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A Message from Michele
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Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 #2867858
10/10/19 09:19 AM
10/10/19 09:19 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
D
DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2867859
10/10/19 09:22 AM
10/10/19 09:22 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
D
DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
Having a good week so far - work's going well, gym's going well, selling a few things online so making quite a bit of pocket money, and splashed out and bought 3 new pairs of shoes - FINALLY (way overdue!).

W hasn't contacted me since last week. Even then I feel detaching is working. I don't think about 'us' much. I do love her but I am letting her go. It's her decision and I can't change that or force a change of mind in her. I just need to continue enjoying myself and being happy.

I'm taking better care of myself now - I really didn't before. Lots of people are saying I look better and more confident now.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2867867
10/10/19 12:42 PM
10/10/19 12:42 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
D
DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
GAL for rest of this week til Monday at least:

-Gym, including trying out my new routine. Aiming for going Thursday night (today), and Saturday evening. Got cycle class on Sunday afternoon so might stay and do the routine afterwards.

-Finishing project work - I get to charge extra due to revisions being required (not my fault - client miscommunicated - so extra cash for me!). Very easy work, just a bit tedious!

- My castanets arrived in the post. They are gorgeous - a really nice reddish brown wood with tasteful white streaks in them - so going to spend time getting to grips with those!

-Meeting an old school friend (known her for over 15 years) on Sunday for coffee. She is very supportive of my situation and even though I've told her EVERYTHING - which she was really pleased with, my being so candid and honest with her - she is on my side.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2867908
10/10/19 07:14 PM
10/10/19 07:14 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,017
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Posts: 8,017
That all sounds good D! Nice to see your posts focused on you and very little about W, keep it up!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2867970
10/11/19 05:00 AM
10/11/19 05:00 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
D
DS9 Offline
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DS9  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
Well played Dan. Get pumped, smash those castanets, then charm the pants off the "old school friend" ;-)


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2867975
10/11/19 08:10 AM
10/11/19 08:10 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
D
DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
DS - haha! The school friend is married with kids. We did however have a very brief fling about 10 years ago though when she was single (quite some time before I met W).

One minor thing I've realised today - I had bought W tickets to a show in London in early December (Valentine's present - Nightmare Before Christmas screening with a live orchestra, and Danny Elfman is singing live). Obviously I assume we aren't going together now (!). However, one of her close friends loves the film just as much as she does. The tickets are being posted to me - well, my parents' house. Shall I remind W about it - she will most certainly have forgotten about it - and suggest that she takes her friend? Or...should I find someone to go with myself?

Mini-Journal:
I've realised recently from IC that I compromised my happiness quite a bit in the M. I'd started getting up very early for work so I could come home earlier - she'd complain that I was getting in too late - so i just did it to make her happy even though it made me a bit tired, and she'd be working anyway when I got in and we wouldn't start dinner together until around 6/6.30 (which is still later than the time I would have arrived home had I left a bit later in the morning).

When W did something that I didn't like, I would never call her out on it. I didn't want the argument - she is good in arguments as she can immediately know what to say, plus she's very assertive in those situations. I would just 'take it'. Weak, yes, NGS, yes*. No boundaries. I made myself more passive in the R than I should have done. I let my SIL dictate how my W should be doing certain things (she was quite invasive during our wedding plans and was constantly suggesting things we should do instead, but then never followed through on them), but W just didn't see it; I let my W rubbish things I liked when I'd spent money on us going together to do something and she'd just moan; I never picked her up on things that upset me.

I have vowed to myself to never be like that again. These five months on my own have been extremely valuable for me to identify these things and deal with them. Only 5 months?! And in that time my W started D, and our house is up for sale. I know she's chucking lots away. I know she will struggle, however much she boasts about being fine. I do not believe her. She is far too proud to admit the alternative. Next time she sees me I'll be AMOAFWL - with a bit more on the biceps I'm hoping! - and I'll be very pleased to say I'm doing great if she asks.

*Reminds me of the scene in an episode of Family Guy where Adam West rolls in radioactive waste to try to become a superhero, but ends up with lymphoma. The doctor says "Why would you do such a silly thing? To believe that was idiotic." West simply replies.. "Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes..." [long pause] [next scene] !!!

Last edited by DaB35; 10/11/19 08:15 AM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2868001
10/11/19 02:27 PM
10/11/19 02:27 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,017
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,017
Originally Posted by DaB35
Shall I remind W about it - she will most certainly have forgotten about it - and suggest that she takes her friend? Or...should I find someone to go with myself?


Bolded part is your answer, all day every day. Don't say one word to W about it. Just go and enjoy yourself.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2868031
10/11/19 06:13 PM
10/11/19 06:13 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
D
DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
AS, thanks - ok - guess I need to find someone to go with then! I have a few weeks to go. Might ask my sister. If my W asks I'll just be honest and say "I'm going with [person]" and not say sorry or 'didn't think you'd want to go now'. IF she doesn't mention it as she's forgotten about it, even better.


I caught the end of a programme on UK TV last night. It's about two couples who split up some time ago, and they're made to meet up again and stay in a house/flat each (with cameras etc.) and they have to talk about where their R went wrong and to see what might happen in the future. It was so interesting to watch. Nobody was married but still interesting to see.

NOBODY did any validating. None. It was just a mix of arguing, going round and round the same points, repeating sentences, a bit of shouting, one of them walking off in a huff, etc. Both couples worked things out by the end of the show, but I found myself thinking in my head what I'd say if I were in those situations, and was instinctively using validating sentences as per examples on this board, which I was pleased with - something's sunk in at least!

Instead of
Him - "You did this! How could you!"
Her - "It wasn't like that!"
Him - "I can't believe you'd do it" etc.
OR

Her - "So did you do [x] with [name of person]?"
Him - "Umm. Look what happened basically was..." (stuttering, arms flailing about)
Her - "Do I have to draw you a picture like a child? Did you do [x]?"

I was thinking stuff like:
"You're saying when I did [x] that made you feel [x]."
or
"Right, I can see how [emotion/feeling] that would be when you found out about [x]"
or
"So when I was [x] you felt [x]."

Makes me think that I could do it less nervously when I next see W. Thing is I have no idea when that will be; probably a good thing.

It's a hidden gem of a communication skill. NOBODY tells you about this. It's so odd how it's quite a crucial thing, yet I have never been given any advice on this way of talking/listening until I came across this board. I've got "I Hear You" on Audible so that's next on my list to digest.

Last edited by DaB35; 10/11/19 06:15 PM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2868162
10/13/19 08:20 PM
10/13/19 08:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
D
DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
Nice weekend overall.

Couldn't meet my friend as she has been ill unfortunately - we've rescheduled.

Gym went well - went Saturday and Sunday. Personal best in the cycling class (rpm) - bearing in mind I've only gone 3 or 4 times! My plank time is increasing too.

Project work finished and invoiced = pocket money expected soon! smile

My sister came to visit Saturday and we went into town with my mum. Had a nice few hours. Sister and I took her dog for a walk. Sister confessed she is annoyed at W because she (W) never talked to her much except at family gatherings - she wouldn't keep in touch with her e.g. in FB or WhatsApp or ask how she is etc., even though my sis did so much for her over the years.

Castanet practice today went well. Need to work on strengthening my left hand fingers - weird as I'm left-handed and a pianist - but can play a few orchestral excerpts already. Played a bit on the electric piano in my parents' house today too. My mum said it was nice as she hasn't seen me play it since I was about 24 and living at home. I might take it and put it in my new house.

In a way I'm kinda glad we're selling our house - crime is rapidly increasing in the area sadly. Only a matter of time before we become a victim I suppose.

Caught up on some comedy on TV too - very important to laugh during all this [beep]!

I haven't really thought about her much recently. But I don't feel bad about it. I really feel that I am regaining some 'personal power' as Dr Glover puts it. It feels nice. Not having to go to IC every week is increasing confidence too - my IC said I've really taken everything seriously and have made such massive steps. Porn and messaging other women, for example, is no longer in my life. You know what? I don't miss it, and haven't thought about it. I'm feeling like I can get more done now I'm addressing my issues, and all this gym stuff has been eye-opening. I feel so much better when I come home after a workout! I'm sleeping better. I'm eating really well (I did that before but have kept that up). I'm excited.

I acknowledge the hurt I caused W, and that she went through a distressing time - and I hated seeing her so upset - but after all this is done, I know she won't find someone like the new me at all. She won't be satisfied. I wonder if her previous 3 relationships (where she dumped them after 2 years as for each one she "got bored") have shaped how she was in the M at all. But then she refuses IC so we'll never know. She has chucked away so much. It'll be very satisfying to show this new me to her. Having said that, rest assured I'm not actually waiting for a chance to do that, but if it happens I'll be confident and AMOAFWL "to the max". And it won't be fake; it'll really be me.

Bring on next week...


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4 [Re: DaB35] #2868214
10/14/19 01:51 PM
10/14/19 01:51 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,017
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Posts: 8,017
D, again I will say I'm really liking these recent you-centered posts, well done!


Originally Posted by DaB35
If my W asks I'll just be honest and say "I'm going with [person]" and not say sorry or 'didn't think you'd want to go now'. IF she doesn't mention it as she's forgotten about it, even better.


Good, but I wouldn't say who you are going with, if she brings it up just say you've made other arrangements.

Quote
I caught the end of a programme on UK TV last night. It's about two couples who split up some time ago, and they're made to meet up again and stay in a house/flat each (with cameras etc.) and they have to talk about where their R went wrong and to see what might happen in the future. It was so interesting to watch. Nobody was married but still interesting to see.

NOBODY did any validating. None.


Validation doesn't come naturally to most people. It's a learned skill for sure. That show actually sounds interesting. These situations look completely different when you are on the outside looking in than when you are one of the parties.

Quote
It was just a mix of arguing, going round and round the same points, repeating sentences, a bit of shouting, one of them walking off in a huff, etc. Both couples worked things out by the end of the show


For a while anyway. But for most couples that is a repeating pattern... until one of them becomes a WAS.

Quote
, but I found myself thinking in my head what I'd say if I were in those situations, and was instinctively using validating sentences as per examples on this board, which I was pleased with - something's sunk in at least!

Instead of
Him - "You did this! How could you!"
Her - "It wasn't like that!"
Him - "I can't believe you'd do it" etc.
OR

Her - "So did you do [x] with [name of person]?"
Him - "Umm. Look what happened basically was..." (stuttering, arms flailing about)
Her - "Do I have to draw you a picture like a child? Did you do [x]?"

I was thinking stuff like:
"You're saying when I did [x] that made you feel [x]."
or
"Right, I can see how [emotion/feeling] that would be when you found out about [x]"
or
"So when I was [x] you felt [x]."


Great thoughts. You're reprogramming yourself to be a better partner!

Quote
It's a hidden gem of a communication skill. NOBODY tells you about this.


It should be taught as part of a life skills class (or classes) in school, along with balancing a checkbook and managing credit card debt! But here we are, LOL!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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