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phnix #2868259 10/14/19 07:01 PM
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I have consulted a lawyer and he gave me advice on what I should do. She has been really concerned about me moving on and possibly meeting someone else.

Can't understand why that would bother her. Its almost like a game with her and I am exhausted with playing the game.

phnix #2868273 10/14/19 08:08 PM
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B,

Because you’re plan B if it doesn’t work out with OM. She wants a safe place to fall if it all comes crashing down.

phnix #2868450 10/16/19 04:39 PM
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Struggling a good bit the past couple of days. Been trying to avoid her as much as possible and stay busy. She has sent me text messages instead and has mentioned a lot of truth in her messages.

She claims she has never felt this connected to anyone in her life. That we have never had this kind of connection. She admits to having strong feelings for him. I have asked her to move out and find another place but she hasn't budged at all.

I almost dread coming home everyday and seeing her. Should I leave and stay somewhere else for a few days or a couple of weeks? I do not think she will file or move forward because she has too much on her plate with her job. I truly think she wants me to do everything and she wants me to make the decision to leave her or file for divorce.

phnix #2868456 10/16/19 05:12 PM
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Do not leave the house and definitely do not do it without speaking to a lawyer.

I can’t believe the things she tells you. Blows my mind.

phnix #2868462 10/16/19 05:26 PM
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Nothing new under the sun. I was there, I had those feelings. Affair fog is a strong drug.

Keep walking your road of respect and decency. Get into AMOAFWL.

Respect!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
phnix #2868463 10/16/19 05:28 PM
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I'd be just about ready to block her. Those texts are disturbing. If things were so good with OM why would she not be chomping at the bit to move out and start her dream life with him?

Don't believe a word out of her mouth.

Originally Posted by bballer1
She claims she has never felt this connected to anyone in her life. That we have never had this kind of connection.


You probably need to not have any kind of convo like this with her. It is not good at all IMO.

Originally Posted by bballer1
Should I leave and stay somewhere else for a few days or a couple of weeks? I do not think she will file or move forward because she has too much on her plate with her job. I truly think she wants me to do everything and she wants me to make the decision to leave her or file for divorce.

Y'all have kids, don't move out. That could be bad in the court's view!

As for her having "too much on her plate" with her job, that's not true. If she wanted to file she could. She is lazy, that's MO for a lot of wayward spouses. Don't do anything with regards to filing for divorce until you know for sure what you want to do.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
phnix #2868568 10/17/19 12:16 PM
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I agree with Ovr and Neffer, don't move out as that will put you in a poor position for negotiating S and D terms, and especially visitation. I understand it's miserable being under the same roof, if you've really had enough then talk to a L and sort out where you need to go from here. If S or D requires selling the house then cross that bridge when you have to.

One other reason to not move out- there's a high likelihood your W will move OM in right behind you, or at least have him over for extended visits even with the kids there. It has happened here more than once.


Originally Posted by bballer1
She has sent me text messages instead and has mentioned a lot of truth in her messages.

She claims she has never felt this connected to anyone in her life. That we have never had this kind of connection. She admits to having strong feelings for him.


Why do you let her send you that garbage? I would tell her not to send any texts to you unless they are about the kids, and if she keeps sending you love letters about OM then you will block her. Don't put up with it!

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I do not think she will file or move forward because she has too much on her plate with her job. I truly think she wants me to do everything and she wants me to make the decision to leave her or file for divorce.


You are probably right, unless OM ends up leaving his W, and then she'll probably want to leave and move in with him. Unfortunately that will likely have to happen before they come out of the "affair fog". Right now they're caught up in dreamy visions of a Romeo and Juliet forbidden romance, and neither of them have really had to deal with much fallout from what they've done. Until they hit rock bottom things are unlikely to change.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
phnix #2868577 10/17/19 01:18 PM
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I agree she will probably end up moving in with him. She is looking for another job but I doubt she will follow through with it. She is only looking for another job to get out of her current situation and this would allow her to be with him. All of this takes time so it is important for me to detach and not speculate.

I’ve realized there is no figuring her out. The only thing that is certain is that she doesn’t want to be with me. I guess we will know for sure once his divorce is final but that could take months to happen.

I truly think my only chance of reconciling and healing is to let her go. Divorce is hard but it may be the best option for me to heal and grow.

phnix #2869165 10/22/19 04:45 PM
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Well the weekend went well. I spent time with my son and we went out to eat and watched a football game. I have set some boundaries the past couple days.

Boundaries:
Will not discuss AP and work related items.
Will not allow her to blame me for her unhappiness and feeling neglected for years. Re-writing of our history. I have decided to walk away when this is brought up during dinner etc...
I've asked her to stop using my bathroom. This triggers times that she would go into the bathroom and stay for 30mins while she was messaging the AP.
I've asked her not to hang out in my bed or bedroom while being on her phone and then leaving at 9:00 to go into the other room. In the past she would do this and while in the room she would message him from 9:00 - 10:00.
I will continue to set boundaries to protect my feelings and not allow her behavior to trigger or hurt me. It's been a slow process but she has no clue what she wants or what she is doing. The AP will soon be divorced within the next couple of weeks and I'm sure they will begin to be physical again at some point.

AS long as I set boundaries going forward then I can help protect m y sanity while living in the same house with her.

Sunday just before my son and I were going to go to church she would not let him leave with me. She then took my car keys and would not let me leave either. She claims us attending church in our small town only helps further people talking about what has happened and it makes her look bad. She wants the chatter to calm down and go away so she can get back to scheming and slipping around with him. Eventually I've got to issue an ultimatum as I can't continue to live like this.

phnix #2869171 10/22/19 05:39 PM
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I've asked her to stop using my bathroom. This triggers times that she would go into the bathroom and stay for 30mins while she was messaging the AP.
I've asked her not to hang out in my bed or bedroom while being on her phone and then leaving at 9:00 to go into the other room. In the past she would do this and while in the room she would message him from 9:00 - 10:00.

Just remember to have a plan in case she decides to take a crap on you and not give you this space, because ultimately it's her house too and you can't lock her out.

Quote
Sunday just before my son and I were going to go to church she would not let him leave with me. She then took my car keys and would not let me leave either. She claims us attending church in our small town only helps further people talking about what has happened and it makes her look bad.

I hope you took your son and left. This is unacceptable to allow her to control you. Her looking bad is on her, you do what you want to do.

Issuing the ultimatum won't be as important as showing her something new.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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