I almost forgot this part, this has been years ago so it isn't fresh. I started going to college and became friends with a man I met there. He would always flirt with me and I really liked it. He gave me the excitement and confidence that was very much missing in my R. He constantly made me laugh. When I left ex the first time these are the feelings that lead me there, that someone else could make me happy like he couldn't. So maybe I was always a WW.
Also, DS1's father is a really, really good guy. I didn't realize it then and only saw that he wasn't giving me what I wanted and needed out of a R. He ended up getting married to someone who, much like me but worse, walked all over him. She cheated several times, left him, came back. They finally divorced and he is now happily remarried to a wonderful woman. His NGS followed him. I don't know if it still is an issue but he found a keeper.
Again, I am no DB expert, just speaking from a woman's perspective here. I am struggling to understand why she would go back to him. I have a couple of thoughts, one being she has self-esteem difficulties and is clinging to him and two she is afraid to lose him for whatever reason and again is clinging to him. Another thought, and this sounds bad, he may still seem better than your marriage to her. She knows what her married life looks like. That's where I would DB and make your life full and different. He honestly sounds awful and I can't imagine this is going to be long lasting at all.
MMM, I appreciate your POV. In the initial posts on my sitch I mentioned that my W had become obsessed with reading romance novels a couple years before leading up to BD. Also, about 2 weeks before BD she actually verbalized that to me for the first time in that she wanted a different sexual experience. Think 50 Shades stuff.
Could it be that the APs are playing that role and she is so into it that she’ll take any form of abuse to keep it alive and get her next fix?
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
... My ex was definitely a MNG. He would say whatever to appease me but then do the opposite because that is what he really wanted to do. Which infuriated me more then if he would have just stuck up for himself, now he lied to me. He wasn't the man and I the woman, if that makes sense. I am also super insecure, I am working on this. I need a lot of words of affirmation and quality time and he didn't give me that. So it wasn't loss of interest, it was that we went right back to old ways and that didn't work. I also didn't change myself at all. Someone should have told me to be less bossy and let him feel like a man. 😁
When all this happened I had no guidance. I should have changed myself too and we both should have put in more effort to make the next go-around different. I expected that because I left HIM, I should go back and he be the perfect man for me. That's why DB makes so much sense to me now. ...
Thanks for the reply, and your explanation makes sense. Sounds like you needed there to be more of the masculine vs feminine roles / dynamics for attraction, and neither of you recognized or worked on it to make that happen.
I appreciate that you are honest enough in hindsight to acknowledge that you didn't put in the necessary effort to make the necessary changes either.
I'm starting to realize that with all the equal opportunity, etc... that a lot of women still desire a strong man to be the masculine figure in the relationship.
MMM, I appreciate your POV. In the initial posts on my sitch I mentioned that my W had become obsessed with reading romance novels a couple years before leading up to BD. Also, about 2 weeks before BD she actually verbalized that to me for the first time in that she wanted a different sexual experience. Think 50 Shades stuff.
Could it be that the APs are playing that role and she is so into it that she’ll take any form of abuse to keep it alive and get her next fix?
Yes! That could very well be it. I read where Sandi talked about romance novels being in her sitch too and it totally resignated with me. I want THAT life. I think I still do and what I am always searching for. Maybe that is part of my problem and need to stop reading and watching romance. 😂 That's amazing though that she could verbalize what she wanted sexually. That's tough to do.
I'll read your whole sitch. I never feel qualified to add anything so normally I lurk.
MMM, I appreciate your POV. In the initial posts on my sitch I mentioned that my W had become obsessed with reading romance novels a couple years before leading up to BD. Also, about 2 weeks before BD she actually verbalized that to me for the first time in that she wanted a different sexual experience. Think 50 Shades stuff.
Could it be that the APs are playing that role and she is so into it that she’ll take any form of abuse to keep it alive and get her next fix?
Yes! That could very well be it. I read where Sandi talked about romance novels being in her sitch too and it totally resignated with me. I want THAT life. I think I still do and what I am always searching for. Maybe that is part of my problem and need to stop reading and watching romance. 😂 That's amazing though that she could verbalize what she wanted sexually. That's tough to do.
I'll read your whole sitch. I never feel qualified to add anything so normally I lurk.
OMG... my WW reads those novels... I'm F'ed...
That's like watching porn, and expecting real life sex to be like that... :P
I'm starting to realize that with all the equal opportunity, etc... that a lot of women still desire a strong man to be the masculine figure in the relationship.
Yes! I want a tough guy who won't put up with my $#&t, understands my crazy, but also soft and romantic on the inside. Just like in the novels I read. Lol.
Yes! I want a tough guy who won't put up with my $#&t, understands my crazy, but also soft and romantic on the inside. Just like in the novels I read. Lol.
Just like on the flip side... I want a hot woman who's athletic, parties, freaky in bed, but also a educated, smart, caring, and good wife / mom...
Let me know when you find your unicorn, and I'll do the same :P
That's amazing though that she could verbalize what she wanted sexually. That's tough to do.
I wouldn’t say that she verbalized what she wanted, all she said was “I want to be controlled.”
This reminds me of a text I saw on her old phone from last December when she was changing devices. It was to her divorced BFF right when she was splitting with her XH around August 2018. The text from my WW read “It’s ALL about the SEX.” I brushed it off as girl talk at the time and my W jumping on with bashing of BFF’s XH.Who knows, maybe that’s what my W values most in life.
If so, it’s sad that she had to go out and find that with someone else rather than attempting to explore and try something different with me. It’s not surprising though as she justified the early affairs by convincing herself in her mind, with the help of IC and BFF, that I was the root cause of all of her unhappiness.
Now it’s very sad that I think she realizes that I wasn’t the only cause, that it was also her and she is unwillingly to walk away from what she’s found. She knows what type of life we can have together, I think she knows what it would mean to our kids, but yet she won’t recommit to find out if all her needs can be met.
W has always been a very stubborn woman. It seems she would rather be D than admit she made a mistake. I do think she is terrified of coming back because she doesn’t want to tell the ENTIRE TRUTH. What she doesn’t know is that I ALREADY KNOW. She fears that I will never forgive her or always hold it against her. I’m not sure how to counteract this, so I continue to wait. One day she may come to me ready to talk. I will listen without judging. However, I still think it will be trickle truth if that day ever comes as she is so ashamed of so many of her bad choices. If that happens, then we’ll still be stuck as I’ll know she wasn’t completely honest and so will she.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Hey C, you are wrapping yourself in your own web. Affair fog and all that environment is a really powerful drug. You are doing too much mind reading and flowing into inconsistent assumptions. Get out of that path.
Please, keep DB Curtis.
Trust yourself. Value yourself.
Set boundaries, detach and GAL.
Willingness
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
