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#2867879 10/10/19 03:36 PM
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Josh405 Offline OP
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So where to begin. My wife and I met in November of 2011. Coming into this relationship she had two kids from previous relationships (a daughter from an ex-husband and a son from an ex-boyfriend). We fell pretty hard for each other pretty fast. We actually met on an online dating site, went on our first date in November and we’re officially a couple right before Christmas of that same year. Things were great for the first year. Had normal small arguments that a lot of couples have, but nothing that ever seemed like it would cause us to go our separate ways. That was until I showed my temper/anger in October of 2012. We almost broke up but were able to work through things. It took her quite awhile to come around but she did by February 2013. By June of 2013 we were engaged. August of 2014 we married. The long engagement was due to us having to pay for our own wedding so we had to save up to afford it.

Moving along, we seemed like everything was okay. Been through a lot of trials and tribulations throughout our time together. I lost my job in November of 2015 which was very stressful but we persevered. Lost my Mom on Mother’s Day of 2017. Throughout 2017 we could both tell that something was amiss, but we were trying to work through things. Then in November of 2017 I came home from work and her Dad was at our house. I walked in, she was on the back porch. I walked out and she told me she was done. I begged and pleaded to give me another chance. She did. Things went well for about a year or so, but there was still tension. I’ve tried working on my temper but would still occasionally blow up at her or the kids over trivial stuff that shouldn’t have set me off but did.

Fast forward some more. I lost my Father in September of 2018, one of my best friends to suicide in February of 2019, our house flooded (busted pipe in wall) March of 2019, car flooded due to a freak storm while on Vacation in New Orleans in July 2019. A lot of bad luck to say the least. So a lot of stress that has been eating away at me. On September 16th of this year my wife and I couldn’t agree on some pretty major renovations to the house while it’s being repaired (we are in a rental while ours is being redone). I blow up at her again. Go to bed angry without talking. Next day comes around, she tells me she’s done. I want another chance. This time I’m doing wholesale changes to correct these issues so that they don’t arise again. I’m seeing a counselor on a bi-weekly basis to work through things. As is she. We are seeing a marital counselor (both agreed upon) starting next month. We still live together, we still sleep in the same bed, but there’s no physical contact. She doesn’t want that. I do, but I’m trying to respect her boundaries. I’m trying to give her that time and space. She stated last night that she had been messaging another man who was showing her attention, but she put a stop to it, which gives me hope that things are going to work out. I’m just wondering what people’s opinions are? Can we make this work? At first I was writing her love notes every day, but my counselor just told me about the last resort technique last night, and I figured what the heck, it’s worth a shot. Anything to save this. I don’t want to lose her or the kids. I consider them mine even though they aren’t blood because they spend a lot of time under our roof. I do love my wife with all of my heart, have always been faithful to her and don’t want to give up on this. She tells me that she’s emotionally numb, that she loves me as a person but isn’t in love with me right now. As much as that hurts, I’m dealing with the pain, trying to improve as a husband and father and being the man that her and her kids deserve. Not the emotionally or verbally abusive man I’ve been in the past. Do you think we can make it? I am not going to give up. I think she wants to save this marriage too, at least to give it one last shot.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Hi Josh,

Read this post, and as many of the threads it links to:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984


How old are you? W?


180 on the emotions. Control them while in the presence of W. Always be in neutral. Not angry, not happy. Think "Clint Eastwood".

Become a very good listener and validate her feelings. Say very little and do not share how you feel.


Focus on your personal growth. Make positive change to your behavior.

I wish you well. You found a great place for support. Keep posting.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Ready2Change, I am 35 and my wife is 33. I keep reading a lot of articles that says giving space to a spouse is a bad idea. I don't understand how this could be beneficial. I am doing what she asked, but what if in that space she realizes she doesn't want me around anymore? I can't deal with that right now. I want to reconcile. We are scheduled to meet with a marriage counselor on 11/5/19. That time can't get here soon enough. My wife is going to New Orleans with two of her girlfriends next week for four days and I'm dreading it but I know it can do her some good. I just hope that when she comes back she misses me.

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Which is it better:

A) Her missing you when apart

B) Resent you while together






There is a balance in everything.What you do not want to do is try and control W and put pressure on her. What is important is to seduce her back. Act in ALPHA male ways.


Projecting that you WANT her in your life, but you do not NEED her. The last thing you want to do is act needy in front of her.


Right now, you have to challenge your belief system. There are things that you believe that will cause you to act in unattractive ways.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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You have to give her space. Pursuit and pressure will push her awsy 100%. Especially since there is OM in the picture. Back off and focus on yourself. There is nothing that you can do to make her change how she feels beyond leaving her alone and allowing her to sort through her own emotions on her own.

It is very counterintuitive but believe us here, its for the better. Focus on bettering yourself. Once you change for yourself and love yourself, she may see this and wish to reconcile. But your goal is just to better yourself and not pressure her. Read everything Cadet posted and read through others situations. Everyone always goes into fix it mode and pushes their wife away, sometimes right into the arms of another man.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
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Hey Josh,

Sorry you find yourself here. One of the things that I appreciate about this board is the fact that people here are honest. They won't blow smoke up your a$$ to make you feel better. That being said, I'd bet money your W is going to be meeting with her affair partner in New Orleans.

Your W did not break things off with her affair partner, she's actively dating him. I know that's the last thing you want to hear but if you read enough threads here, you will see a definite pattern. Just the fact that she told you she loves you but isn't in love with you, tells me she's cheating on you. In fact, that's probably the number one indicator that she is having an affair. Michelle even mentions those exact words in her books.

Now, that does not mean you can't reconcile with your W. Lots of people have bounced back from affairs and went on to have marriages even better than before the affair began.

Right now you are desperate to save your marriage. We all know exactly how that feels. However, what you don't realize is that your marriage is already over. IF you are able to reconcile things with your W, you will need to start a brand new marriage with her because quite frankly, the old marriage didn't work right? You can't go back and undo things. But you can start taking steps to create a new life with your W (when the timing is right).

I would highly recommend that you read Divorce Remedy. I also advise you to read all of Sandi's threads about walk-away wives and wayward wives, you will find a treasure trove of information on this stuff. Knowledge is power.

Keep posting and hang in there. This will not get resolved quickly, so prepare yourself for a long journey.

Thorn

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Originally Posted by Josh405
I keep reading a lot of articles that says giving space to a spouse is a bad idea. I don't understand how this could be beneficial.



Some say giving space is a good idea, some say giving space is a bad idea. What is important is for you to understand when it is good and when it is bad and all the shades of grey in between.

I joined this site in 2009. Ten years of processing and understanding. You need to prepare yourself for "Girls Gone Wild Wife". You can't control her. The only thing you can control is how you interact with her. Be prepared for the worse case scenario, then you will be able to handle anything.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Originally Posted by Josh405
I keep reading a lot of articles that says giving space to a spouse is a bad idea. I don't understand how this could be beneficial.

Josh, Sorry you are here.

Read all of Cadet's links first. Especially Sandi's rules.

Absolutely respect her boundaries. Don't press for physical affection. Stop the love notes as your counselor said.

Giving her space is also giving you space. A little detachment will help you deal with the emotional roller coaster. Desperation will not work.

You mention issues with anger. We all bring baggage into our relationships. Addressing that baggage is important to make yourself whole and happy. If it happens to also help your M as a side benefit, that is great.

Originally Posted by Josh405
I am doing what she asked, but what if in that space she realizes she doesn't want me around anymore? I can't deal with that right now. I want to reconcile.

This is a natural question. I felt this same way 6 months ago. You have found a great forum to learn and post and share and read other people's stories.

The hard truth is that you cannot control your W or whether you two will reconcile. You can only control you. This mindset change doesn't happen overnight, but the sooner you can accept this reality, the better your chances of both reconciliation AND of being a happier person yourself.

You CAN deal with this. It doesn't feel like it right now. I've been there too.

Originally Posted by Josh405
We are scheduled to meet with a marriage counselor on 11/5/19. That time can't get here soon enough. My wife is going to New Orleans with two of her girlfriends next week for four days and I'm dreading it but I know it can do her some good. I just hope that when she comes back she misses me.

Let her go have fun in New Orleans. If you feel the urge to contact her during her trip, fight it. If she reaches out to you, keep it short.

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Originally Posted by Josh405
She stated last night that she had been messaging another man who was showing her attention, but she put a stop to it
I would put money that things are one or two steps more than "Messaging".


You are competing with a fantasy. Her fantasy. A fantasy to be "free".



Right now, you need to consume and process as much information as you can. Get a notebook and take notes. You can also start a digital document. Copy and past info into it.


Learn when to say these words:

"I am sorry you feel that way"
"I have decided"
"I am not sure"
"I need time to process that"
"I will let you know when I have decided"

Dig through all the quote threads I linked to. Pay special attention to these posters:

Sandi2,Coach,AllenA,Gucci,PuppyDogTails. They are very wise.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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