Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5)

[unchien]

At this point I really just want to move forward with my life and not have her holding me over the proverbial barrel with her victim mentality she plays to the court and so forth. Unfortunately I am in such a tough spot to be proactive. My job prevents me from getting the time with the kids I want, so I lose that argument. That could change by next summer. If I force the issue now I will be locked into 4 days a month or less for 10 years. My L wants $25000 up front just to start trial paperwork. I don't have that kind of cash sitting around to waste.

I don't care about the piece of paper. I don't even know where it is. I care that she is lying to the kids about all of this. She is telling them to lie to me about it. They tell me that 'mom said we aren't supposed to tell you this' regularly. No matter the topic. I never trust a word she has to say. Every word is lies. Example: A few weeks ago she kept the kids out until after midnight partying with her divorced friend, then said they didn't want to come see me the next morning. I asked the kids about it and they said they were just too tired to want to leave the house. Lies.

I think I am going to talk with the kids about it in simple terms this weekend.

LB55 - Big caveat here, I haven't been through the next phase of the process myself yet so I'm not super informed.

Couple thoughts:

1. Are you documenting all this information in a journal? "Mom said we aren't supposed to tell you this", etc. My understanding is this information would be admissible in family court, just as she could slander you.

2. If it comes down to a family court issue, make sure a forensic psychologist is involved (I'm sure a L would advise the same). The stuff your W is saying to your kids would come up.

Really sorry to hear how difficult things have become. Hang in there.

[LB55]

I don't want to speak for Vapo but what I tried to get into a bit in my previous post was that the WAS's "perception" is that the M is over at BD. They've been thinking about it a long time, and BD is all about them officially pulling the plug and considering it over and done

This is so true.

After our BD, my W immediately started acting like she was single. In her mind the announcement of her intentions to D meant she was no longer married. That continued for a good 6 weeks until she finally starting coming around to the fact that she was still my W. WW fog is real.

I remember when I thought 6 weeks was a long time to have to deal with this! :-)

I am fine with the M being over. Really I am. I am not sure I could ever trust her again anyway. I am not sure there is anything she could do to prove to me she is trustworthy. If she came to me tomorrow with a settlement proposal that said 50/50 split with the kids, 50/50 asset split, and 2 years of spousal support of like $1500/month I would sign it tomorrow.

Unfortunately she wants me to see the kids for 4 days a month, wants all three houses we own together worth $1.3M, wants the income from my support for life, child support, and income from the rental homes to the tune of almost $9k/month. She is however willing to not take her share of my military retirement in exchange for giving up all 3 homes...which is about $750/month and starts 4 years from now. What a smoking hot deal! She believes she gets 75% of our marital assets because the kids live with her. Her L feeds this and makes promises he can't hope to come through on. This is why it will be such a fight. She will spend $1M to earn $10k if she can say she defeated me.

This fight is what I keep coming back to. I don't want to initiate it and that is strictly out of fear of the unknown. I am scared to get screwed over more than i already feel i have been. I live in a very liberal state, woman keeps the kids, the house, the income, and man can go figure out how to feed himself since he is such a worthless pig. They claim 'fair and equitable' but that is far from the truth. I wore my uniform to my hearing because I had no other clothing...she had everything...the judge looked at me and asked if I wore that to impress him because it wouldn't work.

[LB55]

LB55 - Big caveat here, I haven't been through the next phase of the process myself yet so I'm not super informed.

Couple thoughts:

1. Are you documenting all this information in a journal? "Mom said we aren't supposed to tell you this", etc. My understanding is this information would be admissible in family court, just as she could slander you.

2. If it comes down to a family court issue, make sure a forensic psychologist is involved (I'm sure a L would advise the same). The stuff your W is saying to your kids would come up.

Really sorry to hear how difficult things have become. Hang in there.

I do keep notes in my phone with dates and times and what was said and by whom. My biggest bullet right now is the temp orders that say she shall take the kids to counseling...they haven't been since May...'mom said it wasn't working so she stopped taking us'...I am sure the judge will love that one.

Whether it is admissible or not is irrelevant. What I have figured out is whomever is the dirtiest most low down liar gets their way in court. Taking the high road seems to be how you get taken.

[unchien]

My friend who went through a custody trial (in a different state) said hearsay is completely admissible in court. So it is wise to document what you can, save texts/e-mails, etc. It almost sounded like anything is admissible. In the end, with all the false allegations his XW raised, the judge saw through it and he got 50/50.

[LB55]

Hello everyone, just a quick check in...nothing changed in my situation

We’ve casually tried to discuss a separation agreement...it almost inevitably winds up with “I should get the house because remember when you forgot Valentine’s Day in 2003???” Type of stuff. Just nonsense.

I’m working a lot and trying to spend as much time with the kids as I can. I asked to see them this weekend but she said they’re busy. I asked the kids what their plans were and they said nothing planned. She just doesn’t want me to see them. Said I needed to know how it feels. Whatever that means.

Keep strong everyone; it’s a tough time of year for most here and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you’re struggling. Cheers!!

[AnotherStander]

We’ve casually tried to discuss a separation agreement...it almost inevitably winds up with “I should get the house because remember when you forgot Valentine’s Day in 2003???” Type of stuff. Just nonsense.

Hahaha! Oh man, the fantasy is strong!

I asked the kids what their plans were and they said nothing planned. She just doesn’t want me to see them. Said I needed to know how it feels. Whatever that means.

It means "you didn't give me what I want so now I'm going to try to punish you." It is really disgusting when a WAS tries to use the kids as pawns like that.

Stay strong brother!

[neffer]

Hey LB, W´s need to behave like that tells you where she´s standing...Don´t go there.

Free your mind my friend, better times coming.

Stay strong there, as AS says.

(((LB)))

[ovrrnbw]

Hey LB, was thinking about you the other day. Hope this Christmas was about a million times better than last Christmas for you.

[LB55]

Hey LB, was thinking about you the other day. Hope this Christmas was about a million times better than last Christmas for you.

Thanks for thinking of me! I'm not on here a ton anymore, probably check in once every 2-3 weeks. Nothing much has changed in my situation.

I am doing better for the most part, there are still days that stink, mostly when I hear from W so I guess im still affected by that. Most recently she told me my son had homework over the Christmas standdown. I picked them up on the 20th. Never thought to ask as its christmas break and i never had homework over christmas break. She waited until Christmas eve to let me know about the homework. We worked some of it christmas eve. I didn't have him work on it Christmas day. The kids went back to her on the 26th. Then I get a message that I am an irresponsible parent and am putting a ton of stress on my son and W because now he has all this homework to do that I failed to get done.

Christmas was better this year, spent with my sister and family, kids were with me this year. We had a great time and the kids really appreciated being with family and having a relaxing holiday. Their behavior changed dramatically over the week they were with us. Went from being entitled brats to helping with the dishes voluntarily within just a few days. They stopped playing on their tablets mostly voluntarily to spend time with their cousins. So all in all, a good change from last year!! Son shot a deer, so we got to celebrate that and do lots of work to get all the meat put away.

Still not sure what I should do with my situation. I know I don't have to do anything and that the feeling of 'doing' something is just an illusion that wastes time and money. I want to be done with this most days; yet there are days where I would still consider going back. Not sure why I would; she is so toxic and vengeful I am not sure I could ever risk going through this again with her...she hasn't done any work on herself...still just blames others for her problems. Uses the guilt card incessantly. But as long as there is someone to blame...the problem is solved from her point of view. I am tired of being blamed, even if I can recognize that I am not actually at fault for most of the things. Its tough to take on a regular basis.

[Ready2Change]

Sounds like a good Christmas. My oldest son shot his first elk this year. Good times.

As far as your W, Sometimes it is OK to call BS on things. Sometimes is is OK to shine the light on who is the REAL irresponsible parent. Most of the time, I just let it slide.



W:"H, You are an irresponsible parent and you are putting a ton of stress on me and S because now he has all this homework to do that you failed to get done."


H:"We both have VERY different views on what constitutes being an irresponsible parent. Regardless of our differences, I appreciate you letting me know about this issue. Hopefully in the future one of you will let me know in advance that there is homework to be done. Regards"

or

H:"I am sorry you are stressed over S homework"