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#2867932 10/10/19 09:44 PM
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I'm new here. My name is Ian. Given the fact that when I got hurt 6 years ago I kinda stopped talking to most people I really don't have anyone to talk to I just tried to find a place where I could talk about whats going on with me.

My wife and I have been married since 2017. We have been together for 5 years. We have a 1 child together and she has 2 from a previous relationship. They are mind I have adopted them and nothing will ever change that. So early in the relationship during a period we were fighting my wife or GF at the time ended up sleeping with one of her coworkers. 2 days after her getting hurt walking into work I found out about it. She expressed guilt about it and she said she didn't wanna lose me. I was head over heels for her and those kids at this point so I stayed with her.

Shortly after we got into a car accident and she hurt her neck, During the process to get testing done for it we found out she was pregnant. This prolonged the pain and suffering for her. Given that I decided to not talk to her about the cheating and try to move on which I now see as a mistake.

Just wanted some questions answered and whatever else to help me move on. I did forgive her but I was having hard time moving on. We suffered because of it. I have made stupid comments over the time about coworkers and cheating and whatever else and when she would go out with all of her coworkers it attacked me emotionally and I wasn't very kind to her about it. I would ignore her texts or maybe just be angry when she got home and that is completely my fault.

I will note that when she was going out with any coworkers the one she cheated with was gone. He had left before she went back to work.

Move forward to 2017 I asked her to marry me and we got married. I ended up adopting her children as my own and while I was still having issues in the back of my mind with the cheating Was trying to move on.

About 6 months ago I found out by accident that late at night she was texting someone when I was out of the room or during the day while at work it was an all day thing. I confronted her and wasn't angry I had kept myself together about it ad she explained who it was and why she did it. Nothing sexual just someone to talk to and she didn't wanna tell me beavsue of how I might react. Its an elderly gentleman that is part of a union associated with her job. I overcame my initial anger and saw that she needed this person because I wasn't being the person she needed me to be. That hurt me.

My wife has always had a issue opening up to me its just the kinda person she is. She holds things back or ignores them and hopes it goes away. Her words not mine. It does create some issues but we have been trying to work on it.

After the hidden relationship came out which I feel was wrong but I tried to understand she did start opening up to me and we actually talked about the cheating which of course I could get much info because she claimed to not remember and tried to block it out. Regardless of that It really helped me and ever since then I've tried to just be a good husband try to do everything that was needed of me which I can say hasn't always been the case and Im still not perfect and still need to work on some things but I was trying.

I am still working on a head injury which sometimes makes it difficult for me to remember things and I have a habit of saying things to my wife that while I don't see as wrong or with intent to hurt but she doesn't like and causes her pain. Due to the fact I sometimes forget and she doesn't talk to me it has become a problem. every couple of months she would come at me with a bunch of things i have said or done that is causing her pain and unhappiness but I don't remember half of it and its a tough situation all around. But since the hidden relationship came out I've been trying to be more vocal with her and to a degree her with me.

I have asked many time since then is everything ok? are you happy? she would say she loves me and I would ask are you sure? is there anything I need to do?

The answers were always so positive and I thought we were finally moving on.

BUT we haven't had sex in over a year. Now I love sex and I love my wife and I think she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen but It was slowly killing me inside not being able to touch her. I have been trying to reignite that spark between us but its been hard. and she has been trying a bit as well but she is very guarded and I was still getting nothing from her. We have talked about it and its because of a mix of things. Multiple injuries, Neck, Back, and hip. and she was diagnosed with RA a few years ago and she's been going through a lot with that. And of course me. she still sees the hurtful things i have said to her and how I was acting after the cheating and having a hard time letting go. I can't blame her I did the same thing. No matter what I stood by her and was trying to be there for her but yes the lack of intimacy any intimacy was taking a toll.

I will note some of the things my wife says bothered her were just stupid comments I would make and she would usually just send me a roll her eyes emoji or something like that but never said to at that time it was a issue. Mostly sexual comments.... How much I like her butt or where I wanna kiss her. Few weeks ago she told me she was leaving work and she was dropping a female coworker home and I said don't forget to send pics... My intention was just to get her to laugh at me or send one of those faces because I kinda just saw it as our thing and didn't know it was causing her unhappiness. She never said anything after just sent an emoji and that was the end of it.

For the past 2 months I was confiding in an old friend who is female. she as all having some issues in her relationship. Her man didn't wanna touch her was calling her fat and whatever else. Most of the conversation was normal but a few times maybe 3 or 4 we said some things that should not have been said. I am asshamed to admit it but it happened and i don't know why I did I think at the time just made me feel good to be wanted. I never have touched her and really didn't want to just felt good for a bit. My wife saw one of the messages while on the computer one day and the day she left and said she's been unhappy for a long time said she doesn't want me anymore and she's not coming back.

That was 3 weeks ago this sunday and while she has stated a few times that maybe she will come back she has also stated that she doesn't wanna work it out. We are being civil towards each other and kids and bills and whatever and I'm still trying to be there for what she needs. I am in extreme emotional and physical pain over this and I just want my family back. I do have the kids most of the time becasue of her work schedule but when they are not here like now I can't take it. I am not someone who expresses himself often and I do try to keep things locked up but right now I can't seem to do it.

I will say that she has accused me of over time calling her fat which has caused her pain and that's is one thing I will deny until I die because I have never said that directly to her in the way she is describing. Usually she will be laying in bed calling herself fat and yes I may make a joke to go along with it just tog et her to give me a funny face but right after I would usually come over and tell her to stop saying that because she is beautiful or I would say yes you are PHAT (pretty hot and tempting) heard it in a move once to the same result but the words your fat and need to lose weight or anything like that have never left my mouth like that.
And this is were the issue of not saying something at the time and holding things back creates a problem my mind.

Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Originally Posted by ias61489

Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.

Keep posting and you will get responses.


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Originally Posted by ias61489
So early in the relationship during a period we were fighting my wife or GF at the time ended up sleeping with one of her coworkers. 2 days after her getting hurt walking into work I found out about it. She expressed guilt about it and she said she didn't wanna lose me. I was head over heels for her and those kids at this point so I stayed with her.


She slept with a coworker due to an argument you had? That's kind of a big red flag right there that something is wrong with her. It sounds like the two of you swept it under the rug rather than addressing it.

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I have made stupid comments over the time about coworkers and cheating and whatever else and when she would go out with all of her coworkers it attacked me emotionally and I wasn't very kind to her about it. I would ignore her texts or maybe just be angry when she got home and that is completely my fault.


You definitely reacted poorly to it, but at the same time she CHEATED on you with a coworker, so OF COURSE you are going to have issues with her going out with coworkers. The two of you really should have gone to counseling for this rather than dealing with it in very passive/aggressive ways.

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About 6 months ago I found out by accident that late at night she was texting someone when I was out of the room or during the day while at work it was an all day thing. I confronted her and wasn't angry I had kept myself together about it ad she explained who it was and why she did it. Nothing sexual just someone to talk to and she didn't wanna tell me beavsue of how I might react. Its an elderly gentleman that is part of a union associated with her job. I overcame my initial anger and saw that she needed this person because I wasn't being the person she needed me to be. That hurt me.


There's a name for that, we call it an AFFAIR. Yes, she's having another affair. It doesn't matter that it's not physical, it's still an affair and is still very damaging to the marriage. You saw that she "needed this person"? No, she's married. If the two of you are having issues you deal with them with each other and with counseling, not by having affairs. You seem to be trying to convince yourself that her behavior is justified, but it's not.

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My wife has always had a issue opening up to me its just the kinda person she is. She holds things back or ignores them and hopes it goes away. Her words not mine. It does create some issues but we have been trying to work on it.


Yet she has no trouble opening up to strangers.

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I have asked many time since then is everything ok? are you happy? she would say she loves me and I would ask are you sure? is there anything I need to do?

The answers were always so positive and I thought we were finally moving on.


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BUT we haven't had sex in over a year.


Clearly there was still something very wrong if you didn't have sex for a year.

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We have talked about it and its because of a mix of things. Multiple injuries, Neck, Back, and hip. and she was diagnosed with RA a few years ago and she's been going through a lot with that.


Couples who really love each other find a way. My XW and I did some pretty creative things around injuries through our 25 years together. Those are just excuses she's hiding behind to avoid contact with you.

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I never have touched her and really didn't want to just felt good for a bit. My wife saw one of the messages while on the computer one day and the day she left and said she's been unhappy for a long time said she doesn't want me anymore and she's not coming back.


That too is an affair, but I think by then your W was just looking for an excuse to bail. She was already two feet out the door.

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That was 3 weeks ago this sunday and while she has stated a few times that maybe she will come back she has also stated that she doesn't wanna work it out.


DO NOT let her come back if she doesn't want to work it out. Period! Her leaving is a good opportunity for both of you to have time and space, heal from the wounds and consider where to go from here. Use the time to work on yourself. Leave her alone. Don't ask how she's doing. Don't ask about the M. Focus on you and the kids. Get DR and read it. Read ALL of Cadet's links. Read other threads on here. Get out and GAL. Keep posting!

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I'm still trying to be there for what she needs


Don't. She's fired you as H. You can't "nice" her back, you can't "buy" her back and you can't "negotiate" her back. Don't even try. She's got to be alone to sort out whatever she's going through and maybe decide she wants to work on the M, but that's probably months down the road. Be patient!


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Originally Posted by "Ian"
And this is were the issue of not saying something at the time and holding things back creates a problem my mind.

That seems the core of the story as-written. When either of you are upset, you two try to sweep it under a rug or seek affairs, rather than expressing your feelings and dealing with the issue.

Originally Posted by "Ian"
Given that I decided to not talk to her about the cheating and try to move on which I now see as a mistake. I have made stupid comments over the time about coworkers and cheating and whatever else and when she would go out with all of her coworkers it attacked me emotionally and I wasn't very kind to her about it. I would ignore her texts or maybe just be angry when she got home and that is completely my fault.

It's great you're taking some responsibility for your faults. Identifying that you were being passive-aggressive is the first step towards making a change that will benefit all your relationships (kids, co-workers, future romantic ones). However, saying "it's all my fault" seems like another sweeping-it-under-the-rug behavior. After cheating with her co-workers, she should've been sensitive that going out with co-workers alone was a trigger for you. It doesn't sound like that sensitivity happened.

Like you, most of us have felt the extreme pain of separation. If it doesn't break you, this painful learning experience can help you grow into a better person worthy of a better relationship.

Originally Posted by "Ian"
I'm still trying to be there for what she needs.

Stop this, please.

Originally Posted by "Ian"
I do have the kids most of the time becasue of her work schedule but when they are not here like now I can't take it.

My ex-wife and I split a decade ago--my choice. Before split custody, I had more time with the kids, but after split custody I spend more quality time with the kids. I volunteer. I coach.

You do need to begin filling the void when you're alone--maybe with something that distracts you for now, maybe with something that fulfills you later on. Good luck!

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Thank you for the replies. It took me a while to get back on here. I actually was on another forum and 7 pages and 56 responses later I finally started talking to someone. First time was on thursday.

I would love to go back and respond to everything that was said but there Is so much I could write and I did on the other forum.

When she cheated she was having emotional affair with the guy it happened with. I saw the messages she was talking to him about us and he defiantly took advantage of the situation and made a move. The sex didn't last long bit that it matters but either way it wasn't just because of a fight we had. She was working 60-70 hours at the time and things were strained and I think she went to him to talk about things idk. Either after it happened she said to me she didn't want it to happen again but he pushed very hard and then I found out and I helped her get him away. She said she didn't know what to say to me and realized she didn't wanna lose me.

I do feel at times that I was used or that she just say me as someone who could take care of her kids but I really dont see her as that kind of person. I think she has trouble opening up to me in fear of conflict and instead she went elsewhere. She is also very stubborn on most things her words not mine but she really is. So could be another reason she held things in instead of putting them out there idk.

There is so much I could write and I could keep going for days. In terms of the girl I said things to It really wasn't mutual.She really didn't say much and I would always end up saying at the end of the conversation I shouldn't do this and she would say your just venting things that you want to say to your wife. That I need to talk to her or you guys need to talk to someone. Im sure that doesn't make it better of course but thats what it was. She just let me vent because she understood the frustrations I suppose.

As of right now I feel abandon by my wife because whenever I had an issue i always tried to talk to her about it but she didn't do the same and she let all this stuff build. She said the message she saw was the icing on the cake.. Since the relationship came out with her and the older man that she was texting I have been trying to be everything she needed to be and always asked her if everything was ok and if she was happy and she said yes and she was to a degree even trying to be a little more psychical. not sex but more closeness but it still felt like she wasn't putting her all in and then of source once she left she said she's been unhappy for \awhile and wasn't being truthful when saying she was. She said she wasn't lying when she said she loved me but she's to happy.

i thought when we talked about everything after that texting relationship came out that we were working towards a better relationship. I did have in my mind that we should go see someone and i regret not mentioning it now.

The thing that is making this worse is that I have a few other things going on in my life at the moment. Everything is coming down at once and im not sure what to do. My wife being gone makes everything 1000 times worse.

Not that anyone cares or wants to know but, My grandfathers house was robbed (he lives around the corner) and since no signs of a break in im the prime and only suspect according to the police. I'm looking at a potential felony.

My mother who lives above me now is currently going through a manic episode which means i have to watch it unfold then pick up the pieces when it's over.

Where i am living (which owned by my grandfather) will be sold within a year. This is stressful for many reasons 1 I pay very low rent nothing near what rents are in this area. 2 I am on workers comp and i cant afford to get another place let alone pay another bills. We were planning on taking one the mortgage from him and saying some cashbut now those plans are done and given whats going on with the robbery and all that i dont even know whats gonna happen with me living here depending on how that goes.

Workers cop is breathing down my neck and I could face an issues reduced benefits soon or i have to fight to keep them where they are which means I won't get anything for awhile during the fight with them.

And then of course everything that goes along with my wife leaving me. To her credit she has kept the finances the same since she has left but im not sure how long thats going to go on for. Im just not sure what my next move should be and s unusual for me.

I could still try to buy this place but given the robbery idk if he's gonna consdier it now with me and it could effect my comp since I will receive rent and I can't do that either. and Im still married so that could be an issue also if my wife gets nasty.

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I'm sorry when I start writing I find it hard to stop. I typed alot. Feels good to get it out I guess.

Maybe with more time with the social worker It will help but it feels like my life is falling apart right now and I'm not sure what to do. Never felt like this before and since I really don't have anyone to talk to I think it makes it worse.

1 hour a week Is not enough for sure! Felt good to get it out in person instead of typing it though.

I also think my wife is seeing someone or at least getting close to someone and I made it worse by getting mad and checking the phone records. Then saw she was talking to someone and texting alot. I did end up telling her the next day I did because it was eating away at me and i was trying to show her that I can be open with her and admit mistakes I make.

I tried to let it go but I ended up doing some investigating and now know who it is and I am angry just as much as I am confused. She's knows I want her to talk to me about it but so far nothing. She wants me to leave her alone and im trying my best. 3 kids conversations have to happen, and in my mind some of these other things going on with my life affect us both.

Thing that annoys me to Is I know what she's saying to people and its her version of things and leaves out alot of details which means they respond to her the way she wants or gets the responses that she wants.

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Today she told me that our 8 year old cries when he has to leave her and come back to me from grandmas house.
Said she thinks he needs therapy to help him deal with this separation... We need therapy not him.

I asked him and his brother separately and they both said no one cries and he said he does get sad when he leaves because he has legos there and his bike. Our apartment is small so Legos a no go here.

So he needs therapy because he cries when he has to leave her but yesterday she took off work (for my Workers comp dr appt) and brought our daughter to work but instead of picking her up which our daughter expected her to do she dropped her off she drove almost an hour away to the city where she works to get a tattoo done so I had to get her..

She also ate while down there (I assume with the guy I believe she is sleeping with) so dropped daughter off at 1230 didn't pick her up until 430 from my house just to have her for dinner then brought them all back over.

So its ok for our daughter to scream and cry but not our 8 year old? Daughter is 4 btw. And he needs therapy? The kids always get upset when they leave grandmas house because they get to do what they want. Never was an issue until she started living back there.

Something tells me she wants to they get them over more so she won't have to pay more CS when the time comes

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Not much has changed here. She didn't wanna do legal separation because we can't agree on custody and support.
She wants to have them more at the veery least make it seem as she has them more and doesn't want joint custody which is because of the support. She will end up having to give me support, alot of it. She got nasty when she found that out and said my bills are not her concern and I should sell my car and make all these changes she works to hard to give me a bunch of money.

Right now it's changed. She gets them saturday night until tuesday after school, plus her day off which rotates. I have to get my daughter at 645am on monday and tuesday if she's not off work since she leaves then. She says that schedule means she has more tie with them and she doesn't believe a judge would grant me joint custody based on that or grant me child support with joint custody. Of course ive spoken to 5 different lawyers and she said she hasn't spoken to one. I'm also seeing a social worker she still hasn't gone to see any. Just has her fiends that are giving her support which of course makes them marriage counselors.

On Monday when she gets home from work I bring our daughter back to her. I'm not liking this situation so far and my daughter has to get up real early as well but I dont wanna split the kids up either.

She's kinda been acting like a teenager some nights goes out alot on the nights she doesn't have the kids and some fridays out until 1am when she has to be up for work at 545 the next morning. Then complains she's exhausted which she normally already is because of her RA.

Ive tried talking to get its about figuring out whats next in terms of separation or divorce and she doesn't wanna talk to me. I think she just wants me to file for divorce so she can stick to her story that im the bad guy.

Been just about 3 months now and she won't talk to me. she did answer a couple of questions here and there like when I asked if she spoke to lawyer yet or say a professional. Just yes and no answers nothing to in depth.

Right now I do think she is sleeping with another coworker mainly because they text all the time from morning until night and how she acted when I asked her. Even if just friends it makes me uncomfortable how close she is to her male coworkers and she doesn't care. I'm only 50/50 wanting to work this out at the moment because of that fact.

I know the if we dont both of our lives are going to me more difficult. Together we can provide better for our kids then part and accomplish more. We live in a very expensive state which doesn't help anything.

So far the finances have stayed the same but the credit cards are just going up and up because of two houses. one is mostly bills and some christmas gifts, food shopping. She on the other hand is buying all kinds of things and she's also been using money out of her checking/ savings account which she agreed she wouldn't do. Thats where all the savings money goes. She has told some of the things she spent money on from the account butI happen to know of more. I assume she just doesn't want me seeing whats she's buying or places she's going.

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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