H:"W, I thought about your request. I believe you are right. It makes more sense that we drop the kids off at the other parents house. Lets start that right away by you dropping the kids off Friday and I will drop them off Sunday"
It is much better than waiting around at your X's house, or vise vs.
Good choice on not sending the "goodbye message".
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yes I’m glad I didn’t send anything. It helped to write it out though.
I would have her drop them off but my get off work time isn’t consistent. Picking them up maximizes my time with them. She simply wants me to put in effort and expense to transport. Previously until about 2 months ago I did all the driving. I finally had enough and asked her to help and she has to this point. She told me that she thought I liked being in control and that’s why she didn’t offer to help. Blah blah blah. Anyway I’ve got a football game to referee so I’ll check in later.
Thanks all for what you do for me and everyone else here.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
I agree - don't press send. I keep a written journal for all the times I feel like ending it. Its felt that way this past weekend and yesterday, I've gone through the same cycle as you. Thankfully the feeling passed - had I written and sent something I would have immediately regretted it today. I'm glad I didn't.
I go through this cycle every now and again. I have never wanted to get divorced. Yet I am struggling to see a future for myself if I don't push this to finality. I guess I am in limbo land for a while longer.
I am having a tough time with this because this is what she wants yet she isn't moving forward with it either. Seems to be quite comfortable living in our nice house with me paying her way. Not sure what shoe will drop to get this moving in either direction. It feels like one of those 'she is waiting for me to do it and I am waiting for her to do it' scenarios.
I keep wondering if she is stalling to save up money so she can surprise me with more expensive lawsuits and more fighting to take away the kids. She seems to get joy out of my misery and sorrow. I am avoiding contact with her outside of a text about the kids at all cost.
Frustrating if nothing else.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
I go through this cycle every now and again. I have never wanted to get divorced. Yet I am struggling to see a future for myself if I don't push this to finality. I guess I am in limbo land for a while longer.
This really resonates, LB. The thing I've come to realize is that I am doing all the things I can to push into the future, and I am working hard toward the same goals I had before all this started. It has taken much longer than I originally planned, but I am more able to focus on them now. The only thing that has changed is that W may not be there now. Which is so odd because before, she was all in on these goals, and in some cases these goals were her idea...(!)
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I am having a tough time with this because this is what she wants yet she isn't moving forward with it either. Seems to be quite comfortable living in our nice house with me paying her way. Not sure what shoe will drop to get this moving in either direction. It feels like one of those 'she is waiting for me to do it and I am waiting for her to do it' scenarios.
I think if its MLC, it might seem like they are comfortable on the outside, but they are a tornado of chaos on the inside. Following many attempts on my part to understand where W was coming from before I found DB, I had a front row seat to W's mental state through a dozen different arguments/fights/discussions - and it was remarkable to me how all over the map she was/is compared to who she was before.
I keep telling myself like a mantra - have empathy. She is going through something. I don't understand it and neither does she right now.
Some days I succeed in remembering this, others not so much. Part of the battle, I guess.
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I keep wondering if she is stalling to save up money so she can surprise me with more expensive lawsuits and more fighting to take away the kids. She seems to get joy out of my misery and sorrow. I am avoiding contact with her outside of a text about the kids at all cost.
Frustrating if nothing else.
This is really frustrating, man. We want to know, but we cannot. Only we know when we've had enough, or if we are willing to keep standing. Keep GALing - try not to focus on what she's doing or why. That will lead nowhere.
I go through this cycle every now and again. I have never wanted to get divorced. Yet I am struggling to see a future for myself if I don't push this to finality. I guess I am in limbo land for a while longer.
I am having a tough time with this because this is what she wants yet she isn't moving forward with it either. Seems to be quite comfortable living in our nice house with me paying her way. Not sure what shoe will drop to get this moving in either direction. It feels like one of those 'she is waiting for me to do it and I am waiting for her to do it' scenarios.
I keep wondering if she is stalling to save up money so she can surprise me with more expensive lawsuits and more fighting to take away the kids. She seems to get joy out of my misery and sorrow. I am avoiding contact with her outside of a text about the kids at all cost.
Frustrating if nothing else.
LB - What has pushed my situation out of limbo land is that financially we are spending into our joint savings and it shocked her.. As long as you are paying your W's way, I would guess your situation is likely to remain in limbo.
Regarding your fear about lawsuits and fighting for the kids... face your fear. It may well happen. So forget about the fear. What do you want? Do you want 50/50? If not, why? It's okay to not want 50/50. Are you willing to go to court? You may face slander and a difficult trial. Be ready emotionally for it. Do not let your fear factor into your decision. You are a good father, you deserve to advocate on your behalf for what you think is fair, regardless of how strongly your W may react.
Staying in limbo is okay as long as you continue to DB and make personal progress and be prepared for any future. You may eventually reach the point where you prefer to move out of limbo, and that can be a decision you choose to make (rather than waiting for your W). Only you can decide on your timeline.
Just a side note - i think the decision to move out of limbo, while it may temporarily speed up the physical process of ending the R, will not make someone's life situation any easier.
IMO it is a LBS's misconception that there is a certain "thing" or "event" that will be the end of all the pain and suffering. In reality it is going to take several years to get over what has happened, and in some cases people who were married never completely get over one another.
Personally, I am very wary of making long-term decisions based on my short term feelings. That's kind of getting into WAS territory, if you think about it...
Kids will always link you together. My parents had a very long drawn out, ugly D. They fought for 20 yrs. They're still talking about each other every time I see them and it's now been over 30 yrs (Generally speaking you don't keep talking about someone unless on some level you did not still care for them).
Take this time to figure out what you want, LB. Do you want to stand? Would you like a chance at Recon? Would your W be receptive to you moving back in? How would you see that going while implementing DB?
You're in control of all of this, despite how it may seem.
Personally, I am very wary of making long-term decisions based on my short term feelings. That's kind of getting into WAS territory, if you think about it...
This is a really good insight. I think of shaking up a bottle of oil and vinegar, and then just letting things settle over time until they separate. I'm learning to make life decisions only when I have achieved that internal calm.
And I think sometimes responding to your thread (LB55), I get emotionally reactive because of the similarities we share in our situations.
Now that I am calmer than last week when I replied ... I do think letting fear go is important. Your W may go to court for custody. She may be saving up money for lawsuits. She may be delighting in your misery. And it may be all on your dime.
Or you could just be mind-reading her and causing yourself internal emotional turmoil.
Even if you are RIGHT about her, worrying about what your W is thinking is stirring you up. It's outside your control.
I've had some success in my situation just being consistent with my parenting, friendly in my interactions with my W as best as I can. The accusations of being unsafe have disappeared. There has been a general softening lately, although that may be because she realizes we are about to negotiate some things, whereas you are still in limbo.
So question for the group. Kids just told me mom is dating someone and they hang out as a ‘family’. I’ve never met this person. I feel that I should know who my kids are getting introduced to as romantic partners.
W has done nothing to pursue divorce.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
... I do think letting fear go is important. Your W may go to court for custody. She may be saving up money for lawsuits. She may be delighting in your misery. And it may be all on your dime.