Where is your MLCer 2-10 years into/or post crises

[peacetoday]

Someone posted a question on what to expect from the MLCer as we see them making progress
and hopefully getting through the crises

I thought it would be interesting to hear where your MLCer is now

I can start

No real changes in my story:

BD in 2007

D in 2009

months after D
XH M OW in 2009

leaves state and abandons his kids and family od origin

phone call from MLCer 2017 reaching out left apology
he is drunk

2017 hear xh got D and maybe back with OW

hear XH in recovery again

but no real confirmation and no contact since 2009

still believing he will find his way for closure and the kids
but I have moved on


Post your situation
It would be interesting to see how many come through and makes progress over the years

[DnJ]

An interest idea peace, I just make the two year mark.

BD 2017

W leaves me, kids, house, belongings, dogs, everything on the night of BD. In three hours she is living with OM.

Two months later we are separated. 9 months later, she jumps the gun by a month and files for divorce. Nothing is changed from her original separation arrangement. I have house, pension, no alimony payments, and full custody of kids - she just ran away.

She has basically not spoken to me since. She speaks to (not with) the children sporadically, around 20 hours a year, maybe.

Currently she is still living with OM and his S19.

Her progress. She is reaching out to the kids a bit. And one time actually said sorry (sort of) to S22 for how she left.

DnJ

[AndrewP]

Interesting question. Personally although I certainly have heard stories like DnJ's that certainly sound like some sort of mental illness, I don't really believe in the broad application of the MLC label any more. My ex certainly did hit all the markers. Childhood trauma, depression and as she's gone through her life she's even gotten the obligatory tattoos. But on the other hand she was always a rather selfish and self centred person who would never admit that she made a mistake.

It's been about 3 1/2 years since she left. Add on another year or so for her being "depressed" and hooking up with OM if you want a timeline. The divorce was filed at the end of 2017.

I know very little about what is going on in her life. As far as I know she has had OM who has now retired move in with her into her apartment. She seems to be a very angry and bitter woman according to second hand accounts. She's not made any moves to reach out to me in any way and I honestly don't expect that to change. She has a relationship with both our kids now of a sorts which I know little about. She sees S25 every month or so - she lives 5 minutes away and she and OM have driven down to see D27 a small handful of times.

Personally, I suspect that she and OM will stick it out together although undoubtedly it would be rocky. She wasn't the easiest of people to live with at the best of times. I don't see her spiraling into a worse place of poor choices but rather just living her life.

Even if she and OM do split - I can't see her making a play to come back. Nor even to try to have any sort of regular "just friends" contact.

[MarvinF]

I am not that far along but here is my stats. BD1 in Feb 2017, left home March 2017 (and pretty much moved in with OM but not constantly) since then. Started angry, basic rewriting, ILYBNILWY, then never loved you. We would see each other on and off initially every month or so, then she disappear for 3 months. Reappeared after reaching Jan 2018, touch and go, with more time spent together, reconnecting a little. Then Aug 2018 came home after we both were traveling and said we should go our separate ways out of the blue (after admitting being in "love" with OM a couple of months back and thanking me for being patient). She had been coming back from shark eyes and total disconnect, but at that time reverted all the way back to cold, calm shark eyes, but no anger.

Barely any communication since then, will avoid actually talking on phone. Only sends texts sporadically, mostly if she needs something. But once or twice sharing things that are important to her.

But no progress or talk of divorce. So basically disappeared.

Me, I am just living my life as if she is not coming back. But still have empathy for the pain she is in.

[tadpole1025]

Well, well well. This is a good one.

It has been 9 years since bomb.

Putting things simply by year:

06/10-Dr. puts her on hormones.
07/10-Joined dating site because a lot of her single friends at work were on them.
08/10-Starts EA with OM.
08/10-We celebrate 25 year anniversary.
10/10-Bomb drop. I never saw it coming.
12/10-Moved out on son's 16th birthday. Nice huh?

01/11-Says she wants a divorce.
05/11-Files for divorce.
10/11-Divorce is final.

06/12-She gets engaged.

05/13-She buys house with OM.
06/13-She marries OM.

2014-She tells sons that she doesn't understand why we can't be friends and wishes that I could just accept things and be civil.

2014 - 2019-I see her occasionally at family events. She tries to make small talk and we exchange pleasantries, but that's it. Still wants to be friends and wishes I would meet OM. (I still haven't met him. I was going to at a family get together, but he backed out at the last minute. Think he is afraid of me.)

2019-Son informs me that she sometimes talks to OM terribly and treats him bad.

2019-Son tells her that I want nothing to do with her. According to him, she is "flabbergasted and just beside herself" at this news.

She wants a "friend" relationship with me, but I can't. I just can't.

I rarely see her these days. I loved her deeply and really wish things were different, but I can't be friends with her. Friends don't do what she did.

Tad

[roist]

I'm just after passing the fifth anniversary since I realised how close I was to losing my W/M and decided to stand. Unlike the previous replies and most stories here, my W never left. There are positives and négatives in relation to that, but I suspect it would have been easier (on me) if we had split up. That being said, for whatever reason, we are both still here.

Fo me, at the start I realised how much I loved her and what I would be losing. This motivated me and still does to a certain extent. Our story is documented on this forum, so I won't rehash it here. Long story short is that despite ongoing positive signs/interactions we are still no closer to improving our R. Some of this is now on me, as I am not interested in working on it alone. So at the moment I am letting it be and focusing on other aspects of my life. Call it distraction but in essence I am buying time before I have had enough. So in the end it boils down to time and space. Plus I prefer having no interactions than poor ones!! (not a great mindset, but at this stage, it is what it is)

As for W, I see progress in general, with more interest stuff. She's a good mother and has invested a lot in our boys. Our distance I believe has created some parenting issues due to not being united, but nothing that can't be solved. Recently W has pushed to talk about parenting and probably "us". So far this has not lead anywhere, as often the timing was off due to presence of kids who tended to show up shortly after it started!!. She seems to be putting the emphasis on me to find solutions and/or to change/do more. Some of her griefs are genuine, but I am not going to jump through loops to work on things alone. And I am not interested in working towards a status quo

After five years I still don't know what she wants going forward, except me as a parent to the boys. She has mentioned how things are complicated for her, how things are difficult for her, how she is tired, how she doesn't sleep well. I know the communication techniques out there tell us to state things in the I as opposed to you, but to me it comes across as being all about her and what I am going to do about it!

All that being said, I believe W is just as frustrated and unhappy with how we are getting on at present. Based on current interactions, I imagine a R chat will occur before the end of the year. It's been about two years since we had one!

So in a nutshell to answer the question, after five years our crisis is still moving along following its course ever so slowly. The process has changed completely my Outlook on life and who I am. Soon I hope to put down the burden of standing and progress more actively towards living a fuller better life. Iam doing

[roist]

Computer bug so sent before finished. I wanted to end by stating that I am already on track to a better more fulfilling life

[123Gwen]

5 and half years after BD.

XH is living 3000 miles away and married to OW.

No contact with children yet her 2 live them.

Almost like he traded us all in. No idea if he is happy.