2 kids. My husband & his sister, in their early years, are brought up to believe that their uncle, their moms current guy, is actually their dad. He was lied to for years, even by all his family, and believed this, until he was 8-9yrs old, when his relationship with his real father came to life. He's only really shared this with me recently, the hurt of being lied to and how this cause him to not trust anyone & it's hard for him to communicate. 

After bd, we communicated so well, like never before. He really opened up, I listened. He cried, I cried. He listened to me, hugged me when I needed it. I'm hopeful. I told him I'm here. Do what you need to do. I stand by that. I believe you can't force things. If it's meant to be it will be. I'm standing because I love this man, he's my friend and my lover. That never faded.

Thank you for reminding me I have nothing to do with his mlc. We need to hear that.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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Hi Can

You sound firm and grounded

DB is all about what you are saying
give him time and space...you continue to grow, evolve, heal and continue your life as you are

You stand by him and watch...get more clues in time...
We dont know the final outcome
love goes a long way.

Your H has some past to heal from and this is his work if he chooses

If he does not choose to reflect and heal from his childhood..He will most likely continue to run
until he cant anymore...MLC
2-7 years and sometimes more


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
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CanBird Offline OP
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Mail for H came today. I know what it is; gov't ID. And it's got my hands nervously shaking. The devils are out. One on my shoulder wants to open it, to see the photo, where was it issued....etc. etc. Is it a clue? Will I get any answers? The other one, knows it doesn't matter. Nothing changes, except maybe I'll stop thinking about it. H never asked me to open it or tell him about it. If things were 'normal', because its gov't ID, I would let him know it arrived. But things are not normal...lol...

Why is this piece of mail affecting me this way? This reaction happen to anyone else?


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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Put that piece of mail away. Breathe and just put that away. His ID may have expired a new one had to be issued or his clearance may have changed...hence the new ID.

We all get curious when something comes in the mail for them and when know that things aren't completely right w/them or the relationship. The old saying "curiosity killed the cat"...well, snooping may bring out something that you wish you didn't know at this time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I would be curious

I still get mail in his name
I think when we have a vanisher, like we both do-
we get curious...its normal

but nothing will change, and I trust you will know everything you need to know at the exact right time

Now you continue to do the right things
and especially the healing grief work---the universe will take care of you


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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