Which we all know isn’t true. I have tons of words!
But I am kind of erasing the dad thing from my mind now. He is t talking to me, I texted about something he asked about prior to the fight and no response. I can’t even call and slightly apologize because he can’t ever listen to me. He will go off on me and quite frankly, I’m going to my friends wedding and I’ll be in FL and I want to be light-hearted.
I Do realize that I kind of have the ideal relationship with my ex that most only dream of. We switched cars for the week while I’m away and he’s doing my brakes and oil change. In exchange I have him a water dispenser and I bakes a nice apple pie I have to his wife today. He helped me carry in my daughters desk because it was way too heavy. They made it to my house first yesterday because I was running late at work. When we were married he would have flipped on me for being late and making him wait. He said “no big deal, take your time, I’ll hang out here” I walked in and he was playing with the dog. Sometimes I wish it was that way when we were married. But I’m happy we can be this way now. We help each other more now than we did when we were married. Funny how that works. But I’m happy with where our relationship is.
I’m still on the fence about this new guy. I mean, I really like him. But I don’t want to like him anymore than I do if we can’t make it work to see each other. And I kind of refuse to be the only one who needs. Opposite weekends are super tough. And his hands are beyond full with 3 kids. I don’t know. I think he’s going to have to try harder if he has the same interest, which he expresses.
But all of that will be in the back of my mind this week. It’s all about one of my bestest friends and her marriage. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy for any other individual who has gotten married.
Oh, and funny story. One of the nurses on my floor is divorced with 2 kids and dating this guy she talks about all the time and occasionally bad mouths his ex. I saw a post on FB she was tagged in so I checked out her profile. I know who her boyfriend is. He was/is married to someone I grew up with. he was married before her too and his daughter from his first marriage went to dance with D12 when she was like 5. He married this woman I grew up with and they had a boy. I only found out they were divorcing when he sent me a message on a dating site! I was like “are t you married to so and so?” He freaked and never replied. I guess he got her now.
He’s a player. And it’s a small small world .
Last edited by job; 10/21/1910:32 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Even though my trip has been a working trip so far, I’ve been enjoying just spending time with my friends. I’ve gotten to sleep in late and that’s been great. Tonight the girls are going out to a riverfront rooftop bar. We got so much done for the wedding. It’s been nice just not being at work.
Re: new guy. I told him before I left that I do like him and I am concerned about liking him more and never getting to spend time together. I was basically telling him if he can’t find that time, I don’t won’t to go on with this. He told me he understands and really wants to try to find a way to make it work. So I’m going to give him that chance.
His only “red flag” so far ( and it’s jot even a red flag) is that he is very busy and I have no clue where he would fit me in. Even though I do like him...... I definitely am keeping a certain emotional distance because I don’t want to become attached to someone where it wouldn’t work.
Time for coffee. I love my one friend dearly who is here with me and basically is running the wedding, but she is a drill sergeant and it is her way and that’s it. So I’m about to go see what my duties are for the day!!!
He told me he understands and really wants to try to find a way to make it work. So I’m going to give him that chance.
Chances are good - but sometimes there can be a fine line between giving a chance and benefit of the doubt - don't let giving him a chance become giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I told him before I left that I do like him and I am concerned about liking him more and never getting to spend time together. I was basically telling him if he can’t find that time, I don’t won’t to go on with this.
Have you seen him in person more than once? (beyond that luke warm first date?) Otherwise this is pretty much only based on text and telephone. Or is there more that has yet to be revealed? Why do I get the feeling that may be the case and the pheromones (or whatever those post sex endorphins are called) are flying?
Just enjoy your combination vacation and wedding outing. Just have fun with your life, at least until you get back. Stop thinking about him!!!!!!!! Just enjoy because you deserve it!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I have not seen him more than that one time. No sex, not even a kiss, no pheromones flying. We’ve just been getting to know each other. We think very much the same way. Talk about things we cowhide Like to do together. We both are on the same page with how we like to spend our time. That first date wasn’t like warm, but the end was. Which was why I was so baffled.
I’m not letting anything be secret with this one. I was even very honest and I told him I was looking for something that would lead to long term commitment. It didn’t scare him away. He said he was looking for the same. I feel much more comfortable being completely honest with my intentions and I’m not afraid to say I will walk away if the effort is put out there.
He just needs to show me in actions now.
I’ts been super nice sleeping until 10 and not working. Can’t wait to go out tonight. I’m being fed delicious homemade Filipino food by her parents. I’m gonna focus over here. We will deal with seeing each other when I get back.
I’m the person that struggles to give time. I work and I have my son a minimum of 80 percent of the time. Plus I live with my parents which makes it impossible to host. I think maybe men are more forgiving of time - although new guy really wants time and it’s his LL as well as mine. It makes me feel bad that I physically and logistically can’t give something I want to give.
Now despite this, the guy I’m with and my past 2 prior relationships looked past this because they liked the other qualities I brought to the table. They view it as a short term problem as long term goals are to blend families and move in together. People with kids and jobs can’t date like they did when they were younger. That’s reality. And if thats a criteria don’t date someone with kids.
That’s Because... and this is really important...
If someone has kids and a job and can still give you tons of time - that’s the real red flag.
I know that I can’t offer a lot of time because my son needs it - but I also know what I bring to the table in a relationship, and I know what a lot of my “competition” is like in the dating world. Guys that are older and experienced see that pretty quick and like I said, it hasn’t been an issue and I’m really glad for their patience. Because it really is a short term issue. Once kids can get introduced it becomes easier.
Now on the other hand...
You don’t know this guy well enough yet to know if he has qualities of someone you would one day want to blend families with. So you can still date others and be honest about it until you decide. You don’t have to or should you wait for someone you do not really know yet. So there’s no harm in talking to him and getting to know him slowly. But do the same with others too. I would not put demands on him, just get to know him and still do your own thing and see what happens
although new guy really wants time and it’s his LL as well as mine. It makes me feel bad that I physically and logistically can’t give something I want to give.
I'm really glad you brought up the whole quality time with regard to the 5 LL JuJu because this is something I've noticed for awhile now and may have previously mentioned but not in any great detail. What I'm about to say is more directed at Ginger but it very well might apply to you (and others) as well JuJu.
I'm no 5 LL expert. I first read the book 15 years ago and have followed and believed in its premise. The thing is, as I understand it, the love language is NOT time, it's QUALITY TIME. These are two very different things. The thing is, in Ginger's case I really do believe it is TIME and not quality time she is after. It may be the same for you or your new BF JuJu but I don't know. Ginger, you talk about not really caring what you guys do, just spending time together is enough - even just chilling on the couch watching Netflix.
Oddly enough, when I went to look this up, it's very interesting what I found: "Speaking the Love Language of Quality Time. Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. I don't mean sitting on the couch watching television. I mean sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, and giving each other your undivided attention"
I think this distinction is very important because I think it means something very different and comes from a different place. Quality Time is not high on my LL scale but I very much see the difference. I guess I'm not even sure how it applies to either of you, but I hope you'll both see or at least Ginger will see, that it really doesn't seem to be quality time that you are after - and if that is the case, that might still be okay. If you want quantity of time and that makes you happy, that's great but I guess personally I'd ask why. Why is it so important to have quality of time even if that time is of low quality rather than less time together but of a very high quality.. But please keep in mind, that if you really do want quality time, you both may already be getting it because it's defined by what you and your partner do while spending time together - not how often you spend time together. It is very possible to receive quality time from someone but only do it or get it once a week or even once every two weeks.
I hope you'll both consider this and try to decide, do you want to spend a lot of time together and it really doesn't matter what it is you do as long as you are together (which is I think what Ginger really wants based on what you've said) or is is more important how whatever amount of time together is spent doing - as clearly from the 5LL people themselves, quality time is not sitting on the couch with the TV 3 or 4 nights a week - it's sitting together looking at each other and giving undivided attention, even if it's only one night a week.
Or perhaps it's both - both quality time and a lot of it. That, however, as JuJu states, might not be possible when also juggling a full-time career, children, hobbies, etc. I'm really not advocating for either - just wanting to follow the 5LL honestly and as they are intended by looking at QUALITY TIME and not just TIME.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I think of course it has to be quality time. But 2 people into each other will consider mundane boring things quality time simply because they are into each other. Like my bf wants to be with me as much as he possibly can because he wants to not because it’s an obligation and I feel that way as well. I just want to share space and time with him when i can and I feel good that he’s on the same page. If he wasn’t, I would lose interest probably.
Now if I get the feeling that someone is trying to kill 2 birds with one stone -an example - gotta go visit mom so let me take girlfriend with me and satisfy the 2 of them and then go out with my buddies which is what really I want to do for me. To me that’s not quality time. Or another example - “let me take girlfriend out to a really nice dinner and maybe she will leave me alone while I get space and watch the football game “ that doesn’t quite feel like quality time to me either. It feels like someone sacrificing themselves so they can have a hot girlfriend that sleeps with them and attends weddings with them but they don’t really want connection. They want only perfect weather me. Not the real me. And they are spending that minimal quality time because they would rather do other things that they prioritize higher then me. (Very different then having to work or take care of kids)
