I know the drill get rid of everything that reminds me of him far far away from me.
I put mine in bags/boxes. Out of sight, out of mind. I figured 20 years from now some kid or grandkid may want to see that happy moment. It's only 10yrs later, and I'm already thinking of dusting off one or two photos. I know others who got joy out of tossing the lot. Whatever you need to get through this.
I left all the sentimental things with him.
I’m triggered over my winter clothes. Stupid right? I was needy, pathetic and jumped through hoops trying to get his attention. The only thing I had going for me was he was physically attracted to me. I could wear cute clothes and pretend for a moment that he wasn’t checked out. I was so in love and would do anything for him. The clothes reminded me of how awful I felt begging for attention.
I went out with S19 and I remembered I’m not that person anymore. Yes today is hard very hard but at least I don’t feel humiliated. I’m tiny now and they probably don’t even fit or I can rock the oversized sweater look. Lol
I’m surrounded by ghosts packed in boxes and I’m feeling sorry for myself.
If the environment is getting you down, could you change the scenery for a bit? I love going to the bookstore with my kids. $5 buys a venti drink you can split into water cups for everyone and you're surrounded by books, Wifi, and an upbeat atmosphere. Lots of windows with muted sunshine streaming in.
Sorry you're feeling down. Sending hugs back to you.
I went out and it helped a lot thanks. It’s going to take me a bit to unpack so I shoved the bags/boxes behind the sofa where I can’t see them. I also picked up the kitchen. My kids need me and I have to get a grip. I just hate divorce. He needed to leave for me to get better it’s just a very big price to pay and I’m sad.
I’m just journaling. D17 has her friends over for the first time, a sleepover. I cooked an actual dinner so the place smells homey. Hiding all the boxes behind the couch worked. I’m calm now. I don’t do well with clutter in my home. I’m ok at work but not here.
Went to the store and I got yet another warning light on my car, 3rd one since WAH left. The last one I sent him a text, I called, S19 sent a text and he ignored all of us. No biggie I got it handled and S19 has stepped up since then. This was almost 3 months ago, been NC since.
S19 jumped on this, texted WAH (ugh), drove to the big box store where WAH works now, and got a tire pressure gauge. Came home, checked my tires and one is low. WAH wants to fix this...tomorrow. It’s an excuse for him to see S19 but still. S19 has been driving my car when necessary (it’s cute). S19 has grown into a man who wants to take care of me (also cute). All he wants are home cooked dinners. Lol.
S19 has grown into a man who wants to take care of me (also cute). All he wants are home cooked dinners.
I am not saying that this is what is happening with S19 but it was a huge concern for me with D13. I looked up parentifying and saw a lot of warning signals D13 was doing and made sure they were stopped and that I was not contributing to it. Just something to think about not an accusation.
Parentifying
Turning your teen into your mate, friend, or equal is known as "parentifying" your child; this is also referred to as Emotional Incest or Surrogate Spouse Syndrome.
How the Surrogate Spouse Role Impacts a Child's Adult Relationships
This level of parent-child enmeshment fosters unhealthy dependence. The child who was trained so well to anticipate the needs of his parent will, without awareness or intervention, carry this trait into his adult relationships.
The doting son and later doting husband set himself up to be a doormat by pampering a partner who is happy to have a one-sided relationship.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Rooskers yes I considered this. I talk to many people in real life about my concerns and so far everyone thinks it’s good for S19 to do chores not unlike taking out the trash. My father and I had an EA type relationship so I’ve been mindful about this since the moment I had kids. I didn’t want to turn into my father.
On that note divorce messes kids up. It sets them up to have bad relationships, trust issues, abandonment issues, etc. When my WAH chose to walk out after 28 years he damaged the kids quickly with the way he treated them and me. He forced us all to go into survival mode. My older kids stepped up because overnight I was a single parent. WAH didn’t parent (still doesn’t) other then writing checks.
Bottom line my kids are already damaged. The only thing I don’t know is how badly and how much will they recover.
I'm not making excuses I'm stating facts. I see the damage in my kids. I see how they worry about me because if he can walk out without so much as a backwards glance then what's to stop me from doing the same? My friends and IC say my kids have had to grow up overnight, their childhoods forever changed. S19 went from having his college paid for to now shouldering debt. He used to spend his time gaming and studying now he frets over my car. D17 went from having a father hugging her everyday and calling her "pumpkin". Before her biggest concern was which friend was coming over and which movie to choose. Now she worries when I get down. She fusses at me for spending money. She "mothers" me. It's just the three of us now. WAH works 80 hours a week so he doesn't have time for them.
I do most of the work around the house but D17 and S19 help. What makes helping out toxic is when being a surrogate spouse becomes one of their jobs. I post on here, I have friends in real life, I have a support group, I have a dr (meds) and I have a therapist. I'm doing everything in my power to be a strong parent to them. I stumble (like Saturday) and I see them worry. I posted here to get the thoughts out of my head so I could pull it together.
My coworkers bought me dishes. See I've got people who care about me so I'm good.
I've made yet another mistake at work. I want to cry.
I'm not settled at home, been eating out too much, can't afford it, have no idea where I am financially, can't get caught up at work, it's 2 steps forward, 5 back.
It's in these I'm overwhelmed moments that my focus goes right back to WAH.
I still see WAH as the solution to "some" of my problems which I guess is improvement because it was "all".
