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#2868649 10/17/19 07:26 PM
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Davide Offline OP
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link to old thread https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2859226&page=1

Howdy folks. It's been a little bit. I haven't been keeping up with things here for a while now. Perhaps it is a sign of moving on, perhaps it is a need to step away from the numbing regularity of the newbie stories, perhaps it is simply a sign of my own business.

In a strange twist to my story I realized in early August that my D actually hadn't gone through - what had arrived in May was not my decree but rather a request for a missing form. That was an unexpected and unwelcome surprise, to say the least. I actually discovered it while cleaning up around the house prior to a date coming over. Thankfully, it ended up being easily resolved and (I double checked!) all the paperwork went through and it became official a few weeks later.

After returning from summer trips to Alaska and Puerto Rico, I continued to date a lot, though without much success. I quickly fell for the wit and charm of one woman only to be relegated to the friend zone, while another became quite enamored of me and I battled indecision until ending it. I met a very cool young woman on one of my group bike rides, invited her to come climbing at the gym with me, and then mustered the stones to ask her out on a date.She told me she had a boyfriend! D'oh! There were lots of first dates, some good, some bad, some with great conversation, others that were clear wastes of time. Most recently I was seeing a woman a decade younger who revealed on the first date that she was still married, but separated. Later she revealed that she still lived with her ex. Later still it came out that he was (permanently?) in a wheelchair, and had been as long as they had been together (7 years).

That last experience capped a tumultuous 11 months of dating, and gave me pause. It didn't seem like I was attracting the right kind of people. I am quite skeptical of "The Secret" type New-Age mumbo-jumbo, but there seemed to be a kernel of truth in the axiom that you attract the same kind of energy that you put out, and that scared me. I also realized that dating had taken over a quite large part of my life. On one hand, that makes sense, because forming a family is an important goal in my life, but it felt out of balance.

So, I decided to take a moratorium from dating, erased all the apps from my phone, and made an internal pledge not to look at them for a month. So, October has been that gap month. It is a chance to focus on myself, to strengthen friendships, and to enjoy the other aspects of life.

Unfortunately it got off to a rough start. In September I had a biking accident that left me unable to walk without crutches for 4 days, a misdiagnosis of a fracture in my ankle, and eventually a bad bone bruise which limited my activity for a few weeks. That was followed by a bout of tendonitis in my elbow which left me unable to climb for another two weeks. Between the injuries, the dating failures, and probably some amount of doom and gloom due to an impending birthday, I fell into a pretty bad depressive episode. For two weeks, it was a struggle to motivate myself to do anything. It felt like my mind was on a one-way railroad track down a dark tunnel. I forced myself to go out on group bike rides, but literally rode alone trailing the back of the group because I couldn't handle talking to anyone. I even went on what should have been a spectacular white-water rafting trip in West Virginia with an old hs friend. We camped for two nights, shot the [censored], rafted all day, hiked in a beautiful gorge. But I still couldn't shake the dark cloud. I went weeks without speaking to family. My house became a disaster area, and I battled simply to tread water at work. I nearly wrote on here, but quite frankly the idea of receiving 2x4s was really disheartening. I know how privileged my life is and has been, and how common and insignificant my problems are in the scheme of things, but none of that made my depression any less real, any less crippling.

My friend on the rafting/camping trip had just lost out in the final round for an extremely lucrative job opportunity that is unlikely to present itself again, and had been battling his own issues. He recommended a podcast "The Happiness Lab" by a Yale psychology professor. I listened to a few episodes and was relatively unimpressed, but there was one episode which spoke to me - about the psychological need to socialize, to share moments and connect with other people. Ultimately, I think that is what helped me emerge from the fog of depression. I was feeling better and could finally start climbing at the gym again. For me, that is an intensely social activity. Not only do I have friends who I often see there, but almost every time I end up talking with someone new about a problem (a route in climbing parlance) or best beta (strategy) for attacking the wall. Even though I ran into my ex two consecutive sessions at the gym, it was like spinach for my soul. Perhaps it is also because I can see the progress in my climbing. Despite missing 3 out 4 weeks due to injuries I have been climbing better than ever, topping a number of v6 routes which is far from normal. In fact, for my birthday in early November, rather than planning a party or a night at a bar, I'm trying to put together a trip out to the mountains to climb for the day.

I'm once again starting my days with a quick reflection of gratitude for all the positives in my life, and I'm finding joy and fun in many of my interactions at school. My yoga practice has been a rock for me throughout all of this, and I have kept that as a necessity for my self-care. Since I am not dating I am finding it easier to get more sleep, to eat healthier, and to limit my consumption of alcohol to weekends.

I don't know that this is the rosy picture that so many others paint in their updates. Nor is it a cry for help. I am okay with the fact that I'm going to have ups and downs along the way in this process, and I think it is important to acknowledge that. I appreciate all the support that I have received on these boards over the years, and hopefully someone can get something out of my story to help them along their way.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Davide #2868674 10/17/19 09:29 PM
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Good to hear from you buddy.

I really like your posts, you have a cool perspective.

Quote
I am quite skeptical of "The Secret" type New-Age mumbo-jumbo, but there seemed to be a kernel of truth in the axiom that you attract the same kind of energy that you put out, and that scared me.


I've heard that a lot and I don't know how true it is or is not. Don't opposites attract too? I dunno, it's obviously complicated. But I kinda think this is true. It's like, until you're healthy, you don't know what you want and what you like. When you're hurt still, everything looks good and you're more likely to overlook things. I know that's true for me, because I've looked back and wondered what I was doing with someone before. So you're doing "Sober October" except it's sobriety from dating! Good for you.

I think the yoga is a good thing. I wouldn't have started it if it weren't for you talking about it.

MWD, along with many others, have a slew of info on dealing with depression. Have you read much of it? It sounds like you're out of that funk. Are you healed up physically?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Davide #2869026 10/21/19 06:32 PM
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Hey Ovr!

Yeah, it is a version of Sober October, and I have cut down on my alcohol intake as well, so the description fits. Regarding the idea of attracting bad energy, when I met my ex a decade ago I was depressed and coming off of a bad breakup, so I guess it isn't always true, but I do want to be dating for the right reasons - sharing strengths, rather than trying to paper over weaknesses.

Physically I am doing much better - I'm still dealing with aches and moans - tendinitis and strains that come with being older and as active as I am, but I can still do the things that I want to. I have worked with a therapist regarding depression already, a lot of CBT strategies, so I have some tools in my belt. Honestly, nothing really helped this time other than persevering through the episode, forcing myself to be active as possible, and letting time take care of it. I definitely feel like I have come out the other side, which is a relief.

I am wondering if I should change my online dating philosophy as well. Previously, I met up with most women whom I conversed with for a first date - if the conversation kept going and was relatively engaging I was up for meeting and generally suggested it within a week or two. However, I rarely reached out for second dates. The first date was the crux point. Sometimes it was clear that neither of us were interested, but often it was my call not to pursue it further because I didn't feel a romantic connection. There have been a few people with whom I hit it off right off the bat online and there was a spark even in our conversation prior to meeting, but these were few and far between. I am wondering if I might be better off being more selective, and holding out for those connections. Even they are no guarantee of physical chemistry, but they would save me a bunch of time and money that I have invested in first dates that led nowhere.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Davide #2869142 10/22/19 02:45 PM
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Hey man! sounds like a bumpy ride but you're still hanging in there.

About the dating scene, it's good you're taking a break from it. I don't think a dating blitz has been working out in your favor and it definitely is time to re-evaluate it. If I were you, I would try to have more conversations with women IRL without the expectation for anything. Just even some chit chat at the yoga class, grocery store etc. I think it pays to be more selective when you know what you want. Also, I am sure your wallet will be glad that you're not doling out $$$$. Those first dates add up I am sure.

I haven't been in the dating scene just yet and I am trying to talk to women more IRL and improve my communication and social skills. I know that I clean up real nice in person more than online, and I've had a few women who expressed some interest, but I wasn't ready so I just let it slide.

Take some time off for yourself and breathe. There's always other aspects of life that need attention and maybe just focus on that for now.


No one is coming to save you!

Davide #2906100 10/18/20 10:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Davide
Hey Ovr!

Yeah, it is a version of Sober October, and I have cut down on my alcohol intake as well, so the description fits. Regarding the idea of attracting bad energy, when I met my ex a decade ago I was depressed and coming off of a bad breakup, so I guess it isn't always true, but I do want to be dating for the right reasons - sharing strengths, rather than trying to paper over weaknesses.

Physically I am doing much better - I'm still dealing with aches and moans - tendinitis and strains that come with being older and as active as I am, but I can still do the things that I want to. I have worked with a therapist regarding depression already, a lot of CBT strategies, so I have some tools in my belt. Honestly, nothing really helped this time other than persevering through the episode, forcing myself to be active as possible, and letting time take care of it. I definitely feel like I have come out the other side, which is a relief.

I am wondering if I should change my online dating philosophy as well. Previously, I met up with most women whom I conversed with for a first date - if the conversation kept going and was relatively engaging I was up for meeting and generally suggested it within a week or two. However, I rarely reached out for second dates. The first date was the crux point. Sometimes it was clear that neither of us were interested, but often it was my call not to pursue it further because I didn't feel a romantic connection. There have been a few people with whom I hit it off right off the bat online and there was a spark even in our conversation prior to meeting, but these were few and far between. I am wondering if I might be better off being more selective, and holding out for those connections. Even they are no guarantee of physical chemistry, but they would save me a bunch of time and money that I have invested in first dates that led nowhere.

David, just found your posts. I'm pretty new hear, joined about 2 months ago. The principles of DB are finally settling in, and it's been a year from me since D-Day. The divorce is chugging along.

Would you mind checking out my original post and providing some perspective? Steve85 said that you are a success story. Thanks.

OP:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2905366&page=1

Current:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2906087&#Post2906087

Davide #2906175 10/19/20 03:48 PM
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Hi Davide. Nice to hear from you. Glad you are through the worst of your depression and are finding joy in your activities again. RE: dating. I, too, had a lot of first dates. Most of them I already had a feeling we would not be a match before we went out but I persevered because I didn’t necessarily trust my gut feeling. If you want to minimize the chances you are going to go on a date with a dud, I would encourage you to have some phone conversations with someone first rather than limit it to text. I met my bf a month after we started talking (we live a distance apart). He stood out to me from the get go because ten minutes into our online conversation, he asked me if he could call me on WhatsApp so we could talk. This was really unusual... most guys I had met seemed content to text. Texting doesn’t necessarily reveal whether or not there would be a spark. I found that people often present differently via text than they do in person. They have time to craft text responses and, honestly, you also don’t know if you are texting with that person or with them and someone else who happens to be in the room at the time. Telephone calls are much closer to what it would be like with that person IRL. You can tell a lot more about a person when you hear their voice and their responses to you are in real time. I knew after ten minutes of talking to my bf that we had something. We talked for over an hour non-stop and it was effortless... and it wasn’t just me asking questions and him answering. The effort to get to know each other was on both sides. Anyway...by the time we met in person, we both knew that unless one of us completely misrepresented ourselves physically(old pictures, etc...), we would hit it off. We did and we have been seeing each other exclusively for the last six weeks. Early days but so far so good. Anyway...when you decide to get back on the horse, so to speak, try to have phone calls with people. I think that will help you to weed people out before you invest time and expense into multiple first dates. Good luck!!


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