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Hey everyone. Things have been slow on the forums and I decided to update my thread. It's been a strange day. Right be sick or tired and I'm sitting in the garage with the TV on. Needed some fresh air after feeling hot and cold at the office all day.

My life is just buzzing along. Ive been in IC weekly. My SIL got married the weekend before last. I was anticipating the event with some dread. A couple weeks before that i mentioned to W that not wearing rings bothers me. W mentioned "getting married again", and I asked if she meant renewing vows. She said yes. W brought up wearing rings on the SIL wedding weekend. I got mad at first but eventually said I don't want to put them on unless they're staying on. And then she took it off again Monday. I carried a lot of anger last week and it showed. W and I argued more than any week in the last 6 months.

Anyways I've let that go (at least partially), but it's almost just easier to go back to not wearing the rings or thinking about it. Easy...not the best word when it comes to this. Well the wedding went OK until it didn't. I was drunk for a little bit but laid off and sobered up. W was blacked out. There was a couple times where she was talking to some guy and I took it the wrong way. It may have been nothing and it may have been wrong, I don't know. But later that night I decided to not walk to the gas station with her bc I was angry about her talking to this guy. She yelled at me during dinner and it was BS. Then she got back to the hotel and said F Over. So I went to bed. W doesn't remember much of this if any. But I had to get this paragraph off my chest.

Overall, I've been doing well with staying even keeled and not letting things bother me so much. For me, doing well means I'm only halfway to where I want to be. Some small things still bother me.

I haven't spoken to my dad in almost a couple months now. That R is a weird one and I don't know what to do there.

I created an acronym for myself to remind myself to Practice a new way of living, be Patient, and to Listen.

My dog is now 15 months old, American black lab for those who don't know. She is small, about 50 lbs and I like that she is super fast and think as a feather. She retrieved her first birds in September, some blue winged teal on a marsh north of St Charles. It was awesome to see her finally get the real deal and watch all of our training come to life in the field. Our weather finally broke about 1.5 weeks ago, so now we have cool weather. We still saw tons of different migrating birds in September and that is beautiful in itself.

I've been reading some of the old threads between Breakdown and Mach1. I know I still harbor a lot of pain and anger over...something. Not just my W. I carried these with me from well before my marriage. I always enjoy Machs way of questioning people that really makes you think. So now I'm really thinking, really doing, and really trying to figure myself out here. I wish it was just easy. Oh well. I'm ready for a vacation, somewhere warm with lots of animals and pretty country and water. I'm rambling now. Hope you all are healing, growing, and learning. Thanks for lending an ear, this place has changed my life.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Hey there friend,

Glad you are still updating. Sounds like you are in a hard spot. It’s hard to rally momentum when things fall into the lull of a regular pattern, and it’s not bad but it’s not particularly good either. Do you ever follow Esther Perel? She has a lot of great materials on marriage and is the expert on infidelity. You can even find gold nuggets on YouTube. She currently has a web course to rebuild intimacy. She believes that most of us will have several Ms in our lifetime and for some of us it will be with the same person. It sounds like you and your W need to figure out how to build this next relationship together. I think in order to do that, there may need to be some remorse and atonement for past actions. Have you said this to her? Because you can’t go forward if you are building resentment for past hurts.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Hey ovr-

Weddings are tough. Sorry to hear it wasn't a great experience, but know you're not alone in that department. A month ago W and I went separately to a wedding (but rode in the same car, her sister's) - weirdest experience of my life. We had been invited last year as a couple. Sat at the same table with all married couples, but separated on either side of mutual couple/friends.

It was sort of like straddling the boundary between time and space, where some things were normal, and then they would go absolutely haywire bonkers. I did my best to enjoy myself and ignore the awkwardness as much as I could, but I found myself paying attention to what W was doing several times. I stopped myself when I thought of it, but the more drinks you have, the easier it is to fall into old habits.

Maneuvering through these events is not easy, but you got through it. Give yourself a break and keep on trucking

Stay strong smile

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Ovr,

It's official - I just finished reading your entire thread from start to finish (took me 5 days)! Wow you have been through so much in the last year. As someone that is new around here it was very interesting to see your sitch from start to current. You have made some serious progress in your personal growth and regardless of anything that happens with your R it has benefited you. I can tell that you are continuing to push yourself to be a better version - kudos! I'm really happy for you that it seems like recon is possible with your waw. Obviously there is still a ton to work through but it looks like it's moving forward (not stuck).

Did your w help to comfort and support you through this recent issue with your dad? I wondered if her support through these last few (tough) months with him possibly brought you both together in a different way. Having a common enemy sort of thing and bonding over the frustration and distain of that situation.

Thanks for some of the comments on my thread as I am new to DBing and just trying to learn the basics.


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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Guys, thank you for responding! I'm just in a weird spot right now. I'll check out Esther Perel. I certainly have a thing for people with funky names!

Originally Posted by BluWave
She believes that most of us will have several Ms in our lifetime and for some of us it will be with the same person. It sounds like you and your W need to figure out how to build this next relationship together. I think in order to do that, there may need to be some remorse and atonement for past actions. Have you said this to her? Because you can’t go forward if you are building resentment for past hurts.


I have not. I know the resentment thing is a big deal for me. I shoved a lot down over the years and I think that was not good in the long run. But I see some wisdom in the several M's, because people change and your R dynamic changes... it's something to think about and read about certainly.

IronWill, yes it was not bad overall. Sorry to hear you had to go through something similar!

Kristin, I can't believe you read that whole thing! Thank you! Blu read it all last year (or at least early this year) too. It's a mess. I'm scared to go back and relive those moments and feel my weaknesses and fears again.

My W has been a fervent supporter of mine when "stuff" hits the fan, whether it was with my dad or brother. She did support me a lot recently. She also did that last December at a wedding, even though she had just come home to work on things and ran back to OM, she was very much sticking up for me in front of people when they were asking what happened to me and my brother (I'm an identical twin FYI). It's very strange in my opinion.

I'm glad I can help you out a little. I just think you are hurting, I've been there, but that you really are stronger and better than you know.

I'm just over hear trying to figure who and what I am, without overthinking it and driving myself nuts.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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Hey all,

just wanted to update my thread, I had a major moment last night in an R talk with my W and unloaded a 7 year lie I had been hanging on to. I even lied here about it.

W and I were having a nice little ride home from a weekend vacation and she was sending pics from my phone to her phone. When the timeline got back to spring when she was still seeing OM I was getting very nervous and told her to give me my phone. She asked why and I BS'd her. She knew because of the timeline. It led to her bringing up an incident from the first year we dated. I skipped out on her mom's bday one evening back in 2012 and met up with an ex and cheated on my W, who was my then GF. My now FIL (father in law) called my dad that evening, as FIL was doing some work for my dad's property. I lied and told my W (GF at the time) that I was helping my dad with something. My dad and FIL figured out this lie and when my W asked me about it I lied. We fought about it pretty good back in 2012 and it caused a lot of conflict.

So back to last night. I have been learning and growing in the last 1.5 years, and I'm trying to be honest and forthcoming and compassionate. So I tell W that she is right, I wanted my phone back so she wouldn't see any pictures of screenshots I took of her phone, or images of W and OM that I took as proof. Then W asks about 2012 and where I was that night. Frankly, I was sick of lying about it. I don't even remember what lie I told back then. So I began to prepare myself to tell her the truth. We arrive at home and sit down. We talk, and I tiptoed at first, and ultimately told my W that I went to see my ex GF back then and cheated on her. This is a source of pain for my W. I lied to her and basically made her feel crazy because my story from cheating on her was sketchy. We talked for 2 hours straight. W was hurt, relieved, and quite confused. She kissed me, hugged me, asked about having sex last night and we proceeded to accomplish some household taks.

W also talked about her affair and explained her mindset of loving me, but being so worn out that she didn't want to try anymore. She also spoke about why she would want to come back and then be scared to be back and then leave again. Classic WAS mindset for those who have read the WAS perspective. I think AnotherStander had linked something before and it was an interesting read for me.

W also woke up in the middle of the night upset, and woke me up to talk about it more. She was hurt, confused, and wanting more info. So I gave it to her. I was scared that telling her that I cheated would make her leave me. I was able to finally tell her the truth though. It was hard, I was very scared. I didn't sleep much last night. My head, eyes, and throat hurt. My stomach too. But W is still here. She is doing stuff with me and kissing and hugging me.. I'm still worried but I'm trying to focus on the positives and thinking about what I can do to continue growing. Now, I've come clean to you guys. My sister may read this soon and know about this. That's scary too. I want to be good in the worst way. I'm really tired of creating chaos and living in my own personal hell. I am working to make this another step forward for me. Thank you all for being there for me at my hardest times.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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That sounds really difficult and kudos to you for pushing through and coming clean. It is amazing how the body can hold onto all this trauma and how the pain comes through physically. Hope you can get some sleep tonight and forgive yourself.

You are becoming the best version of yourself-- honest, forthcoming, compassionate-- and as hard as that was to open up about a lie you've been holding onto for so many years, I'm sure it was really helpful for her to finally understand what happened. You gave her the gift of honesty and as difficult as that was for her to hear it sounds like she appreciates it and the new you that was willing to get through the pain and fear to be honest about it with her. Good for you.


Me (46) H (42)
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Ovr, that took some courage to come clean about your exGF. I’m sure that was a weight of your chest and a relief that W didn’t take it too hard. I think many LBH have skeletons in the closet that we are holding on to. For me, I think that contributed to why I cut my WW slack for so long with her A’s. I felt a sense of guilt that I was no better than her with some of my past choices.

However, I believe there is a distinct difference when dealing with a WW. I recognized the damage that could be inflicted to my life, marriage, and family if I were to act upon temptations. I couldn’t bring myself to jeopardize that or hurt my W in that way. The WW sees the pain and suffering the LBH is going through, yet they choose to continue and submit to their selfish desires. Having been cheated on and knowing how that feels, I could never put my partner through that especially when the A has been exposed and the LBH knows what is going on.

I think you did the right thing. A MR rebuilt on honesty shows the values you intend to follow going forward.

Last edited by curtis7; 11/12/19 09:43 PM.

Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
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Ovr,

Good for you for being so open and vulnerable. That must have been really hard for you considering everything you have been through. This is going to sound odd, but maybe this will bring you and you ww some healing and forgiveness. It seems as though she was almost relieved that you, too, are human and capable of making mistakes. I am sure that your w is still suffering from guilt and feelings of remorse and I hope this brings her some forgiveness within herself.

I went through a similar situation before my ww and I even began dating. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship and was actually engaged to my ex. I was honest and clear with ww that we were not monogamous and that I would not commit to a relationship with her until I was ready. My ex and I spent some time together and I was still very confused on my feelings. I was honest with w (dating at the time) about spending time with ex. Eventually, my w did ask me to be her girlfriend and I committed to a relationship (I was ready). Several months into our committed relationship, she asked me if anything had ever happened with ex during that time we were dating each other and not committed. I was honest and explained that, yes, we kissed twice. She was upset and hurt for quite a while - even though we were not monogamous when it happened! It still blows my mind that as much angst that it caused her, years later, she would step out on our MR and engage in a full blown affair.

All of this just goes to prove that even good people can make mistakes. We are all flawed. I'm glad that it seems like your wife seems to be much more interactive and respectful with you. Wishing you both mutual understanding and love.

Kristin


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
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Wow Ovr, that's a really courageous thing to talk about and even moreso you opened up to your W about it. I admire that.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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