Some news - she mentioned this morning she'd like to talk to a therapist about learning how to communicate better as parents for our children. I had the name of a recommended therapist and made an appointment for later on in the week. We are going to try a few sessions to see if we can improve things.
I'm trying to keep my repair work thoughts in check and remain detached.
Went to a Solutions Focused therapist and he was awesome. W doesn't have enough motivation to do marital recovery work yet. The therapist asked on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest) how motivated we were to work on the marriage. I said 8, and she said 1.
He advised against doing recovery work, structure our separation better ( I commented that it couldn't be more unstructured), and try to have weekly business meetings. He also stated that she's harboring a lot of long term pain/resentment that isn't healthy to hold on to. She hasn't been happy for a very long time.
I feel a lot of our issues have just been reactions to negative behaviors. I spent a lot of time things - how did we really get here **originally**. We've spent countless time going around the EA -> BD -> flooding/arguing-> Separation -> dating/jealousy
What's sticking in my mind the most: I think she finally became exhausted by our lack of connection and her attempts to resolve it (which fell on deaf ears).
I think it's very positive to work together with her to be better co-parents, even if you aren't working on the MR. My W and I had (and still have) serious problems conducting our co-parenting relationship, and the sessions we have had have been invaluable. Still a work in progress.
Your therapist sounds awesome. His advice about no recovery work right now is golden. If your W has a lot of resentment and is at a 1/10, it will only be counter-productive. If you keep going to the sessions, R talk may periodically come up, and you will be tempted to dive in earnestly. Remember the approach you are taking now - take a back seat, just be an awesome dad and co-parent as best as you can and keep working on yourself. Your W's resentment is something she is going to have to deal with and manage on her own. You can't fix it.
Hhhmmm, I think the therapy may have been just for the opportunity for her to squash you by saying she has an interest level of 1. Since yours was an 8, she knows you're still interested.
I'd let her go to therapy by herself.
It cant be that hard to communicate over the kids, prolly more a matter of can you get along when doing it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
W came over to talk kids schedule and I slipped into a R talk. She mentioned that she's going away for a weekend on the 15th - and rather than wish her a good time, I started asking where, with who etc? I reiterated she still has a place in our home. She left not wanting to talk about the relationship and I felt like I was slipping into a depression! Her living a few houses down is not a good thing. I am thinking we coordinate the kids schedule via email for a while as it'll allow me to more carefully construct responses. I just feel like a failure whenever I talk to her.
I went for a run, cleaned out my garage and met with S12 who stated he'd spend more time here if I were positive and didn't keep beer in the fridge. I agreed and he said lets talk more during the week. D15 is still not answering calls and texts. Heard from one of her best friend's parents that she's just hurting a lot from us separating and me having a perceived girlfriend. I'm going to try focusing more on the kids as advised. Small steps.
This waiting for the WW to come around some day is incredibly difficult. She actually voiced today she is angry she had to move out of her own house and has no idea where she's going to be living in March when her current place is no longer an option. She's mad I moved on so quickly too. I reminded her she was the one who had an EA for 7 months beforehand (again, failed to validate her). She replies - there you go again, always making yourself to be the fn victim.
Going to re-read some of sandi's posts and grow a pair.
Read a bunch of sandi2's posts and have some renewed faith in myself. Objectively, a lot of her staments have shown zero remorse for her actions. She has no respect for me and, from what I've seen, I am liitle more than a missing paycheck.
* Learn validation without eliciting an emotional response. * Try to use email to coordinate kids until I can stand on my own 2 feet in a conversation with her without losing my backbone. I'd like to say this is a boundary. * GAL, GAL, GAL. Actually **do** some new things this week. * S12 said seeing beer in the fridge turns him away. I emptied the 3 remaining bottles and told him a promise not to have any more in house.
* Try to use email to coordinate kids until I can stand on my own 2 feet in a conversation with her without losing my backbone. I'd like to say this is a boundary.
I initiated "Primary Communication by Email".
One of the best things I did.
Draft up an email. Send it. Send her a text:"I sent you an email"
Some helpful phrases:
"Help reduce confusion" "I believe it is best for us to communicate via Email." "Keep it about the kids" "Negotiate exceptions to standard parenting schedule"
You can always run emails past us for input BEFORE sending/responding.....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Read a bunch of sandi2's posts and have some renewed faith in myself. Objectively, a lot of her staments have shown zero remorse for her actions. She has no respect for me and, from what I've seen, I am liitle more than a missing paycheck.
* Learn validation without eliciting an emotional response. * Try to use email to coordinate kids until I can stand on my own 2 feet in a conversation with her without losing my backbone. I'd like to say this is a boundary. * GAL, GAL, GAL. Actually **do** some new things this week. * S12 said seeing beer in the fridge turns him away. I emptied the 3 remaining bottles and told him a promise not to have any more in house.
I need to apply some tough love.
Good post.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
S12 said seeing beer in the fridge turns him away. I emptied the 3 remaining bottles and told him a promise not to have any more in house.
What's that about? Something just strikes that as "off" to me. Is there a history of alcoholism with you or his mom or someone in his life? Why would simply seeing beer in a refrigerator - and evidently only 3 bottles on top of it - turn a 12 year old away. I don't get it - at least in the absence of some other history that involves alcohol abuse. Or was this just an excuse? If so, you'll soon find out if he comes up with something else.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
