Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 386
B
blakmac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 386
Quote
Please do not insult my intelligence by trying to defend that as you having pure motives. You did try to embarrass her.


No. She has made a massive habit out of stretching the truth and denying reality. I'm not dealing with just a WAW at this point, I'm dealing with a full-blown narcissistic abuser. She was trying to make herself look good and blame me for the issue. She was attempting to derail and force them to enter her drama world. I stopped it with one sentence.

This isn't insulting your intelligence. The game has changed. I'm not trying to fix a wrecked marriage anymore, I'm trying to survive and abuser who is purposefully skewing the story to S's doctors, teachers, and school staff. I'm not allowing that. If she wants to play games for sympathy, I won't allow that because she's literally using S as leverage to get attention and sympathy for herself.

Things are far different than they were when I first started posting here. I came here with the intent of saving the marriage. Every time there was progress, I would learn that the "progress" was just her messing with my head.

Narcissistic abusers are sick. I don't have to say anything to her to make her go into a rage and start petty (and sometimes not petty) attacks, and a lot of that hasn't been posted here because of ongoing legal issues. Whenever she feels like I'm not doing what she wants (when I'm GAL or anything), she amps up the attention grab...even if it's negative attention.

She's now scheduling S's dr appts on my parenting time on purpose so she can take more time for herself. And if I don't like it, she's telling me I can skip work and handle it. I gave her rights to make appointments, but she's doing this to put me in a place where I have to choose between making enough money for S and I to survive or getting him to the appointment and struggling. In fact, the appt date/time isn't necessary, but I won't get into that right this second.

The bottom line is she IS abusive, and I'm not letting her walk all over me.

I have, in our court-monitored communication app, folders for messages she refuses to read and also for messages from her trying to say she wants to come back. It's a hoover/devalue/discard cycle.

Joined: May 2018
Posts: 386
B
blakmac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 386
It's over.

I can breathe now.

We're officially divorced.

Wonder what's next?

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
bm, hang in there man!

What's next, set yourself up for success in your next R! I'd start with deciding on what you can afford for IC (once a month? once every other month? once every 3 months? Even once every 6 months!). I would highly suggest a life coach but you probably can't swing that financially right now.

Lots of reading. Lots. Get books from the library. Concentrate on relationship books, self-improvement books, etc. R2C has lots of good lists on books (if it is not a violation of the board rules to post them).

One thing I hope you learned through all of this is not to sit back and wonder what is next. Figure out what YOU WANT next.....and go get it!!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by blakmac
Wonder what's next?


The world my man, go out there and grab it smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
Happiness comes from inside BM! Get it and shine there.

Take good care of S, as you always do.

(((BM)))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
Originally Posted by Steve85
Lot's of reading. Lots. Get books from the library. Concentrate on relationship books, self-improvement books, etc. R2C has lots of good lists on books


https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 386
B
blakmac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 386
D has been final for a month. Now it's getting wild. lol

GAL is going G R E A T! I've had almost no contact at all with the now ex W, and life has been peaceful. She finally started paying child support!

*record scratch*

So a month ago we reached an agreement on support. She's payed a bit. The hard stuff is done. But last week I got a letter stating that someone requested an adjustment in CS. Today, exW stepped down from her high income position to take one just below where she was, but making $14/hour, effectively cutting her income in half. I asked her if she requested an adjustment, she said that she is about to. I told her "you do realize I got the notice of the meeting last week, right?"

I thought things would be calm for longer.

She can't leave it alone.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
bm, I am not sure of your financial situation. I find that most people tend to overstate how hard up financially they are. Meantime they have cable TV with every single channel, not to mention Netflix, Disney+ and other paid streaming services. They drive nice cars that cost a lot of money. And they have to have a top of the line smartphone with an expensive data plan. In other words, they are prioritizing in the wrong places.

I say all of that to say that if you stepped up and just said "You know what, I don't need your support. I can provide for me and mine on my own!" that your life moving forward would be a lot easier and a whole lot complex. I hear horror stories of LBSs (mostly LBWs) that get dragged into court over support on a regular basis. That would NOT be for me.

So just a thought.....tell her to take her support and shove it. That would be what I would do. Then she will have no connection to you except for S, and then you can concentrate on coparenting with her without any other baggage.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 386
B
blakmac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 386
Well, I don't watch TV or have streaming services. I have internet because I have to for work. The car note is high, but that's because we bought a car together before I ever thought she might bail, and I got stuck with it all. I haven't had time to save money to get a cheaper car because of all the cash outflow.

I've been a huge fan of personal finance for a long time, and I kept it together the whole process. I even quit smoking, which has helped a lot.

If I could afford everything without her help, I absolutely would tell her to shove it. I have a few bargaining chips for our support negotiation meeting coming up. Bottom line is she voluntarily stepped down, and without the child support, I'm just about maxed out. I've cut out unnecessary spending as much as I really can, and I'm now paying 100% for after school care. After the D finalized, my bills increased. It's literally just necessities...I have no extra memberships or anything, and she ended up not taking on any significant percentage of the debt (she ended up with about 3000 IRS debt, but I got stuck with another almost 20k in joint debt that she didn't take as part of the deal to get her freedom and give me primary custody).

Honestly...I wish I could tell her that. I can't move out of the area to get a better job (which would probably double my income, tbh) because of the geographical restrictions she requested, and my family is 1,200 miles away, so I don't have any backup. I already skip lunch breaks to make OT. It helps, but it's not quite enough to make everything happen yet.

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by blakmac
So a month ago we reached an agreement on support. She's payed a bit. The hard stuff is done. But last week I got a letter stating that someone requested an adjustment in CS. Today, exW stepped down from her high income position to take one just below where she was, but making $14/hour, effectively cutting her income in half. I asked her if she requested an adjustment, she said that she is about to. I told her "you do realize I got the notice of the meeting last week, right?"

I thought things would be calm for longer.

She can't leave it alone.


What the heck?? She's demoting herself and will be making half the income? Why do you think she's doing that? I don't have a lot of experience with how CS works but my understanding is that once an agreement is reached it can't be changed just because the paying party decides they don't want to pay as much. IE, I don't think legally she can voluntarily take a lower paying position and cut the support she's paying because of it. I've heard of people losing their job completely and still being required to pay the same CS amount.

EDIT- did some Googling and saw on a law site that where a parent has "willfully reduced his or her income in order to avoid the obligation to pay" that typically the court will not allow a reduction in CS. So if she's voluntarily reducing her income then I don't think the court will look favorably on that.

Last edited by AnotherStander; 12/03/19 05:12 PM.

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Page 6 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard