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Thank you, Rooskers. I hope you and D are hanging in there.

Journaling...

There isn't much new to report on my sitch. I've been NC with W for about 3 weeks now since she left with D12. It's been a roller coaster honestly. One minute I'm feeling confident that my new life will be a good one. Then I get hit with a wave of sadness and I find myself spinning trying to find ways to reconcile why this happened again and why she felt I was such a horrible partner.

Oh and I'm getting sick and tired of everything and anything reminding me of W all the time, whether that be a restaurant, store, a park, or anywhere else we used to frequent.

I'm also struggling with GAL as most of my friends are married and have kids. Trying to get them out of the house is a challenge within itself. I'm still in the gym working my ass off but doing things with other people has been tough.

Thanks for reading.

Thorn

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Stand strong there T. You control what you control: yourself.

You can“t fix her. Keep walking your road. GAL!

Keep DB
(((T)))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Originally Posted by Thornton
Thank you, Rooskers. I hope you and D are hanging in there.

Journaling...

There isn't much new to report on my sitch. I've been NC with W for about 3 weeks now since she left with D12. It's been a roller coaster honestly. One minute I'm feeling confident that my new life will be a good one. Then I get hit with a wave of sadness and I find myself spinning trying to find ways to reconcile why this happened again and why she felt I was such a horrible partner.

Oh and I'm getting sick and tired of everything and anything reminding me of W all the time, whether that be a restaurant, store, a park, or anywhere else we used to frequent.

I'm also struggling with GAL as most of my friends are married and have kids. Trying to get them out of the house is a challenge within itself. I'm still in the gym working my ass off but doing things with other people has been tough.

Thanks for reading.

Thorn


Hey Thornton -

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time. It is very frustrating when the mind wanders back to places of familiarity with W, and to top it off GAL just feels forced.

I think it's always like that - cycling around and around, up and down. I've found there is no fast or easy way to stop it, the brain constantly seeks ways to solve this problem, despite there being no viable solution. In part I find this is what makes me so tired and burnt out. It seems like you're dealing with it too.

Can't really offer much in the way of advice because I'm struggling these days (not sleeping, nightmares, incessant thinking, exhaustion and other jolly wonderful things) - but do know that you're not alone in this.

Take care of yourself, man - stay strong

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I think the ego fights the spirit to preserve what was familiar, secure, and attached to your"re identity as a spouse and you. Its hard to come to terms with, but when you realize, your roles, your talents, your emotions and even to an extent, your personality and behaviors aren't really you, but your who trying to preserve itself with memories, habits, routines. It might help a little. When you do something and go places with someone for over a decade or more, its hard not to remember and grieve. I've had to go through this 5 times in my life. The more you frequent it, the more the feelings of loss subside.

To put it this way. There are a lot of things you did and frequented before you met your spouse, there are a lot of things you did and places you went while single, and even the same from when we were children. If we remaun stuck there, we don't grow, we don't heal, we don't move on, and we don't experience. I am very guilty of dwelling in the past, as it is a bad habit I picked up from my family as all they ever talk about is how good things were, and how everything is always getting worse. They are never present. I an never present. Yet they refuse to change or take initiative to change and chronically whine about their circumstances in life. I don't want to do that anymore as I've been mentally doing it for the last 40 years.

As much as it hurt me to hear it a few months ago. XW said I was just another chapter of her life. And appalled me that I could be looked at that way. But in time of the last few months I got it. I've watched her change into a person I don't know. I've watched her make changes in her life. I've observed her family making changes in their life too. The whole time I'm watching all this the more I realize the little I have changed. I mean internally I'm learning things and mentally does far as taking actions time to put the rubber to the road. I have to change by force and I have to move on. For the first time I understand what she went through. Because I have been in limbo for the last year I have lost a sense of myself. I am forced to reevaluate a lot of things I have done, said, acted and didn't act on. What I want out of life now, who I am, etc. This is why time and space is healthy. It is our opportunity to get ourselves right. I will let everyone here know how I am doing with this once I move in a week.

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T,

So sorry to see you back here. No advice, but I do wish you the best... hang in there, man.


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Hey East!!!! Nice to see you around. How are your things going?


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Hey Thornton how is it going?

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One minute I'm feeling confident that my new life will be a good one. Then I get hit with a wave of sadness


I have the same problem and wonder when it will ever end.

Quote
Oh and I'm getting sick and tired of everything and anything reminding me of W all the time, whether that be a restaurant, store, a park, or anywhere else we used to frequent.


D13 and I have the same problem. We are going to these places and creating new memories so it doesn't hurt so bad when we have to go there. It is a very painful process but it seems to be working.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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Hey Thornton - thanks for popping in on my sit yesterday. smile

How are things going?

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Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2020 is much better than 2019 for all of us!

Journaling...

I've been around on the board lately but haven't been posting much as there isn't anything going on with my ex. In fact, we haven't spoken (or seen each other) in about 4 months.

I've recently bought a new condo and have moved in. The excitement and pre-occupation with decorating etc has been a welcome distraction for me. However, now that I'm settling in, the loneliness has been pretty hard to overcome. I find myself really missing my ex and ruminating on all our good memories. I try hard to remember all her negative qualities in an effort to detach, but I still miss her terribly. For those of you who haven't followed my sitch, I was with my ex for 9 years and she has left me 4x.

In a nutshell, I feel stuck. I know GAL is imperative to turn my mindset but I don't feel like doing much of anything. I'm doing well at work and I still hit the gym 4-5 times a week, but still struggling with depression and anxiety. I guess I thought I would be doing better by now.

I'm not really sure where to go from here...

Thorn


Last edited by job; 01/06/20 06:44 PM. Reason: Merged two threads together with less than 100 postings/replies
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Originally Posted by Thornton
I've recently bought a new condo and have moved in. The excitement and pre-occupation with decorating etc has been a welcome distraction for me.


Congrats on the new place!

Quote
However, now that I'm settling in, the loneliness has been pretty hard to overcome. I find myself really missing my ex and ruminating on all our good memories. I try hard to remember all her negative qualities in an effort to detach, but I still miss her terribly. For those of you who haven't followed my sitch, I was with my ex for 9 years and she has left me 4x.


I think that's probably to be expected, you've gone through a ton of change in a short amount of time. You lost your W, moved to a different place, now you're trying to adjust and of course you will long for your "old normal". It'll take a while until your "new normal" just becomes your "normal", but once it does I think you'll be much more content.

Quote
In a nutshell, I feel stuck. I know GAL is imperative to turn my mindset but I don't feel like doing much of anything.


Sometimes you just have to make yourself. How much time do you spend at the gym? Maybe put more time in for a while. On the weeks I didn't have my kids I would spend 1-1/2 to 2 hours there doing a mix of strength training and cardio. Then I would go home and make dinner, eat and go to bed. I didn't need to spend that much time in the gym, but it helped keep me occupied. Do you meal prep? Maybe try that if you haven't, it takes a lot of time and research. Good activity to keep you busy, and really good for you too. Eventually I added more activities so I wasn't just living in the gym. Started painting more, working on sculptures, building R/C planes, messing with my motorcycles, etc. I literally pushed my XW right out of my head with GAL.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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