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A Message from Michele
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Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2867847
10/10/19 01:58 AM
10/10/19 01:58 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
D
DS9 Offline
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DS9  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
Good stuff Dan

Glad to hear gym is going good! Keep it up. Make it like it's a part of everyday life. I find it energises me!

I've now doubled my dumbbell weight from the start weight I had. If you're not doing them yet, try concentration curls - great for biceps!

I fully get you about doing stuff not being about NGS. I did that too. It was part of what I saw our roles to be. She was good at the grander scheme things, I was good at the nitty gritty stuff. To me, that's not NGS, but rather you both getting stuff done. Where NGS crept in for me was my constant availability to do or buy or get whatever she wanted, without much reciprocity. I'd sometimes get 4 or 5 calls or sms's a day to do something or buy something! I was naive, and thought this is what a good husband does. In my job, I heard countless tales from wives whose husband's were lucky to mow the lawn every second weekend. I vowed not to be that type of man.

Yeah, just be very judicious and sparing in responding or guiding her. She can google tradespeople. That said, it may be an opportunity to demonstrate you're AMOAFWL. In my sitch, a few months ago, I handled a rogue tradesman my XW had engaged in her renos. She called me as he was trying to rip her off, and she didn't know what to do (her not knowing what to do was very unusual). Anyway, I got more involved as it became clear he was a rogue, but at her request. I ended up going over and 'talking' to the guy. Told XW and S to wait in the backyard while I handled him. I needed to raise my voice unfortunately. Anyway, called her back after he left, and told her I'd handled it, then I left. NGS or AMOAFWL? The latter I think. Keep an eye out for that type of opportunity Dan, but be very sparing. They'll remember it.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2867860
10/10/19 09:23 AM
10/10/19 09:23 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
DaB35  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
Hi DS

Thanks for your reply.
Had my catch-up yesterday. They said I was doing well; they've made a second workout routine for me so I can mix up two routines now, and using different machines.

Yes, she was good at organising our social lives, I'd do the behind-the-scenes house-running stuff. It worked really well.

I agree regarding NGS - I'd feel obliged to do things for her to keep her happy. My worst thing was rather than do something nice and not say anything - e.g. clean the house or prep food for cooking before she asked - I'd do it and point out soon after that I'd done it, looking for approval from her straightaway to 'validate' my good actions. I'd always try to 'impress' her and maintain that outward 'perfect man' persona. Thing is, I know I am a good person - but I realise now after IC that I was way too passive in the R - not just this one but all previous Rs too.

I am focussed on being AMOAFWL - I think a one-off act similar to you helping with the rogue trader is a good idea. Being absolutely sparing is key though, so rest assured I won't go looking for opportunities like this.

Now, the whole reason for her wanting D just seems so far away and remote, because I've been addressing it and have sought professional help to deal with it, with very successful results. Seems such a distant thing now. I keep telling myself, 'it's her loss'.

New thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2867858#Post2867858


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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