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job Offline
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Happy Anniversary a few weeks early.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Westo Offline OP
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Thanks Job smile

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Westo, just came back from seeing fellow Welshmen, The Alarm. Mike Peters still brings it. Great show! Do you like them?


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Westo Offline OP
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Hi B!

I wasn’t a ‘fan’ so to speak, but am familiar with the band.

Days after my breast cancer diagnosis there was a program about him and his wife of about 30 years.

H has suffered from cancer for years and she was also diagnosed with breast cancer and had to undergo chemotherapy.

I think they met the same year as H and I, it was a fascinating program which H made a big point of watching. He was the one who actually told me about it.

They are a lovely couple, truly devoted to each other. I think that program really helped H with my cancer at the time. It certainly helped me, because mine wasn’t anything as serious as Mikes’ wife.

They are a very brave couple. I’ll see if I can find it on YouTube and post the link.

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that would be great. both were in great shape last night. he made a point to say they've been through some dark times, but are grateful to be on the other side and alive.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Posts: 618
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Westo Offline OP
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I can’t find it .


Last edited by job; 10/22/19 08:43 PM. Reason: Removed link to another site not related to DB
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Westo Offline OP
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A round up of my experience of my H in MLC.

I met my H in 1987. He had two sons, 3 and 9 months from a previous relationship, he was 22 years old. I had a daughter 4 from my previous marriage and I was 26 years old. We were extremely happy and had our son in 1991. We eventually married in 1999, with our son giving me away.

In March 2014 a business venture my H had worked on for three years (while also working continuous night shifts on his normal job) while a success, did not change his life and our finances in the way he thought it would.

It caused (unbeknown to me) considerable debt and we nearly lost our home. Almost instantly I witnessed the change in him. The light went out in his soul and the sparkle had left his eyes. His family and friends also noticed this change.

He was always a lovely kind man that everyone loved (especially my daughter), not a man of many words but when he did, would have us all in fits of laughter. This all changed. He became withdrawn, jovial no longer. Gone off sex (which suited me at the time......almost 30 years of the same thing!). And became a little snappy, even with our granddaughter, which was very unusual. I knew he wasn’t right but I was busy with work, home, grandkids etc and thought everything would be fine, given time.

We had drifted apart so much that by the time he left (while I was at work) almost 2 years to the day of the ‘failed’ venture, we were literally just cohabiting in the same house. He (still on night shifts) coming to bed when I got up.

He had met someone and after a couple weeks moved in with her and was adamant our marriage was over. I didn’t believe it was.

Anyway to cut a very long story short. I came across this site and decided (after pleading, crying etc, which DOES NOT WORK) I would do everything the vets and Job advised me to do, or more importantly how not to behave.

I let the man go on his journey and I proceeded to take the chance I’d been given, to go on mine. He continued to pay the mortgage and all the bills. I gave up my part time job three weeks after he left as I just couldn’t function and he took the car anyway, so I couldn’t even get there, even if I’d wanted to.

I hadn’t heard from him for nearly a year until he found out about my breast cancer. That is what finally ‘woke him up’. He told me that he still loved me the R with the OW wasn’t what I thought it was and that he felt he’d been living in a dream and one day he’d wake up and be home.

It took another year for him to move back home. I thought (or hoped) everything would settle and the old H would emerge within a few weeks.

Not so, as Job has said many times. It took 18 to 24 months to BD, it takes a similar time for them to ‘come back’.

H has been home now 15 months and it’s been a trying time. Reconciliation is not what I spent months hoping it would be. He rarely came to me for affection, just a reciprocated hug when he got home from work, nothing more. Sex was rare and not very loving, just going through the motions, I felt.

So a year ago I stopped approaching him with a hug and just got on with my day, with our little pup, that he bought me back in the spring. He’s been an absolute blessing. He’s more like our baby and sleeps with us, he’s so spoilt. He’s given me a focus and also a common interest for H and me.

A few weeks ago H was away for over a week, organising a motorsport event. It’s an annual thing that he has done for over 10 years, which he loves. Since then he’s a changed man.

He’s the man he was prior to 2014. He’s loving, affectionate and in his words “got my mojo back”. He acts like he used to, grabbing me and getting all randy. I had wanted him to be like that for so very long and honestly wondered if he ever would be like his old self ever again.

Sex was always a comical thing between us and we’ve had to get our son to have the dog in his room for us to get down to it, which is a little embarrassing. We can’t even cwtch (cuddle) without the dog going nuts.

So H came up with a plan the other day. He stuffs the dog’s toy (called a Kong) with treats and chucks it on the bedroom floor so we can get affectionate. H calls it Kong night (rolleyes) and thinks he’s hilarious putting a K on the calendar to mark these events, which are every couple of nights now.

This is exactly what he was like for the first 26 years before he went downhill in 2014. So I haven’t felt attractive or loved by him in 5 years. So.....yes it’s been very hard, his MLC. Or rather our MLC as I I’ve been through the H3ll of it too.

We have turned a corner after 15 months of him being home, just as Job has said over and over. It takes a similar time frame for them to get back to what they were. MLC really does last up to 7 years. It really is the marathon these vets here say it is.

For the newbies here just starting out, I’m so sorry you are here but please, let them go.

Be that beacon for them while they go on their journey, but make sure you go on yours and learn about yourself and what you want in life. I know I’m the exception rather than the rule here.

The majority here don’t reconcile, but that could be due to a number of things.

They don’t come back here to post if they did, the LBS moved on by the time the MLCer came out of the tunnel, and there must be a percentage here on this MLC forum who weren’t in actual MLC.....they just had enough and wanted out of the marriage.

What is advised here is invaluable whatever the outcome. Dig deep and take good care of you.

Last edited by job; 10/22/19 01:02 PM. Reason: edited a word
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I am so happy that things have finally turned the corner for you! The hard work of reconciling is not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of patience and understanding to know that the time it takes for them to enter the crisis will take just as long, if not longer, for them to come out the other side.

Congratulations! I wish you your hubby many, many years of happiness.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Westo Offline OP
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Thank you Job smile

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Westo, what a nice update and summary of your situation. There are a couple of things to your situation that I think bear pointing out for someone new to this experience. Your husband never ceased being financially responsible and he was not cruel in his treatment of you (though I'm sure the pain was very real nonetheless). I think that speaks to the foundation that still remained for you both.

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