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rooskers #2867503 10/07/19 12:27 PM
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Keep being the lighthouse for your D Roos. Creating new memories, GAL, that´s the way to detach and move forward.

You need to be the healthy parent there Roos. Keep sending D to IC. That´s really important at her age.

Stand there and shine bright man.

Hugs for you and D. Be strong. You are doing a good work. Go on with that.

(((Roos)))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
rooskers #2867780 10/09/19 05:35 PM
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EW gave me BD on May 23 and left on May 24. She picked up all her stuff on May 25 and has never been back to the house again. May 28 we had one MC appointment in which she said nothing other than it is over and she doesn't want to meet again. Divorce was finalized on July 18. Since May 23 she has never brought up anything about our 22 year relationship or marriage. I have only talked to her on the phone since then 3 times and once the divorce was final it has only been through email. The only communication we have ever had has been her threatening me legally for stupid stuff, financial concerns, or visitation. I have physically seen her maybe 3-4 times since she left and each time was only for about 30 seconds to a minute.

Mostly this was just to journal because every so often I am still shocked with disbelief. The day before she left she was still telling me she loved me and looking forward to the Hawaii trip. I know now that was all a lie to keep me from understanding that she had been planning on leaving for a long time. It just seems shocking that she truly just walked away from her entire family of 22 years without a word about it then or now.

I think it hit me hard because D13 told me yesterday that she loved our family more than anything in the universe and she was angry her mom threw it away. I held her while she vented and shed a tear or two myself. Her mom won't let her bring up anything from the past or just quickly changes the subject when she is over there. D13 believes she is choosing to erase all memories about our family both good and bad so she can continue her desire for a clean slate.

It all seems such a waste frown


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
rooskers #2867783 10/09/19 05:42 PM
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It’s amazing how this stuff plays out, Rooskers. There is no rhyme or reason.

Regarding your ExW, I would think it’s very likely she’s a narcissist. If you read up on narcissism, you will probably notice a lot of your Ex’s traits.

It has nothing to do with you.

rooskers #2867786 10/09/19 06:20 PM
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We can´t run away from ourselves Roos. No matter how fast we run. But, as Thornton says, it has nothing to do with you now.

Let her go, detach and be there for D13.

Be strong man. It´s about you and D13 now.

Hugs for both of you.
(((Roos)))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
rooskers #2867802 10/09/19 07:44 PM
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Just makes no sense, does it. None at all. I don't think I've ever seen a WAS ramrod a divorce through as quickly as yours Rooskers. It defied comprehension. It does remind me of my friend whose W did something similar, although she never filed for D. They had zero contact for two years after selling their house and business. Not a single email, call or text. Nothing. And now they are back together because the same woman that wanted out so bad also wanted back in really bad. Your XW is on some kind of journey that only she can make.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
rooskers #2867809 10/09/19 08:18 PM
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Regarding your ExW, I would think it’s very likely she’s a narcissist. If you read up on narcissism, you will probably notice a lot of your Ex’s traits.


Thorton I had a lot of trouble when all my friends and even XW own mother said this. She was always so happy, generous, caring, and didn't really brag about herself or exhibit characteristics of what I thought a narcissist was. A friend then sent me the following and it describes her perfectly. D13 has even noticed that she is already doing the following bolded things with her new friends and guys she is around. The last part is what is being done to me and has been for a long time. I never realized there were different types of narcissists.

Vulnerable Narcissist

The most prominent of vulnerable narcissism traits is a constant victimization mentality. They are always the victim, and always require sympathetic attention.

They are emotionally draining to be around. Mostly because of how sensitive they are on top of being emotionally demanding. Their mission in life is to get the people around them to see them as the perfect creatures they are.

Vulnerable narcissists are quite prone to developing depression. The life they live does not meet the fantasy of the life they feel entitled to.

There is an infuriating misconception among people who don’t understand personality disorders or mental illness, that people hurt themselves (or threaten to do so) because they are seeking attention. So, this needs to be said and understood with great caution: Vulnerable narcissists are one of the few people who to make threats of self-harm in order to get attention. They rarely follow through with it.

Vulnerable narcissists mostly appear introverted and calm. But emotional regulation can still be difficult for the confusing self-esteem issues they have.

The first line of narcissistic defenses includes being passive aggressive and shutting people out to punish them. They will always play the victim card because they will always see themselves as the victim. Regardless of the circumstances.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
rooskers #2867811 10/09/19 08:23 PM
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Thanks Thorton, neffer, and AS smile I am doing really good in the letting go and detaching for myself. In fact, I really can't even imagine a life with my XW anymore. I was surprised the other day when D13 brought up a trip from the past and I realized I couldn't even recall if my XW had gone. She must have gone on the trip but I can't picture her being there at all.

The hard part is watching D13 struggle so hard. She goes to see her IC every week and that is helping somewhat. I think D13 realizes I am not hurting nearly as much anymore and now feels she doesn't have to be strong for me and can release her feelings of anger, hurt, and sadness. She shared her feelings before but now they are coming out full force. She is an amazingly strong young women but tells me she feels so broken inside and each time she tries to put two pieces together her mom breaks them into even smaller pieces. At lease that is a step up from a week ago when she said she was completely shattered and the pieces could never be put back together.

She says I have become an excellent listener. An example is yesterday I ironed her uniform skirt and shirt for school and she broke down in tears because she thinks that she looks horrible in a skirt. My first reaction was to tell her she is crazy and looks great in skirts, she was being to hard on herself, and try to fix her feelings. Now, I let her know that it can be difficult when we don't feel confident in what we are wearing and asked her which outfit helped her to feel more confident. When she told me I ironed that for her to wear to school instead. AnotherStander you have been a huge influence in this from all your posts I have read on this forum.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Just makes no sense, does it. None at all. I don't think I've ever seen a WAS ramrod a divorce through as quickly as yours Rooskers. It defied comprehension


I was about to post this same thing. It's only been 6 months meaning NC isn't all that uncommon at this stage. My WAH left 6 months ago and I've seen him 3-4 times, we don't speak, etc.

WAH intended on pushing through a divorce through in 6 months and he could have easily. He ran out of here and to the nearest attorney's office. I've seen people do this because they'd been planning this for years. To them its slow to us it's fast. My WAH hesitated for reasons unknown and here I am.

Last edited by kas99; 10/09/19 08:55 PM.
rooskers #2867832 10/09/19 11:25 PM
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Hey Roo,

How you coping buddy?

The suddeness really is crazy isn't it. Like yours, mine also seemed like a light switch was flicked in a matter of hours. I don't think there is an answer, though we search, don't we.

What's your XW's age? Was she going through menopause? Did she have childhood abuse, abandonment or neglect? The answers could be there. If it's not against your principles, go see a good psychic. They might have some answers.

It does bring tears to your eyes sometimes with what the kids say. My S said a few weeks ago he was wondering why I wear my family signet ring where my wedding ring was. I told him its not my wedding ring finger I wear my signet ring on. He asked where my wedding ring was then, and I told him I've got it kept away safe and sound. I shed a few tears after I got up and walked away from my son.

Don't let memories of the past eat you up and consume you Roo. Push them to the side and quash them immediately until you feel ready to deal with and process them as part of your healing journey.

You're a good dad mate! Keep it up!

Cheers, D


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
rooskers #2868052 10/11/19 10:14 PM
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What's your XW's age?


She is 40 and was 30 when she had her last affair.

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Did she have childhood abuse, abandonment or neglect?


She has relatives that her mom says are bipolar. Her aunt lives in Las Vegas and is addicted to drugs and was a prostitute for years. Her mom had her at 16 and told her she was a mistake. Her biological dad was never in the picture. Her stepdad was a very controlling and emotionally unstable. She was kicked out of her house at 16 but later I found out she kinda of left to join a church and marry some boy (never married the boy though). Her stepdad died of cancer right after D13 was born. So yes she has a lot of childhood issues.

Quote
Don't let memories of the past eat you up and consume you Roo. Push them to the side and quash them


I try not to push them aside or quash them but let all the toxic emotions do what they need to do and then let them flow out of me. It is an immensely painful process. For example, I purposely went to a location we had an amazing date night and let all the memories flow through me including the sadness and pain. It hammers at my heart and soul but afterward I feel a little stronger and am able to move forward a tiny bit more. It usually takes multiple times to fully experience and let go of all the feelings and emotions each memory brings up but I do it anyways. I like to think of this quote as the technique I am using to heal. No longer will I bury the pain.

Quote
Strength through adversity. The strongest steel is forged by the fires of hell. It is pounded and struck repeatedly before it’s plunged back into the molten fire. The fire gives it power and flexibility, and the blows give it strength. Those two things make the metal pliable and able to withstand every battle it’s called upon to fight.

Last edited by rooskers; 10/11/19 10:15 PM.

1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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