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Re: A Great Life #2 [Re: DnJ] #2867831
10/09/19 11:24 PM
10/09/19 11:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 854
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Gerda Offline
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Gerda  Offline
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Wow, you wrote a whole other treatise! WOW!

I have been thinking about all of it for a couple of days and I should be working now but felt I had better strike the ol iron --

Originally Posted by DnJ


Your situation is seven years, if you were not where you are, I would not have met you. God places people in our path for a reason. You, dear Gerda, said things to me at a critical time, that made a huge impact. You and many others here are some of those blessings I give thanks for.

The hard part of listening to the Word, is then what? God, doesnít lift us out of the pit - we have to do the work. He provides the strength, guidance, and wisdom within the people He sends. One has to listen and then do something about it.

Maybe itís your critical time now.


Yes, surely there is truth in this. But the entire nature of this board has, as you know, sometimes driven me away from it. These very intimate relationships with and need to hear from people we will never meet, never know personally. It is very safe -- and in some ways, dangerous.

But most certainly, you have helped me quite a lot. And I can't believe I have helped you, but if that's true, I am very glad for it.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Divorce or not, ready to stand down or not - stand for you!

We get wrapped up in this situation. Standing is about you. You marriage, the vows are just one part of you. What is your view, your belief on hope, love, faith, bigotry, hatred, fairness, loyalty, honour, lying, relationships, mental illness, empathy, compassion, ethics, divorce, forgiveness, and so on...

Where do you stand? And itís alright to not know where you stand.

Find out and stand for you. Become that pillar of strength. Strong and stable. Conviction and integrity.


Well if I think I am standing for me, it is for my vows, and that is the trouble. The vows mean til death. And it's not the fact of divorce that changed my stand. I don't think that divorce has anything to do with God or God's will, which is what I am trying to find. It's what H did during the divorce. He went from stripping me of my love to stripping me of my home, stripping our kids of everything they had physically and financially and emotionally.
Before he did that, I felt like I could mend the devastation. Now it's beyond beyond. Sometimes I feel like he wants me not only dead but to kill me.

Originally Posted by DnJ
I did try to talk about loneliness, but it is one of many things that make us. Iím going to guess that you arenít so lonely when reading my post, knowing how much I was investing in you.


Extremely. But it freaks me out sometimes,the nature of things here, not even knowing each other's names is symbolic of that.

But yes, thank you a million times over for these two posts, for all the others, for your presence on the mantle and in my pocket at court and all the other times your words or kindness are in my head.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: A Great Life #2 [Re: DnJ] #2867849
10/10/19 03:01 AM
10/10/19 03:01 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,609
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DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,609
Hello All

Wow. Iím blown away with all the posts. Itís very touching. Thank you.

DV - I agree, XW sure seems to be in a crisis. I like your steadfast belief that she is going to come out of it one day. Deep down, really deep down, I believe that too. Itís just that it could be three decades from now. With that, I just shrug and leave the her fate to the future. This usually comes out as ďI donít know, she many never awaken.Ē, when people ask; itís a bit easier. Still, I know my affinity for accuracy, so - I donít know, but I hope.

And I have plans for a fantastic Thanksgiving. However!!!!!, it is currently snowing, and the storm warning is for 75 cm, which is 2 to 3 feet, of snow by tomorrow. I just got in, I spend 2 hours after work winterizing all the vehicles, draining and wrapping up the garden hoses, pounding in the driveway marker posts for snow blowing, and so on.

If this storm actually materializes, I will most likely miss Thanksgiving, and be working a pile of hours.


Andrew - (((Hug))) Right back big guy. Thanks for being in my corner all this time.


Grace - Very kind words. I am glad you find my perspective helpful.

You are passed the one year mark of H moving out. And I am very happy that you know from personal experience that the pain does pass. (((Hug)))


Don - This situation is a crazy one. It was really some work to let go the sensational drama of it all. I found IRL there is a certain amount of notability or infamy being the LBS in all this. Itís nice getting back to more me and less ďHoly cow! Then what happened?Ē. However, truthfully, the graving is still there, I just donít feed it... much.

I was very lucky with her doing what she did, it helped me very much. She threw aside her kids and me. That showed more than anything that this wasnít about me. On one of our phone calls she actually blamed the kids for this. Just wow.

I do understand what you mean with the ďcalmly walks into a building and opens fireĒ. Yeah, there is something wrong. Is it MLC or something else or both? I donít know. Iíve said it before, Iíve spoken to four different people, four different versions of her, for different ages. Many times Iíve seen her morph from one to another, usually from the 18 year old to the 14 year old. The times when itís was the 18 year old to her, the 48 year old, to W - and then back - OMG! Spookiest thing Iíve ever seen. She is possessed. My best friend and S21 have both also witnessed that. There are a few people living inside her. Freaky stuff! Seriously!

And thanks for the kind words and encouragement for me to be proud, it means a lot.


Own - My recounting was not painful. I was considered that I would stir up something troubling. Nope, slept fine. Acceptance is a wonderful thing.

Anhedonia. Not sure how you thought I might take offence with this questioning. No worries, I am fine with it. Maybe I missed something. Feel free to enlighten me, for my own curiously, if you wish. Sometimes, I think Iím so naive. Lol.

Anyhow, back to anhedonia. Yes, Iíve given much thought to many aspects of what went down and happened. XW asserted that she had been unhappy for 2, 5, 15 years; an obvious rewriting of her history. She found pleasure in exercise and riding her bike. She absolutely needed to be out in the sun, as she said a gloomy rainy day felt like death to her.

It was interesting here. With the accidental smashing of my old iPad and the purchase of a new one, I had to transfer a whole lot of pictures. XW went from a vibrant health woman, to obsessive selfies, to exercising, to bike riding, to extreme weight loss, in about a year.

The lack of pleasure from activities once enjoyable, did become more evident in the 4 to 6 weeks before BD. She did a lot of covering up what she was really doing and feeling. I am sure she felt, and she even said, like she was going crazy.

I can understand and empathize with her plight; and can even imagine her lack of pleasure from suppers, movies, walking together, making love (oh perhaps this is the worried offensive bit), piano concerts, travel, shopping, and so on.

This may seem odd, I can appreciate how much courage she had to find to drop the bomb on her dead and unhappy life. She had to leave.

I know a lot of people read along. To all: If you can find this, realize this, understand how much strength and courage it would take to destroy a family to leave a dead relationship. You will find much peace. There is no right and wrong. Both views are right - herís and mine. Her reality is what it is. And when compared to mine, yeah it is skewed and distorted, and wrong. BUT, from her point of view - I am wrong.

My W was, maybe still is, a strong woman. She found and gathered her strength and made a choice. I would have preferred she choose to look within and toward the marriage and family instead of outward and destruction. However, that is what MLC is all about - the lack of coping skills, and a long buried emotional torment.

Choose to alter your point of view, your reality. See beyond and see the bigger picture. If you can see and find that, youíll see peace and forgiveness are not very far away.

Sorry, sometimes inspiration hits and I just write it down. smile

So I figure on BD she was pretty pumped and felt in control. It was pretty obvious she felt and knew she had the upper hand. Shame and disgust I think would be there, in the background maybe. Will not really be felt until the infatuation feelings wear down and the weight of what she did really starts to press upon her. Of course the whole running is too not feel that.

They live their life. Then a trigger, and another life starts to get lived in parallel, on top of, intertwined, with the original life. Confused and scared the MLCer really doesnít know what is going on, usually hides things hoping to feel better. The pain and torment continues, things worsen, that second life gets stronger and stronger. Finally, boom. Destruction. That second life, affair, no responsibility, etc., becomes their primary life.

Eventually another life starts to feel alive - again. It is the original pushing back, being dug back up, reasserting back due to lack of infatuation and running behaviours losing there power. Confused and scared the tormented MLC has no idea what is going on. This time around they are a young child/teen, from the time of their emotional trauma. Depending on fate, compassion, triggers, and luck, they just might let go the tormented life from amidst the tangled and intertwined mess they are living. If that can happen, they just might heal, and reconcile whatever past traumas plague them.

Time, space, remaining compassionate, being better not bitter - is so much for us. And will be so important if/when the MLCer awakens.

I do have compassion for XW. I am happy you share and feel that too OwnIt.


neffer - When I was 23, and during my teen years, I didnít know how to love me Dad either. Or probably more accurately chose not to show it. Adolescences is a tough time, and man we do some goofy things.

I am sorry you didnít get the chance to thank your Dad for accepting you. From a Dad with three boys and a girl, and my oldest will be 23 this February - Dadís know how their children feel. Parents were once young and self centred and chose not to show their hidden feelings. Parents remember their youth, and forgive yourís. Iím pretty sure your Dad knew your heart, even when you didnít; no matter how tense your relationship was.

Remember that as S14 grows and tries your patience, and hides his feelings. (((Hug)))


To be continued as this post is getting rather long.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #2 [Re: DnJ] #2867852
10/10/19 04:50 AM
10/10/19 04:50 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 170
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DS9 Offline
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DS9  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 170
DnJ, you're an inspiration mate.

You need to write a book. Do it!

Call it "To h3ll 'n back, but I kept smiling"

Last edited by job; 10/10/19 12:38 PM. Reason: edited language

Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: A Great Life #2 [Re: DS9] #2867869
10/10/19 01:30 PM
10/10/19 01:30 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,908
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neffer Offline
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neffer  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,908
Originally Posted by DnJ


Remember that as S14 grows and tries your patience, and hides his feelings.


Thanks DnJ, Iīm really aware of that.

Originally Posted by DS9
DnJ, you're an inspiration mate.

You need to write a book. Do it!

Call it "To h3ll 'n back, but I kept smiling"


It should be "Enlightening roads" ;-)


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: A Great Life #2 [Re: DnJ] #2867956
10/11/19 01:48 AM
10/11/19 01:48 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,609
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DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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Hello Gerda

Originally Posted by Gerda
We have talked about this before -- we even had an almost spat about it

smile

Really? Lol.

No spat this time..... so far.

Originally Posted by Gerda
I literally do wonder if that kind of peace is going to be possible for me until this D is over.

Maybe.

I do believe it is easier with the spouse gone. I had no experience living with a wigged out MLCer. My encouragement is based on a belief that we must be able to make it better for ourselves. My reasoning is I felt terrible for months after XW left, no warning no prep she just took off. Time passed and I got better. The external situation didnít change much, internal did. So I extrapolate this idea to your situation and others here. Internal can get better, regardless of the external.

No spats! Lol. You know I only want peace for you. (((Gerda)))

It interesting that you were a loner. I work a lot alone, and itís no big deal. However, leisure actives were pretty much always as a couple, movies, walks, etc. I live in small town, I can go for a week and only see a few people here.

I do get your feelings. I would love to feel wanted and needed around a woman.

Originally Posted by Gerda
I just really miss loving a man, cooking for him and folding his laundry and hugging him when he comes home and all those wifely things

Oh how I miss those.

W and I were a stereotypical old fashion traditional family. I always got a hug when I returned home. Always - right to the last day. Husband and wife - roles and vows. Of course each of us would help the other when needed. And those big projects were a joint venture. Yep, I do miss that.

My temptations run in the sharing a life together. I want to learn her feelings, thoughts, beliefs, values - real intimacy. Who we are without any masks. And yes, giving more than getting. My dreams involve me and her (no idea who she would be at this point) sharing and building something much greater than the sum of the parts.

I had that before, for 30 or so years. Now, I am version 2.0, upgraded. I do believe that an R would be better than before; and that is saying something.

Originally Posted by Gerda
And I can't believe I have helped you, but if that's true, I am very glad for it.

Believe it Gerda.

Originally Posted by Gerda
Well if I think I am standing for me, it is for my vows, and that is the trouble. The vows mean til death. And it's not the fact of divorce that changed my stand. I don't think that divorce has anything to do with God or God's will, which is what I am trying to find.

Before I speak to this.

Originally Posted by Gerda
It's what H did during the divorce. He went from stripping me of my love to stripping me of my home, stripping our kids of everything they had physically and financially and emotionally.

Before he did that, I felt like I could mend the devastation. Now it's beyond beyond. Sometimes I feel like he wants me not only dead but to kill me.

Control.

Sword and shield.

Yes, H has influence. He is mean, and is hurting you and the kids.

He cannot directly control you. You are stronger than him. Say that for me - ďI am stronger than HĒ.

It is true!

Deal with what you have to, and all the horribleness of it. And let it go. He is not worth all the mental real estate he is taking up.

I total get your view on standing for me and vows. I had (have ?) the same struggle. Here is what I did.

For now: Stand for your vows. Do not date. Itís ok to have temptations, donít give in. Make a deal with yourself, for at least one year after divorce.

Realize you donít need to make these decision right now. In fact you canít really make them. These are beliefs and they take time to change, and one needed to really know that they want to.

I am open to the possibility that I may realize I can release myself from my vow. This is a work in progress. And honestly Iím not completely sure I feel like getting to that realization. That is why I am. Feelings. Irrational. Counterintuitive.

I know lots of people who are divorced and remarried. They arenít evil. I donít believe they are headed for damnation.

Small steps - right? First realize you chose. One can release themselves. Once I get there, Iíll see if I want too. No need to look to crossing that bridge yet.

Originally Posted by DnJ
I did try to talk about loneliness...

I thought you would find try humorous, I tried to talk about loneliness and went all over the place. smile

Gerda, you are most welcome and I am glad to help a friend - even if I donít know her real name.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #2 [Re: DnJ] #2867959
10/11/19 02:00 AM
10/11/19 02:00 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,609
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DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,609
Hello DS9

Thanks for the kind words, and the boost.

I like the book title. I went to h3ll and back, but I didnít keep smiling. There was a period where I didnít smile.

The book might have to be:

To H3ll Ďn Back, and Smiling Again.


Hi neffer

I was pretty sure you were aware. And I am glad about that.

Hmmm. Another book title.


Have a good night everyone.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #2 [Re: DnJ] #2868050
10/11/19 09:43 PM
10/11/19 09:43 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,609
D
DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,609
Hello Friends

A quick note.

Wow! What a storm!

All holidays canceled and everyone mobilized.

Snow, ice, wind, canít see - what a time. smile

I am really enjoyed by myself. Love this stuff.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #2 [Re: DnJ] #2868058
10/11/19 11:26 PM
10/11/19 11:26 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,609
D
DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,609
enjoyed by myself ?

Hahaha

enjoying myself.

Darn phone.


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #2 [Re: DnJ] #2868079
10/12/19 10:55 AM
10/12/19 10:55 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,868
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,868
Massachusetts
stay safe


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: A Great Life #2 [Re: DnJ] #2868083
10/12/19 12:22 PM
10/12/19 12:22 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,609
D
DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,609
Good Morning

Awoke to another foot of snow.

Iím stuck and stayed in city where I work; one hour from home. I came prepared brought a week of clothes and supplies. Not my first rodeo. smile

D17 and I made sure she knew what to expect. Dad probably wonít be home till Tuesday. Right now all highway are closed.

D17 says thereís around three feet of snow in the yard. And itís that heavy wet snow - lots of weight. And on Wednesday it was 20C and I was leveling the gravel driveway.

Iím staying with S22, GF, and S19. We watched a couple of movies and I slept on an air mattress.

I called all the kids and grandma and grandpa, let everyone know that Thanksgiving is deferred. There is no way we are going to get home by tomorrow. Just stay where you are and be safe.

XW called the kids during the movie. She called S22, he let it go to voicemail. S19 said watch Mom will call me right away. Yep, it was 5 seconds and his phone was ringing. He also didnít answer. Then a group text to both of them right away. They said that she does this all time.

Her text was telling them not to come out for thanksgiving as the roads were bad. Both laughed a bit. Neither was going to her place for thanksgiving. So we arenít sure what sheís thinking or trying to act like.

S22 did talk to Mom earlier that day. She is pretty upset about the weather. She didnít get the 5 gardens harvested, canít mow grass, canít ride her bike, canít bask in the sun, etc.

Anyhow, getting ready for what is probably going to be a busy day or if it is really bad just waiting out the storm. Either way, weíre all safe out here.

Have a good day everybody one.

Man, stuff like this really gets my juices flowing. Now whereíd I put that cape?

smile

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10

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