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A Message from Michele
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Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2872553
11/18/19 09:20 PM
11/18/19 09:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,976
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neffer Offline
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neffer  Offline
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Happy birthday DnJ!!!


WW H(me): 49
W: 45
T: 25 M: 20
S: 15
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2872566
11/18/19 10:13 PM
11/18/19 10:13 PM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 567
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Grace21 Offline
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Posts: 567
DnJ

First, Happy Birthday! Glad it was spent with family. Nothing better, in my book.

Your post expressed a lot of the thoughts I've been mulling over lately. I've had lots of ebbs and flows of clarity, acceptance, hurt, anger, joy and peace. All these emotions have their place in healing and on to a better life. I shared some very heartfelt, personal words in an e-mail to H a few weeks ago (long story how it came about, but it was in response to something about the kids). I said some things that echo your words today.

Originally Posted by DnJ
To the LBS our spouse’s MLC appears to have started at BD. However, it started much earlier, years earlier. A traumatic experience from someone in a position of authority from when the MLCer was a child is the seed. This young person does not have the coping skills to accept nor understand what happened. This is exacerbated further due to the child’s egocentric nature and they end up blaming themselves, deepened their pain and shame. They end up in a state of denial, unable to face or reconcile what happened. The event, the shame, the emotions, the pain, are all pushed deep inside and forgotten. Buried alive emotions and pain will surface later; it does not remain silent.


This is excellent. Very true. I saw the signs so many years ago, and forgave an affair in 2011. (she went crazy and we took her to court). That's a story for another time, maybe. Anyway, I think about why I hung in there so long with a sad, lost, depressed person. I'd ask him about it, but he just pushed it aside. Now he equates that to 'we didn't connect'.

I spent so many years trying to hold it all together, that I completely lost myself.

I like the me I rediscovered on my journey. Maybe a newly discovered new me, even. I just wish I could be the new me with a healed H. I can't seem to shake the feeling that it will happen some day. But I don't want that feeling to get in the way of living my life and continuing on my path. Wishful thinking is useless, isn't it?

Wishes don't change anything.

Life moves on, and evolves the way it will.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2872574
11/18/19 11:08 PM
11/18/19 11:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,899
D
DnJ Online OP
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DnJ  Online OP
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Posts: 1,899
Andrew - This young fella thanks you for the Birthday wish. smile


Gerda - Wow a present!

Originally Posted by Gerda
I had one idea but need at least one more clue

Ok. I’m 5’9” tall.

I am honoured you have faith in me enough to trust me to write to your kids. That is a very good present. Thank you.

And I like the poem.


job & neffer - Thanks for the Happy Birthday.

It brings a twinkle to this old timer's eyes. Well I remember when I was a younger lad, we use to go for groceries in the car. Which in those days were real cars - big and ate gasoline. Which was both leaded and unleaded. Kind of like how pencils had lead in them and were yellow, like mustard we used on hotdogs. Which was then an ok food to eat, like eggs, red meat, lemon cheese, which came in glass containers, jam was in a tin, oil for your car came in a tin, cookies from a tin. Which only came with or without chocolate chips, which was a real treat since you may only get about a dozen a year. Times were tough. You had to walk to school uphill both ways. I remember - there may be some snow on the roof but... I forget how the rest goes... Where was I? Oh ya - Merry Christmas!

Lol.


DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me52 XW48 S22 S21 S19 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2872583
11/19/19 12:09 AM
11/19/19 12:09 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,899
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DnJ Online OP
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DnJ  Online OP
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Posts: 1,899
Hello Grace

Yes, birthday spent with family is pretty special in my book too.

Originally Posted by Grace21
I like the me I rediscovered on my journey. Maybe a newly discovered new me, even.

I am so very glad you discovered you, and like her. She’s pretty special.

Originally Posted by Grace21
I just wish I could be the new me with a healed H. I can't seem to shake the feeling that it will happen some day. But I don't want that feeling to get in the way of living my life and continuing on my path. Wishful thinking is useless, isn't it?

Wishes don't change anything.

I do love your posts. They mirror my beliefs, challenge me, and push forward.

Your question of wishful thinking was probably rhetorical, however I am going to answer.

I do understand and empathize with that feeling of your spouse healing and wanting to return. A part wish and a part hope. It’s not totally fanciful and yet more than other hopeful things. I suspect you are like me, if you look really deep, and are honest, there is some expectation mixed in as well. I know I have some; a hopeful expectation. Shrug, it doesn’t flare up often, but it is what it is.

Does it get in the way of living? I suppose if I were wanting to do something different it would be in the way.

Seeing this as a blockage keeps one in limbo. Accepting it as part of your beliefs, allows one to realize there is something beyond limbo.

The “stand for you” goes pretty deep when you follow it into yourself.

I do like to believe everything has value and a purpose. Wishful thinking can be view differently, and can change things.

One doesn’t want to get lost in wishing their life away, that’s for sure. However, the simple acknowledgement of your wish, that desire, can lead your life, and allows you to reflect on a belief.

Why are you wishing for H to heal and you to be together? Is it based on fear? Regret? Faith? Love?

This is more than just wishing to win the lottery. This is a deep desire, the stuff of one’s belief system. And that is slow to change.

Stand for you.

For what it’s worth, I believe faith and love are your roots. Accept this wish/belief and move beyond limbo; look at it not as a blockage. Embrace this and live your life.

You and I are healed enough to stand down or continue to stand. A choice. Which need not be made in haste. Be patient, live, and your desires will slowly change. Strengthen or wither - hard to say. You still have the gift of time, use it wisely.

For me I’ve made a choice by not choosing, therefore still following the path. I have accepted that I could be in a different relationship. I have accepted that I could continue to stand. Things are sort of left to fate at the moment. Something could happen that encourages this one way or the other - like XW marrying OM for example.

This is what I have chosen for right now. Realizing this is in my control, places me behind the wheel of my “cars”.

Life is moving forward and I’m not just along for the ride.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me52 XW48 S22 S21 S19 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2872593
11/19/19 03:53 AM
11/19/19 03:53 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
Australia
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scout12 Offline
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Happy birthday, DnJ. You are a tower of strength and an inspiration. All the best for the next year of your wonderful life.


W 31 | H 29
Together 8
Married 3
S2

BD | June '19
Separation | July '19
OW confirmed | October '19
I filed | December '19

Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2872603
11/19/19 07:14 AM
11/19/19 07:14 AM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 715
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Pax_luv Offline
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Happy belated birthday, DNJ. Wishing you many blessings and lots of joy during this trip around the big ole fireball.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2872732
11/20/19 12:03 PM
11/20/19 12:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,899
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DnJ Online OP
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DnJ  Online OP
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scout - Thank you for the kind words and birthday wish. By the way, I did blow out all my candles. There wasn’t all 52 of them smile .

Pax - Thanks. I’m looking forward to another lap ‘round our closest star. I wonder what’s in store for me...


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me52 XW48 S22 S21 S19 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2872734
11/20/19 12:42 PM
11/20/19 12:42 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,899
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DnJ Online OP
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DnJ  Online OP
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Posts: 1,899
Good Morning Everyone

I had a very good birthday weekend. S22 and GF showed up on Friday night, late, after I was in bed, and forgot to mention they were coming over for the weekend. Everyone else was coming out for just Sunday party and supper. Lol.

I woke up to strange luggage and belongs in my mud room entrance. D17 was woken up in the night to the noises of strangers in the house banging around. Hahaha.

Spent Saturday with my oldest son and his girlfriend, after they finally got up. Ah to be young. I mean the ability to sleep in - gosh what are you people reading into my stories. I get up at 5:30 am for work and my internal clock awakens me on weekends the same way. My guests rose from resting around 11:00 am. smile Good thing I didn’t wait to have breakfast together.

We had breakfast/lunch, and S22 started to use the laundry facilities. His apartment charges $3 a load to wash and $2 to dry, so when he visits he brings laundry. Only three loads this time.

It was a good day. Kids walked the dogs, wandering around the yard and all the spots he use to play. We watched a couple of movies, and had a pretty well received supper - made by your’s truly. Finely diced potatoes, sautade..., sawtade..., sautéed ???, arggggg - fried to golden brown. Thinly sliced steak seared in soy sauce and spices. Served with salad.

Birthday morning was another sleep in time for the kids. Might have been a little to do with him getting into my fancy scotch; not much left since I cannot drink it anymore and I haven’t bought more.

Headed over to Mom’s at 2:00pm, and picked up Dad along the way. All four kids, two girlfriends, Mom & Dad, and me. We played cards, visited, and had a great meal - roast beef, potatoes, gravy, corn, salad, buns, pickles, etc...

Open cards (money from parents smile ) and a present. D17 got me some snacks - jerky, chips, cashews, and a photo collage of her and I when she was small. One of the pictures is me asleep in the easy boy chair with her, around 4 years old, asleep on my lap. D17 also posted that online in a Facebook birthday greeting.

I got quite a few other Birthday wishes online as well. Some of which we’re like snap chat greeting on FB; they vanish after a preset time or number of views.

This lead to a post from me and my soapbox about the value of permanence in message and friendships. I’m not looking for fleeting or vanishing in either. I write my messages with the same projected longevity as I write my friendships upon my life.

D17’s online birthday post to me captured attention from XW. She texted D17 and told her how lovely a picture that was and how nice her and Dad looked. They do look back at they old lives it would seem.

The text about the birthday greeting and XW’s wanting to meet and talk with me and D17 before the parent grad meeting are the first times she has openly mentioned me; and it’s in a positive light no less. Interesting.

Well off to work. Have a wonderful day.

DnJ

Last edited by DnJ; 11/20/19 12:45 PM.

Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me52 XW48 S22 S21 S19 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2872736
11/20/19 01:48 PM
11/20/19 01:48 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,916
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline
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AndrewP  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,916
Canada
Originally Posted by DnJ
supper - made by your’s truly. Finely diced potatoes, sautade..., sawtade..., sautéed ???, arggggg - fried to golden brown. Thinly sliced steak seared in soy sauce and spices. Served with salad.
This is turning in to quite the cooking show on this forum these days laugh


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: A Great Life #3 [Re: DnJ] #2872929
11/22/19 05:12 AM
11/22/19 05:12 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 418
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DS9 Online
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DS9  Online
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Posts: 418
Hi DnJ

Wishing you a belated happy birthday. Like others, I too found you inspirational.

Regds, DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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