A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL OFFER TO INTRODUCE YOU TO DB COACHING
Save $75. Offer for new clients and available November 16-25 only
SINGLE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE SESSION FOR ONLY $100

CALL 303-444-7004

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 9 10
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2868201
10/14/19 08:40 AM
10/14/19 08:40 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,858
C
CWarrior Offline
Member
CWarrior  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,858
Originally Posted by "Unchien"
When we had our blow-up 6 days ago, she said I never tried to win her back. I told her "Go read those letters I wrote you in April". I wrote 3 letters then, 2 apologies, and 1 love letter. I know better now. I shouldn't have even said this to her. But she cannot read those letters and think "This is a guy who is checked out of the marriage." Again, why do I bother, it was a waste of my energy.

lol. Amazing to hear, for anyone who's been reading your situation.


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2868202
10/14/19 10:39 AM
10/14/19 10:39 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,589
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,589
U,

You really need to stop two things for your own sanity moving forward.

1. Believing anything she says. The letters are absolute proof that “winning her back” is BS and real life isn’t rom com movie.
2. Using logic and reason. You are mostly likely going to know why this happened.

I know this isn’t the life you wanted for your kids but they will be just fine. My daughter’s three best friends parents are divorced so it’s not abnormal for her. The other day she told me a friend from school started texting her because her parents were going through a D and my daughter was able to make her feel better. Not the conversation I wanted my 11 year old daughter to be having but I’m glad she could help her friend.

The truth U that by the time you found DB the odds are not in your favor to stop the D. I can absolutely promise you it gets better and you deserve to be with someone who treats you as an equal and with respect.

Stay strong my friend.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2868220
10/14/19 02:19 PM
10/14/19 02:19 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,098
A
AnotherStander Offline
Member
AnotherStander  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,098
Originally Posted by unchien
It feels like giving up. I'm on a divorce BUSTING web forum after all.


You're just giving her what she wants. Remember what I said earlier about jiu jitsu? Giving her what she wants isn't giving up, it's a DIFFERENT FORM of fighting for a possible future with her.

I agree with Roosker's edits. Short and sweet wins the day. Don't inject personal emotion into it. Don't talk about how badly you want to stay in the M, she knows that already. If she thinks the D is being rushed then believe me, you will be the first to know!

Quote
Why continue this path of misery with someone who doesn't want to work on it?


A very valid question that EVERY LBS needs to ask themselves sooner or later.

Quote
Or am I missing something I should be doing, or should have done, differently? It is absolutely maddening.


It's her journey, not yours.

Quote
When we had our blow-up 6 days ago, she said I never tried to win her back. I told her "Go read those letters I wrote you in April". I wrote 3 letters then, 2 apologies, and 1 love letter. I know better now. I shouldn't have even said this to her. But she cannot read those letters and think "This is a guy who is checked out of the marriage." Again, why do I bother, it was a waste of my energy.


Either validate these comments or don't respond at all. "That must have been frustrating for you."


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2868227
10/14/19 03:44 PM
10/14/19 03:44 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 102
M
Many worries Offline
Member
Many worries  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by unchien


It feels like giving up. I'm on a divorce BUSTING web forum after all..


Most of the "experts" here are divorced. There was no divorce busting at all. (Personally, I think a few would be better served on militant men's rights forum) but that's for another day.

Also, it should be noted that many here give advice contrary to MWD. At times, I feel the advice here pushes spouse into binary thinking and thus moves them to divorce without giving them a path home.

Remember the things that did or didn't serve them in their marriages won't necessarily serve your efforts.

Re: Things are trending up... [Re: Many worries] #2868231
10/14/19 04:29 PM
10/14/19 04:29 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,516
U
unchien Offline OP
Member
unchien  Offline OP
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,516
Originally Posted by Many worries
Originally Posted by unchien


It feels like giving up. I'm on a divorce BUSTING web forum after all..


Most of the "experts" here are divorced. There was no divorce busting at all. (Personally, I think a few would be better served on militant men's rights forum) but that's for another day.

Also, it should be noted that many here give advice contrary to MWD. At times, I feel the advice here pushes spouse into binary thinking and thus moves them to divorce without giving them a path home.

Remember the things that did or didn't serve them in their marriages won't necessarily serve your efforts.

MW - Thanks for your input, I really enjoy hearing different points of view.

Back in June I signed up for 3 phone sessions. They were extremely helpful, and did offer a different take on how to approach my situation. I wouldn't say they were misaligned with forum advice, but the forum has a more hard line stance on how to approach situations. It's a self-selecting group here - most of us (and I think I'm in this group) found this forum when it was already too late. I've always read the advice here with that in mind - although so many situations are similar, each one has unique factors.

At times I have followed the forum advice, at times I have not. I moved out of the marital home in late June as part of our separation. I received a lot of push back on the forum, but I stand by that decision. My W's nerves were frayed, our kids were suffering, and logistically it made sense for me to move out. I was not going to perpetuate an untenable situation in an attempt to save my MR. I thought the removal of pressure would help while we went to MC. It didn't. It was still the right decision and I stand by it.

What I believe happened in my case is similar to others here. My W was thinking she wanted out long before I realized it. We relocated, and that stress broke us. It also did not help that we, as a couple, did not establish a healthy way to resolve conflict. So the longer this tension lasted, and was not discussed, the more I felt her distance, and the more she resented me. We are both at fault. We went to MC and rather than tell me what she was feeling, my W asked me to do more chores. And I was too dense too realize it. I will say I was also unhappy about the emotional distance I felt from her, and I admit I had some resentment over this. I felt unsupported. The only way back, in my mind, would be communicating with honesty and openness, and a willingness to resolve conflict. I can't make my W want to do that, all I can do is try to live by those values. I struggle. I get sucked in sometimes and forget to validate.

Could I have saved my MR? I guess had we not moved, we would probably still be M'd. Maybe. Who's to say. I'm no misogynist, I have a lot of empathy for what my W is experiencing.

Anyways, what you point to is exactly the issue that drives me crazy... Did I try hard enough? Did I mess up DB'ing?

This forum in many ways has turned my life around, even though it does not always follow MWD's advice. For that I am incredibly thankful. I go to IC, I read, all of that... but the advice on this forum has changed my mindset so I will go out and be happy whether or not my W joins me or not. I don't say that in a "take it or leave it" negative sense. I'm truly here if she wants to work together and join me. And I will be a better partner. I am a better father now. I am a happier person. I can handle difficult situations so much better.

Re: Things are trending up... [Re: Many worries] #2868232
10/14/19 04:30 PM
10/14/19 04:30 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,498
Missouruh
O
ovrrnbw Offline
Member
ovrrnbw  Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,498
Missouruh
Originally Posted by Many worries
Originally Posted by unchien


It feels like giving up. I'm on a divorce BUSTING web forum after all..


Most of the "experts" here are divorced. There was no divorce busting at all. (Personally, I think a few would be better served on militant men's rights forum) but that's for another day.

Also, it should be noted that many here give advice contrary to MWD. At times, I feel the advice here pushes spouse into binary thinking and thus moves them to divorce without giving them a path home.

Remember the things that did or didn't serve them in their marriages won't necessarily serve your efforts.





I've seen you drop in a few times and say how a lot of the advice is going contrary. Let's start a separate thread to discuss.

In regards to this thread, detaching should feel like giving up. It is, in a sense, giving up. It's letting go of things you can't control, it's listening to your spouse and quit trying to talk them out of it. It's stopping pursuit, which a lot of people think is them standing for their marriage.

There are lots of discussions about keeping the road home paved smooth. It's very hard to thread that needle for most people early on in there sitches.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: Many worries] #2868245
10/14/19 05:41 PM
10/14/19 05:41 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,098
A
AnotherStander Offline
Member
AnotherStander  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,098
Originally Posted by Many worries
Most of the "experts" here are divorced.


I don't think anyone here considers themselves an "expert". DB'ing is acknowledging there is no PHD in WAS psychology, it's accepting that we don't understand the dynamics and letting go of the need to understand.

Quote
There was no divorce busting at all.


I assume you mean in the sense that many of the vets were not able to save their M, which is true, as opposed to the vets not participating in DB practices, which is false. Unfortunately most of us come here after BD and after the WAS is two feet out the door. All the DB'ing in the world only saves a small percentage of M's. DB'ing is reactive rather than proactive, so it's trying to fix something after it's already very broken.

Quote
(Personally, I think a few would be better served on militant men's rights forum) but that's for another day.


I don't believe it's appropriate to launch personal attacks here, would suggest you refrain from that in the future.

Quote
Also, it should be noted that many here give advice contrary to MWD.


Not really. Usually when people say this they are misunderstanding what they are reading.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2868246
10/14/19 05:44 PM
10/14/19 05:44 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,858
C
CWarrior Offline
Member
CWarrior  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,858
Originally Posted by "Many Worries"
Most of the "experts" here are divorced. There was no divorce busting at all.

I think most relationships are cooked at BD. My partner and I are still together--she loves me and sees a long-term future--but the relationship we had was dead. Letting go allowed a new one to crystalize. Whether that new one will satisfy each of us enough to go the distance is an open question.

If you feel you're more an expert in a particular sitch, do share.

Last edited by CWarrior; 10/14/19 05:50 PM.

May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: AnotherStander] #2868265
10/14/19 07:33 PM
10/14/19 07:33 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 102
M
Many worries Offline
Member
Many worries  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by AnotherSlander


I don't think anyone here considers themselves an "expert". DB'ing is acknowledging there is no PHD in WAS psychology, it's accepting that we don't understand the dynamics and letting go of the need to understand.


I disagree. People are explicitly telling others what to do and presenting themselves as experts.

Quote
I assume you mean in the sense that many of the vets were not able to save their M, which is true, as opposed to the vets not participating in DB practices, which is false. Unfortunately most of us come here after BD and after the WAS is two feet out the door. All the DB'ing in the world only saves a small percentage of M's. DB'ing is reactive rather than proactive, so it's trying to fix something after it's already very broken.


Then why give false hope.

Quote
I don't believe it's appropriate to launch personal attacks here, would suggest you refrain from that in the future.


This wasn't a personal attack. it was just an observation.

Quote
Not really. Usually when people say this they are misunderstanding what they are reading.


It's funny because somewhere in one of your posts... you admitted to going against MWD.

Re: Things are trending up... [Re: CWarrior] #2868266
10/14/19 07:35 PM
10/14/19 07:35 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 102
M
Many worries Offline
Member
Many worries  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by "Many Worries"
Most of the "experts" here are divorced. There was no divorce busting at all.

I think most relationships are cooked at BD. My partner and I are still together--she loves me and sees a long-term future--but the relationship we had was dead. Letting go allowed a new one to crystalize. Whether that new one will satisfy each of us enough to go the distance is an open question.

If you feel you're more an expert in a particular sitch, do share.


The only situation that I am expert is my marriage. That's kind of my point.

Page 4 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 9 10

Moderated by  Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004