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Re: Persistant Endurance (Part 7) [Re: curtis7] #2870073
10/31/19 05:28 AM
10/31/19 05:28 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 798
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CWarrior Offline
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CWarrior  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 798

Originally Posted by Curtis
If we were D, I wouldnít be participating in family activities.


Hi Curtis, Iíve been D over 8 years, and havenít missed a Halloween with my kids yet. Spending time with them on Halloween isnít about my ex-wifeóitís all about my kids and I.


My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. I've accepted she sees us as an "us" forever, but can't see her daughter living in my community.
Re: Persistant Endurance (Part 7) [Re: curtis7] #2870089
10/31/19 11:54 AM
10/31/19 11:54 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,188
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LH19 Online
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I think you should go over and see them in their costumes and take some pictures and then leave. If you spent an entire weekend with her at Retrouvaille you can certainly be around her for 15 minutes or so.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Persistant Endurance (Part 7) [Re: curtis7] #2870091
10/31/19 11:59 AM
10/31/19 11:59 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 72
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MrBrside Offline
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C,

I do feel for you today. I'm in the same sitch and have my children wanting me to take them ( me, not her ) but as its her evening tonight, she calls the shots.

The ironic thing being that they are trick or treating on my estate, not the WAW housing estate as there are more houses on mine !.. I'll just go the gym instead.

WAW invited me to join her and her sisters and the the kids and go, but i have no intention of spending 2 minutes in the WAW company. My personal take is that it confuses the children, but each person has to make up their own mind. I also know it is my day next year on Halloween, so ill just go crazy next year smile


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Re: Persistant Endurance (Part 7) [Re: CWarrior] #2870093
10/31/19 12:34 PM
10/31/19 12:34 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,447
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by curtis7
Proper DB response?
ďOk, Iím sure the kids would like me to be there.Ē Good if you want to.
ďNot this time. Thanks for the invite.Ē Good if you don't want to.
ďNo W, thatís something a family would do together, you donít want to be a family.Ē No that's too angry/ vindictive.
ĎNo responseí No that's a bit rude considering it's an invite.


Quote
I know, detach from the outcome, go if I want, donít go if I donít want to.


Right! Your W is just being nice, by all means go if you want but don't expect that it changes anything. Just go and have fun. Do it with no pressure and maybe she'll start thinking you've changed for real.

Quote
The dilemma is my kids want me there and I enjoy watching them have fun, but frankly I donít feel like being around the lying cheater, sheís not good for me. Do whatís best for the kids or best for me? If we were D, I wouldnít be participating in family activities.


My attitude is always do what's best for the kids, even if it's not the best for you. I feel separated/ divorced parents should always show they are united when it comes to supporting the kids.

Quote
On another note D5 told me the following yesterday: ďItís not cool having two houses, mom said it would be cool, but itís not cool anymore. I donít like having my stuff at two different places.Ē


Listen and validate. Yes, even with your kids! "That sounds difficult for you, is that how you feel? I'm sorry you're struggling, but please understand that we both love you very much and are here for you."


Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi Curtis, Iíve been D over 8 years, and havenít missed a Halloween with my kids yet. Spending time with them on Halloween isnít about my ex-wifeóitís all about my kids and I.


^^THIS^^

Last edited by AnotherStander; 10/31/19 12:34 PM.

Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Persistant Endurance (Part 7) [Re: curtis7] #2870359
11/01/19 05:14 PM
11/01/19 05:14 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 272
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curtis7 Offline OP
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curtis7  Offline OP
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I texted WW yesterday morning about trick or treating with the kids. I thanked her for the invite, but decided to pass and wished them a good time. Thought about it some more during the workday and realized Iím only going to have a handful more of these opportunities with my kids and I donít want to miss out on sharing these memories with them. At the end of the workday I texted her again saying I finished work up early and wanted to join them. She called me back a minute later and told me where to meet them in a friendís community.

The trick or treating was fun. W and I made a little small talk around the loop. I was cordial and did not initiate. I stayed close to the kids and focused on them. When we returned to our friendís house, W realized she lost her car keys. We spent the next 20 minutes looking high and low until someone finally found them in her jacket pocket. This is very typical, my W loses stuff often.

I thanked the friends for hosting and was ready to head out. W said ďYour leaving?Ē in a surprising tone like she wanted me to stay longer. D5 came up to me and wanted me to play for a bit. I stayed a few minutes longer, then left to hit up the weights at the gym. W texted me ďThanksĒ just afternoon leaving. I replied ďThank you, I enjoyed that.Ē W replied ďMe too.Ē

Not going to read anything into that exchange, sheís still WW until she proves to me otherwise through consistent actions.

Looking forward to picking up my kids this afternoon for our weekend. Soccer, volleyball, baseball, church, grilling out and whatever else pops up.


Me: 40 W: 38, S: 8 D: 5
T: 19 M: 15, BD: 11/6/2018
PA confirmed & IHS: 12/3/2018
W moves out: 4/2/2019
Retrouvaille: 9/27-9/29/2019
Re: Persistant Endurance (Part 7) [Re: curtis7] #2870360
11/01/19 05:16 PM
11/01/19 05:16 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 798
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CWarrior Offline
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Hi Curtis, I'm so happy to read you had a great evening trick or treating with your kids.. and that you also have a weekend with your kids coming up. Enjoy!

Originally Posted by "Curtis"
Not going to read anything into that exchange, sheís still WW until she proves to me otherwise through consistent actions.

Definitely. Being pleasant while trick or treating with your shared kids is radically different from kicking all OM to the curb and committing to fighting for a monogamous relationship with you.

Last edited by CWarrior; 11/01/19 05:18 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. I've accepted she sees us as an "us" forever, but can't see her daughter living in my community.
Re: Persistant Endurance (Part 7) [Re: curtis7] #2870999
11/06/19 05:39 PM
11/06/19 05:39 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 272
C
curtis7 Offline OP
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curtis7  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 272
1 year post BD. This has been the most painful year of my life, but I made it, I survived. I am a better and stronger person. It has been an emotional roller coaster, but it gets easier every day. I have learned how to become more self aware and understand the impact of my words and actions. I have experienced the power of validation and importance of detaching from outcomes. I am grateful for what I do have in life and try not to focus on what I donít have or canít control. I am a better father and if my MR ever R, I will be a better H.

I am still married to my WAS/WW, no papers have been filed. That may be one of the goals of DB, but itís more about the LBS becoming the person they want to be, moving to a healthier mindset. Setting boundaries that protect ourselves and command respect. The reality is limbo [censored]. Accept it and make the best of it for yourself and your kids. I donít know what the future holds, but a year from now I feel confident that I will be in an even better place.

I encourage all newcomers to listen and follow the advice of the vets on the board. You will save yourself a ton of pain and suffering the earlier you are able to recognize your situation for what it is, DB, 180, follow Sandiís rules, set boundaries, detach, and GAL.

I never thought I would be here a year after BD. Itís true that this is a marathon and not a sprint. Enduring lies, cheating, and utter disrespect from the person that swore their life to you and vowed to forsake all others is a monumental undertaking. These trials can tear you down in the moment, but you will emerge stronger and better prepared to identify, handle, and thrive in future hardships. I commend every LBS that stands for their MR and does the right thing for themselves, their kids, and their WAS (even though they donít know it right now). Just remember that the LBS has the power to decide when enough is enough.

My story continues...


Me: 40 W: 38, S: 8 D: 5
T: 19 M: 15, BD: 11/6/2018
PA confirmed & IHS: 12/3/2018
W moves out: 4/2/2019
Retrouvaille: 9/27-9/29/2019
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