* W is wanting to move from the place she is renting and get her own place. I think not living on the same street will be a good thing, but it started making me wonder if I wanted to sell the house or not. It's good to have options. * Went to a concert out of town this past Sunday and my W ended up coming over to get more dog food from the garage without my consent. She ended up snooping through my bedroom (in effort to find a pair of pajamas she was missing, so she said). She ended up finding an adult novelty item I purchased online, and another women's pajamas in one of my drawers. Sent a text saying we needed to talk. We talked. Both things upset her and I said - 1) we are separated and I can purchase whatever I want 2) why the F where you in my bedroom w/o my consent? She said she was just amazed how fast I seemed to move on. I felt like saying: I run the dog every morning at 615am and listen to self help/repair videos while doing that, I chat on this forum, I've read 5 books on divorce recovery, and I have a good bunch of friends that have listened to me process all the pain this year. Instead, I said, things will all work out eventually.
This being said - I can't say I am wanting to see her for Thanksgiving and tomorrow is her birthday.
* She text me today and asked me to bring my son his lunch at school as he forgot it. Told her I'd make one and take it to him. She replied back and said she had to buy new bedroom furniture. Replied: that sounds exciting. She said, its really tough as she couldn't afford it and had to finance it over 4 years. Replied: I understand. This separation is extremely difficult. She replied back: I don't think you do, especially since Christmas is coming, but whatever. I told her: the holidays just seem to amplify all the difficult feelings. I am feeling I am getting good at validation! At first I didn't understand validation but now I see, one of it's chief benefits is to prevent you from getting sucked into their world. I am still also feeling like to her, I am NOTHING more than a missing paycheck. * W did mention she has begun dating too. This, to be honest, hearing that was like a kick to the balls. I actually mustered up the strength to say, I think its good to get out there and just enjoy herself. She mentioned I was doing that too. I wanted to say: the girl I went to the concert with and I had an amazing time. We drove 3 hours to the venue and just talked, we had an amazing dinner before the show, she bought me 2 concert shirts and I bought 2 rounds of beers. We sang, and laughed and man, it was just amazing. We held hands leaving the venue. It's absolutely amazing to have the respect of a woman again. She said it was the best date she has went on in her life. If you get a chance to see TOOL live in concert, please do so. OMG what a show.
The experience left me thinking something my Dad said about my ex and I: Love should not be that hard. I appreciate all you are trying to do son, but love should not be that hard.
I think your W dating is her reaction to your "dating".
I'm torn as to whether you getting out there and seeing other women is helping or hurting you. Your W obviously cares what you're up to, or she wouldn't be discussing your dating or snooping through your room. You can do what you want, but what's the deal with the pajamas you're hanging on to?
I think you really need to come up with a plan and stick to it. You've been back and forth from LRT, to "dating", to standing, to pursuing. Let's figure out what you really want and go from there.
I still think you are learning and growing a lot BTW, but I'm not sure what direction you're wanting to go and it's confusing me.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
She ended up finding an adult novelty item I purchased online, and another women's pajamas in one of my drawers. Sent a text saying we needed to talk. We talked. Both things upset her and I said - 1) we are separated and I can purchase whatever I want 2) why the F where you in my bedroom w/o my consent? She said she was just amazed how fast I seemed to move on.
Well she certainly avoided your questions didn't she! I'd be inclined to change the locks. Last thing you want is her "accidentally" walking in while you are entertaining a lady.
Quote
This being said - I can't say I am wanting to see her for Thanksgiving and tomorrow is her birthday.
Then don't. Is someone twisting your arm?
Quote
She replied back and said she had to buy new bedroom furniture. Replied: that sounds exciting. She said, its really tough as she couldn't afford it and had to finance it over 4 years. Replied: I understand. This separation is extremely difficult. She replied back: I don't think you do, especially since Christmas is coming, but whatever. I told her: the holidays just seem to amplify all the difficult feelings. I am feeling I am getting good at validation!
You are indeed, short and to the point but they are validating comments so it keeps things nice and neutral. Good job!
Quote
At first I didn't understand validation but now I see, one of it's chief benefits is to prevent you from getting sucked into their world.
EXACTLY! Plus it helps her to feel like you are listening to her and not just dismissing her.
Quote
* W did mention she has begun dating too.
Of course! She's upset that you are moving on so quickly, but it's perfectly fine for her to do so. WAS's are amazing.
Quote
The experience left me thinking something my Dad said about my ex and I: Love should not be that hard. I appreciate all you are trying to do son, but love should not be that hard.
Love can be hard to maintain, and it's important that BOTH parties do their part to keep it alive. We are all here because we AND our spouses let it slip away, and unfortunately our spouses decided to quit rather than put any effort in to rekindle it.
I think your W dating is her reaction to your "dating".
I'm torn as to whether you getting out there and seeing other women is helping or hurting you. Your W obviously cares what you're up to, or she wouldn't be discussing your dating or snooping through your room. You can do what you want, but what's the deal with the pajamas you're hanging on to?
I think you really need to come up with a plan and stick to it. You've been back and forth from LRT, to "dating", to standing, to pursuing. Let's figure out what you really want and go from there.
I still think you are learning and growing a lot BTW, but I'm not sure what direction you're wanting to go and it's confusing me.
So, I've been only seeing one girl every 7-10 days or so. She brought PJ's over once and left them. I put them in a drawer. If I thought I had a remote shot with getting back together with my wife, I'd be all in, but she's never expressed interest even once directly (and maybe directly is the key word here). She wont date me, won't go to a brewery with me, wont sit on the porch to talk, but she will do that with someone else other than me. It's like, when LRT is in effect, we are both living parallel lives - but the second another car is in the driveay or someones PJ's are in a drawer, that becomes a huge issue as to why we can no longer reconcile. It's like she doesn't want to end things...she wants ME to create a reason for her to run away. Am I to wait indefinitely for her to wake up? F No. I am not her plan B. She wants to be gone? Enjoy the lifestyle that comes with it. She doesn't seem to want to grasp that.
You put ammo in your W's gun by seeing this lady, having her over, and storing her PJs. If your W is pissed and says that to your kids, she's not lying. Now I know she cheated too but does that make it OK to you?
There's no way you're over your W so dating is strictly to fill sexual needs and make you feel desired right?
Quote
..she wants ME to create a reason for her to run away
Right. Why give her that?
Why not show her a strong, principled man who is her best possible option?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Yep - she has filed. I agree I’m not over her. I do really enjoy spending time with this new person, but the past few days , I’ve noticed she’s not completely healed from her last R either. She and I did spend Thanksgiving together and went out the last few days. Objectively thinking, I feel like I need to be more comfortable being on my own and start each day asking what do I need to make myself happy?
I’ve been doing really well with LRT. I didn’t text her on her birthday nor on Thanksgiving.
W did ask yesterday about whether we should get the kids Christmas gifts together or separate. I also realized yesterday that we were 6 months separated as of 12/1. Both made me really emotional and didn’t respond to her.
Today, she sent me this:
Ok. Since you aren’t communicating with me about Christmas, I will go ahead and start getting a few things for them. Also, now that you are staying with GF a lot, maybe you can move in with her so the kids and I can have their home back. Last thing, can you please get S12 tomorrow night and Thursday night from either xyz or the gym? Not sure which, yet, but I will let you know. Please at least let me know you got this.
I replied back that I could get S12 and that I was thinking about Christmas and let her know something ASAP. I didn’t touch her little GF jab.
I **wanted** to say: I really feel like you just want your old life back but without me in it. I know you’re hurting, but I feel like nothing more than a missing paycheck to you. When you separated from me and moved out, you discarded me as a husband and you gave up your right to live in our home.
I think her points are legitimate and fair. It doesn't seem she is being mean either so that's good.
If you were on an even keel and showed her some consistency I think that would help. You having this lady around hurts your chance with your W in my opinion. Your W wanting to be "home" would be a great thing if this gal you're seeing was not in the picture. By not responding to that text I think you hurt rather than helped the sitch. That was a little opportunity for you to do something positive together with your W. Who knows if that would have been a good stepping stone or nothing at all but it wouldn't have been negative. I heard Michele on a podcast say "Is the thing I'm about to say (or do) going to help or hurt my situation"? Think about your responses that way.
That response you wanted to say is just vindictive. She hurt you so you'll hurt her. Do you remember the chapter "It takes One to Tango"? You can start positive changes in her if you decide to change your interactions. Don't show her your pain. Work on your pain in your time and keep it there
Try being detached a little more, and push through your emotions to do the right thing. I hope that doesn't come off as too cold, you're a good guy and you can get through this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Not cold at all, ovrrnbw. I didn't respond to the text because I could get to a non-emotional state over it. I did mention today that I would let her know something about Christmas.
I agree my response was vindictive. I am still mad she snooped through my bedroom stuff.
I wish I could somehow eloquently say to her that it's evident she wants to come back home. I wish we could somehow work towards that, but that's persuit....
I think her points are legitimate and fair. It doesn't seem she is being mean either so that's good.
You don't think so? I think she's being quite mean and petty. Examples:
Quote
Replied: I understand. This separation is extremely difficult. She replied back: I don't think you do, especially since Christmas is coming, but whatever.
He validates, she throws it in his face.
Quote
Ok. Since you aren’t communicating with me about Christmas, I will go ahead and start getting a few things for them.
Snotty, vindictive reply less than 24 hours after she sent the original text.
Quote
Also, now that you are staying with GF a lot, maybe you can move in with her so the kids and I can have their home back.
She snoops through his drawers, finds some mystery pajamas and instantly accuses him of "staying with GF a lot" when she doesn't know anything at all. And move in with her? Really? So that the kids and her adulterous a$$ can move back into the house? Funny how when she has an affair it's perfectly fine and just her moving on to a "better life". But he has someone over and suddenly he's scum of the earth and needs to vacate the family home. I think she's being a whiny, entitled brat. Now I'm not saying he should be engaging in an affair himself, I do agree that if he's standing for his M that dating should be set aside for now. But I don't think his W is being "fair" at all.
