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A Message from Michele
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Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2868742
10/18/19 01:34 PM
10/18/19 01:34 PM
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DaB35 Offline OP
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OK good to hear AS, thank you.
I feel better reading what you've said in clarifying things!

I will therefore continue to GAL and stay in my own happy place.

I have to remind myself that as she's still apparently angry, she needs time and yet more time. I will work on myself still and be AMOAFWL - I feel I have elements of that already. Worrying much less about what she's saying to her family/friends about me these days. I suppose that's a good sign.

I don't know what will happen in the next few months but whatever does happen, I'd like to think I'll be prepared, calm and happy.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2868756
10/18/19 02:21 PM
10/18/19 02:21 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,447
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by DaB35
OK good to hear AS, thank you.


Of course smile

Quote
I have to remind myself that as she's still apparently angry, she needs time and yet more time.


Exactly!

Quote
I will work on myself still and be AMOAFWL - I feel I have elements of that already.


You do indeed, you are doing great! Sometimes people here can be frustrating because they get great advice yet continue to pursue their own agenda and then complain that nothing is working. You are NOT that person, you read, you understand, you implement. Sure you question things now and then but that is a normal part of it. You're doing great at DB'ing! Keep it up!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: AnotherStander] #2868759
10/18/19 02:35 PM
10/18/19 02:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 352
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander

You do indeed, you are doing great! Sometimes people here can be frustrating because they get great advice yet continue to pursue their own agenda and then complain that nothing is working. You are NOT that person, you read, you understand, you implement. Sure you question things now and then but that is a normal part of it. You're doing great at DB'ing! Keep it up!


Thanks AS - that's really given me a boost today. smile

GAL for this weekend is gig on Saturday (get to meet up with an old friend whilst I'm there too) followed by shopping on Sunday and also parents' wedding anniversary meal with sister. Might also drop into a car dealership just for fun to kill an hour or so on Sunday.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2868803
10/18/19 07:40 PM
10/18/19 07:40 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 352
United Kingdom
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DaB35 Offline OP
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One thing I'd like to ask - in this case, my friend I've mentioned a few posts above is good friends with W and they're not going to stop being friends because of the D. He's said categorically he is not taking sides and will remain friends with both of us.

However, am I right in thinking that when I see him to catch-up and the topic comes up, I should NOT ask him, "What has she said about me?", or "Has she said/done this?" and instead maybe stick to a simple "How is she?" and possibly validate if appropriate?


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2868817
10/18/19 09:30 PM
10/18/19 09:30 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 352
United Kingdom
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DaB35 Offline OP
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When I got to the house this evening (empty as W works late on Fridays) I went to check if I had any mail (none), and noticed a small card on the coffee table. I admit it was weak of me, but I had a look. Was from one of W's friends; she lives about 10minutes away.

"Sorry I haven't been able to see you much lately as you go through this difficult time. You are amazing and life will be amazing for you. Just have to get through a scary forest first! Love you."

I first thought it was nice that she had people nearby, but then felt a bit annoyed. Not sure why - I have no proof that she has led my W, and of course W won't admit it, but at the same time it is certainly plausible that she has enabled W's decision to D. Maybe it was the half-patronising tone? She's always been a kind of 'mummy' figure out their group of 3 or 4 friends (one of my W's college friends calls her 'Magnolia' behind her back because "she only seems to talk about cushions, mortgages and nappies"!). I don't know what to think. My sister says she's definitely influenced W (along with W's sister). Both are very domineering women, and W is by contrast reality quite timid despite her bravado extrovert exterior and likes to please people. Maybe that was one of the problems in our M: she ended up in a position (i.e. our R) where she could be dominant over someone else (me) as I was very passive and avoided conflict just like she did.

I know this should not be on my mind at all. I just wanted to journal it here. I got back to GAL when I got home. I cooked myself a nice meal, and sold a few more things on Ebay tonight and got those ready for collection in the morning, then watched a nice programme on TV with mum. Also got a phonecall about yet another gig in November - I appear ot bein demand! - so pocket money is not a worry leading up to Christmas smile


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2868880
10/19/19 10:06 PM
10/19/19 10:06 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 352
United Kingdom
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Journal
Had a nice day. Gig was good. My friend was playing so was nice to catch up. He knows W quite well. He is sad but again commented that I looked well considering waht was happening. He congratulated me on working through therapy and sorting out my problems, and said we should meet up in London soon. He also agrees that whilst what I did was wrong, it is not worth D and he thinks W has chucked something away more valuable than she thinks.

Weirdly we realised one of the trumpet players also used to play in our youth orchestra when we were younger, so we all had a good chat in the break and went to the pub together for dinner before the gig.

Extra weird thing. My ex-girlfriend was playing in the orchestra, AND her mum too! What are the chances!?!
I haven't seen her for over 10 years. She still looks pretty - she's 33 now, married with 2 kids, lives in London. Old me would have timidly said hi in passing, and that's it. Instead, I just walked up to her, said a big hello and gave her a hug. I was confident, bright and breezy, made a few jokes, asked about how she was doing etc., and I didn't feel nervous. I just talked, and at the end when everyone was packing up and leaving, we had a another brief chat with her mum about how well the concert went. We both said it was lovely to see each other and that was that.

Do I miss W? Yes - we would have done this gig together. I imagined her chipping in the conversation with my old buddies here and there and everyone getting along. Sad she wasn't there - we used to do lots of concerts together. But then I turned my attention to the fact that I should be GALing, and promptly got back on that horse.

So a good day overall - got to speak to people I hadn't seen for literally a decade, was confident throughout, played well, had a nice time, and got home before 10pm.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2869100
10/22/19 08:24 AM
10/22/19 08:24 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 352
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Been thinking about W recently. I don't like the idea of her alone and struggling. I feel sad for her. But at the same time, she was the one who wanted D - she didn't want to work on the R, even though I really did and made it really obvious that I wanted to make things work. She has put herself in a really difficult place from a life-logistics point of view.

I sometimes worry that she's thinking "he's just ignoring me - he clearly doesn't care," but then I reason that must be an emotional reaction and not a logical one, presumably sped along by influence from others feeding her that idea; it's an easy way of explaining how I'm reacting or rather not reacting.

I'm wearing my wedding ring on my right hand. I didn't wear it for a week or so but put it back on. Feels a bit strange on the wrong hand.

I feel GAL is going well, and I am working on myself and have identified areas that I was "lacking in" generally and addressed those.

I am frustrated that she isn't reaching out, but then on the flip side I figure that when we do meet (no idea when that will be however), I am hoping my transformation will be more noticeable for her. Rest assured, I'm not doing this for her and her alone. It's for me because it's a long overdue overhaul of 'me'.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2869264
10/23/19 09:08 AM
10/23/19 09:08 AM
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Posts: 352
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Need a bit of advice!

The house is apparently priced a little too high so the estate agents emailed both of us yesterday evening.

Short email from W followed, saying:

"Did you get the email from estate agents about the house, priced too high and all that? What do you want to do about it?

[then something about her tax bill]

I have moved to [brother's house] and will be splitting my time between his and the house so that I’m closer to work and not so lonely. If you wouldn’t mind dropping in regularly to make sure things are ok with it that would be good also."

(no 'please' in the third paragraph I noticed!)


I haven't responded yet. But my response at the mo is:

First bit - easy. I'll just say "Ask her to change it to [new price] and see what happens."

Second bit - easy. I will let her know that she can just pay it whenever, doesn't matter.

Third bit - need a bit of advice on this!
OK, glad she will be with family more, closer to work, and not so lonely. How often is 'regularly' to drop in to the house? Once a week? Do I need to ask her when she's planning on being at our house and when she isn't?
Is it necessary for me to validate about her loneliness?

How irritating that a little email causes me such grief!


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2869277
10/23/19 03:49 PM
10/23/19 03:49 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 798
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CWarrior Offline
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Originally Posted by Dab35
I have moved to [brother's house] and will be splitting my time between his and the house so that I’m closer to work and not so lonely. If you wouldn’t mind dropping in regularly to make sure things are ok with it that would be good also.

Remind me—what is your arrangement on the home? My ex stayed in the home but owed rent. Half the rent went to her, half the rent went to me. She was responsible for day to day care any renter would do, and would be responsible if her negligence (e.g., leaving something on when on vacation) led to any issues. I think your arrangement (e.g., “co-landlords”) would help dictate how much checking in you should be doing. E.g., as a landlord maybe every month or quarter.

Last edited by CWarrior; 10/23/19 03:51 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. I've accepted she sees us as an "us" forever, but can't see her daughter living in my community.
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: CWarrior] #2869308
10/23/19 06:54 PM
10/23/19 06:54 PM
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Posts: 352
United Kingdom
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Hi CW - we still both own the home (mortgage). We own it 50/50. It is up for sale. I'm living at my parents' 40 miles away. Her brother's house is about 25mins away from "our" house.

I still have quite a bit of my stuff there (in the garage, plus all the furniture that will eventually be shared and we've agreed who gets what in writing), but I have not lived there since the end of May.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
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