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Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2875120
12/07/19 02:27 PM
12/07/19 02:27 PM
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Gerda Offline
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A bit overwhelmed by this one. Made me cry for quite a while but I think in a good way.

I have been trying to allow myself to just feel what I feel and not try to fix it, just look at it, based on those books I have been reading. And last night I was alone as D10 was with H and D14 was out. I went to my church to pray for a long time and then dried my eyes and went to a cafe to write, and I had that feeling of total solitude and spirit hovering nearby that is both sweet and searingly painful. Worked for a while on the writing and then went out into the cold air and felt the lights and life all around me and tried to look at that feeling of loneliness and not get rid of it, but man it was hard. I was asking God why so much of my life was this way, alone. Came home to this post from you. I understand exactly what you are saying and I know it is true. I am not sure I will ever be where you are, to be able to say I am glad for what happened. I am a little stuck on wishing I had not been so damaged when I first met H, that maybe I would have chosen more wisely. I wish my life had been totally different. I wish if I was going to spend so much of my life in feeling alone, I had pursued the life I intended, which was an artistic one. I am doing that more now but it's pretty late. (And yes, of course I am glad I have my children and I know God wanted these particular children here, and for me to be their mom and love them. But I am still allowing myself to look at that other thought for now and see the pain in it in order to try to let it go someday.)

(And by the way, as someone who works with teens and loves them more than any other age of people, there is no more sure way to know you are a beautiful soul than to have teens tell you or at least respond to you in that way. Well done!!!)

So many unknowns for me right now but reading your post last night and again this morning, I am thinking of what we can be sure of. I am sure that God started to bring me to faith before the hurricane actually hit so that I could walk through it with Him and be refined by it in God's way. And truly, it was because of H that all those books were on our shelf, that I was exposed so often to churches and to his endless discourses on faith (clearly, in retrospect, the shallow soil, but still used to plant it in me!), of which part of that was -- "The child can't distinguish between the gift and the giver." It truly is one of the truest truths and it has played over in my head since H said it years ago. I am glad it will play in your head now; and I am not surprised that it hit you so hard and that you understood it exactly and understood why it was so important because of who you are. (I love your description of being shell shocked, just sitting there at work with the noise around you and you in stillness thinking about that truth.) And I am sure I am glad our paths crossed here. Thanks for the post, DnJ, you were right that it meant a lot for me. Tomorrow is my birthday, I take that as your gift!

Last edited by Gerda; 12/07/19 02:29 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2875159
12/07/19 09:36 PM
12/07/19 09:36 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,900
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DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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Happy Early Birthday Gerda.

I’m glad your gift fit. smile

(((Gerda)))

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me52 XW48 S22 S21 S19 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2875163
12/07/19 10:45 PM
12/07/19 10:45 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,900
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DnJ Offline OP
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Hello

Taking a break from the Yuletide Sweatshop of DnJ; this elf has a sore neck. ow, ow, ow. I mean ho, ho, ho.

So I was caught, ball of bright red yarn, needles clicking and clacking, half a scarf complete. Christmas songs blaring away, and me singing away, knitting up a storm.

D17’s return home from her basketball game was a surprise. She entered the living room and saw the supplies spread on the couch. I turn off the music, and she looked at me with a knowing smiling. (She did ask for a scarf after all)

She asked if I was knitting something for....... myself. I said yep, with a grin. I asked “so, do you like the colour red, for no particular reason or anything”. She does like red, by the way.

She looked rather happy and commented on how long it takes to knit things; a lot of time invested.

She asked if she could practice piano, and I of course said yes. The piano is 20 feet from where I am sitting. So, I sang to her Christmas songs.

What a fantastic day.

I best get back to my labours, as Santa is a taskmaster and set a pretty ambitious goal for this weary less than skilled elf.

In about an hour I am heading off to the city I work in. We are having a Christmas party tonight for our work group. Supper, drinks, and bowling. I hope those games I played during vacation help, we are pretty competitive bunch.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me52 XW48 S22 S21 S19 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2875175
12/08/19 12:35 AM
12/08/19 12:35 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,581
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OwnIt Offline
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Lovely DnJ, just lovely. You are breaking all of our hearts. Your ex is insane to let you get away. Enjoy those wonderful children of yours and the closeness you all feel.

Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2875790
12/12/19 06:01 AM
12/12/19 06:01 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 998
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Gerda Offline
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Here is a song for you today. You are a man who made a home that your kids can love to long for when they are away from it. And when we read about what it is like at your house, we "miss home" too.

Flora Cash -- Missing Home

Who knows -- maybe your W will one day too.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2876140
12/14/19 03:35 PM
12/14/19 03:35 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,900
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DnJ Offline OP
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Well those vacation bowling games didn’t help squat. smile

Whoa. Jumping ahead.

- - - -

Good Morning All

OwnIt - Thanks for the love. And the encouraging “Your XW is insane for letting you get away”.

Heartbreak. There is some insights, ideas, or whatever - stuff - I’ve been trying to find time to type about. bttrfly told me a while ago to “Spill. You know you want too.”. Just busy, however the breaking our hearts comment has a pull on me.

I found a broken heart is a good thing. Oh at first it is so painful, and I’d swear I’d never get over it. It felt like it anyhow. Haha, feelings and their temporary nature.

A broken heart is a chance for it to grow. To allow love to enter. To heal stronger than before.

To be accurate: Being broken-hearted is the gift of the opportunity for growth, in love and compassion. The “heart” is our belief in love and faith.

Watching my children hurt from this situation would break my heart a little each time. And I’d find it filled a bit more with love and kindness - each and every time.

A broken heart doesn’t have to just leak out its love and compassion. Faith, beliefs, choices, I suppose play the significant role in all this.

Originally Posted by OwnIt
You are breaking all of our hearts.

That is how I read that. And I am honoured to have friends who’s hearts break a little from my blessed life.

The slight crack of compassion in one’s heart is such a sweet pain. It transcends and becomes love.

The gift of empathy; it hurts and heals.


Gerda - That is a great song! Thank you! Oh I do love that song. I never heard that one.

A great message of course. But it such a good song. The vocals are clean, and choral is excellent - not over powering and just fills in so well. I am going to look up more from that artist. Thanks for that!

Home is where the heart is. The finale of the song, and the uplifting message.

Such a coincidence you suggesting that song and my current thoughts and vivid dreams.

The last really meaningful vivd dream of XW was of her in eternal torment. The catalyst for me to forgive her. I do not want to be the judge for such a punishment. If there is any possibility of me swaying God’s decision regarding her eternal soul I am exercising it, and have plead my case. It is not one of vengeance but of forgiveness. I know He has heard me; I trust in I judgement.

That is coming up on two years ago. The last night I had a bad sleep. Every single night since then has been peaceful and full. Every. Single. Night. I know the power of forgiveness. I live it.

Recently I’ve had a few dreams of XW wanting to return home. I still sleep excellently, wake refreshed, but with this idea, almost vision. And then, this song.

Home is where the heart is. My heart has been within these sticks and bricks; walls and halls. A long and happy life was had here, and still is being had. My children have all grown here, and love returning. Yes, my heart has an affinity for this house. However, the true home is within my heart, and follows me. Of course I still live here so best of both worlds for now.

If I turn my attention and reach outward with empathy to XW’s possible path, how does her home look and feel? What is her home? In other words, where is her heart?

The few sightings I have personally had of her. The interactions between her and the kids. The absence of her and OM doing anything together. She is homeless. Confused. Broken-hearted. An opportunity for growth. A choice. Will she run or face it.

I believe time is working on her, like all of us, and she is feeling her memories. Home, children, family, Christmas with little children. One can not hide such memories forever. Holidays do bring the MLCers out a bit. What will she do?

Broken-hearted and homeless.

Time will tell. So I continue living and loving my life. Enjoying the music and the memory of home and heart.

- - - -

Last Saturday was my work Christmas party. It was held at the bowling alley in the city I work at, one hour away from home. D17 had gone to her boyfriends house, which is around 30 minutes from home. The weather outside was frightful, lol. It was raining and the roads were icy. Just a normal everyday winter excursion.

Surprisingly the food at the alley was incredible. What a menu! I had a two signature appetizers of stuffed mushroom caps, and chicken wings. Oh my I really should have had only one. It said a bucket of stuffed mushroom caps; and they meant a bucket. I passed it around to the table of ten and we all enjoyed our various appetizers.

The main meals were incredible. Fancy plates and presentation; and really tasty. My meal was their carnival burger. A huge double burger, cheese, bacon, onions, mushrooms, cheese fondue drizzled over the burgers, and all sandwiched between two glazed buns. With a skewer of stuffed mushrooms stabbed in the top; 4 more mushrooms rising up from that monster burger. And of course a big pile on fries. My oh my what a meal.

Bowling was fun. With ten of us we had two lanes and played three games. I did alright, breaking 100 each game. Yep, kept my goal nice and low, and reasonable. Lol.

There was lots of laughing and talking. Sharing of stuff and a real good time. During the third game and very funny thing happened to me, which I shared with everyone and received much well intentioned mirth.

Two games in, and I actually was the second highest score in the first one - by two points. Oh it was so close. Anyhow frame three of our third game. It is 10:30pm, we are all relaxed and having a blast. I get a text from D17, just as I am getting up for my turn. Everyone here knows my situation, my single Dad status, and the solo continued raising of daughter and sons.

The text is:

D17: Hi Dad. Can I stay over at BF’s house tonight?

Me: <Stunned>

Pause in game.

Show my phone to work friends.

Much laughter.

I throw the ball. Into the gutter, like 20 feet down the lane. Second shot is heading straight for the edge of the cluster and just clips two pins.

Sit down again. Start to compose a response.

Me: Are you out of your mind?!? <backspace><backspace> No. No. I don’t send that. Laugh about possible responses. Fellow workers joke about various possible events that could transpire. Yes, they are funny.

Oh my turn again. Pick up the ball, almost drop the dang thing. Fire it down the lane like a cannon. Get a strike. Yeah!

Me: What are you thinking? <backspace><backspace> No. No. That’s no good either.

I talk to my clerk; she’s a really nice gal. She loved and listened to how I discussed birth control with D17 (if you remember that story). She used it as a jump off point for her own D16. The word “boink” was the icebreaker she loved. Her daughter’s reaction was - ahhhh, ok ok, I get it. Ha ha.

I waited purposefully until she had a mouthful of her drink and then faux typed and said out loud - “Ok, you can stay, just no boinking”. She almost lost her drink in a spray across her husband.

Oh my turn again. Shoot. Gutter ball. What the heck. Must be something on my mind. Second ball. Gutter. F___. What a waste of a strike. Oh look at that - last place. And lots of ribbing. Lol.

Me: Did I read that correctly? (Oh, that’s good. Just enough warning and empathy. I send that.)

Pause

D17: I would be in a separate room.

Me: OMG! WELL YA. OF COURSE YOU’D BETTER BE IN A SEPARATE ROOM. <Breathe><Backspace a bunch><Of course don’t send>

Oh and look my turn again. Score four. Hahah. This game is really gone down hill.

Well I need to get this figured out.

Me: Sleeping on a couch?

D17: No. They have a spare bedroom.

Me: Excellent.

Me: Are his parents ok with this idea? (I am pretty proud of how I slid this confirmation in to the conversation)

My turn again. I score 7.

D17: Actually, they suggested I stay. The road are terrible. And they felt it was probably better than heading home so late.

Hmmmmm. This is getting better.

Me: That does sound wise. Of course you can stay.

D17: Thanks. See you tomorrow.

Me: I’m glad his family is welcoming to you. Good night. See you tomorrow.

Ok. All wrapped up. Not much I could’ve done anyhow. And she is 17 and 1/2. She has been raised and brought up to the woman she is and is becoming - I trust W and I did a good job. And I trust her. (Joking aside).

Next three frames are good and I finish with 101 points. Yay! Second last. smile

What a fun night.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me52 XW48 S22 S21 S19 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2876143
12/14/19 03:48 PM
12/14/19 03:48 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,280
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kml Offline
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Only thing you did wrong was not asking to speak to her parents.

But it’s true, at this age, if they want to “boink” they’ll find a way regardless.

Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2876155
12/14/19 06:00 PM
12/14/19 06:00 PM
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Grace21 Offline
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Originally Posted by DnJ
Home is where the heart is. My heart has been within these sticks and bricks; walls and halls. A long and happy life was had here, and still is being had. My children have all grown here, and love returning. Yes, my heart has an affinity for this house. However, the true home is within my heart, and follows me. Of course I still live here so best of both worlds for now.

If I turn my attention and reach outward with empathy to XW’s possible path, how does her home look and feel? What is her home? In other words, where is her heart?

The few sightings I have personally had of her. The interactions between her and the kids. The absence of her and OM doing anything together. She is homeless. Confused. Broken-hearted. An opportunity for growth. A choice. Will she run or face it.

I believe time is working on her, like all of us, and she is feeling her memories. Home, children, family, Christmas with little children. One can not hide such memories forever. Holidays do bring the MLCers out a bit. What will she do?


DnJ - I could have written these words. My home. Simple brick and morter. But so much more. Rooms filled with memories. Although this is the 4th home we lived in as a family, it feels like I've been here almost always. I often wonder what H's home with OW feels like to him. A prison, maybe? I doubt he would use the word sanctuary, like I feel about my home. Kids are home from school now, so it's full of life and activity too.

Time is certainly working on all of us, and what we do with that time is a choice. This time of Christmas will certainly bring forth strong feelings for our MLCers. Most likely difficult feelings to deal with. So therefore they won't be dealt with.

For me, it's a time of joy. And for that, I am thankful.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2876172
12/14/19 08:52 PM
12/14/19 08:52 PM
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Posts: 998
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Gerda Offline
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DnJ, loved of course the screenplay you wrote. Juxtaposition of the two scenes. And your patience paying off.

The choice of the teens to have sex is out of our control to some degree. But I think they appreciate and will always remember how we tried to get them to hold off. It's only later that you realize why your grandma was right. But you can at least try. I taught both my kids about sex by saying that it's a sacred part of marriage and then explaining how it worked for animals and humans alike but what happens when you keep it sacred. I know that it's very unlikely they'll live by that. I certainly didn't, but now I know the bad outcomes of all of that and I appreciate that my parents and grandparents didn't let my boyfriend sleep in my room. My mom started allowing it when she had her own string of boyfriends sleeping over. Was not good for me on either front!

I am happily surprised at how my home song gift started this whole other conversation with you and Grace and we'll see who else.

Home is where the heart is, but no one can deny that your memory of home and heart is very fixed to a specific place. My grandparents' home was that for me,and to this day, when I am very nervous, I lie in bed and go through each room of the house in my mind. I remember everything, down to the wallpaper and the tchokes on the glass entry shelf. And in grad school I interviewed everyone in the family about the meaning of the house to them, I come from a pretty intellectual family so it was a really cool paper. My grandfather built the house -- he even cleared the road to it. Now that area is very wealthy. The house has been sold and torn down,but it lives in my mind til I die. I read a book some years back that confirmed my feelings on all of that -- Bachelard, The Poetics of Space. Check it out!

And yes, that is part of why I am holding on to my houses. My kids will always have a home with me and always want to be with me, but there is a physical place tied to it, and I want to keep that if I can.

Which is part of why I am thinking of backing out of the deal. But also because my L is not protecting me even from the perils of the cr@p deal I signed and is ignoring my messages for over a week. I am scared to plunge in with another lawyer but I am not sure I have another choice.

But that's for my thread.

I am so happy you like Flora Cash. I think I sent you another of their songs last year, "You're Somebody Else." Interesting actually that the message of the song was where we were last year, and this year we are at this other song. Progress.

I need to read your musings on your W with more attention, will do that later.

Last edited by job; 12/14/19 09:32 PM. Reason: edited a word

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2876340
12/16/19 02:49 PM
12/16/19 02:49 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,917
Canada
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AndrewP Online
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LOL - Thank heavens for the backspace key and the opportunity to think things through before responding wink

Given your sense of humour I can imagine that there was similar giggling going on on the other side of that conversation.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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