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A Message from Michele
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Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2868195
10/14/19 06:28 AM
10/14/19 06:28 AM
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rooskers Offline OP
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D13 had her scheduled visit and it went better than all the rest. Huge relief, but XW still doesn't know how to interact with D13 and doesn't respect any of her boundaries or wishes.

-D13 was not happy because at drop off I hugged her, smiled, and waved (at D13 only) because that is what she wanted but boy did it not sit well with XW. I tried not to pay attention but XW kept shooting me glares that could have turned Medusa to stone. I ignored her glares and kept smiling and waving to D13 because she says it helps her. D13 said XW was angry, cold, and scowling for at least the next 10 minutes after that. XW still believes D13's love should be a competition I would guess but who knows.

-XW picked her up and D13 noticed they weren't going to XW new place so D13 asked where they were going and XW said "I want to take you to the park." D13 was kinda mad because she wasn't feeling well and just wanted to lay down and relax but XW didn't ask or give her the option.

-XW continues to barrage her with questions about what she does with me but I am never to be brought up in the conversation.

-D13 told her she would like to do this craft project with pillows and XW bought all the stuff with her two visits ago but each time D13 brings it up XW dismisses it. D13 has given up on asking to do the craft project with her.

-One of the addictions or mental issues XW has is the constant need to work out (when we were together she literally couldn't touch me if she hadn't worked out). Her workout friends are the ones that have become her new "family" and they encouraged her to leave the marriage and family. D13 said she does not wish to associate with them but XW again asked D13 if she would like to go to the gym with her. I laugh because they only have one full day together every 2 weeks and XW wants to use that time to take D13 to the gym? The one place D13 doesn't want to ever go and people she doesn't want to be with and that is what XW brings up.

And yes I did say this has been the best visitation so far frown Oh well, I had homemade chicken noodle soup for D13 when she got home and the next day took her to the mall with a friend to go dress shopping for the school dance coming up.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2868260
10/14/19 07:01 PM
10/14/19 07:01 PM
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kas99 Offline
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Going to be snarky.

Quote
D13 said XW was angry, cold, and scowling for at least the next 10 minutes after that.


XW is jealous that the world doesn't revolve around her.

Quote
-XW picked her up and D13 noticed they weren't going to XW new place so D13 asked where they were going and XW said "I want to take you to the park." D13 was kinda mad because she wasn't feeling well and just wanted to lay down and relax but XW didn't ask or give her the option.


And the world revolves around her again.

Quote
-XW continues to barrage her with questions about what she does with me but I am never to be brought up in the conversation.


And again.


-
Quote
D13 told her she would like to do this craft project with pillows and XW bought all the stuff with her two visits ago but each time D13 brings it up XW dismisses it. D13 has given up on asking to do the craft project with her.


And again.

Quote
-XW wants to use that time to take D13 to the gym?


.....and you guessed it her again.

Last edited by kas99; 10/14/19 07:02 PM.
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2868262
10/14/19 07:06 PM
10/14/19 07:06 PM
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Posts: 224
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rooskers Offline OP
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From Ready2Change in another thread.

Quote
Stop judging her. How hard is it for you to change your behavior? How much harder do you think it is to change someone elses behavior? She is not going to change until you change the way you interact with her. Even then, it will take her significantly longer. Why? Because you KNOW you need to change and she does not know she has to change. You have a whole team of people supporting you. She does not.


I love reading R2C advice and really looking at myself deeply. It is very difficult to not judge how my XW treats D13. I journal here about it but do not engage XW ever about any of it. D13 has a therapist who works with her and I try to just listen to D13 when she talks about it and give advice only sparingly.

The most difficult thing for me is I am not sure what I need to change about myself. I am not sure what the 180's should be or the big changes I need to make for myself.

-I am learning to listen better and take off my hat as a teacher when I am home with D13.
-I am reading self improvement books but have always read these and tried to implement portions of them in my life.
-I have added more exercise to my life, but don't feel I have to go to the gym to get "ripped".
-I have scaled back the work schedule in my life to spend more time with D13 but I had been making those changes for a couple years now. XW complained I didn't work when I was a stay at home dad but then was upset I didn't spend time with her when I did work?
-I have been working on not procrastinating. Example I have been putting off fixing all the leaking faucets in the house so couple weekends ago I just got it done.
-I have definitely been working on not letting my job stress me out as much.
-I have really tried to alter my communication style to include a lot more validation.
-I am learning to forgive myself.
-I am learning to forgive my XW.

Well Rooskers you just wrote a huge list of changes so why are you asking this, because I have always been working on these things. XW never complained about much in our R and when she did, like the working to much, I tried to make the necessary changes. She said I was too controlling of the finances so I let her take over the finances. Friends, family, and, coworkers said she never said anything negative about me and was always thankful for all of my contributions. The only exception to that is when she was having her first affair and possible second affair I was completely demonized. I look inward and try to reflect as much as I can on my 50% and can certainly see lots of things I could have improved on but I also realize there was no way I could have been perfect. I guess it just hurts when I reflect back the biggest complaint which she shared with her counselor during the first affair and with D13, was that I didn't build D13's crib when she was pregnant. If I could turn back time I would have built the crib a thousand times but I don't think it would have made a difference.

After second BD she said she didn't love me, broke up with me a long time ago, had been faking it for years, didn't want to tell me the reasons, wanted a divorce, never wanted to see me again, never wanted me to call her, for me to raise D13 but let her see her sometimes, and then she left. So I gave her the space she wanted, the divorce she wanted, am raising D13 like she wanted, and all I receive is utter hatred from her. D13 says that XW believes I am the most horrible, disgusting, nasty human being on the planet. Last time I tried to fight by talking, MC, working on our love languages, begging, pleading, working on just me and a whole host of other things but this time I fought by just letting her go. In some way I feel as if I have hurt XW so deeply that she felt forced to just walk away to start a "clean slate" as she put it. It is hard that I feel like the person I loved most in my life, other than D13, I some how hurt that badly and have no idea what I did.

I am sure there is some women's group that would read this and say "typical stupid male ego, they never know what they do and deserve what they get." Well all I can say to that is I am willing to learn but never deserved any of this and neither did my daughter.

For whoever reads this, thank you for listening.


Last edited by rooskers; 10/14/19 07:13 PM.

1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2868277
10/14/19 08:38 PM
10/14/19 08:38 PM
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rooskers Offline OP
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kas99 you made my day with your post. Why can't I really see her behavior until some puts it that clearly to me.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2868287
10/14/19 09:54 PM
10/14/19 09:54 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,478
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Originally Posted by rooskers
For whoever reads this, thank you for listening.
My Pleasure.



Quote
The most difficult thing for me is I am not sure what I need to change about myself.
The beautiful thing is, you can change whatever you want.

One way to make changes: Your emotions are there to help guide your changes. Most people blame external things rather than self reflect. Next time you get frustrated with anybody, recognize that you are frustrated, Internally forgive them, shift into compassionate listening mode, and focus hard on understanding the other person.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: 22 years gone [Re: Ready2Change] #2868338
10/15/19 05:15 PM
10/15/19 05:15 PM
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kas99 Offline
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Quote
One way to make changes: Your emotions are there to help guide your changes. Most people blame external things rather than self reflect. Next time you get frustrated with anybody, recognize that you are frustrated, Internally forgive them, shift into compassionate listening mode, and focus hard on understanding the other person.


I sound like a hypocrite when I give advice only because I can't make this stick (yet).

My WAH left because of me. When I'm frustrated sometimes I can find compassion for WAH. He wants to be happy and because I love him I imagine the peace he has knowing he had the courage to make this very difficult decision. I imagine all the pain I caused him and I picture him smiling because it's over. I imagine the relief he must feel. He can do whatever he wants without repercussions. He's free from pretending and now can live an authentic life. He now has hope for a better future. I imagine the support he's getting from his friends and imagine him being able to breathe and relax. He can have hobbies, sleep as late as he wants, have more money, go out with the guys, date women who aren't mentally ill (lol) he's in control of his life now. No more walking on eggshells. He's free.

I can't do this TODAY but I can do it sometimes. lol

Last edited by kas99; 10/15/19 05:20 PM.
Re: 22 years gone [Re: kas99] #2868358
10/15/19 07:23 PM
10/15/19 07:23 PM
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Many worries Offline
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Originally Posted by kas99
Quote
One way to make changes: Your emotions are there to help guide your changes. Most people blame external things rather than self reflect. Next time you get frustrated with anybody, recognize that you are frustrated, Internally forgive them, shift into compassionate listening mode, and focus hard on understanding the other person.


I sound like a hypocrite when I give advice only because I can't make this stick (yet).

My WAH left because of me. When I'm frustrated sometimes I can find compassion for WAH. He wants to be happy and because I love him I imagine the peace he has knowing he had the courage to make this very difficult decision. I imagine all the pain I caused him and I picture him smiling because it's over. I imagine the relief he must feel. He can do whatever he wants without repercussions. He's free from pretending and now can live an authentic life. He now has hope for a better future. I imagine the support he's getting from his friends and imagine him being able to breathe and relax. He can have hobbies, sleep as late as he wants, have more money, go out with the guys, date women who aren't mentally ill (lol) he's in control of his life now. No more walking on eggshells. He's free.

I can't do this TODAY but I can do it sometimes. lol



I found it's so much easier to be detached, rationale and clear thinking with dealing with other people's situations. It's hardly hypocritical, it's being human.

Re: 22 years gone [Re: Many worries] #2868363
10/15/19 07:47 PM
10/15/19 07:47 PM
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Ready2Change Offline
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Originally Posted by Many worries
I found it's so much easier to be detached, rationale and clear thinking with dealing with other people's situations
That is why helping others helps ourselves. After telling others not to touch the hot pan on the stove multiple times, much easier not to touch the hot pan ourselves.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2868366
10/15/19 08:04 PM
10/15/19 08:04 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 224
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rooskers Offline OP
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D13 and I go for a walk every evening to help clear our heads and talk about anything that is troubling our mind. So last night she tells me that when she goes to bed at her mom's house and some time has passed by she hears her mom leave the house for the night. Her mom doesn't tell her she is leaving and seems to go when she believes D13 is asleep and returns sometime in the morning before D13 is awake.

I let D13 know that she can ask her mom about it, but D13 is too afraid to ask. I will have her bring it up with her therapist. All I can do is let her know if she is ever in real danger to call 911 and if she isn't in danger but just doesn't want to be alone she can always call me or a friend.

I just don't understand frown


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: 22 years gone [Re: rooskers] #2868374
10/15/19 08:55 PM
10/15/19 08:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,520
Colorado
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Thornton Offline
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Oh man, Rooskers.

That sounds exactly like my ExW (not my current W). She would leave our D7 home alone so she could go out partying. I remember one time, my D7 (she's 18 now) called me and said that she was getting up one morning to start getting ready for school and her mom walked in the house wearing no shoes, she had been out drinking all night and came home drunk at 6am.

I called child protective services and they said I would have to prove my ex was out all night, they couldn't just take my D7's word for it. Thankfully my D came to live with me soon thereafter.

I wish I knew why people do what they do, including leaving their kids home alone at night to go party.


Me 43
He 43
D: 18
D: 12
T: 8 years

Bomb 5/10/2014
Back 7/7/2014

Bomb 2 1/28/2016
Back: 5/2016

Bomb 3 4/3/2017
She moved away with SD: 5/27/2017
Back: 8/1/2018

Bomb 4 9/11/2019
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