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#2868284 10/14/19 09:13 PM
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Husband asked for a divorce 1 month ago since them I have been crying and begging
We have been married 30 years He has a job we’re he is gone 4 days a week but hasn’t been coming home
When he is off . Says he will be coming home tomorrow and I am so worried that I will fall down on my dB
I have been trying so hard to do this for a week
How do I keep myself from throwing myself in his arms ,I miss him so much.
Also should I have sex if he wants to or will that be counter productive
Thanks for any encouragement


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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Breathe! When he comes home, you are going to have to put your best actress skills to work. Treat him as if he's a roommate just coming in from being away for a while. Don't raise the question of a divorce or jump right in talking about the relationship. If he brings up the divorce, listen and validate and say, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I need time to adjust to the thought of being divorced.

It's going to be difficult, but you need to really listen to what he says, watch the body language and try to act as normal as you can.

As for sex, that is a personal preference and one only you can make. However, I would caution you to use protection since you do not have any idea where he's been and with whom.

Read the detachment thread, if he attempts to get you into a heated discussion, walk away or change the subject very quickly. He's going to want justification for walking out the door...do not take the bait or drink the kool aid that he will offer up to you.

Again...breathe!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks
This is very hard work!


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Hello Dispatch

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. Please know you are in a safe place here, with many kind and compassionate people with much hard earned wisdom.

job is correct. Treat him as a roommate. Validate his feelings and don’t expect much from him.

A lot of the advice you will hear is counterintuitive; it feels wrong. It will go against what you think you should do, what you’ve always done before. For example you probably want to fall into his arms and tell him how much you love him - Don’t!

He needs time and space. Any pressure and he will bolt.

Remember he said he wants a divorce. Give him space for his feelings to change. Give him time to change his mind.

Do not get in an argument - that is a lot harder than it sounds by the way, so be mindful. H is looking for any justification to further his view of things. Do not take his bait.

Posting here helps. Ask questions, vent, tell us what is going on. You have found a really good place, make use of the many viewpoints and lessons people have.

You said you have been married for 30 years. Ages? Any kids?

H works away 4 days a week but hasn’t been coming home. How long has this been going on? Just the 4 weeks?

As for sex. See how the day goes with him back home. The roommate idea extends to sex as well.

It sounds like you’re familiar with DB. That’s good.

Focus on you. Stay strong.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Falling into his arms is just what I want to do
Four kids
S-30
S-25
S-23
D-20
Bd-10/1/19
Me 50 H-51
He hasn’t been home for three weeks he has been going to Tennessee to get his glider ticket
And sleeping there when he has been off and I only started DB for 4 days
He is coming home because he needs to go to the doctor
I don’t think he is having a physical relationship maybe a emotional one


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Good Morning Dsp

You got a big family, just like me. I also have 3 boys and a girl - S23, S22, S19, and D17.

Is H’s glider ticket for work? And is the doctor appointment for the glider license?

How about you, do you work? Ha. A mother of four. Of course you work! Lol. Anyhow, do you have a job?

Your just starting out on this unwanted journey. The first days of shock are gone and lots of emotions are stirred up. Your mind is racing, and you probably aren’t sleeping very well.

I do remember how it was. I assure you, it does get better - much much better. Honest.

This journey, wherever it is heading, is going to take a while. Do not sit at home, pining the days away. GAL - Get A Life.

That doesn’t imply you don’t have a life. It means to focus on you and your life. Activities, especially physical ones, help sort through the emotions. Anger is pretty common and usually shows up in a bit. Do something physical, sweat the anger out. Active is good for you, and releases that anger. Otherwise you’ll blow up all over H or someone or somewhere else.

Focus on you. Stay in control and calm (as best you can) today, and see what happens.

I look forward to hearing about your day.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thanks so much for the encouragement
No the glider ticket is a dream he has always had
Plus its away from me ,fun and camping .
He hurt himself and when he went to the emergency room they found something
On the bone so he had to come home to have a closer look
I work full time as a aircraft dispatcher it’s a good job so my worries aren’t for money
I took this job in January and we moved away from are kids which broke his heart
That where he plans to go after the divorce. I miss them so much and don’t have many friends
Here

I have been reading the threads and it sounds like a lot of people lose this fight but also they keep breathing
I especially found your posts DnJ to be hopeful
Thanks so much


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I’m sorry you are here, but you are in the best place.

Listen to all the advice you are given. It comes from so much experience. You will learn what not to do.

Take care of yourself, it will be a rollercoaster ride, but you will get through this.

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Ok he is home and I can’t spend more than 5 minutes with him before I want to throw myself in his arms
And he is still saying he is divorcing me but want to know if I want to go with him to a October fest thing at the glider field WTF
Help!


Oct 1/BD
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H 51
S 30
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S23
D20
Hg 3 weeks and counting
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