Still married couple from Scandinavia

[BenB]

Thank you AS,

I am getting better but I know I will have ups and downs. So I´m glad I´m back at the forum now. You guys have saved my life and changed me as a person. Everyone sees it, everyone are amazed. I wish everyone would learn the things I´ve learned here and by reading some of the book recommendations I´ve been getting here as well.

[BenB]

I think everyone here should expect feelings to cycle between good and bad days. I felt depressed yesterday. Not just because I´m coming home to my apartment alone these days but also because I´m having a hard time accepting that this is the reality for so many people.

I see couples now, wondering if they will experience this. And chances are many of them will. I had no knowledge of this before it happened. No one tells you or prepares you. I thought couples can just break up and all that but not that one spouse can become cold distant while still not leaving the marriage/relationship and feeding you crumbs to keep you around as plan B. I look at my friends and wonder if they will go through this at some point.

Today I feel better though. What helps is to have something to look forward to. I know a professional photographer so on Monday, Oct 21 I will go to his studio to take some pictures of myself. This may sound vain but after all my hard work I´ve never looked this good. Not now, not in my 20s. I did my final bodpod measuring and I still have 9.2% bodyfat, my goal was 8 but that´s fine. I´m happy with this result. So for the photo shoot I´m prepping by following a routine that models do before a shoot that takes 7 days. So I start Monday. These photos will just be for me. Not to post anywhere. Just so I can look back and see that this is how I looked at my peak.

I´m saying this because having something to look forward to instantly got me in a better mood. Anyone reading this and trying to find GAL activities, it really helps to have something planned.

Have a great weekend everyone!

[AnotherStander]

I love it Ben! Well done on getting down to 9.2%, and great idea on the photo shoot!

Yes pretty much all long-term couples have gone through it, are going through it or will go through it. I honestly don't know a single exception. I've known couples that were together for 50+ years that went through terrible times. No one is immune. I think older people come from a generation that held marriage in higher esteem and tended to work harder to make things work out despite the rough times. That's why the divorce rate used to be lower. It wasn't because they had perfectly happy marriages, it was because when they went through the loss of love and associated fallout they both committed to working hard to get it back on track. Unfortunately these days marriage is not held to the same standard it used to be, so WAS's are encouraged to walk at the first sign of trouble.

[SoTorn]

Good job Ben. It gets easier. Im post divorce now and I am feeling a lot better. I still miss seeing my kids badly. But I am no longer being mistreated by my exww.

I actually got into music production recently as its its something I have always been interested in but truly mever had the time and my exww scoffed at me buying equipment. Now I bought it all and have been cranking out songs. I really enjoy it. Keeps me busy. Keeps my mind busy.

You held your ground well and are handling everything superbly.

[BenB]

Thanks AS and ST,

AS - I´ve heard though that the bodpod isn´t 100% accurate. For that you need a dexa scanner but there are none where Iive. But just looking at me in the mirror I´m certainly happy with the results. Also good to take some pics for a future Tinder profile I suppose.

ST - I´m glad to hear you are feeling better. We were so close to having kids and I´m glad we didn´t now but I still have a hard time looking at couples walking with strollers. Makes me sad to think about what could have been.

I was also in to music although very amateur. I had started learning to play the guitar but when W moved in I stopped. No one wants to hear practicing I´m now going to buy a digital piano and start trying to learn some songs I´ve wanted to know how to play. Music is definitely therapy so that´s a great idea.

Thank you so much!

[BenB]

Just got a message from STBXW -

W: Do you have X today?

(X is my pug, and he was basically ours but I´ve been paying all his expenses and the one who mostly took care of him)

Me: Yes

W: Can I please come by?

Me: No, why would you do that?

W: I just feel so down, and I miss X, and you. Maybe just 15 minutes

Me: I don´t want to be your friend. We were never friends.

W saw the message but responded 30 minutes later with -

W: I know...


I hate that I feel sorry for her. She was so cold and selfish for many months, sending me into a depression with anxiety I´ve never felt with such intensity before. She took so much and gave nothing to our relationship after BD. And I can still feel her pain of being alone in that apartment.

Anyway, taking my pug out for a walk. Today is two days before the photo shoot and the most difficult day of all since I´m I can only eat less than 30 grams of carbs the entire day. But tomorrow is carb load day so that´ll be fun.

[BenB]

Journal -

There has been no communication since the last message from W. As we are getting close to the end of the year, I realize that the apartment I´ve sorted for her is not for that much longer. So I have a question to the vets here -

Just to remind everyone of my sitch - I have a prenup which means W gets nothing once we are divorced. However, I can´t protect the apartment with a prenup due to local laws. They will give it to whoever needs it the most. Since I make a lot more money than her, they would say that I can afford to buy a new one instead of keeping this. So I wrote a separate agreement before we got married stating that if she doesn´t claim this apartment, I will give her approx 15.000 USD cash.

The day she moved out I told her I would wire her the money in a few days to which she said she doesn´t want them yet, she is worried she might spend them(wise decision, I believe she would have spent them too). So I only wired her a small amount so she can buy basic things for the new apartment. As for the apartment itself, it costs me about the same, around 15.000 USD which wasn´t in the agreement that I would pay but I did it anyway just to get rid of her. She has it until February 29. Last week she messaged me and asked if she could get another small amount from the divorce money I owe her to which I said yes, but I need her to legally change her address with the tax office. Once she has done that, she can no longer claim the apartment I live in now. She questioned it at first, asking if she shouldn´t wait until end of February but I told her I can´t wire any more money until she has done that. A day later I got confirmation that she has changed her address.

This means she can no longer claim the apartment or demand to move back in. However, I know it´s IMPOSSIBLE to find a rental apartment in our city. She doesn´t have the money to buy one either. So I have a feeling she will be reaching out when it´s getting closer. What would the recommendation be? I don´t know what she will do. She has two friends she knows well enough but they live with their boyfriends so she can´t move in there. Her only option is to find a guy to move in with and that is not something she would want. Not in such short time.

Obviously I can´t have her move back in here but if it comes to the point where she has absolutely nowhere else to go, I´m not sure I can be cold enough to let her end up on the street. What would you do?

[Jac12]

Not your problem anymore. I know it seems cold but it's the truth.

She will figure it out when she doesn't have you to fall back on...I didn't go back and read your whole situation but I think I remember her sleeping with someone else while you were away. You didn't create her issues and you can't solve them. Drop the rope completely.

[BenB]

I understand and I´m sure she will sort something somehow. But I´m also not a monster. Even if it was my worst enemy, I would still help in a crisis situation so it´s not about wanting to solve her issues or dropping the rope.

Haven´t given this much thought at all, still plenty of time left so we´ll see what happens.

[AnotherStander]

I agree with Jac. Ben, you've got to quit rescuing her. She's 34 years old!!! She fired you as husband, she has relieved you of your responsibilities to her. Just leave her to figure out her issues. If she has to suffer a little because of her choices then so be it.

Also I think you did the right thing in refusing to let her come by for a cake-eating visit.