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A Message from Michele
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Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2868862
10/19/19 06:15 PM
10/19/19 06:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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Caligirl Offline
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Caligirl  Offline
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C
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
Hope you are doing well ! Enjoy the GAL with your friends . Just checking in ... hoping your not stressing too much and keeping busy.

Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2868913
10/20/19 10:05 PM
10/20/19 10:05 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 77
M
may22 Offline OP
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may22  Offline OP
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M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 77
Hi Caligirl! Thanks for checking in. I'm doing okay-- we went out last night and had a good time, he leaves tonight for his trip. For whatever reason I'm doing better with all of this-- less anxious, it doesn't really bother me too much if I wonder if he's going to see her or not-- like whatever, he'll do what he wants to do, worrying about it isn't going to help anything and just makes me stressed out. Just trying to focus on the positive (he brought up the idea of the four of us traveling together for Christmas break for the first time, I acted interested but didn't jump at it too fast). I will also say that working out and being physically fit has had incredibly positive impact on my mindset-- can't recommend it highly enough!

Hope you're hanging in there too CG!


Me (44) H (40)
M:12 T:16
D7 and D9
DB1 ILYB: April 2019
DB2 H told me about EA: August 2019
Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2869143
10/22/19 02:51 PM
10/22/19 02:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
USA
K
KristinG Offline
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KristinG  Offline
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K
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
USA
Hey May! Keep working on those positive vibes. I'm sure at some point, this trip will be stressful for you but come back to this and read it over and over.

Originally Posted by may22
-- less anxious, it doesn't really bother me too much if I wonder if he's going to see her or not-- like whatever, he'll do what he wants to do, worrying about it isn't going to help anything and just makes me stressed out.


Hope you're having a good week.


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL while WW is having a hard time ending "friendship" with OW
Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2869225
10/22/19 09:26 PM
10/22/19 09:26 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 77
M
may22 Offline OP
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may22  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 77
Thanks so much for checking in, Kristin!! That really helps... and in fact I (somehow, surprisingly) still feel pretty chill about him being gone and in her city. He's been in decent contact since he left, texting and called a couple of times-- including once when I was at work yesterday. I didn't answer (was in a meeting) but texted to see what was up and he said "just letting you know I arrived. Nothing else-- have a good day and tell the girls I love them." Which is unusual, since (a) he'd texted already a number of times since landing and getting to his hotel, so I did know he'd arrived and (b) unusual to call just to chat with me (not when he thought he might get to talk to the kids). I didn't call him back, though I did let the girls call him when I picked them up after school.

As I type this I know it sounds like I'm putting a lot of energy/emphasis into his behavior, BUT... it is nice but not like super important to me, and I'm not trying to analyze what it might or might not mean-- just noting that it happened and is a bit different than in the past. Maybe I'll feel differently if he goes dark, but generally I do feel like I'm starting to detach a bit. (Is this what it feels like? Or do I need a 2x4 to stop pretending I'm doing oh so well?? smile )


Me (44) H (40)
M:12 T:16
D7 and D9
DB1 ILYB: April 2019
DB2 H told me about EA: August 2019
Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2869249
10/23/19 02:25 AM
10/23/19 02:25 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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Caligirl Offline
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Caligirl  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
Sounds like you are doing great. Keep detaching and putting your energy into you and the kids . Great you are less anxious not only for you but Iím sure your positive attitude will be noticed by H too .

Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2869319
10/23/19 07:51 PM
10/23/19 07:51 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 77
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may22 Offline OP
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may22  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 77
I'm hanging in there... odds are that he saw her last night as I heard very little from him and significant delays in response to a couple of texts (total temp checking on my part, not proud of it, but not too egregious). However, I was re-reading my thread and remember how borderline out of control I felt the last time this was happening and while I'm still not completely detached by any means, I'm definitely in a much better place than I was then in terms of letting him do what he needs to do and focusing on my kids and myself.

Girls and I played hooky from swim team and watched a movie cuddled on the couch. I'm back down to my high school/college weight... haven't been at this weight since I got married. Good friend came over for dinner Monday night, seeing other friends tonight.

He called this morning to talk to the girls and just missed them (I'd already dropped them off), we chatted pleasantly for a couple of minutes.

So question... I've been thinking about a goal of strengthening my R with his mom. One of our issues had been that I would get annoyed at how long they would come to visit, etc etc (partially because I was always seeing it as a competition with my own parents-- if we spend x weeks with one set of grandparents it had to be equal on the other side) and he has always felt that I was cold to his mom. The last couple of times he's taken the kids to his parents I haven't come, mostly because I have limited vacation days compared to him, but I know it comes across to him like I don't care about them. I feel like strengthening my R with her will be an important and positive step no matter what happens going forward for the kids, though I also know that a part of my motivation is because I think she'll be a real advocate for our M if it gets to the point of S and he has to tell her what has been going on. He's actually been working on his own R with my mom which has been rocky in the past (texting her kids stuff and crossword puzzle stuff)-- and he is very close with his own mom, talking to her on the phone nearly every day. So-- is it a bad thing for me to have this as a goal and work on it, knowing that a part-- though not the majority-- of the reason is linked to him, not just for me and the kids? I know she loves me and would honestly be thrilled to have a closer R with me.


Me (44) H (40)
M:12 T:16
D7 and D9
DB1 ILYB: April 2019
DB2 H told me about EA: August 2019
Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2869329
10/23/19 09:07 PM
10/23/19 09:07 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 77
M
may22 Offline OP
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may22  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 77
He just called to chat ("because he knew I'd be interested in hearing how his day went"-- it is like he needs to tell himself he needs an excuse to call me!), was nice. I didn't answer when he called but did call him back quickly. Turns out he went to a baseball game watch last night-- maybe not true but I didn't ask, he just told me all about it, lots of detail so pretty odd to make it all up. Not gonna lie, I do feel some relief, but still feeling able to be fine with whatever comes next, OR whatever has already happened.


Me (44) H (40)
M:12 T:16
D7 and D9
DB1 ILYB: April 2019
DB2 H told me about EA: August 2019
Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2869393
10/24/19 03:17 PM
10/24/19 03:17 PM
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
USA
K
KristinG Offline
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KristinG  Offline
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K
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
USA
Hey May. Good for you focusing on you and the kids and trying to make peace with whatever comes next and whatever is happening/happened. I think it would be good to build a better relationship with your MIL. Keep in mind, though, that your goal should be to build that R with nothing but a better connections for your kiddos and yourself. Subconsciously, I know you'll be thinking "I'm going to butter her up so that if H leaves and we S, she will set him straight!" Just be cautious that you are building that for you, your strength, and your kids. I made the mistake of leaning heavily on WWs family after BD (my fam is located a lot further away and they all knew what was happening). It caused them to really create a rift in my M and caused ww to grow closer to her AP.

Glad you and the H had a friendly chat last night and I hope he is feeling the distance (even if just for work).


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL while WW is having a hard time ending "friendship" with OW
Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2869475
10/24/19 09:25 PM
10/24/19 09:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
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Caligirl Offline
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Caligirl  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 75
I do not know now would be a good time to increase contact with his mom . It may come off as pursuit . Heís traveling possibly seeing AP I would say lay low with his family . No pressure . If you reconcile then I would say yes or even if you separate and keep it strictly for the kids benefit . Just a word of caution - I had a very positive relationship with H mother never a bad relationship. She even stated she would always back our marriage and not S. Well when H went there with his revision of history she went nuts on me . Telling him to get a D. Iím an awful person bla bla bla .Hasnít spoken to me in months . Never asked how I was or checked up on me . Now the tables turned once again . He ll come back from a visit and say my mom says she misses you . I donít respond . She is his mother and remember she always will be .

Good job noticing you are less anxious and not calling him frequently. We all temp check once in awhile no harm . You are getting way stronger .

Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2869486
10/24/19 11:21 PM
10/24/19 11:21 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 77
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may22 Offline OP
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may22  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 77
Thanks, K and CG. If I'm being honest I don't have the right motivations to focus on my R with his mom. They live really far away anyway so not a lot of opportunity, though they're planning a trip to stay with us in January. I'll just think about it and take opportunities to be warm when I can.

Besides their trip in January, my whole family is coming for Thanksgiving, and we have other friends staying with us for in the beginning of November... plus wondering what we are going to be doing for Christmas break... I *am* stressed about how what is going on could be affected by all of this, especially the two family visits. My H doesn't get along all that well with my mom in the best of circumstances, and I worry that 10 days of close contact will be detrimental.

Anyway, guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, and decide whether or not I should talk to my mom about what is going on to see if she can try not to antagonize him. And keep focusing on my kids and myself in the meantime.

You guys are the best. Hugs!!


Me (44) H (40)
M:12 T:16
D7 and D9
DB1 ILYB: April 2019
DB2 H told me about EA: August 2019
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