As expected, here was the horrible condition of the kitchen: Wok and innards of rice cooker clean and drying in the dish rack. Rice cooker hasn’t been reassembled and carted back out to the garage - horrors! A single water glass on the counter (dishwasher was full of clean dishes.) A couple pepper flakes on the counter. A couple crumbs by the toaster (very few) Someone used the last paper towel on the roll (new roll sitting next to holder unopened)
How could anybody POSSIBLY cook in such a mess? HOW could he be expected to clean up every day after such a mess? THE HORROR!
Did I miss something? Are you guys living together? When did that happen?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I wish I had something helpful to add. I know that after my divorce that I learned to let a lot of things go. And in hindsight that a certain amount of the inflexibility that people saw was perhaps just my wife enabling me. Like not eating pineapple which she would go to lengths to avoid. I don't like them but eat them pretty much daily because they are good for me and are part of the inexpensive mix I buy.
It's pretty much a certainty that CMM is under a lot of stress. Like me, he probably finds comfort in predictable routine. What works for me with S25 is knowing that he will make a mess. That he has different standards than I do.
There is certainly a core of jealousy and perhaps fear that we've talked about before. He doesn't have many interests or an outside life if memory serves. Maybe if he had a routine set of volunteering or some such, something that obliged him to be at a particular time and place it would give him a wider world and make the crumbs on the counter less of a mountain.
((kml))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I agree w/all of the posters. He needs to calm down and breathe. After all, it is your house and it certainly doesn't sound like the kitchen was a mess. In fact, it sounded like it was very clean. Your son left the innards of the rice cooker in the dish rack to dry. You don't want to just wipe that down and them put it back together. It's better to air dry it.
He needs something for that OCD mess and he should be thankful and appreciative of all you do for him. I don't know how you put up with all of his drama, especially after all that you've been through the last couple of weeks.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
G- agreed! Job - I didn’t put up with it, I blew up at him about it yesterday morning. Andrew - his OCPD is so bad he just can’t let stuff go. He does need something besides doctor appointments to get him out of the house. He really can’t get a job with his oxygen tank and chemo but he could do some volunteer work - I’m going to push for that.
I think I figured out part of why this is flaring up now - he was willing to “clean up” after my elderly mom (I.e. wipe down a kitchen counter with crumbs or put a glass in the dishwasher) but now that she’s gone he sees any “mess” as irresponsible on the part of my boys (who honestly are trying really hard to keep the kitchen clean for CMM).
Last night he showed me a list of all the things he does around the house. He’d like me to make the boys do some of them. But half the things are things nobody has asked him to do! Vacuuming low-traffic rooms in between cleaning lady visits. Cleaning the downstairs guest bath (which barely gets used) between cleaning lady visits. (Cleaning ladies come every two weeks).
Weirdo dream last night. I seldom remember dreams, usually only when I wake up early in the morning and go back to sleep. I think this dream was sparked by Andrew's date, and her husband trying to reconcile with her recently.
Now - to set this up - my ex and I had reconciled after his affair, and then a few years later he left for good. By that time, he did a good enough job of making himself difficult that I didn't ever want him back. I've often said I wouldn't take him back on a silver platter and gratefully, have no feelings of missing him AT ALL. He has never shown any signs of looking back either, and has been remarried (not to an affair partner but someone he started dating 9 months after we split) for several years. I'm glad he doesn't appear to have regrets because I don't wish him pain and would never want him back.
So in the dream, someone had to cancel out of a conference at the last minute and I was called in to lecture in their place. Turned out my ex was also teaching at this conference so he and his wife (we'll call her B) were also there. I think my oldest son was also there (like he'd come with me). Oddly the lecture I was giving had to do with kites (like, kites that you fly).
Anyway - the crux of the dream was my ex very publicly declaring that he was a fool to have let me go and wanted me back. In front of his wife and attendees. I of course wanted nothing to do with him. It was very weird.
